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female
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anonymous
writes: I am in love with a married man. I have been seeing him for 3 years. It seem like I make all the effort. How can I tell him I can't do this anymore and still be friends?
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2013): I have been reading all this info hoping it will help me as two weeks ago my married lover of 9 years left me after being made redundant from a very well paid career (which helped me financially too and kept me from sinking). I have sometimes been a difficult mistress outside the bedroom as I fought to be considered by him to be more equal (instead of just his toy). It was a relationship of passion but also terrible power struggles. After a big argument where I just had been getting the feeling there might be a new lover on the horizon he asked for quiet for a day and then sent a parting text saying with his new circumstances he just felt worn out by me and was going to start making love to his wife (whom he had convinced me hated sex with him throughout the time I had known him). I feel abs terrible, I dont know if my fears are right, there is a new lover, or if I am at fault for wanting too much and have driven him back to his wife. I was so in love with him and yet so tired of the situation. I admit of late my mind had been splitting in two and I couldnt completely hide it. I was ungrateful of the extra hours he put my way between christmas and new year (two afternoons), I admit I was not what he wanted anymore I was a lot less fun than he originally signed up for. What scares me and haunts my days and nights are two things.A) the loss of my best friend and amazing lover (possibly to a new playful young thing, which eats me alive) and B) will I EVER really get over him and find a man i can truly love and be loved by? I would feel better if I could believe there was someone out there for me but I am 51, overweight now from comfort eating and mentally crushed. A married man is all the things some of the ladies have said he is. I fell for it, I feel so stupid to have had a 9 year relationship where all the love went one way and yet when i think of his eyes the last time we kissed goodbye, I feel I have lost everything. He meant everything and i am afraid my life is just over. I dont believe in God, where can i find strength? I have friends but they will only stomach so much so i have to be careful. What am i gonna do to believe in any sort of loving future?
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female
reader, jacquim  +, writes (9 February 2011):
i am in the same situation but he already left his wife 8months ago but I want to finish with him because of his lack of time he spends with me, he wont leave me alone and keeps texting phoning and turning up at my house. He wants to be friends if we split ABSOLUTELY NOT it would just be the same, and I would end up having sex with him and be no further forward
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2009): Break all times with him FOREVER... I had the no contact thing for 3 months and then he started talking to me. Doesn't work! I have to go back to no contact for life, to work on my own marriage.
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reader, Tabolabo  +, writes (29 November 2009):
If you are in love with this married guy,it would be best to break away from him totally for a period of time. Allowing your heart time to heal from the disappointment
and sorrow of the loss.CUT ALL TIES FROM HIM UNTIL YOU REGAIN YOUR STRENGTH TO STAND FIRMLY ON SAYING NO TO HIM.
If you don't , you'll fall right back in that trap and that poor choice will definitely repeat itself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2009): You just have to let him know that it is over. Set a date for your last kiss ever and stick to it. Then go out and find a replacement ASAP. Just like a normal break up, you are going to need a rebound!
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2009): Sweetheart just move on, being friends with him will just prove to him your weakness,in the end he is there to only use you. Have been in the situation.He can't love his wife and love you.It just doesn't happen.
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reader, isabellacolombo +, writes (1 May 2009):
Ladies! What the hell is wrong with us?? We deserve so much better! It’s been 4 years that I’ve been seeing my married guy. He was one of my good friend’s brothers and when we meet it innocent but then we began to become friends and the mental attraction and interaction developed and it was too late. He told me that they it was only a matter of time before he was going to divorce his wife. One of his daughter was almost 18 and that was his excuse for staying in the marriage. He constantly reassured me that his divorce was going through, court dates, prepping the house to be leased out, blah, blah, blah. He would take me shopping for engagements rings countless times. He said he wanted to move out with me so again I spent wasted days looking for places with this man. I thought what I had with this man is the REAL deal. I fooled myself to believe his words time after time because I was blinded by love. I seriously was mind f***ed. I had numerously encounters with his wife and one time the police were involved it goes on and on. Ladies, I could right a book on all the drama. The bottom line is this…I know this man loved me but his attachment to his wife was unbreakable. He lived with me for a while and then he would go home this continued for a while and meanwhile, we’d talk about a future reassuring me that we would be together. His daughter served him divorce papers at my home!! We’d go to church together!! He’d introduce me to his colleagues as his wife! He’s wife harassed me, calling me and getting into my personal information…I wouldn’t be surprised if she went through my garbage – that’s how bad it was. The list goes on and on…It’s exhausting. I tried breaking up with him so many times but neither one of us could stay away from each other.
