A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:heres the story: about 5 months ago my live-in boyfriend of 5 years left me. He instantly had a gf (which leads me to believe he was seeing her before the break up, altho he denies it) anyway, we keep in touch bc we have to, as we have children together. NOW that other girl left him, and he's "heart-broken" so he is coming around me more. We have both made it clear that we are NOT getting back together, but he wants to still have sex. He even told me if I didnt to not ever talk to him again and he would no longer help me with the kids or with money (which he does all the time, and I rely on him for a lot when it comes to them) I cant put him on child support bc if i do he says he wont ever watch the kids (he watches them while i work) and i will have to pay a babysitter that i cant afford. He says if i need any help at all dont come to him, and I really have no1 else. It makes me feel like a prostitute, having sex when i dont want to, so he will help me, but I dont know what else to do!?!
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (11 July 2009):
 Someone this unstable is absolutely right. You shouldn't be expected to influence your kids to this negative environment. Your job is to protect your kids, before anything else. It's okay to worry about the health and well being of someone, but not to ANY extent which could cause you harm or harm to your children.
First, File for custody. As long as you two have not gone to court, he can take the kids, and there isn't anything the authorities can do when a court hasn't determined custody.
Second, keep a journal, dates and times of contact, what threats were made, when you had "coercive sex", which is also (3rd degree sexual assault) etc. You'll need this to file a protection order. I believe this is necessary for you to do. I don't always see filing an order as being the best choice, but in your case I see this as being a necessity.
After filing an order of protection, I'd recommend speaking to a victim's advocate. They may have other services or advice that can help you keep yourself and your children safe.
When you begin your job and your friend watches them, since she's not working, she can file with the Department of Family Services, and she might be eligible for $1.25 + per hour, per child for the babysitting services. This could help out your household until she gets employed.
I agree with the other poster. His behavior, using support of his children in exchange for sexual favors, shows his unwillingness to just be a father. I wish you luck, and being able to live without fear. Take care.
A
male
reader, Your friend  +, writes (11 July 2009):
 Threatening to suicide in some cases can be a form of emotional blackmail so don't be drawn into his manipulation. You should be proud of what you have achieved so far.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again for the reply I'm going to look into that asap. Now he's threatening suicide says I dont love him anymore and the girl he left me for went back to her husband. Ugh I cant be with him, I hate being scared in my own home, I refuse to let my kids be around someone so unstable. I dont want him to kill himself either though! I just dont know what to do with this guy at all. I want him to go on and live his life without bothering me- I dont know what to do- sorry for being so bothersome but thanks for your continuous replies.
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A
female
reader, babymama99 +, writes (9 July 2009):
 If you are afraid he will physically harm you get a restraining order against him. also try to get at least temporary custody of the kids until the custody case has been completed. if you are unsucessful in that if you tell them he threatend to take the children away - maybe you can request monitored visitation, where someone is with him at all times when he is visiting the children.
As far as telling him where you have moved, I frankly don't know. but I will assume that if these are his kids and you move without his knowledge I think that can be considered abduction (the same if he took the children without your knowledge). you should talk to a family lawyer or to the child protective agency in your state to find out what your rights are.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk well I got a good paying job that I start next week! I am moving in with 1 of my friends who is also a single mom, she recently lost her job so she is going to stay and take care of the kids while I work! Kind of like a "nanny" she will live there and babysit while I pay the bills! I'm just afraid- frm what I've told you about my ex its obvious he is very controlling and has been abusive in the past. He came to my house tonight and I refused sex (which I've done before, but ended up giving in out of guilt or fear) this time I refused. He was very very angry and I'm afraid he will want some sort of "revenge" on me. Do I have to let him know where I am moving to? We have equal custody of the kids- there has been no custody case he is on both of their birth certificates- so does that mean he has to know? I'm afraid he will try to use them against me if I go thru with this. He's threatened taking them and I would "never see them again." I dont want to be afraid everyday anymore- any help would be appreciated!
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A
female
reader, babymama99 +, writes (23 June 2009):
Get a good Lawyer (a public defender is free) and take him to court. Tell the judge that currently he is watching the children so that you can work. If he refuses to watch the children while you work ask for that much more in the child support settlement. for example if you need $200 a month and day care is $400 a month ask for $600 a month, unless he agrees to watch the kids. this way it becomes a court order and he can't back out of the deal.
