A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been a good woman. I never cheated on him. He was my first love, my first (and only) sex, my first everything. I have loved him for eight years. And I did not deserve this. The culmination of these years, is one year of calm and seven years of jealousy escalating into a firm conviction on his behalf that I cheated on him. Which I did not. He's just psychotically jealous. You know... the kind that takes everything in the worst possible way... everything he sees, hears, taste, touches and smells is "evidence" of cheating... Not sure how much longer this marriage will last. Any other women (or men, for that matter) going through what I'm going through right now? It seems such a ridiculous farce trying to follow the Golden Rule these days, this world is so corrupt that it doesn't pay to follow it, because no one will believe that you did. They will just say you're lying, and manipulating... I hate what our world has become, no one trusts anyone anymore. I did not know what I was getting into with this marriage because I was young and naive. There is just not enough awareness about jealousy issues on the internet and in society in general, and it is such a HUGE problem in relationships... Any other people have similar stories to share?
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 September 2010):
 It might just be that HE is the one who has been cheating. It is VERY common for cheaters to project their own guilt and angst onto their partners.
He seems really controlling and toxic, and unless you two talk this out or preferable seek some marriage counseling, he will not stop. More then likely he will escalate in his jealousy.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2010): First of all in today's world where trust has taken a beating due change of culture and environments, it is a common problem among couple and you are the only one. Most of the time husband face this, but in your case you are the one facing it.
Only solution is keep working on it. On positive side, it is good sign as far as your marriage is concerned that he wants you to be with him other wise his response would have been completely opposite. Another thing is that it seems he does not have any affair and may be he has values that matches yours.
So there are many positives hidden in his life. it is all fine.
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A
male
reader, Beingblack  +, writes (14 September 2010):
 You need to be aware of the warning signs here. You dont need to take action, but be very aware.
This man is a control freak, and his love for you borders on the obsessive. He cannot control how he feels about you - so he is trying to control YOU instead.
He isnt really jealous, he is afraid. He is terrified of several things, but mostly that he cannot control what you do when you are not with him. He wants total and complete control over every aspect of your life, so that his own fears are lessened.
There are examples of men who constantly ring their wives during the day to check up on who they work with, what they did at lunch and with whom, or men who get annoyed if their wife is 5 minutes late home from work, or if they deviated from their normal daily pattern. This is not jealousy, it is paranoia. I know men who have demanded their wives strip and show them their panties, looking for evidence of a sexual encounter. These women have done nothing wrong, except become the focus of a slightly unstable mind.
There is no easy solution, you cannot walk around on eggshells for the rest of your life. Every human being needs and deserves certain levels of freedom, and should feel trusted. The problem is entirely his, and he needs to address it, with a little help.
There are many ways to ease his mind, but why should you? You want to know why you just cant be YOU, and live your life with him as you would like. Well, until he faces his fears, the situation will not improve.
I would try to communicate with him a little more, if you are late, let him know in advance, or ask him to come meet you. If he rings you all day, if he wants to smell your clothes, tell him how sweet you think that is and you cant wait to let him. If you ever have to work with, travel with, or shop with another man, tell him, and say you wish he could come with you, even if you would LOVE to escape the control for an hour or two. Play along for a month, it might be a little weird at first, but he will soon back off. Whatever you do dont lie to him, even a small one. That will simply send him over the edge if he finds out.
If you love him, and want to work things out with him, thats all you can do, as I dont believe he will want to go to counselling. Ease his fears. Because they are very real and very dangerous to his mind.
If you choose to leave him, as is your prerogative, he will feel completely vindicated.
This man needs a lot of help.
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A
male
reader, jimrich +, writes (14 September 2010):
Jealousy is ALWAYS about bad self esteem and insecurity!
Other than counseling or therapy for him, not much you can do but endure or leave.
If there are kids involved you need to do whatever it takes to protect them from being DAMAGED by their parents failure to be adequate role models (his jealousy, you for allowing it to go on).
IMO, you are wrong about the internet. Just google: jealousy and see all the stuff that's available about it....how to deal with it, etc.
Or go to a book store/library and read all that they have to offer.
It's your life........
Jim
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2010): You should go to counseling. If he doesn't want to go by yourself but invite him everytime. Get an outside perspective involved. It will likely be years more of grief for you but could be the best thing after you're done.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (14 September 2010):
Hi there. Jealousy is a big problem inside a relationship. It can definitely drive a wedge between you, as I'm sure is probably already happening.
The reason why he seems to mistrust you, is probably a case of low self-esteem (on his part). He is apparently feeling insecure.