My life has been at a standstill ever since I’ve with this man AND IT WAS MY DOING. My relationship with him consumed me to no end. I could not focus on anything. I prayed and asked God to help me and so far I’ve become stronger but please believe me when I say this – YOU CANNOT BE FRIENDS WITH YOUR MARRIED SOON TO BE EX-BOYFRIEND. It’s too tempting. The flesh is week and you will never be able to escape all the endearing qualities that made you fall in love with him in the first place. I know it’s easier said than done but for peace of mind for SANTITY…love yourself first! You are more than this relationship! You were fine before he was in your life and you’ll be fine afterwards. You are stopping yourself from meeting a wonderful man that will love you the way you need to be loved. Letting go is very difficult. I have my moments when I make the blocked phone call just to hear his voice but I’m reminded of how this individual has no conscience. That if he loved me he wouldn’t have put me through all the BS. We’ve spent so much time loving our married boyfriends that we devalued ourselves. If he loves you he will make a way for you two to be together and if he doesn’t you’ll know that you were just being USED. Life is too short. There are PLENTY of men out there who would appreciate the same passion you have invested in your AFFAIR. A passion of high risks, interest and no payoffs! Wake up ya dumb biotch…and I say that with much Love – honestly. Make YOU number one for a change and see where that gets you…..sorry for the typos but you get the picture. It just makes me angry how these men think we’re idiots – Yes, idiots. He’s playing his wife and he played you! If the roles were reversed do you think he’d put up with sharing you?? His ego would not allow it unless he’s USING YOU.
-A recovering statistic
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): There is no way to stay friends I just recently end a 5 year affair and it hurts I cry alot, but in the long run at the end of the day he is with his wife and family. He is my best friend but staying friends will only set me up for hurt. So no contact has to be the way to do things. When it comes to him I can't seperate the emotional from the phyiscal. So matter how much the freindship means to you, ending it all together is the way to do it. Good luck
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reader, special1 +, writes (17 January 2009):
You can NOT be friends with a man you've had an affair with. Believe me, I've tried and you end up back in his "oh so friendly & loving arms". You deserve to be #1 in your love's life. Why is it that we women sacrifice our dreams and lives for a man who can not or will not make a sacrificial committment to us?
I was in such a relationship for about 10 months now. I've tried to break up with him twice He says he loves us both except in different ways. Through God I've finally found the courage to do what's right. I can't believe that I let having an affair become a gray area in my life when it's so clearly wrong. I cried till no more tears came and I miss him terribly.
However, I know I deserve better. He was having his cake and eating it too & all I was getting were crumbs. Unfortunately, during our relationship he became my best friend and confidant. I am heart broken but I remind myself that the sleepless and tearful nights will subside and I will be free to give my love to a single man who is willing to give as much to me as I am willing to give to him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2008): Honey i agree with you it is very hard to be involved with a married man. But I feel that if you break it off it is best not to be friends. The reason is when you talk to him you are going to want to see him and maybe sleep with him. Then were does that leave you but right back in the same situation you just got out of. I know it's hard I have been with a married man for almost two years now and i am at the point to were all i do is cry because I want him here. And he has made it clear that if I ever leave him there is no returning. So what ever you decide I wish you the best of luck and keep your head up.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2008): i have read most of the answers here well here is my opinion it does not mean because he is married he can't love anyone else suppose he is not in love with the woman he is married to and you are his true love and he tell you all the time but you don't believe him then you are destroying him he thinks of you all the time and only you he wants he tried every thing to keep you with him when ever fights or argue what ever you call it i believe a married man can find his true love even if he is married sex is not everything in life is two people who happen to meet and fell in love and can't help it but maybe he have responsibility's and the can't run from it as the lady says he has two sons it is hard for a man to have a family and fall in love he has a battle between and family and the woman he truly loves i think if you truly believe you man loves you although he is married then stick by him he needs you maybe he might look happy but yo are all he got in this world and you are pushing him away.
