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male
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anonymous
writes: How can I deal with my partner's child?I'm really struggling to cope with my partner's 10 year old son and I don't know why. This girl is the girl of my dreams; I've been attrached to her ever since we were at school and was so happy when we got together earlier this year. Because I've known her so long I know everything about her past including the fact she had a son from a previous relationship. Everything was fine to begin with but it's got to the point now where I can't stand to be in the same room with him and I'm acting like the 10 year old! It's heartbreaking because I want to be with her but don't like who I become when I'm around him. What can I do?
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female
reader, Helen05 +, writes (6 July 2005):
This woman's son is part of the package. You are the adult. Grow up and accept that this child will be jealous of you, you are taking their mum away.
Could it be that you are a bit jealous of her son? He will always be her priority and is her permanent tie to another man.
Spend time with this boy and develop your own relationship with him. Let him see that you are willing to be a part of his family. Do not let it get into a situation where she has to chose, because you do not have a chance!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2005): Your girlfriend is wasting her time in this relationship with because you are prepared to have this dislike of her son, create so much major conflict of loyalties and disharmony in her life. And guess what...if she's forced to choose between you or her son...you better start packing..because she will choose her child.
Wanting female companionship or a mate is understandable and desirable. But if you continue to be unyielding in your attitude towards her son, and unwilling to make any effort, and that will make your long-term, love relationship with her unworkable.
Some mature, understanding effort on your part to have a friendly relationship with her son is not only reasonable but to be expected. Best to accept this and work hard at liking this kid...or your behavious may turn out to be the deciding factor of whether she'll stay with you or not.
Best to seek some advice from a professional on how you can deal with this. It's unfair to the child that you dislike him...no little kid deserves that.
Good luck!
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reader, becky05 +, writes (6 July 2005):
Do you get on well with the boy? If not, you may be feeling he doesnt like you and this is causing your resentment.This is a common feeling in step-parents they may feel that their step child is 'against' them or you may feel that this boy dominates his mothers attention.try to spend time together as a group and get to know the boy better, after all, he and your partner come as a package.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (6 July 2005):
 Try to see this from the boy's point of view. Your girlfriend's son sees two things going on and he doesn't like either one. First, he sees a stranger taking the place of the man he regards as his mum's "proper" partner. Second, he has to share his mum's affections and attention with someone new.The very fact that you're so happy to be with your partner could be exacerbating the problem, because you'll be showering her with attention and love, and she'll be spending less time with her boy. Her son resents you doing that and he's doing what he can to drive you apart, even at the risk of making everyone unhappy.If you want this to last, you need to get to some family counselling with your girlfriend and the boy, so that you can understand what he's doing and why, and so you can develop some strategies for dealing with his behaviours. Even one or two sessions can really help.In the meantime, you need to back away a bit and try to get to know the child. How hard have you tried to become friends with him? Has his mother tried to "force" you two together, perhaps inadvertantly, by referring to you in some way like "a new daddy"? You and your partner are going to have to work together to lay down some family rules about who is allowed to correct and discipline her son, without you coming off as either a bully or a wimp. It's really hard, but it can be worth it if you work at it.Until you can schedule some family counselling sessions, please go out of your way to try to build a friendship with the boy. Take him with you on drives, for example. Go out walking the dog together. Do "boy" stuff, like working on computers together, or watching car races, or something else that you might have in common. You're not going to replace his dad - you both probably know that already - but you can still be a friend and a good role model, which is important too!Be strong and good luck.
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