A
female
age
30-35,
*eef95
writes:My self esteem and confidence was shattered by my ex boyfriend, he would always call me fat and make nasty comments about the way i looked and my weight. In the bedroom he would constantly tell me how crap i was at some things and how sometimes i didn't please him. He would forever lie to me keep me in the dark with no appreciation for some of the stuff i did for him, i felt like nothing. This coupled with my dad despising me because im not the perfect child and my mum leaving me when i was a young age has left me hating the person i am, making me feel like im not good enough for anyone and unable to accept love leaves me in a pretty shit place. What can i do to get this back to trust people and to feel confident and good about myself so that every time i dont look in the mirror i cry .. pleasee help me i dont know what else to do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2012): I suggested the running, yes lack of excersise can and will affect your mood. I hope you recover soon. Consider taking a class on soemthing you are interested or enrolling on university/college if you have not.
It seems to me you date guys and try to please them ad make them happy instead of focusing on what would make you happy. Maybe you give your heart too fast and too soon.
Someone who truly cares about you will see you as more than enough, they will love you wholeheatedly.
You are not pathetic, 18 is a sort of confusing time (it was for me) and who I was dating messe dup my self esteem. I left him and adted a guy who adored me, he thought I was the hottest things around and spoiled me and made me feel loved.
Get out there sweety and try to get involved on things YOU like to do, about your sister? Meh, forget it baby. If your father loves her so much, he can keep her, just focus on yourself and make yourself a better you. If you feel fat because lets say your butt is too big or w.e start working out that area it can help you take your mind of it.
Also, I suggest getting up early, taking shower, doing your make up and at least going out to walk and see others. It helps so much to feel pretty, and get some fresh air, or going to class or activity you enjoy...
Please take a HARD look into the guys you are dating, it seems to be a pattern of you being stuck choosing guys like this. You YOURSELF are hurting your life and your self essteem by picking these guy thaat do not value you as you deserve.
Women are all small godesses, we create life! A guy who respects you will come along, do not settle for less!! EVER!!!! Make YOURSELF happy because you deserve it, you wanna look back ad think about your shitty bfs? Nah! Dump this ew bf, if he is not happy he can go, better yet it leaves you open to REAL men!
3 good look hunny, please post back to know how u are doing.
A
female
reader, reef95 +, writes (12 November 2012):
reef95 is verified as being by the original poster of the question I keep fit all the time im 49kg/109lbs and 160cm/5ft3 tall but still i look at myself as being fat and not what people want me to be. I run 5 times a week but due to an injury haven't been able to for the last 2 months - would that affect how I feel ?? I got rid of the ex and I found this knew guy who seemed nice but now I'm not enough for him 'i don't try enough' 'im not sexual enough' 'im not happy enough' ...the list is endless. For once i just want to be ENOUGH !! My mother did fall out with my dad she didn't have PND she just left no explanation and Ii guess that's always a constant question of why ?? I have a twin who appears to be the perfect child so i guess i look at her and im nothing and yes technically no one is 'perfect' but why cant we all be equals...I went to my doctor because at one point I felt low enough even to consider suicide because it would be easier to walk away than change but my brain wouldn't let me and my doctor gave me a look as if to say 'darling you're 18 you don't have issues' so now I'm afraid to talk to someone face to face in case im laughed at in case im seen as pathetic. Am i pathetic ??Your advice and reply's have shed some light and are greatly appreciated, thanks for taking your time to help me out a little.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2012): Hey dear.I was on your same situation, bf treated me like c^^p, will hype up other girls...I gained some weight...Now I am doing great! I would suggest going out for a jog/walk every morning along with uplifting tunes (music you like)..then I started reading on nutrition, and started to slowly eat "better" (healthier) and got into doing excersizes. I was too embarrassed of going to the gym so I did the Insanity workout (you can find it for free on youtube)... I saw results and I started to feel better. Also the excersize helped send endorphins (feel good chemicals) to my brain. I felt active, lean and my depression disappeared. I'm not a health buff, but I focused my time on learning about excersise and shaping my body and I have something to look forward each morning! :) Also, I felt more confident with the lost weight and it encouraged me to get nicer clothes (smaller dresses I had not worn due to the weight)...and even a BIKINI!!! This also helped me be much more open to people, so this made people speak to me more. I also got enrolled on a class that interested me. I am a law major at college but I alsways had a passion of NAIL ART! LOL! So I did that, and going there and doing something distracting that relaxed me and brought JOY to me helped!Start by helping yourself... I see weight is an issue, start there and love yourself, be the best you that you can be. :) About your dad...My dad is the same way , he remarried and thinks his new step children are perfect..So I said to myself. "Well, I am grown over 18, so the rest is UP TO ME! I will please MYSELF!" Sometimes we have to cope with the fact that we cannot please everyone ;) So we must please ourselves. Once I accepted my dad will NEVER change because he was who he was, I felt liberated. I oved out, made my life, and do not contact him, but I am not mad at him. I just cut out his negative influence :D and surround myself with people that make ME happy!Hope this helped!