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reader, highhopes +, writes (25 July 2008):
hey! Leave it alone. No you cannot be friends, there is probably a lot of sexual attraction here..mmostly thats why he is cheating. I am in a situation myself. i was extremely blind until now bemused gave me sound advice. the truth hurts. Us. He wont leave...he wont be the one to walk out. She has to be promted to push him away. What a head game for you all. It is so unhealthy. Belive me I still feel alone and I live with him his wife his 3 kids and my son!!!! Yeah...i know. My situation is a financial one although I do have a job I pay rent there he knows how much to charge where I barley have enough to save, he doesnt want to lose me ie: sidedish Do you want to be labled homewrecker? No cold turkey no friends it will be hard but for the best. I am with you on this one girl be strong. good luck. he will cheat again...and oh yes he never felt like this befor lines will take a toll!
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2008): I been reading everones answers and I really feel like i'm not alone. About a year ago i got this great job out of college. There was this really great guy who worked there and we became friends. He told me that he was single and had a child. So we ended up hanging out and about four months into the job we because serious. He tells me that he is engaged to get married and that his girl is pregant with their second child. They have been together for about 19 years. SO at this point I had already feel for the guy but I told him it was over and that he was a liar. The problem was that we worked together and I actually started liking my job. Well he didn't stop bothering me and we eventually ended up talking again. It has been a year now and we are still seeing each other. He told me that he love me and I love him so much. The complicated part is that I have had a boyfriend for the past 2 years who i'm so done with. I don't love my boyfriend I am just with him because I don't want to be alone. I really inlove with the guy at my job. I have asked if he was going to leave her and call off his engagement and he laughed at me and said that he has 2 sons to look after so he needs to be there for them so I couldn't really argue with him. But the thing that is killing me is that they are not married. He always telling me that she never spends time with the kids and he is doing everything. I'm going crazy I even thought about just being the other woman because I love him but I know he is never going to leave her. I am just waisting my time with this guy. The problem is do I quit my job or do I stay? I can't ever excape this guy if I don't quit so my plan is to leave once I find another job. Does anyone have any advice for me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2008): well i don't think that will happen after 3 years. if it does for you nice! if not hold on to the pain and most of all hold onto that feeling that you have felt being in his arms and let goooo! when your done letting go get YOU!
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2008): i know what you mean..im in the same situation hes been married for the last 15 years with a 12 year old daughter im 12 years younger than him..i love him so damn much it hurts..jealously ,hate everything for her but what i did was wrong..im just so damn lonely and he keeps telling me that im his soulmate i dont know..but the truth is i want out because i know its not gonna last and im scared,i think you should tell him that you want out..and honestly i dont think you can just be friends after that it only happens in movies..
wish you all the best ..hope u get all the love you ever dreamt of..just take care of your heart hes playing you like this guy is playing me..but we still dont get it..
lots of love to you..
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2007): He is using you as his emotional crutch. You are wasting time because if he had wanted to change his life he would have done it for himself first and foremost, facing up honestly to his "dead"marriage (if indeed it is dead)
Get out now, walk away, it hurst but you will shine through. God bless
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2007): I do not think we can turn them into our friends...
My "married lover" never promissed any future, never said he loved me, never bought me anything but was always wellcome to my house. I enjoyed being in love and enjoyed giving love to him.(At least for some time...)
Allthough he told me where he stands, I had feelings for him and have been waiting for two years for the change of his heart. I wanted him TO BECOME MY FRIEND and show some real care. Not because I hoped that he will leave his wife and marry me, but because I needed so badly to believe that he is not so bad. But it is sex and HIMSELF that he is in love with, not me.
Being in love with a coldblooded cheater is so hopeless.How much energy it takes to understand this mentality? Relationship without the real connection, emotional satisfaction or understanding?
