A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:The roads are treacherous and icy today, the kids are home from school. My husband, although having the option (from his boss) to work from home, got up before the crack of dawn and spent over two hours to get to his office in a commute that usually takes 45 minutes (with a leaky tire and broken windshield wiper) The stairs are unnavigable from our front door, the 50 lb ice melt bags are sitting undisturbed in the garage. This is nothing new. We've been married for ten years, he is rarely home for dinner. When he gets home it's back to the computer for more work. I work part time on the weekends when he is home. I am an independent person, I take the kids on vacation (he's too busy to go) I take care of kids, homework, bedtime by myself almost every day. I blew up at him today. I called him at work to tell him about my view out the window. ( I'm surprised he answered the phone). Outside I could see every neighbor dad outside shoveling stairs, walks and driveways and I felt completely on my own. I know so many people have problems getting work in this economy. I don't feel I have the right to complain, but I have felt like a single parent so long I can hardly bear the loneliness anymore. I've talked until I'm blue in the face with him about it, we've gone to therapy, nothing changes. I feel like if I file for divorce, I will never be able to un-ring that bell and it will mean a hard life for everyone. On the other hand,if I don't, I'll live the last great years of my life without a the chance of finding a best friend I can truly enjoy my life with. I feel numb, sad and paralyzed.
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at work, best friend, divorce Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Unlucky in luv  +, writes (2 February 2011):
Family and relationships can be so hard it's obvious you've tried talking to him and like you it's painful when we compare and see other families looking like the Brady bunch! For me I had to demand time get a baby sitter and really tell him how unhappy you are which affects the happiness of the kids maybe suggest a couple of nights where he has to make the effort to sit down with you and the kids at dinner time tell him how lonely you feel if he's unable to hear I would try marriage counselling it's really good for each one having their say and being heard. Good luck x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm so thankful your help, I really appreciate everyones take and it gives me a lot to think about. We live a pretty simple life, no huge expenses or fancy lifestyle. I am glad he has something that makes him feel fulfilled and happy, I just wish he would balance us in the equation and I got to feeling sorry for myself this morning. Your responses made me feel I am not entirely alone. Again, thanks.
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A
male
reader, Liebes Kummer +, writes (2 February 2011):
How do you behave when he is home? You mentioned that you guys have been for counseling; was it also work-related?
The reason i'm asking is because i had an uncle who would go straight from work to the pub (not to get drunk) or restaurant because his wife nagged him all the time.
Could your husband be using work as an excuse to get away from you?
I am married and i know how it makes me feel when my wife just carries on and on; i just want to go out.
Divorce should ussually be the absolute last resort but, if you have exhausted every other avenue, then a trial seperation may be the way to get him back to his senses.
I mean, if it fails, then you might have to consider the prospect of being a single parent full time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2011): Don't compare him as a father and a husband to your neighbors. He will probably resent that. He probably rationalizes his schedule by saying that he does what he does for you and your kids. If he's good at his job and he feels he is an inadequate father and husband, it's all the more reason he focuses on work.
Given the economy, I can understand why he wants to be the one to show up at a time "when no one else will." It's called "face time" and it ensures that his job will be there for him tomorrow. I can understand why he might think this critical if he is the bread winner in the family. At least financially, it's his job that sustains the family, even if it's at the expense of being emotionally involved in the family.
I can empathize why it's fustrating, my father was a big time work-aholic. I think part of it had to do with the sense of purpose he had at the office rather than with the family. My mother worked as well, but kept it strictly 9-5. She was stressed out all the time. He was worse. He regularly forgot my name or confused me with my sisters. It was irritating.
Instead of comparing him to the "other dads" ask him for specific things. For instance, say to him you want him "Home for dinner at least 3X a week."
Ask him specifically to spend time with the kids. If your kids have an event or a game, request that he show up. If his absence bothers your kids and they complain to you, tell them to mention it to him directly.
Regarding your personal relationship, request an evening a week where you can go out together by yourselves or with another couple. Hire a babysitter once in a while and get away.
The solutions probably aren't obvious to him, so just be specific.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (2 February 2011):
 Maybe try a trial separation? Perhaps when he's entirely on his own he'll realize what is really important in life and make some changes. I hope so. But I agree that spending the rest of you life lonely but unable to find a lover, friend, and helpmate is a very bad option.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2011): Aw, I've been there. Took the kids on vacations by myself too. I know what you are talking about. I started to develop hobbies and interests of my own that took me out of the house. Had to wait until the kids were older because he was never home to babysit either. Eventually I had a whole different life that didn't include my husband.
We are still married. He now complains of the lack of communication and intimacy in the marriage. This is because he is not a work alcoholic any more. So, now he feels it. I'm thinking marriage counseling is the only answer if things are to be the way both of us would like.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2011): Hello,
When you discuss why he wouldn't want to take that opportunity to be at home on a day were her clearly could be what does he say? Is this his way of avoiding things? Is he distant? Are you certain he's always working?
If you know for sure he's faithful and is a good dad then it might be time (yet again) to speak about this when u have some privacy. Tell him your "feeling alone" tell him he needs to understand your feelings and needs to act on them. Not just nod and listen but he has to want to be in this marriage and he has to be willing to change some aspects to make u feel like your not alone.
If he's unable to, then u have to make some tough choices that only you can do. Decide whether having a "hubby" that doesn't complete you, or being single and eventually finding someone who can.
Good luck
:-)
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A
female
reader, viccra78 +, writes (2 February 2011):
Oh dear, I feel for you! It must be a terrible feeling knowing that his work has taken the front seat to basically his life.
It sounds like you have tried and that is all you can do. At this point, you have to make that tough decision whether or not you want to live like this forever.
I don't think that feeling numb, sad and paralyzed is normal in a relationship. What I think that your husband is missing is that marriage is supposed to be give and take and it sounds like he is doing the taking and none of the giving.
I think that you have some decisions to make.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, PatientlyWaiting1 +, writes (2 February 2011):
Wow. I have never been married but I can imagine to an extent. It seems as if you have exhausted all of your resources. Maybe go for a trial separation before divorce. Sometimes it takes a person not having the other person to realize. You know the saying "you never miss your water..."
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A
female
reader, crummyscreenname  +, writes (2 February 2011):
I think that you need to ask yourself what is wrong with your relationship that he always wants to avoid being together.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (2 February 2011):
 I think you need to sit down and have a talk with your husband. He's obviously working hard for a reason -- either he is a workaholic and gets a "high" / self esteem boost from working hard or you guys have a need for money and power toys and this is his way of making ends meet. You don't really say in your post, so I am guessing it is a little bit of both.
I think it's time for you guys to sit down and take a look at your quality of life, together, as a couple. He needs to realize that his family life is just as important as his career. Explain to him that his kids aren't seeing enough of him and you miss him as well.
I think some positive solutions would be:
1) Find a different job with less responsibilities
2) Cut your living expenses so that he can take a less demanding job. Whether that means downsizing your house or selling a car or what not... cut the expenses.
3) Ask his boss to cut his responsibilities a bit.
Finally see if you can cut your weekend job. Do you really need the money that badly?
Ultimately, you guys have to work through this as a team and it starts with you expressing your concerns to him.
Good luck
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