A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hi EveryoneI am hoping some of you out there can answer this for me.Can you be best friends with someone and also have a sexual relationship with them but neither of you are in love with each other and no comittments.Neither of us have any other sexual attachments but we enjoy each others company and we are attracted to each other sexually always have been - but are we playing with fire here if one of us gets more attached than the other and would it kill a great relationship.I don't want to loose the friendship or the intimacy but i feel more i think than he does.We are mature aged we have been seeing each other like this for 4 yrs, but he says no falling in love with each other please?
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male
reader, i despratley need help  +, writes (14 September 2010):
 hi im in this predicament atm im best friends with a mate we have been like this for the last 2 yrs ive fallin for him not once but 3 times, the first couple of times ive tryed my hardest to ignore my feelins and moove on but it got to much and i spiled out evrything just at the wkd there and gess what ive not heard from him since i feel so down now i wish i just stuck to friendship without the sex as it does always end in heartbrake . x
A
male
reader, henock  +, writes (14 September 2010):
I know excactly what you are going through. I am in the same boat. Please try and think with your head and not your heart. It works for me. I am in love with this person, but I know that if i admit to it, it will screw up something beautiful. You have to be strong. If you want something more from the relationship, get out now and find someone that will trully love you, not only a FWb's. Hope this helps
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2010): I've never seen FWB's work out because one always gets more attached and FWB's never turns into a relationship because it would have been a relationship to begin with if there was that possibility.
The way I see FWB's is usually they comprise of one person who doesn't want be in a relationship with the other person and one that always falls in love. The one that falls in love gets hurt while hanging around hoping the other will fall in love too and very often feels used by the end of it.
They just don't work. If you have feelings for him beyond meaningless sex. Then you're already doomed because even though you know he will NEVER want anything more with you, your heart will not listen, the more strongly you feel about him the worse it will get.
Another huge drawback about FWB's for the person who gets more attached, is that while the one who is not is still single and to go out and find another person. The love one isn't because they don't want anyone else.
FWB is always playing with fire and in my above analogy, you're the person who has fallen in love.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2010): No. It will be the end of your friendship and that will be what you miss most when it is over.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (14 September 2010):
Hi there. Apparently, this is often called - Friends With Benefits (FWB). It is exactly what you describe, you are best mates (friends), but also have sex with each other as well. It's convenient, to say the least.
The thing is, if ever either of you wants more than just this FWB situation, you are never going to meet that special someone, who you want to spend the rest of your life with in a committed relationship. There will come a time where you will want more, as sex without committment, does wear thin and has an emptiness about it. You will crave more from a relationship.
Even though you are close friends, he said - "No falling in love with each other please", so he does not want a committment of any kind. It is usually the women who DO want more than just casual sex. So there is a possibility that you might fall in love with him. Then you will get hurt, because he doesn't want the same as you.
Perhaps go back to just being friends, but leave the sex out of it altogether. Because it kind of is getting in the way of something more meaningful, isn't it? It seems clear that "something more meaningful" isn't going to come from him, so it's going to be from someone else eventually.
While you are with him in this kind of setup, you are blocking the commitment thing from ever happening. You can still stay friends with him by all means, but keep it platonic - no sex at all. Don't let yourself give in. So you won't be tempted to have sex, restrict your contact to phone calls only, once a week or fortnight. Thereby getting out of the habit, by not actually physically seeing each other.
Maybe after a few phone calls, you could just go out for coffee and catch up, every now and then. But still even then, absolutely no sex. The longer you let the sex continue, the whole thing will continue on for a long time. It's a waste of both your time and his, as it's nothing beyond the casual sex. Yes, you are good friends, but not boyfriend and girlfriend (as you might like it to be).
Have a think about it. But usually, FWB friendships always seem to continue that way. Because basically, it just becomes a habit and nothing more. No matter how well you get along outside of the sex part, it's often too difficult to try and make the transition to something more sincere. That is, unless you back off from the sex (like I said earlier), and just remain good friends - but without the benefits!
See how you go. You do need to be honest with yourself about what you want and be honest with him also. If you do decide you want more than this, that will be the time to make the break from it. Surely you deserve more.
The good part about the FWB friendship, is it's convenient for him and he has a nice friend who also never says no to sex. What more could he ask for? The other part of it is, he knows because you are just friends, he doesn't have to bother to get to know you properly or take you to nice places, or spend any money on you either. It really is sex without ties. But is it enough for you?
Friends With Benefits friendships, are really just a gap filler. They serve their purpose - until something better comes along.
Hope this helps you. Take care and best wishes.
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A
male
reader, der_zyniker  +, writes (14 September 2010):
I don't think that this is a very good idea. I didn't develop feelings for a friend until I intentionally started to think of him in a sexual way and that just ruined the relationship. If you do this there is a good chance that feelings with begin to develop.
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A
male
reader, The Realist  +, writes (14 September 2010):
 I am not beyond saying that it can work but there any imbalance will cause stress on the friendship. If one person gets too attached then yes it can ruin the friendship or if one person finds a bf or gf and the other one doesn't have anyone.
Again I do believe that its possible but you have to weigh out if its worth it or not to go through with this. Another thing to keep in mind and I'm not trying to scare you but once you do go through with it there is really no way to go back and save the friendship.
With all of that aside I personally would be highly inclined to pursue this relationship even if I knew the consequences were unavoidable.
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