I clearly wolunteered to be used. He does not care about me at all when he is not with me. I even think I am not his only "second woman" all this time. After two years I am physically, emotionally and financialy drained.
It is double hard to move on because there is this denial and a need to fix things before saying "goodbye". There are memories and atachement. There is this guilt and fear to be punished for ignorance and fulishness with someone else. Hopefully, part of the price for being a mistress is already paid with all those tears and anger and lonelyness and confusion all the time. Would you ever do it again? NEVER. I guess that is the beauty of life, I hope we have learned something.
Good luck to you, whatever you may decide! Be strong, you are not alone! Things will change, take care of yourself and God will take care of you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2007): I have been in a relationship with a MM for close to a year. He is great! he is rich and i have become financially dependant on him... which i guess is what he wanted he bought me a car. pays my bills, takes me shopping, pays my daughter's school fees etc... For the past 6 months we have been living together. He is with me everyday! But he is still married! he never talks about his wife but once every month he takes 6 day trips out of town to be with his family and that kills me! When he is away he switches his phone off or cuts my calls or ignores them. I am living a big fat lie! Last month he bought me a beautifull expensive house (haven't moved into the house yet...to move in next month) and a porche...yes a porche...vroom vroom. But it's still a lie. When i sit him down and tell him that i want a normal life, i want to get married and have my own family he tells me he loves me and he will never let me go. He says he will marry me, and i will be his SECOND WIFE! to which i say that is bulltish! I cannot live that kind of life, i can't be nobody's second! EVER! He has shown me he will never leave his wife and i feel i have wasted so much of my time and emotions! I have put myself in such a complicated situation, not only is it now difficult to leave him because i love him so much, but because i am used to having him arround, used to the kind of life he has shown me (e.g driving fancy cars...). END IT NOW! It will never go anywhere. I am just his entertainment, his toy! And so are you! Get rid of that cheating, lying bastard before he gets bored with you and replaces you with a newer funner version!
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2007): I've just broke up with a MM (it's the 5th time I break-up with him). I'm tired of being the second choice. We were together for a year and a half and i was the one who had quilts. I didn't contact with him because I didn't want to feel quilty all the time. He keeps on calling and sending sms to me eventhough i keep on telling him to stop. He doesn't respect anyone, not even himself. This relationship is a dead-end. I have no dreams and a life without dreams is alife full of depression. I even gave him advices on how to deal with his marriage and how to improve his relationship with his wife. Enough is enough. I have needs as well. I constantly trying to go away from this man but it's hard because he keeps on calling me. Am afraid that he's gonna call me again. Could u please give me an advice?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2007): I know whatyou meant. I'am at that point right now. I hope you've managed, as I am sure I will one day. Friends doesn't work, I feel I want to kiss him when he's around. Good thing he's not much around lately. Bad thing, I am always there when he feels like it. I used to be so happy, and now... How did I get here? I really wanted him, it was all my decisions all along, so now I can't whine about it. He actually never offer anything, and I gave everything anyway. It's kind of twisted good to know I am not the only one who has felt this way, that there is a way out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2007): Get out now while you can! I have been seeing a married man for 7 years and the pain, guilt & shame just gets worse. He has 2 kids and has said his wife hates him but he doesnt leave her because he is afraid she will take his two kids back to their "home" state, which is 8 hours away. He says he will not abandon his kids. He uses that argument every time ... you cant really argue with that point. He doesnt seem to care that I want a family. He sometimes says things like he cant stand living the way he is and that he wants to leave her. That usually keeps me around for longer, hoping he is going to leave her. We dont live in the same town, so it always seems as if I am doing all of the work for us to see eachother. It sucks. The sex was great, but about a year ago I mentioned that the only thing we seemed to do together was have sex and that if he loved me he would want to do more. He responded by shutting down and withholding sex from me. The longer I am with him, the more I realize how dysfunctional he is and how he keeps me on eggshells. He dodges calls to avoid having "the conversation." I started seeing him when I was really vulnerable and now I feel so wrapped up thatg I havent been able to get out of the relationship. I havent told anyone, so I dont have anyone to talk to. Dating a married man is very isolating. And they never leave their wives ... they are very egocentric... focused only on their needs and not yours. Get out while you can. I have spent my best years waiting for him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2007): The only way you guys can be friends is you are both willing be sexual toys with each other. It may work for awhile but the temptation to bed each other will be great. Also he may not want to be friends and either want to convince you to continue or just don't bother with you and find another woman to "be friends with."If you are lucky enough to be his friend - just note that at the back of his mind he would wonder when the next sexual encounter will be to him or after awhile he will just view you as a conquest has been. Though if you are luckier and he is ok with being friends with you just be aware that his wife will eventually find out somehow and it will be a bigger mess. Why would you want to be friends with a MM as his loyalty to start with is not much and you think he's going truly respect you after he had you? MM are only good for taking things that he has since he takes whatever you have when he wants it regardless of how he feels. Unless he has something over you that you think being friends after the break up.