In the mean time, try to get some type of public assistiance, until you can get firmly on your feet. most states have some sort of welfare service you can join for struggling single mothers.
He thinks hes holding all of the cards, but what he dosen't know is that you have some cards up your sleave too and plus you have the law on your side. He is the father of those children it is his responsibility to take care of them. they are not pawns in his sick game for sex. if you don't act now he will continually come back to you for sex.
If you have any reason to believe that he would not care for these children appropriately then just ask for the money without the option to keep them during the day.
In most cases the state does not want to care for these children, if they can find the father they will absolutely make him pay up.
YOU DON'T NEED HIM, you just need him to take care of his kid which any man worth the title would do without blackmailing their mother. Now its time to make him man-up.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThere are 2 kids and they are both his. The only family I have is my Mom who is unstable. I dont leave my kids with her longer than an hr or two, she loves them but she is not healthy, mentally. Anyway I guess I didnt make it too clear...he doesnt live with me anymore, he did until he left. I have exhausted my resources. There is a program that helps with daycare but they have a 4 month waiting list in my town. In order to even get on the list you have to already meet all the guidelines. One of which is having the absent parent on child support. The reason I have to have him on cs to even qualify is because they want to make sure I'm doing all I can on my part to try an pay for daycare myself. This would be no problem, its that 4 month waiting period where I would have no options. As soon as I put him on child support he says he wont watch them anymore, I dont know anyone who can/will for 4 months until that program comes through. Someone said I sound powerless, I really feel that way. :(
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A
female
reader, bobbles32  +, writes (22 June 2009):
 bring him to court, you'll get a paycheque every month. You don't NEED him around. There are so many daycares out there that are geared toward low income families. You should look into something like that, or find a cheap babysitter. It's not that hard.
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A
female
reader, Chippy2 +, writes (22 June 2009):
How many and what ages are the kids? Are they his kids? Is there a womanscenter near u? What part of the US do you live in? Unless you are in a very remote area most towns have help for someone in your situation.
I would not want a man like that WATCHING the kids! And it is not right for him to ask for sex for it - unless you are interested also.
My advice is to look at your options - there must be someone where you work or somewhere to find out services in your area - the library, the doctors office, magistrate.
Do some research get your game in place then kick him out, apply for child support and dont look back.
I do believe he will only get visitation if he files for it.
My x never did - cause he knew I would fight it.
Good luck - Do what is right by the kids and you -
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A
male
reader, Your friend +, writes (22 June 2009):
What a complete jerk, a lowlife. His behaviour is repugnant to all that is decent in a human being. Yes you are right he is blackmailing you to become his prostitute. Someone like this should not be looking after your kids anyway as anyone who makes such a threat might also be willing to do other things when you are not around to get even with you for not putting out and I would hate that to happen when he is around the kids. He has no morals and as such cannot be trusted to be around your kids regardless of how good he has been with them before he made these threats. Approach an organisation like eg the salvation army who would find this story unsettling and one that they might consider providing assistance or I'm sure could reommend an appropriate support organisation. Once you have some kind of support structure in place then go for the child support. Not paying child support has repercussions for him too as he will have a record of non payment. You have nothing to lose because you have no option. You sound powerless in your comments, this is never true of any situation. Go on the attack and take action by finding your options and pursuing them until you get the result you want, there are always people who want to help.
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A
male
reader, Goin crazy +, writes (22 June 2009):
I think you feel sex is love I.E. you already have kids by another man Or should i say BOY that abandond you. First of all having kids is a big responceability. Im shure you know that already, but for this guy to basiclly blackmail you into having sex with him is very wrong no matter how you look at it. What would happen if you were to get pregnant by him as well. And that dont garentee that he will stick around either.Dont use whats between your legs to get what you need for you and your kids. And you are rite it does make you look like a hooker. You dont have relatives that may help with your kids during the day while you work.?? I know daycare is very expensive.Shurly you other options ??Im 51 years old and would like to talk to you if you want.??
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