A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Okay, I'm writing this because I'm miserable and at my whit's end of things. You've may have heard this a thousands times before, but Im simply head over heels in love with a married man and I have being for the passed year. And the worrying thing is he says he is in love with me, but I know in my heart of hearts, he wont leave his wife as he would have done it by now. Although we have never had a 'physical affair', we havent even kissed! I feel that we are having some kind of emotional affair and its so strong, Ive never felt anything like this before. The fact that I can never 'truly be with him' or that fact that I cant talk about the situation with anyone is making me seriously miserable when Ive got so many other things to be grateful for, but my sun rises and sets with him. I sometimes get so bitter and angry about the whole situation, that I feel I should tell his wife about whats being going on, Ive got plenty of evidence, eg texts, emails etc so he couldnt deny it, but I know it would just push him away. I need to find a way to get over this guy, please help and dont judge, you can't help who you fall in love with. Thank you.
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female
reader, Denise32  +, writes (14 August 2011):
 Maybe you can't help who you fall in love with, But you CAN help what you do about it!
You knew he was not free to commit to you. Knowing this, you could have acknowledged you found him attractive, but made a firm resolve not to pursue him - or permit him to pursue you. You could have thought about the fact that by indulging in an emotional affair with you, he was going against his marriage vows to be faithful to his wife. You could have tried to look at it from her point of view.
You also could have considered that, knowing he was not ever going to end his marriage for you, that you are making yourself miserable, and preventing yourself from being free to perhaps meet a man who is without attachments and who might well wish to develop a happy relationship with you. You are not acting in your own best interests, and I think you know it.
As for telling his wife, why would you do that? I suspect that at some level you want to punish him for staying with her, instead of separating to make something of a life with you.
I am aware of your statement that you don't want to be judged, and I'm sure you won't like what I have written.
However, perhaps it will serve as a wake-up call to you to make a firm determination to put him once and for all out of your heart, mind and life and free yourself to eventually meet a more suitable guy, if you want. Console yourself with the knowledge that if you do this you WILL be doing the right thing, and freeing him up to devote his attention to the woman it belongs to - his wife!
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (8 August 2011):
I'm not here to judge, OP. Neither are the other aunties. I've been there, fell in love with a married man and was able to get over it. Though it wasn't easy.
Your man is playing with fire because he's allowing himself to get emotionally involved with you. That, to me, does not sound like an honorable man that deserves your attention and love. He is sucking you dry emotionally and you get nothing in return except impossibilities. I'm happy he hasn't tried crossing the line sexually, but the possibility exists that he will in the future and if you let him you are enabling him to ruin the happiness of his family.
I met the wife and child of the man I was in love with and once they became something more than just names passingly mentioned, the whole thing just started looking worse and worse.
For me, letting him go was hard because I never let him know I loved him--if he noticed he never let on--and he always stayed the honorable guy I thought he was to me. Your guy has already done some damage by crossing the line emotionally. Use this to see him for who he really is.
The key to getting over him is to make him less appealing to you. To every little thing about him that makes you go mush, find something of the contrary.
Now, imagine being the wife. She is the one he is supposed to be committed to. So imagine being oblivious at home, thinking your life is good, you have a loving husband, all the while the following is happening:
1. He is willing to go behind your back to invest time with another girl
2. He is sending texts, e-mails and other things to that girl while he should be spending time with you
3. He told this girl he loved her--something that should be reserved for you
How can you still love this man knowing he is trying to get it both ways, ruining two lives in the process! Yours and the wife he's promised to stay with through thick and thin! He is not a good guy. He is not even a loving guy. He is a selfish person who doesn't care who he tramples in pursuit of his needs, ignoring the needs of those he gets it from entirely. This is not love. He is using you and you're letting him. Love is a beautiful, but also terrible thing if you allow it to be.
So write all the downsides on the list. Everything, including the tiny details that annoy you. Read that every time you're feeling powerless and soon your love for this man will dissolve and your head will clear up. While in the process of doing this, meet up less and if you have the guts, tell him.
"I'm sorry, but I can't let myself be emotionally involved with someone who is married. I can't be that girl and I won't be that girl anymore. Please do me a favor and work on your marriage. Sort things out with your wife and leave me alone. You loved her once. Find out what it was about her that you loved and let me find someone who will commit himself fully to me."
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2011): you are a young woman, why do u want to remain second best in life, with no integrity and self esteem. married men are like leaches, they also appear just so nice, so attentive, so bloody good that u poor unsuspecting gals just lap it up, hook, line and sinker.
if this guy is soooooo nice how the hell can he cheat on his wife?
if u value yourself hun, dont stoop so low as to get involved with a MM. they destroy your life in the end. you know right from wrong and u know how wrong it is to take another womans hb.
there are good men out there, unattached men who will not lie and who will not hide u away from the world. you deserve the best. so taking soneone else hb is not the best.
my brother is this so called good married man. his mistress will never be another more than a f@ck toy to him. he will never leave his wife and kids for her. he has made that clear to me. so you see, married men are dogs . t hey promise their mistresses the world but sadly all they give out is heartache and pain and humiliation.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, lerato29  +, writes (8 August 2011):
 you need to move on find your own man as you said he wont live his wife for you,have you ever thought that he loves his wife more than you?do you always want to be the second best,i know it hurts but his not yours.