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2007): Girl i feel were u are coming from! i've been talking to this guy for eight month we've like each other since 4 ever he been married 4 three years he has been with her for seven they have three kids together now mind u this man is married but he go to sleep with me wake up with tell me he luv me he in luv with me all this sometime he go over to see his kids but during some point of time while he was suppose to be seeing his kids he cheated on me and i tried to leave a couple times but he begged and pleaded please dont leave me i need u dont break my heart a couple days went by now he talking bout he not sure if this were he wanna be girl look a man gon be a man hurt him like he hurt u in the end if he luv u like he say he'll be back with out her and with some divorce papers
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2007): I too was in this situation and ended it a week ago. I was with a married man for a year and four months. I did not know he was married when I got involved, and I lost my virginity to him at age 27. I thought he was the one that I had waited for.
The truth is, the guilt of what I was doing has been a hard burden to bear. He has three children. He said his marriage was dead and that he had already decided to leave. He said he was waiting for a time to minimize the damage to his children.
Sadly, this doesn't minimize the damage to me. I finally got up the courage (which I never thought I would have) and ended it. I told him to come back if he got his life together, but until then, I wouldn't continue to settle for the scraps of time.
He called and emailed for days, pleading with me through wracking sobs. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
If I had it to do over again, I would never have. I still love him, but love doesn't erase the pain he put me through by being so selfish. I didn't want to lose my youth waiting either.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2007): do not continue it. i had a relationship with a mm for 15 years. wasted all that time with him. it was on and off for those years but when we were together we were deeply passionate. it has taken me two years to get over him and i still am not. i recently found out he has prostrate cancer and i called him and left him a message. i was very upset on the phone and probably said things that i shouldn't have. i only can suspect that his wife heard it. he will not look or speak to me. nevertheless, i never wanted it to end that way and my therapy still continues. do not do it. i wasted the best years of my life and still feel useless.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2007): I was dating a married guy who is 16 years older then me. He has been married for 20 some years.....he's old 46 though...I'm 30. We didn;t mean to fall in love with one another....it just happened...with a smile and a kiss that I didn't turn away. It was just supposed to be a fling...but became something more very quickly...and we said that he loved me. He always refered to home as being something different then I imagined...telling me all the time 'in my present situation I can't do that', I took that, looking back, as a reason of hope...thinkng that he loved me. After being with him for a year I became preg. it was horrible.....the decision what to do was just overwhelming....after having three days to decide...and after he told me that he couldn't do that to his wife after being with her for so long...and then other things that he said....I found myself at a clinic making the worst mistake of my life.....if I ever get in that situation again, I will be selfish and have the baby, with or without the father....I was just scared. To make a long story short....I put so much pressure on him that he finally told her, or so he says. I called the house twice...first I just hung up and the second time I just asked if she was his husband....but my next call to her will be to say that I'm sorry. And it will also give her the chance to find out the truth.....and she deserves to know, if it was my husband, I would want to know. we broke up....but that was because of me, I didn;t handle the abortion...and feel guilty and feel like my life is over....he is in therapy...and I think he's trying to fix his marriage....the things is that I believed him....and I wanted to think that he loved me....but looking back...it was all about him....all about him and his selfishness.....he didn;t even think about me....Right now I'm still in the mad and hurt state......My advise to other is just don;t do it.....don;t get involved.....guys only think of themselves.....and until we start to realize this we won;t be able to understand them. Although I love him and care greatly about him.....I need to somehow find away to let him go because having him in my heart does nothing but hurt me.....and I can't hold one to something that I never had from the begining......i don;t want to be second anymore......But I have to make the pain side go away too. He wants to be friends, but it seems to again be on his terms....I'm trying to break things completely...right now it;s just talking every once in a while.....but I know that has to stop too.......But how to make the pain inside stop hurting.....BTW, he doesn;t have kids.....was told that he could have them...so was I.....and then I had a blessing happen...and I destroyed it....he didn;t see it as a sign that we were meant for one another......I'm so completely hurt and can;t stop crying about all of this......there is more to the story...but I'll stop now.....Just walk away.....and hopefully the pain will fade with time......just don't make the same mistake again.....