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A
female
reader, VenusFlowerBasket +, writes (12 November 2012):
Hey, sorry to hear you are feeling so low. I do actually know how you are feeling but won't get into that here. Do you have any clue as to why your mum left? Because whatever the reason I am pretty sure it wasn't because of you. Was she having problems with your dad or suffering PND or anything like that? Is there any way you can find out so you can get closure? As for your dad what makes you so sure he wants you to be perfect? It sounds like he brought you up on his own? That's a huge responsibility and I'm sure he only wants the best for you. Are you able to talk to him about the way you feel? Finally your boyfriend, well they don't come much lower than that do they. My sister went out with a guy who bullied and abused her for years, they do it because they feel threatened by you, they break you down to make themselves feel powerful and better about their own pitiful existence. They see your good qualities and they try to suppress them out of spite and jealousy. Your boyfriend certainly is no real man, he is a bully and you're better off without. Good, loving people help each other and try to bring out the best in one another. You are worthy of love and respect, just as every good person is and you'll find it I promise. When things hurt in life just remember it's natures way of making you stronger, to make you a survivor! Xx
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A
female
reader, Yung.N.Stylish23  +, writes (12 November 2012):
 I was in your position too! My family would call me names etc and I did't want to look in the mirror for while. My sister came in and dragged me in front of the mirror made say 3 things that I like about myself everyday. It boosted my self esteem and confidence up so much I feel good-looking!
Look in the mirror everyday and say or write down 3 things you like about yourself!
OR
Say "I'm smart beautiful and sweet" everyday for one week then switch it up every week.
If you want to talk message me because I'm 19 and we can probably relate too
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2012): What your ex said is just his opinion. Just because he said you're fat and crappy in the bedroom doesn't make it so. You also have to remember what one guy would consider fat, the next guy might think is just right.
I also suspect his expectations about what women should look like and sex may have been warped due to watching too much porn. Know why? He sounds like my ex. I was a size 3 and I wasn't skinny enough for him, and he also said my boobs weren't big enough. I told him my boobs were just right for my frame, but he just shook his head. I knew he watched a lot of porn, and I knew that was where he was getting his unrealistic standards of women from.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (11 November 2012):
 Here's a threepart answer to your dilemma...
1. Your "boyfriend" is, clearly, an as*hole. Dump him, forget him, and forget anything/everything he ever said to you....
2. Your Father isn't far behind....
3. If your Mother parted from your family when you were much younger.... don't even think about her....
Now... here's the best part..... All these three that are nagging on you and who you are... and your self-respect make not a WHIT of difference....
You are probably a smart, warm and sweet young woman who deserves a 'way better lot in her current goings-on in her life.... Sooooo, get on with things... and let things get better and better....
Good luck.....
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A
female
reader, Emily Ophelia  +, writes (11 November 2012):
Oh dear :(
I feel rather sorry for you, even though this is probably not really helping. However, if you should feel like talking to somebody else and just getting to know other people who will not judge you on what they see, give me a shout =)!
Concerning your self esteem: nobody has the right to gell you you're worth nothing. While I haven't met you, I'm quite sure you are a wonderful person. Try thinking about the things you are good at- do you have hobbies you enjoy very much? Do you do some kind of sport? Try meeting people related to those hobbies. Like that you already know you have something in common and you immediately have something to talk about.
Or try something new, like playing an instrument you always wanted to try, get into a new kind of sport... treat yourself well =)
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A
male
reader, human_male  +, writes (11 November 2012):
 I think you should talk to a counsellor. Talk to your GP for help finding someone.