There is no need for jealousy at any time, unless the other person gives them reason to feel that way.
In any case, jealousy has no place in life really. Often people who feel jealous are comparing what they have in life with what someone else has. Maybe he thinks you have a better job than him and earn more money as well. Some men are insecure about things like that, because it makes them feel like they can't provide for you properly.
There's lots of things people get jealous about. Not just because someone flirts with another member of the opposite sex, although this is certainly one of them.
People get jealous because the neighbour has a fancier car than they have, or are always going off on holidays. There are so many things people compare themselves with.
But basically, it always comes down to insecurity and a low self-esteem. In other words, he doesn't believe in himself enough to feel good about who he is.
You say that after the first year, then things started to go a bit skewiff. Can you think back to what might have happened at that time? Sometimes there is a trigger of some sort.
Did you have a baby then? If you did (you haven't mentioned it), well then a lot of time would be devoted to the newborn baby, as is a natural thing. Quite often, after having a baby, some husbands can start to feel a bit left out, because it takes so much time to tend to the new baby's needs. It can put a lot of pressure on the relationship, with constant tiredness and sleepless nights, and a virtually non-existent sex life as a result.
If it wasn't the birth of a baby in the first year, did one of you change jobs? Did he lose his job then? Did he lose one of his parents or a sibling? There are so many things that could be a factor that might trigger a sudden change in behaviour. There must be a cause of some sort.
Another factor in new marriages, is the honeymoon period is said to be about 18 months to about 2 years on average. Meaning, the newness of it all lasts that long, where sex is more frequent during that time. After that period of time, life can start to get in the way, mortgages, children, bills etc., then sometimes the frequency of sex might also dwindle a bit. Reality starts to set in. You both realize you are not just dating and in a carefree situation anymore, there are other things to consider as well.
As a natural consequence, if the sex does decrease in frequency, perhaps he is reading this as - "She doesn't seem to want sex so much anymore, is she having an affair?" Even though this isn't true, he might misconstrue it that way, and hence the jealous behaviour. He is trying to read too much into it by making an assumption that you must be playing around. Instead of saying something and having a chat about it, he's not bothering and instead, coming to his own conclusions - as inaccurate as they seem to be.
Another thing I just thought of is, has he gained some weight or have you lost some weight since that first year. Perhaps he might feel that you aren't attracted to him so much now.
You both need to sit down and have a chat about it. It certainly can't just be left to continue for any longer, as it will only get worse - simply because it's been going on for so long.
Perhaps you could ask him what he feels so insecure about. In doing so, don't get angry or upset and don't criticize. Remember that when you communicate, it's not what you say - but how you say it, that really counts.
Hope this helps you. Take care and best wishes.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (14 September 2010):
 Yeah. Just look around this site - the sheer number of "I cheated and want to avoid the consequences" threads should put some perspective on his jealousy. In any population, once we reach a certain critical mass of people who don't follow the golden rule, they spoil it for everyone.
Jealousy is one of the strongest (perhaps THE strongest) emotions we can have. Combined with the fact that it's very difficult to conclusively prove you did NOT do something (compared to proving you DID, if you did), and you have this sort of situation.
The only recommendation I can make is that, in the future, you should refuse to associate with anyone who has ever been unfaithful. That's about the only thing you can do to keep a man from speculating, and even then it's not perfect. If you're already doing it, then keep at it.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (14 September 2010):
 Your right, jealousy is a killer in relationships. It's not that there is evidence to support that accusations, it's that there is a possibility or having the ability to cheat, meaning you have female parts, therefore the ability exists. However, the ability is not evidence that it is actually happening. The Golden Rule is still important, if that's how you choose to live. You don't have to follow society, but I can see where it'd be difficult when your husband believes that you are.
Have you two attempted counseling? It doesn't sound like this is something that you're causing, as much as it does in dealing with his self esteem issues and insecurities. Those areas need addressed in order to have any kind of marriage. How do you tell him how his behavior makes you feel? and What does he say when confronted? You said you love him, and that's why you got married.
You were not naive, and you did not do the wrong thing. Don't think that because the world sucks, and how people view commitment and fidelity in relationships has taken a dive that you have to be part of that. Don't give in to how society has become. Stick to your integrity and who you are and what you stand for, whether or not your marriage works out. That's what's important, because it is important to your being in who you are.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2010): If your guy is psychotically jealous, this deosn't mean you are bad or anything like that. It means he is a jerk and has a major problem so once you relaize this has nothing to do with ou, the sooner you'll recover.
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