A
male
age
41-50,
*lovej
writes:I am in love with my sister in law. I know that this is wrong but I am struggling against my feelings every day. I also know that nothing could ever happen between us. The devastation that that would bring to our families is too great.So why am I here? Honestly I don't know. I think I need to vent. If you are interested, here's my story:I have been with my wife for 11 years, married for six. I have a two year old daughter and I am 31. About 8 years ago, I started to like my sister in law. Back then, those feelings quickly passed because she found a boyfriend who she would be with for the next 6 years. I never liked him, but that's another story. My wife (girlfriend at the time) found out that I liked her sister. She was upset but I promised to fight my feelings and I eventually won out. She forgave me and many years passed before this would become a problem again.My girlfriend and I got married and eventually we had our first child. We were very happy.About 1 year ago, my sister in law was going through a really rough patch. Her heart was broken by a guy who didn't want to marry her. I hated him too. Afterwards, she started to get really bad anxiety attacks. (That's another story.) At the time, I was finishing graduate school and looking to move my family back to my wife's hometown. Her sister offered her place to us as a temporary place to crash until we found a place. I agreed to this, but in the back of my mind, knew that it wasn't a good idea.Sure enough, living with her and seeing her everyday has brought back those old feelings. They have grown even stronger. She is beautiful, and to me, she is stunning. But more than that, I love how kind, smart, and independent she is. I love the way she laughs and smiles.At this point, you're probably suggesting me to move out and I did. I bought my own place but at the same my sister in law was going through a foreclosure. She needed a place and I offered it to her. Yes, I know that was a terrible idea and I am stupid. So now, here I am living with her on a long-term basis. (She also has a 14 year old daughter who I have also taken in.) My wife has found out again. It is hard to hide your true emotions from your wife. I have broken her heart, but she wants to stay with me and work it out. I also want the same, but it is hard since I am still in love with her sister.Her sister does not know about any of this. I think she suspects that I like her but has not said anything. I am very kind to her and she has caught me looking at her.Wishfully, I want her to feel the same way about me. Sometimes she looks at me and shows concern for me and is sweet towards me. These things don't necessary mean anything of course.I am going to work things out with my wife. I love her and it is the only acceptable resolution. But at this point, I am not sure I will able to shake my love for her sister. It's only been about one year, but the feeling of unrequited love is killing me. I have read in others' postings that they have been in love with their sister in laws for years. How do you deal with this? I am struggling against my feelings all the time. I can't stop thinking about my sister in law. It's affecting my concentration at work and my mood at home.I feel somewhat hopeless, in that, I will find a way to work things out with my wife but never stop loving my sister in law.If you can relate, please let me know.
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male
reader, ilovej +, writes (2 January 2013):
ilovej is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have an update for the 2013 new year.
My feelings for my sister in law are still present, but they do not eat away at me as before. I have convinced myself that she is off-bounds and this rationale has really helped. I am not sure that I will ever completely eliminate my feelings for her, but for now, I can live with the current situation.
This has allowed me to return closer to my family, which I am really happy about. My sister in law still lives with me and it appears that she will be living with me for at least the next year. But with the progress that I have made, I think that I will be okay and so will my family.
A
male
reader, ilovej +, writes (13 November 2012):
ilovej is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am really ashamed to feel sad over unrequited love when my wife is truly heartbroken.
@quietbutpowerful
Your struggles have been going on for 5 years now? As the woman in your situation, you control whether anything is going to happen with your brother in law. You are strong to be so committed to your family despite your true desires. It's wrong for our hearts to wander but it is not something we do intentionally. That's not an excuse but at least we can do right by our actions. Stay strong. You can make it.
Thank you for the advice. I will try to put my sister in law out of mind. This is the obvious thing to do, but its really easier said then done. Sadly, she is the first thought when I wake and the last when I sleep. She is the reason why I am here on this forum.
Despite our situation, I really appreciate you "talking" to me. Its nice to know someone understands. Let me know if you need a listening ear.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2012): I might seem strong and determined but im not. Im here for strength. For people to tell me they understand and that we can make it through. I know we are all hurting. It's a difficult situation but I can't imagine what your wife and my husband must feel. Atleast your SIL doesn't know because it would make it so much worse. Since my brother in law started texting and calling me my husband asks me several times a day if he called. Its always on our minds. His brother keeps telling his wife that he wants her and Is in love with her. Its so hard. Why is he telling me? Idk what to do. I've never mentioned that I have feelings for him either because I don't want to make it worse. I want him to call, love him to text me. I want him so bad. I wish i could go and give him what he wants and take away all his sadness but i can't snd i know it and he knows it. I've never even flirted with him but he said he can see it in my eyes that I want him too. That's part of why he can't even hardly look at me. I cried writing this message. It's so hard to want someone and love someone that you can't have. I wish there was a magic button to make all the feelings go away but there isn't.