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A
male
reader, Tom Obler +, writes (8 August 2011):
 This is not good because it makes you feel miserable. You can lose this feeling of miserable by leaving this situation. Be strong and part ways. You will feel better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2011): It's pretty simple: either wake up, move on, delete his number and learn from your mistake or carry on feeling miserable and alone. The choice is yours.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (8 August 2011):
 I beg of you, please listen to the wise advice of the other aunts. Nothing good can come of this relationship! The sadness, wasted time will not be enough in the end for the stolen moments. My best friend got involved with an older married man, old enough to be her father. He actually had children older than her. He was suave, debonair, said all the right things....and she fell for him..hook, line and sinker. She wasted 10 years of her life waiting for this man to leave his wife. There was always some reason why he couldn't...wife was sick, problems with kids, wasn't the right time with his job....I'm sure you get the picture. She spent so many holidays alone..waiting for his call, which many times didn't come...planned trips that never happened, and the censure of our entire town. EVERYONE it seemed knew of their affair but his wife. And then the very worst happened, my friend accidentally got pregnant. She was thrilled! She was 22, and had never had a baby, she desperately wanted this baby. Guess what? He didn't, and nice guy that he was gave her money for an abortion. (I'm being sarcastic saying he was nice.) She stayed with him even after that. But FINALLY she woke up. 10 wasted years.....PLEASE DON'T get physically involved with him! End it now...you'll be doing yourself a huge favor. Please consider what we have all said, sweetie. You're too young to waste your life on someone who really isn't free. He'll tell you anything to get you to stay with him, but trust me, he'll still be going home to his wife/family every night while you are alone. Is that really how you want things to be? Make the decision now to walk away before you get in any deeper. Cut him out in every possible way. Its going to hurt, but you can do it. Please think of your future. I wish you all the best.
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (8 August 2011):
 Cut him out of your life. He cannot give you what you need and want, and he never will. You will not be satisfied with the little you do get and eventually, you'll start pushing for more. He'll get pissed and stop talking to you, breaking your heart in the process.
Do yourself a favor and end it before it goes further. There are single men out there better than this that can give you the commitment and time he cannot.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (8 August 2011):
 I know he probably seems the most dashing romantic wonderful man. But he is only showing you his 'best' side.He is not showing you his skill at duplicity.He can easily 'wait' before consumating the relationship as he continues to 'get' that at home.He has probably done this before, even though he will swear black and blue that he has 'never' done this before. And you will believe him.He is not going to be too thrilled about pictures being taken of the two of you together, especially in intimate situations.He'll never be able to spend Christmas eve and all day Christmas day with you. It is unlikely that you will get to have long leisurely weekends together.Your assignations, when they start, will be two hour affairs while he keeps an hour on the clock. And will careful to not forget anything and careful to not leave anything behind by mistake.Planning outings will often be fraught with sadness when he will be late, or unable to attend, or cancel at the last moment.Eventually he will get irritated with you wanting the relationship to develop and evolve, as normal relationships do. This will make him unhappy. He will want you to be satisfied with being compartmentalised as Ms wednesday and ms Friday. It is not enough. You will get sad. Then you will be dropped to just Ms Wednesday or ms Thursday, if it suits him.Finally he will invent some excuse for why it cannot continue and your heart will break.I am not judging you.My approach is compassion for the situation you are in.No matter how wonderful he seems, you really do deserve better.You may gloss it over and think, 'no, i love him. Just a little of his time will be enough'But that will eventually come to be untrue.You do deserve a 24/7 commitment in a relationship where the guy is with you and supportive and genuine and available, exclusively for you.I do hope you can find the guy you really need, not the guy you think you want right now.Best Wishes.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (8 August 2011):
 You are right that the heart chooses what it wants, but this is one of those times where your mind, your common sense, needs to speak louder than your heart.
You already know that no good can come from a relationship with a married man, even if it is only this "connection" you describe of. He is married. He is committed to someone else.
You could tell his wife, but really who does that help? Sure, it would hurt him and enlighten her that something is wrong in the marriage, but would'nt you rather do something more productive for you?
I can guarantee you that he is not losing sleep or grieving over this like you are. You are probably boosting his ego and what do you get in the end? Heartache.
Would'nt it be better to get your life going in a direction that benefits you, but also steers it towards someone who is free to love you like you want and deserve?
"Vengance" towards his wife or towards him will not help you get over him. What will work is you disconnecting from him, deleting contact info, and filling up your free time that was open to him. Get new hobbies, new friends, date SINGLE men and do what it takes to make you feel great about your life.
Good Luck.
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A
female
reader, Brainiac9601 +, writes (8 August 2011):
That would have to be my motto, you can't help who you fall in love with. My whole life I've been living that. It first started in 8th grade when I fell for my Algebra teacher. He was married, 20 years older, and his wife was pregnant to top it all off. Now I'm guessing the age difference is no real problem here but the married part is. It's good that you haven't started anything physical, since that would just make it worse. What I would suggest is going out and finding other guys to talk to and hang out with. If you know this isn't going to go anywhere, just cut the ties straight off. If you can remain friends go for it, if you can't handle the emotional baggage with that, do as I said before, forget him and cut him off from your life. Put no lingering thoughts into it or you won't forget him. If you do think something could happen, you need to confront him about it. Ask him whether or not something is going to happen out of it. If he says no, just forget him and find someone new. Go out and have fun. Just remember, it will hurt, but only time can heal. Distancing yourself from him will help. Hope this helps.
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