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2007): I recently broke up with my married guy. We had been involved for about two years. I waited and waited for him to finally decide to leave his wife, but he claimed he couldn't leave because of their daughter.
I am hurting very badly, but I feel this will be for the better. I got tired of coming in second. We all deserve to be loved completely 100 percent.
Leave him. I can't say it won't be painful, but life goes on. I miss him terribly, but it's better to stay away. Staying friends wouldn't work.... temptation is a bitch.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do. But please do think of yourself first. You deserve so much more than this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2007): Honey get moving! I dated a married man for ten years (off and on) it was great sex, sweet words and I got to watch him pack up after our get away weekemds to go home to the wife and kids.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2006): How can you be friends? What you mean to say is that you are tired of being second rate but still want his love and approval.
Three years invested and for what? Nothing.
He isn't even a friend and I wouldn't even call him a reliable anything...maybe his penis is. *shrugs*
Sweetie...you don't need him. You shouldn't want him.
Get some counselling to figure out why you would put yourself in a going nowhere relationship and learn from this mess.
Get strong. Get smart. Love and respect yourself.
Best Wishes.
*hugs*
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2006): You I am in the same situation am with a married man for 3 years and it not fun been a mistress it not good for a while you think you could deal with this but as time goes by you start to think what am i doing. That me i am starting to feel like that because he says wait for me am not in love with her i am waiting for her to realize that we don't belong together and you wait because you are in love with him but you get tierd and know i dont know how to end it i really want to move on be with someone that it mine that love me and only me that we dont have to hide to do anyhting. help i really need help to get rid off this men i love him but i can't do this anymore.
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reader, vola +, writes (9 November 2006):
I have been in an affair with a married man for six years. He ended it in July (severe guilt) and now calls me (November) and wants to be friends. Its an impossible situation. We were never "friends" - we were first and foremost lovers then great friends. Its impossible to try and be friends with someone whose clothes you still want to rip off. I think the higher ground is the only one to take - no contact, no friendship. It's over. It is not easy though!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2006): I just ended a ten and a half year affair with a married man who was my law professor. His wife is so blind. She need only look at one cell phone bill to see how conneted we were. But that connection was not enough for me. I waited too long to get out. I am now 10 years older, and have nothing to support me as I go through the horrible pain of life without him. He has stolen my youth, and my life. He will be fine with his two children and their mother. He always claimed that he loved me, and not her, but he could not leave his children. Run away. Don't waste anymore time with him. These men are self centered bastards. He will never leave her, and even if he does, he will resent you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2006): I just ended a ten and a half year affair with a married man who was my law professor. His wife is so blind. She need only look at one cell phone bill to see how conneted we were. But that connection was not enough for me. I waited too long to get out. I am now 10 years older, and have nothing to support me as I go through the horrible pain of life without him. He has stolen my youth, and my life. He will be fine with his two children and their mother. He always claimed that he loved me, and not her, but he could not leave his children. Run away. Don't waste anymore time with him. These men are self centered bastards. He will never leave her, and even if he does, he will resent you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2006): I'm in the same situation, I've been dating this guy for 2 and a half years and think he's absolutely fabulous and sexy. The only problem is, yes, he's married. I don't know what to do either. But I read somewhere that if you put yourself in the position of the married woman, regardless of whether their marriage is a positive or negative one, and try to feel what this woman is feeling either through a woman's intuition, that her husband is cheating or her husband telling her he's been cheating. Imagine the embarrassment, hurt, and anger. And then maybe we can gain a good concept of what we are doing. I don't think the majority of "us" that hook up with a married man do it intentionally. At least I didn't. And if you are like me, lol, the guilt alone will kill you. Leave him alone. Don't try to stay friends. If you love him, friendship will definitely be too hard. Just try to remain single and when you're lonely, call him a single girlfriend, watch an excellent movie or read a good book. I think I'm going to take my own advice also, lol.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2006): just stop making the effort and see what sort of effort he puts into it. i honestly think you cannot remain friends as nice it seems it would be it might be hard to do and stop you froming finding a uy that is avaiable
