A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I recently broke up with my boyfriend of two years after finding out he spent a large amount of money at a strip club without telling me. I told him not to call me until he wanted to be honest about how he spent the money. He didn't call me for five days and just went out of town, leaving his truck at my house. He only called to pick up his truck. I met him at his house and begged to talked, balled my eyes out begging for him back but he said he doesn't see himself marrying me. I asked if he wasn't in love with me and he said he wasn't and is tiredvof make up break up. He called me once to ask if I knew where his phone was and asked if I was home then came by and dropped off my stuff hanging the necklace he gave me on the door didnt talk much. What is really going on with him? I thought we were happy and in love a week ago.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2008): I read your posting and I have to admit where I read the part,
"I met him at his house and begged to talked, balled my eyes out begging for him back but he said he doesn't see himself marrying me."
Sorry to say this, but when I read that quote, I put my head down and sighed deeply. Your voluntary blindness was just too much to bear. You need some advice---badly. Firstly, ever never beg for a man who is treating you like crap...to give you something that he's just not going to. You need courage and you really need to get some dignity and pride, hun. And I mean that in the most caring way. Woman to woman. That is obvious here. For him to do something disrespectful to this relationship, that clearly is a boundary here..he is saying he doesn't give a hoot. But you are weak by your heart and emotions. And this is where women get real dumb and blind to the bad characteristic traits of a man they love. He can do anything he wants because 'you will beg him to come back'. And what a price you are paying here. You are a grown woman who makes her own decisons and uses her head about who is good for her life. And, clearly, he's not good for your life. Don't take the typical, ever so 'female' escape route and act forlorn, heartbroken and plead with him. You will only serve to keep losing a piece of yourself anytime a guy treats you like a doormat. Stop doing that...today. You are on the recieving end of his "I don't care about you' behaviors...you have no bargaining power in this relationship because you are so inappropriately dependent on him...to make you feel special. Stop doing that...today. ou have a bf who doesn't know how to love a woman properly. So stop struggling to keep any fantasy of this so called love relationship going and kick his ass to the curb, girl. Never ever allow anyone, to take you down this way. You need to find the strength and empower your life, so you aren't so dependent like this. A true love is kindness, mutual respect, regard, support, trust and all that wonderful stuff. You deserve it but you won't get it with him..ever again. You are not a victim here...just a woman who made the wrong choice and ended up with a guy who didn't know how to love her. Get out there and recover from this...and someday when you heal..go find a man who respects and honorsyou. There are plenty of awesome, decent men out there and you deserve one of those guys.. Good luck and take care of yourself, hun.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2008): Actually there are a lot of strip clubs that employ women that aren't the best looking & have low self esteem to boot. I have known a few girls who ended up being strippers and they did get involved with the men there.
So I wouldn't be so quick to say that men rarely get involved with strippers. And even if not, why is it o.k. for a man who is in a relationship to pay a lot of money to have some naked woman rub herself all over him, then go home to his wife or g/f? I don't see that as being o.k. in the slightest bit. If women did that we'd be called sluts. SO I think your opinion of it being totally fine is just ignorant & you're only seeing your side of things, the "man's side". It is probably true that her relationship problems didn't start at the strip club, but there's a reason men go there, and a lot of times they are hoping to find some low self esteem girl who will give them more than a lap dance. If not, they wouldn't be paying them so much money. There was a man who posted a question on here a couple weeks ago saying he was happily married, his wife didn't mind him going to strip clubs, he went one night got a lapdance, the stripper unzipped his pants and mounted him and they had intercourse & he didn't know if he should tell his wife or not! So why should we women wait for something like this to potentially happen? I would never tolerate that of my husband, but he is not the kind to go to a strip club so I am lucky.
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reader, SamuraiRick +, writes (17 January 2008):
 First of all, if you ask me his going to the strip club should not be the big issue that it’s being made up to be in this whole question. The problem with your relationship started long before he went there. Most everyone is quick to call him a jerk when they don’t know his side of things. I’m going to play devils advocate and try to show his side without being so accusatory.
I’m seeing a lot just in the few things you say in your question. A lot about your relationship… And frankly, a lot about your character. Your relationship is and has been lacking for him. Some would say he went to the strip bar because he is a dumbass and is doing this to hurt you. Some would say he’s a monster for going to a strip bar even if he wasn’t in a relationship, saying they don’t understand why men do that. This is not the time to explain to all women here why men go to strip bars but I will say a few things. A lot of men in happy relationships go to strip bars…they come to home to their wives and girlfriends and everything is all right. What guys do in strip bars stays in the bars and we don’t bring any baggage home. Guys do not invest any emotional involvement with women in strip bars. They are there for entertainment.