@ilovej you have to stop being with her in your head or she'll never get out of it. Stop imagining her touch, stop dreaming of her, especially if your horny. You have to force yourself to think of something else. Try thinking of your wife when you first got married. Anything to talk your SIL out of your mind. If you keep fantasizing about her you'll never be able to stand it. Just think of it like she died. She's gone. Nothing you do will make her yours. Grieve and give it up. It's sad and your broken hearted but life will continue. You have to see her but you don't have to let her into your mind. Your the only one who can stop it. Good luck.
Have you ever thought about writing her a letter and then burning it? It might help just to get those feelings out and help you move on.
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male
reader, ilovej +, writes (12 November 2012):
ilovej is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate the kind and harsh words. I certainly deserve the harsh ones.
@quietbutpowerful
Thank you for your perspective from the sister in law's side. I never thought about it that way. I am too caught up in my own wishful thinking, but you are right, I would not want her to go through what I feel.
Your story is so sad, but at the same time, you seem very strong and determined. I really wish you the best.
I am going to stick by my wife and daughter. My wife truly loves me and has done more for me than anyone can ask for. There was a time where I considered my wife to be my soul mate. We have had a lot of great moments and I will not throw all of that away. And for my daughter, I would bare any pain. For her, I would not break our family. She loves having both her mom and dad. I won't take that away from her.
My preference would be to end my feelings for my sister in law. This would take away all the heartache, but it is not as easy as flipping a switch.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (11 November 2012):
 Most of what you've written seems to be so much "fluff"... words that LOOK like you're writing a legitimate "question" on this site..... but which you and I (and everyone else who reads this) KNOW is so much B/S...
So... what to do????/ Do not a darn thing, relative to your sister-in-law... and go out in the desert for 40 days.... by yourself.... and see if you can figure out how to grow up......
Good luck...
P.S. It worked for Jesus!!!!!
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A
female
reader, demeplev +, writes (11 November 2012):
 WOW, usually i would just be upset with someone who was looking outside their marriage, but i found myself drawn to your dilemma.
First my question to you is why did you marry your wife if she wasn't the true love of your life? and then proceed to have children?
I feel terrible that you are in such a way, as I believe you do realize the utter devastation you bring to your wife and your child.
At this point dig deep really deep, is this really true love or just lust and infatuation, remember you don't have her, haven't been married or had a relationship with her so how could this really be "in love".
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Now if you dig deep... and if you realize you made a mistake marrying your wife, who I truly believe you love, maybe aren't feeling the infatuated "in love" feeling at the moment but make sure its not because there are problems you are ignoring that are starting to build up.
At the end of the day you must decide if you will keep your vows to your wife and to your daughter, or decide that the pain for yourself is too great to let your sister in law go.
This I cannot guide you on because I am all about making a marriage work especially when children are involved as long as there isn't any toxic behavior or abusiveness.
I can feel your pain and distress from your letter here.
We all make mistakes, its all about what you think is best for you at the end of the day. But don't take it so lightly, separate from her life(sister-in-law) for a while try working on your relationship with your wife.
keep your mind focused on your family and your life and if you cant bear it after a long time then...I guess you have your answer.
I am sorry I cant better than that. Please please keep us posted..I wish you good luck, peace and love.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2012): Sorry I was still writing when it sent.
I think that its never gonna work out with you living together and it is better she doesn't know. I mean what can she do about your feelings? You sister is off limits and you have to try to stop fantasizing about her. You want her to feel the same about you? I feel the same about my brother in law and all it means is that im hurting too. All it means is that it's hard to be in the same room. We aren't ever alone and even his handshakes break my heart. I hope she doesnt feel the same. You dont want false hope. You have to know there is no chance. She isn't going to risk losing her sister and you might make everyone feel as uncomfortable as you are. I wish there was an easier way to move on but there isn't. Just know she's not for you. I'm sorry OP you have to live with the fact your never going to get what you want. Neither am I and its hard but that's life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2012): I can relate because my brother in law has been in love with me for 5+ years. He and I have a special connection and I love him too but I refuse to do anything about it because I am married to his brother. I definitely think that living with your sister in law is the main cause. Thats when all our problems started as well. I wish I could tell you something to make it better. We all have struggled. My poor brother in law has a problem with addiction that he blames on the guilt he feels for loving me. He still calls me and texts me that he loves me. Its a heartbreaking situation. I'd love nothing more thanto give in and comfort him. Let hom know how much I care and just take him in my arms and help him. I just can't. I love my husband and I have an 8 year old daughter. There is no happy ending and its hard. Right now we aren't living together and I miss him. It's such a screwed up story. I don't know if it'll get easier but I know being with him isn't an option.
My husband knows about all the texts and he was listening to every phone call. He knows im sexually attracted to him but not the extent of my feelings.
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