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anonymous
writes: The other day, I was writing an e-mail to my girlfriend. She had told me some very personal information and I was replying to some concerns she had about her upcoming divorce. When I left the computer to answer the phone, my boyfriend had came to my computer. When I came back into the room I saw him reading my mail. I got annoyed and asked to "respect my privacy and not read my mail". He was aghast with me. He thought he was doing nothing wrong! I told him "It ended up with him getting angry at me and storming out of the house...saying I was "over reacting". I still think I had the right to ask for him to respect my privacy. I have never ever given him a reason NOT to trust me and he knows I am totally committed to him and have always been honest and open with him. But I was perturbed that he would sneaky about doing this. why not just ask "if he could read it". He ended up making me feel badly for getting annoyed at him...he turned it around by saying "I shouldn't have anything to hide from him" I mean..geez. that comment irked me all the more. I'd like some comments from the readers on this.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (7 July 2005):
 I wouldn't have stood for it and if it'd been me, he would have copped a serious blast about personal boundaries.
You are absolutely entitled to your privacy, and in no way were you overreacting. All the well-meaning bluster about "love has no secrets" and "in a relationship, you shouldn't hide anything" is C-R-A-P. Don't be manipulated. You're not in the wrong: he is. People do not need to share every detail of their lives with each other.
He helped himself to your private mail to a friend when you were gone for only minutes! There was no need for him to look. Then, when sprung, he wasn't even embarrassed or apologetic? He's lucky he doesn't live with me, that's all I can say, because I would ended it right there.
Good relationships thrive on openness, but they also respect boundaries. So it's time for an "open" discussion about what you regard as the limits of your shared possessions.
In the same way that you wouldn't have a gynacological discussion with a girlfriend when your guy is in the room, you shouldn't be expected to share every aspect of your life with someone. He has to respect the fact that you two aren't the same person, or joined at the hip. Being your partner doesn't entitle him to read your mail, reorganise your closet, rewrite your CV, or discuss your sex life with his mother. He doesn't need to know what you wrote to your friend; he could just as easily have asked "Hey, what're you doing on the computer?" and I feel sure you would have told him everything he needed to know.
You need to make very sure that he understands that reading your email is beyond the limit and he may NOT do it, now or in future. Tell him in so many words. If he can't hack it, move on. The last thing you need is another needy-Neddy frantically scouring all your private mail for some hint of indescretion that he can "use" as "proof" the next time he's feeling insecure.
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reader, Matt,20 +, writes (7 July 2005):
The only thing that I will make note which is not to be very much about you is the fact that, you knew that mail was very important, Why didn't you lock your computer ? or Cutted your message ? girl, as much of fault he has, so do you, privacy and leaving it right to the eyes to see if a very different issues , am I right or wrong ? ... Both of us know the difference in between, if not, then there is a problem girl.What he did, I would also have done it, and infact I do it to my girlfriend currently, I read her messages on her cellphone, but only when It's there to be seen. But I tell her...So, Ya, over reacting can be a way to put both of you's actions, I believe you have your right as well as his, dicuss, apologize and never must happen again.Good luck,Matt,20.
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female
reader, Helen05 +, writes (6 July 2005):
Well, you weren't hiding anything about you from him, but i think your friend has a right to privacy.
To be honest, I would have had a sneaky look too, but i would have had the decency to be sheepish when caught!
Explain that you were not hiding anything from him, but you would like it if you respected the privacy of your friends. He wouldn't open a letter with your name on it so why is he reading your email?
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reader, becky05 +, writes (6 July 2005):
Youre entitled to your privacy but it was only an email. Ask him not to do it again.
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (6 July 2005):
 In a relationship, there shouldn't be any secrets but you are right, you are entitled to your own privacy even in a committed relationship.
It could be that he is insecure and this is why he firstly looked at your email and secondly turned it around to make you look as if to blame to cover his own awkwardness and guilt.
Perhaps reassuring him again that you love him and would never do anything to hurt him might help but reaffirm that you need some privacy sometimes. This isn't because you have anything to hide but what a friend may tell you by email, she may not want other people to read. Its respecting her privacy and anyone else's too.
You could also ask him how he would feel if you started reading his mail. He may well say that he has nothing to hide but Im sure he would also resent you probing into his business.
Express to him again that he has no reason not to trust you but that you won't accept him snooping at any of your private stuff.
Say to him that if he ever wishes to ask you something, that he can but that you respect being open and honest without any deceit.
I hope this helps.
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female
reader, liligray +, writes (6 July 2005):
I think you have every right to get angry, this is your privacy, and your boyfriend has invaded it. But i think that everyone likes to have a sneak about at some point, we always want to know something that we shouldn't, its human instinct! So talk to your bf and apologise for getting so angry but make him understand what upset you so much, it was after all very personal stuff.It may also be that he is feeling slightly insecure, maybe he thought you were talking to another guy? If he has any reason to doubt you, change things and reassure him. But definately dont feel bad, past is the past, move on from this
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female
reader, mamma +, writes (6 July 2005):
You are not the one in the wrong here. Your b/f only had to ask and I'm sure you would have let him see. He obviously doesn't trust you as much as you trust him. I would like to see his reaction if you did the same thing to him when he was talking to friends about personal things so I wouldn't stress over this as he is the one in the wrong.
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