Strip bars are not cheap either. Most places have a valet park your car for a fee, you pay the valet then you also tip him. Then you pay ten to twenty dollars cover just to get in. If you have a coat you pay for that to be taken care of. The price for a bottle of beer can buy you a six-pack in the store; if you buy food that can run into money too. They sell fine wine in some places that charge you hundreds of dollars! So even before a dancer looks at you, you are spending money. You don’t have to have a single lap dance or table dance to spend money in a strip bar. Just by being there you are spending money. So lets me just set that record straight. Strip bars are expensive!
Nonetheless the money that guys can spend at a strip bar becomes the issue, which is ridiculous. The real issue should be is he spending emotional time with a woman who is not his wife or girlfriend at such a bar. The answer to that is usually no. I say usually, because the women who work in those places do a pretty good job of policing themselves and pretty smart at what they do. They see a guy, might talk to them for a while and then a lap dance can be performed for a fee. Bam!... They go to the next table!
That’s not a relationship. That’s just pure titillation. There’s no emotional involvement at all. A lot of women that work in strip bars also happen to be lesbian, so even there it’s unlikely you can get into a relationship with one. They are nice to you because they get PAID to be nice to you.
So for women out there afraid their guys might be cheating on them in a strip bars, its just not likely. I’d be more worried if your guy were in a regular bar talking to regular girls…that’s where real cheating can start. A guy can go to a strip bar on a typical night spend a lot of money and come home with nothing. At a regular bar he can spend a fraction of that same money, meet a girl and have a one night stand…yeah real sex. So is money the real issue here?? I don’t think so.
But let’s leave that aside.
The real root of the problem is what happened in your relationship before he went to the strip bar. Was he lacking in something he wasn’t getting from you? Maybe so. It could be an underlying factor. In part of your question you say something that is rather telling: he responds to you saying he was “tired of makeup and breakup.” If that’s a pattern in your relationship then it’s not a healthy one. It’s amazing but that kind of stuff, the stuff of drama...we man hate it! We try to avoid it as much as possible. We prefer stability in a relationship, and not going back and forth with a girl who is indecisive about where the relationship stands.
Its sounds to me like you were pushing him away a lot…and then doing a lot of begging to get him back…which is also not good. Never push. And definitely never beg.
Gentle love and persuasion will always win your love more than any pushing or begging. I say that as a universal rule for both men and women and I stand by it. I am not saying you are totally at fault for the breakup in your relationship, but you play a bigger part in it than you give yourself credit. Instead of reacting like you did by pushing him away saying not to talk to you until he comes clean…you could have laughed it off. Silly boy spending all that money in a strip bar for nothing! Instead of being confrontational you could have gotten on his lap lovingly and showed him what he could get for free. Show him how good it can be with you and he will never cheat on you. It goes back to what I said earlier….men want stability in their relationships. We don’t want the nagging, we don’t want the breakup and makeup …we just don’t need the drama. We want women who are loving, steady and reliable especially with their emotions.
The crying and begging and pity party will not win him back either. You have to show him love to get love back. That’s part of why he grew out of love with you. I don’t think you were showing him the love you were expecting him to give you.
And when he went to entertain himself elsewhere of course you got mad. But you should have channeled that anger in a better way. You could have used it to your advantage saying: well now its time to spend money on me!…something like that.
For you to be with him for two years there had to be real love between you at some point….somewhere along the line it got lost. I wish you better success in the future.
Peace out!
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reader, BadAsh6705 +, writes (17 January 2008):
 It seems like there is maybe two possibilities in this situation...
Either this guy was looking for an excuse to get out of this relationship and this gave him the easy way out, or he is just still very upset about what happened and will need some time to come around. Seeing as how you were together for 2 years, he may eventually realize that he gave that up for stupid reasons and apologize. At that point, it will be up to you if you believe him or not, but don't let him back just because you want him to. Make sure he is serious first.
On another note, I can see being upset about him being dishonest, but what is wrong with going to the strip club sometimes? Maybe it's just me, but my boyfriend and I enjoy going to the strip clubs together with our friends sometimes and he gets lap dances, but it doesn't really bother me so much because at the end of the night he comes home with ME!