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A
female
reader, sweetiebabes  +, writes (11 November 2012):
 I know what you feel because I was in your situation before and even till this day I am trying very hard to help myself up by reading self help books like from Dr. Phil ( Life Strategies and Self Matters) that help me go through my predicaments in life.
You've got to help yourself if you do not want to be in this situation and be strong that you can do it.
I did and I am getting stronger and I am not allowing anyone any longer to hurt me again.
There are times within you that you will feel lonely but do not worry you will learn how to be happy from within if you will start believing and trusting yourself that you are worthy. Write letters online and share your feelings to ease the burden and seek good advises and follow through till you are stronger.
If you cannot get counselling, you can help yourself by reading books like the ones I mentioned above. It is very helpful if you are willing to make changes in your life in a positive way.
Help yourself up and be strong. YOU CAN DO IT!
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A
male
reader, DV1 +, writes (11 November 2012):
 You've got to take you time. If you're surrounded by toxic people, get them out of your life. Why do you care what everyone else thinks? If you're not happy with yourself, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and do something about it, until the person in the mirror makes you happy... Nobody's parents are ever going to be happy with their children, because all parents tend to have overreaching expectations for their children... You've got to make your own path and not worry about making everyone else in the world happy. Be you, for you, and not anyone else...
-- DV
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2012): I'm so sorry that you are experiencing so much pain at a young age. First thing is dump your boyfriend. No one has the right to disrespect you. That would be added weight that you can get rid of right there. As far as your other issues, seek out counseling. There are therapist that operate according to income so you won't have to pay as much. I wish you well on your journey. I hope this helps.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (11 November 2012):
I think before you do anything else, you need to get some counselling for yourself so you can come to terms with what has happened to you before. It's not a coincidence that you've had a poor relationship with your father, no real relationship with your mother and that your boyfriend treated you like dirt. All that is linked together.
People who will often got for relationships that are familiar to them. So those with strong, happy home lives will often go on to have good relationships that reflect their homes lives. Whereas those who have had difficult home lives, will go for relationships that are also unhappy or abusive.
You're in a very vulnerable position, because of what has happened to you. And to get out of this state, you nee to get some help just to get all those feelings out in the open so you can deal with them. Once that happens, you'll start to feel better about yourself, because you'll realise that you're not the problem, and that those around you are. You'll see that you're pretty, and you'll be able to build on your confidence and move forward with your life.
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A
female
reader, StarryEyes101 +, writes (11 November 2012):
 Someone once told me "How can you expect people to love you if you don't even love yourself?"
It helped trust me. Forget all those people that put you down. You are not going to be that person. What needs changing? Your weight? Go to the gym, or if you can't afford it go walking. Walk everywhere. The weight will drop off. Trust me, it is working for me :)
Avoid all negative people. They are not good for your health.
See your GP as you may be suffering with depression and that is the worst thing you want!
Surround yourself with your friends, and stay away from dickheads that put you down. You DO NOT deserve it. Just remember you are beautiful and funny. And just be you 'cause that's all that you can be! Don't let anyone change you. This World doesn't need another fake person :)
Good luck hun
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2012): Your problem is not because you are not perfect, no one is, but because you take responsibility for someones actions which is not your job.
Your ex was an ass, why are you getting so miserable because he is n ass. You have nothing to do with this person and his opinions about you, he is not even in your life anymore. Him blaming you with something you have not done for him is only his problem not yours.
How can you control what another person says or will say. You have no control over it. You have a choice to have them in your life or not, but that's about it.
Your father attitude is very wrong. There is such thing as unconditional
Love, this is how we love our children, unconditionally. Your father unfortunately doesn't have a heart for it. My dad is the same. Always disappointed in what I didn't achieve. He is not happy for me that I have a wonderful family, healthy kids and run successful business, he still talks how he had such big hopes for me, and I didn't accomplish them.
You don't have to live up to his standards, you are grown up enough. Of course he is still your parent, but as far as him loving you based on your achievement is wrong.you have nothing to do with it. You live your life how you want it to live, you don't owe anyone anything. This is your life, and your dad needs to understand that.
How it can be your fault that your mother left family. You taking things personally that really have nothing to do with you.
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