A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating this guy for about 3 months. We really like each other a lot. He has a son with another woman and I know that I can't compete with that, but here's the problem. He says that he is tryin to get along with her so that he doesn't have to pay child support because he can't afford it. I think that this is so stupid. He does everything to try to please her. He spends nights at her house (to be with his son) so he says and he also says that they are not sexual, but she still thinks that they go together and I think that we are together. Well I called him last night kinda late he said that he would be at home but he was at her house. She told him to leave and that she would put him up for child support. Well now he is all shook up about it and in the process he has forgotten my feelings. He called me this morning to say that he dopped his son off at daycare and that he would call me back I haven't heard from him. Do I just let go or what? I am so angry right now.
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female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (9 March 2010):
 I agree completely with dorothy. I don't know how it could be taken any other way. This bullcrap about trying to make peace with his ex in hopes she will pay child support for him... it's bullcrap. He is sleeping over at her house and ignoring you. He is telling you he will be home but is at her house. What the hell does sleeping at her house have anything to do with keeping the peace...? He can't be nice at other times? He needs to sleep over too? None of it makes any sense and it seems quite obvious what is going on. He has both of you and is telling you reasons and excuses while he is with, or trying to get back with, his ex. Dump his ass, he's a loser regardless of why he is in this situation.
A
female
reader, dorothy2342 +, writes (9 March 2010):
 Quote: "He says that he is tryin to get along with her so that he doesn't have to pay child support because he can't afford it." Everyone is assuming that what he told you is the truth. It could be no more than a lie he is telling you in order to continue with his relationship with his ex and keep you in the game at the same time, and it worked, you don't think they are in a sexual relationship. Why do you think she is letting him sleep over? I personally don't believe him. I think he wants you both, just like a married man having an affair. Lying to you both.
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A
female
reader, Share Bear  +, writes (8 March 2010):
 His behaviour tells you all you need to know about why you do NOT want to stay with this man.
He's not putting his child before you- he's putting dodging supporting his child ahead of seeing you. He's actually spending time with that child, seeing him grow, watching his ex struggling to cope financially, and STILL not feeling enough remorse to make him start to contribute.
Irrelevant of timing- I think that you should run a mile from a man who spends time with his own child chiefly to avoid having to support him.
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A
female
reader, dorothy2342 +, writes (8 March 2010):
I have to agree with the others. You are not and can not be his priority at this time in his life. Cut your losses and find someone that can devote themselves strickly to you. You will only get hurt worse if you try to compete with his ex and his son. You should never has started a relationship with someone who is otherwise involved. No matter his reason for playing nice with his ex, he should try to cement his relationship with his son's mother for the benefit of his son. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2010): Hi! - I am having the exact same problem! - I am with a man I truly love but he can't seem to tear himself away from the ex because of the child! - Whenever I challenge him - he says its because he wants a peaceful life for both his ex and the son!!
To be honest - I think these kind of men want to have their cake AND eat it at the same time! - Depending on how much you love him - you will stick by him - but follow your gut instincts as there may be alterior motives why he is wanting to spend the night at her house! - My guy does that too and I am sure there is more to it than keeping the peace!!
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (8 March 2010):
Hell yes leave him. A man who won't pay for the child he created isn't a man.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2010): Yes, this is not only a case of bad timing for the two of you, but I think he is being extremely dishonest with you and with her.
First off, he can't get out of paying child support, he is the father of this child and if he wants to stay a deadbeat in a dead end job so that he can avoid paying child support then that kind of makes him a loser.
He is sleeping with and carrying on their sexual relationship. That is so obvious, I don't know why you would believe otherwise. There is no sane reason that he should be over there spending the night "for his son". His son will be confused at the very least as to whether or not mommy and daddy are together and they are an exclusive family unit.
He is playing both sides of the fence for some reason. Perhaps he is still torn as to whether or not he wants to leave the child's mother or whether or not they could make it work as a family.
What ever the truth is the bottom line is this is not healthy or fair for you.
You can choose to be his support person or friend, but personally I wouldn't. If you have deeper feelings for this guy, don't settle for this backhanded treatment. Get your energy out of there and leave them to their own problems to figure out.
He has much too much baggage to be in a relationship with anyone right now.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (8 March 2010):
"I prefer to manipulate and hurt a woman rather than do the right thing and help raise a son I created."
Is this utter utter loser honestly the best you think you can do?
Do yourself a favour and let him go.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, gatorgirl0307 +, writes (8 March 2010):
 In my opinion, you should never begin a behavior that you do not what to continue. If he feels that he still needs to sleep in the home of his ex wife, he is not in a position to start another relationship, as he has not resolved this one.
To answer your question, I would certainly move on. He is not available in any sense.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (8 March 2010):
 You hooked up with him too soon. Tell him to look you up once he gets his life together. Too many loose strings here. You are liable to get yourself one big fat heartache if you get involved with him at this point.
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