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reader, Laura1318  +, writes (17 January 2008):
 He could be very angry and piss off by your way of questioning how he spend his money.You were confrontational and controlling.You could have dealt with that issue in another softer and gentle way.
At times like this , he can become irrational and would not tell you the truth.
You just have to let him cool down and and play the waiting game.Don't go crawling back to him.Just leave him alone till he has done all his sulking's.
Relationships got ups and downs. Sometimes , they need repair and maintenance.
If he comes back , then he is yours...
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female
reader, living and learning +, writes (17 January 2008):
Girl, WHATS GOING ON WITH YOU? If that's not something you are willing to tolerate then stick to your guns and let his butt go.Ask yourself," do i want to marry someone who enjoys strip clubs?", because if he is doing it now he may do it married. It's better for him to be honest with himself now about what he wants in a wife, then for you to get a rude awakening later. Many guys dont see a problem with spending money on strippers, but if that is your issue then he may be doing you a favor by bailing out now.
i know it hurts to break up with someone you love but, hey, its not love for him and love shouldnt be a one sided thing.
I applaude you for having your own sense of self and not settling for a whatever man. You dont have to accept that. Know this men are just like the city bus, one comes every hour on the hour. Hold whatcha got ( and that is a set of standards).
If you dont stand up for something you will fall for anything.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2008): I was with a guy for a year and we were both 18. He was so sweet, & always said he wanted to marry me one day. All of a sudden he started going to strip clubs and parties w/o me, he would always break plans w/ me, I could never get him to call me back, etc. I was really confused and heart broken. I thought we were in love and that he was not that kind of person. But what was happening I found out later on is that he met another girl (a stripper) and he was dating her, they partied all the time, drank, got into trouble etc. She was a wild one. His friends liked her b/c they were all wild "redneck" party types and I was more down to earth I guess. So anyways he ended up begging me back, but since then I found someone else, and I did not want him back. I saw what a loser he was & found out he had been having 3-somes with strippers & he gave me a STD as well. He was a jerk. He was young, and he wanted to be free. he wanted to party, do strippers, etc. & if he was in a relationship with me he knew that he couldn't live that lifestyle. I also tried talking to him several times, and not only would he not talk to me, but he had the audacity to accuse me of cheating on him (his guilty conscious?) so all I can say is that you need to just let him be & let him go off on his own & do what he wants to do. And you in the meantime, meet someone else who is more mature & not looking to go to strip clubs as a way to have fun. BTW my ex ended up getting the stripper pregnant, and the last I heard they had 2 kids & were on the verge of divorce. I am happily married with a 9 mo. old and another on the way..good luck & move on to better things.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (17 January 2008):
 Hi,
I hate to say it but he's no longer emotionally involved with you. Which begs the question as to how much he was in the first place? He has distanced himself from you rather quickly, and from his perspective ( and a lot of males for that matter ) you have dumped him so as far as he is concerned its over so why talk about it. It's how the male mind often works I'm afraid - he will see little point in discussing anything with you as you have dumped him.
If I was you I would count my lucky stars you won't end up in 10 years time thinking why did I marry this jerk and try and meet someone in the future who isnt so self centred.
Good luck.
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male
reader, Moviefan +, writes (17 January 2008):
 Ok there is variables in this situation that you do not know about. He gave up because he doesnt think you are compatible because he likes the strip club and likes to do what single people do even if he isnt. Thats always a possibilitie. I personally do not see why guys likes those places that well. Or it could be that he likes someone else or he had relations with someone else and cant face you and thats why he is not talking to you now. And this is more likely if he has accused u of cheating lately. And if this is so this would explain why he went to the strip club, its because he fealt single because he knew your time together was ending because he cheated.
All ideas so dont take them as fact. There possibilities.
Hope i helped =)
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female
reader, O Connor  +, writes (17 January 2008):
 i dont mean to sound harsh but it sounds to me like this guy has moved on pretty quickly and in his eyes its over. talk to him again, letting him know that not only do you love him, but that you are really confused. the least he could do is give you some closure and some understanding - you deserve that. and by the way, this guy sounds like a creep, and you deserve more than to be treated like a storage facility and a doormat. move on and find someone who appreciates wat he has, and doesnt go paying for it elsewhere. email me if you wanna talk more hun, good luck with everything xxx
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