A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have a 41 year old boyfriend and i'm 17(almost 18). Is this too big of a difference?? What should I do?? It's only 23 years, but he's so much smarter than i am about the world and much more experienced.How can I fix this '2 different worlds' thing'? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2008): I agree with everyone else. He's too old.
He's fun right now, but the situation won't stay this way. And you can't just turn off your feelings for him when you know it has become time to break it off.
Getting attached to someone is a double-edged sword and you will hurt yourself very badly if you don't pick your cuts carefully. Relationships are already hard enough to handle when they don't have huge built-in limitations like this.
This is a setup for getting extremely attached to him, and then having to break it off very painfully because of this factor that seems like it "shouldn't matter." And yet unfortunately it WILL matter eventually, and you can't avoid it, and you will hate yourself for "letting it get in the way" of the relationship that you have come to want to work so much. When this ugly time comes, you can do the right thing and still probably feel rotten and lost over it all.
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (11 April 2008):
 Love is a very beautiful thing.
It has no creed, no colour , no smell and no age or boundaries.
Everyone of us is unique and if you are happy being with
him and all your needs are met , that is all that matters.
Life is not without problems.
Nobody said life would be easy.
Thanks Ayda and LonelyTwo for your post and compliments.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2008): You are on the threshold of your life. Be young, enjoy yourself and do all the things teenagers do beacuse you'll be old before you realise. This man has been there, seen it, done it and he won't want to go through it all again. He may seem exciting now but eventually you will feel suppressed by him.Don't grow old before your time because you will regret it. Find a man in your age group and you will explore life together and ultimately be much happier.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2008): I agree poster, Laura1318 nailed it. Good going Laura1318!
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLaura1318, I loved your answer thanks for the help, i get it now......
MUCHLOVE,
AYDA~~~~
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (10 April 2008):
If you like his world , then you should not fix it as there is nothing wrong with his world.
If you love him , you should build more bridges and meet him somewhere on that bridge.
Whether you are made for each other , only God knows.
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A
female
reader, mel2  +, writes (9 April 2008):
Don't get involved your too young. Enjoy your youth as he has has'nt he!! Think about it! I am talking from experience i have been there have the t shirt etc. Have fun and see a bit of the world if possible, as the saying goes "your only young once" All may be ok now but in time things will change. Old age is not pleasant especially when you love someone very much. It hurts when you see your husband/partner gradually loosing interest in sex, and even life! My husband is 23yrs older than me, i am in my 40's i have no sex life at all, although i know my husband loves me, and i do love him also i am very sad. I met him when i was 30yrs old, and yes all was ok! but now look at me, i am stuck with an old man who needs me as his carer. Is that what you want to look forward to?
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A
female
reader, yoginipirate +, writes (9 April 2008):
 Take a close look at Namatjira's answer. He's dead ON! I agree completely. I'm a woman who has always liked older men & I have been where you are. I get the appeal. It shows some maturity that you are seeking answers. It also shows that you realize everything isn't as it should be. Here's an idea. He's older, so he should have developed some patience. Give it three years...date others for a few years (seems like forever to you, it isn't- AT ALL). Split the difference, date someone in their 20s. They may offer some of the same qualities that you enjoy in your older man but be closer to your stage in life. The age difference is too great for you right now, later- it won't matter as much. When you're 20, if you still want to be together- then have at it. There is NO RUSH, not for you--anyway.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2008): I have to wonder what a 41 year old man wants with a 17 year old girl other than sex and to brag..No mature man that had his head on his shoulders would want to date a 17 year old kid. You could easily be his kid's age. This guy needs to leave you alone, you are too young for him. Yes, i think the age gap is too big, and that you're missing out on life by being with someone so old.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2008): I have to agree in general with the other responders.
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A
female
reader, juliebug +, writes (9 April 2008):
I was 25 when I met and fell in love with a 41 year old. Three years later we were married. In the beginning, we enjoyed the same things, he looked young so we didn't look odd together. But when I turned 30 and he was in his mid-forties, my perception completely changed. He was talking about retirement. He had grand-children. I began feeling like I was his age. I felt like I missed my 20s and now was in danger of missing my 30s too. I didn't act on these feelings for 2 years - but then, I had an affair. I broke my husband's heart. I should have never gotten involved with him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2008): No, I don't think the age gap is too big but - this will only work if you BOTH want it to. By that, accept and enjoy his comparatively huge wealth of experience of life and the world: I am sure he doesn't expect you to 'measure up' in any way. And no need for him to 'smother' you or have the 'upper-hand' as others have said. I am sure if this were the case, you would have quit - no-one likes a smart-arse!(ass!) I imagine he enjoys and loves your comparative naivety and innocence as much as you admire his worldliness. So long as this is so and you both feel easy with eachother, there will be no problem so enjoy the relationship and long may it last! Good luck.
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A
female
reader, x-kitycatlok-x +, writes (9 April 2008):
 No age gap is too big when you're legally an adult. I do say it's really big, but as long as you love the person and you are both adults, it doesn't matter. About the two different worlds thing... There's nothing you can really do about that except wait to grow up and mature. That's the most you can do.
Wishing you the best.
xxx
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A
male
reader, Namatjira +, writes (9 April 2008):
Hi,
It is not so much the age difference as the fact of your youth. If you were both even 5 or 10 years older it would be less of a potential problem Let me explain.
You at nearly 18 still have a number of years maturing to do. During this time your attitudes, likes, dislikes, and many other things that make up you will change quite a deal. There is not much you can do about this process as it is normal growing up. The result of all this change is that much of what you like now or what attracts you to a person is likely to change in some way. Maybe a small change or maybe a big one. But you will change.
Your boyfriend at 41 has already been through this and is unlikely to change much at all as a natural result. Therefore the risk of you two growing apart is much higher now than if you had started your relationship in say 7 or 8 years time.
Now all is not doom and gloom. I personally know of a number of relationships that have 23 year or larger age differences and they have worked successfully. Some for more than 20 years now. However the successful ones I know all started with the younger of the couple (not always the woman) being at least 24 or 25. I have also known other couples where the younger person was under 20 and in every case they have not survived as a couple. Of course there is likely to have been factors other than the age difference but I am sure that it played a part.
I do know that when there is a big age difference it takes a strong younger person to make it work as the older person has a natural dominance that can smother without meaning to.
Just consider things carefully, but if you were my daughter I would advise backing off and just give it some time. If you can survive being apart and not "a couple" for the next 6 years and still feel the same then you have a good chance.
All the best.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (9 April 2008):
 Dear poster, I will answer your first question first of all. Yes, a 23-year age gap is too big.
What you perceive as "different worlds" is right. You have correctly noticed that you two are in very different stages of life. That can't be changed. You can't become 41, and he can't become 17.
I'm not sure whether he is smarter than you, but I am absolutely sure he is more experienced. Maybe too much for you. He will always have the upper hand in this relationship.
If you want to be with this guy, you need to accept the difference; it will always be there.
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