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2006): I am in the same situation. I too need help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2006): I was involved with my boss who is married for only 1 year (thank goodness). His wife suspected us and then he pushed me to the side so fast. He strung me along for 2 more months telling me we would be together again someday-I think he wanted me to wait and just be his whore. I finally got the confidence up and broke up with him. It is hard because I work very close with him. I definately believe we have no respect for ourselves choosing a disgusting married man who would cheat on his wife and children. I read alot of self help books and this is the only reason I was able to break away. It hurts everyone involved. I will probably see his wife sometime and shame on me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2005): Is your self esteem so low that you are willing to accept seconds instead of finding a man who is committed only to you? If women would quit being willing to have affairs with married men, then there would be a lot less affairs going on, and a lot of married men who would have to work on their marriages instead of escaping into meaningless affairs that destroy their familes.
I feel badly for the women who fall in love with married men before they find out they are married. But if they know a guy is married and still get into a relationship with him, then yes, they own 1/2 the blame. And if they are a woman who entices a married man into an affair for whatever reason, then I say "Shame on them."
Not sure how your affair stared with this married guy, but girl, it's time to "kick him to the curb". If you ar emaking ALL the efforts..then stop that now. It's needy and it's clingy. Get your self-respect back..leave him alone because obviously he's busy with his family and has no intention of offering you a future. Let him go..withdraw and lick your wounds. In time, you'll get over the grief and heartbreak and you will gain your self-respect back again. Live life well and for goodness sakes..leave the married guy's alone! Find someone who loves you in the same way you will love them...that will be your only way to find true happiness. Good luck
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reader, pinksoftkitten +, writes (12 July 2005):
why would you want to remain friends with this man?? You must look at this in the cold light of day!! He has betrayed the ones nearest and dearest to him, put himself above all others, thought only of his own needs, without considering anyone else, not even you. He's a liar, a cheat, and a extremely selfish individual. There is no excuse for what he has done, but well done to you for breaking free. You cannot maintain a friendship once an affair with a married man has gone sour, because you are not what he wants anymore. He wanted an affair, not another friend!! Take care of yourself.
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reader, Helen05 +, writes (6 July 2005):
I don't think being friends is possible. Boundaries have already been blurred by the fact that he is married, do you really think that you will both respect the boundaries of friendship?
This man has been stringing you along for three years and its no fun being a mistress. Make the break and find someone that will give you the whole of their heart and time.
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reader, becky05 +, writes (6 July 2005):
Tell him you cant see him anymore because hes married. Make a clean break and dont remain friends.
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (6 July 2005):
 With difficulty I would say.
If you have been making all the effort, he has been having his cake and eaten it basically.
Three years is a long time to be with someone and he has got well used to the state of play.
I would hate to think how his wife would feel if she found out or if she actually knows but if you want to finish it with him, a clean break would be better.
Tell him that you've had enough and that you aren't prepared to invest anymore in this relationship.
As for remaining friends, I think this would be unlikely and I'm not sure he would be agreeable with the idea.
Go out and find someone unattached who is prepared to make the effort in a relationship.
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