A
female
age
41-50,
*ll4MyLove
writes:We have 4 kids and my husband wants to leave me :'(I am not looking for people to tell me he is not worth it so please just don't. I have heard it enough times and maybe it is true but I think he is.He sais he still loves me , but he wants to be single. He wants the freedom to do what he wants when he wants. I keep asking him what I did wrong and he sais nothing. He knows I will do anything for him but he doesn't care. We have been married for almost 11 years. Married young and neither of us lived the bachelor stage.I have put up with so much from him and we have been through so many hard things before , this is just not like him at all and makes no sense. About a week before he left he told me I would never have to be afraid of him leaving me. (he is 29 , not a midlife crisis.I do think he is depressed but he refuses to see any type of Dr)There was no argument to set this off. We get along like best friends and honestly only argued about once a year.One day he went to work and didn't come home. Over that week was different excuses with him coming home for only a few min at a time and a couple overnights. The next week he said he needed time apart to fix our marriage. The week after that he said he didn't want to fix our marriage but was spending more time at home. The week after that he said he was with another woman and I started getting text from her insulting me and telling me to leave him alone and he didn't talk to me much for a few days. Then last week said it had nothing to do with her she was just fun for the moment and started spending more time at home again , except brought his friend with him so we never got a chance to talk even though they stayed 3 days/2 nights.It can be like talking to a different person from one day to the next.Even in a 10 minute span he will say maybe we can try again in a couple months. Then I say will you come home by July and he sais probably not. I want to say that I will wait no matter how long it takes , but I can't stand the indefinate. I want a date to look forward to. We had originally set the date as May 3rd but that was one of the days the other woman was texting me , and he was answering very few text. He aparently didn't know she was texting me at all and when I told him the next day he said he would make sure it wouldn't happen again and it hasn't.He was never the perfect husband but I was happy , I felt so lucky to have him.He is the alpha male. No matter which group of friends we were with they all listened to him.Most of our female friends wanted him but he was mine.Heck the men wanted me too but I chalk that up to them being single , its no where near as good as the feeling of knowing I have what the female friends want. Yes we talked openly about this so I am not just guessing.Acting like I am over him and "closing one door to open another" will not work on him. If I close that door he will not pursue me and that is not what I want. If he comes home , he will more than likely just come home and not leave. He won't apologize or admit he ever did anything wrong. It will just be expected to be forgotten.Has anyone else ever been through something like this ? Is this feeling of needing freedom so strong that you can go about your day without a care for how much it hurts others or if it against something you have believed strongly in the past? (he has always been very negative about fathers leaving their family)Still , my baby is growing out of some of her things and I don't want to let go of my favorites. I still wanted to have more babies even though she will more than likely be the last one. Even if I did find a nice guy willing to take on a mother with 4 kids and no income.... how can I get past thinking he would be "less" than my husband due to his alpha status. I have never met another man with such a "command" to him.
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female
reader, All4MyLove +, writes (14 May 2009):
All4MyLove is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe never had enough income to put some aside just in case like you always hear people say.
Up until today basically he was paying the bills and supporting us , but around the time the other woman was texting me he said he was going to change his pay so it didn't direct deposit into my account anymore.
I talked him into putting it into his account which I can access online instead of making a new account so that on his payday I can log on and pay his share of the credit cards and transfer some cash into my own account.
This is going to leave him with very little money. He is not going to be able to live anywhere unless he can live there for free because he will only have around 400-500 left.
I have applied for Welfare and waiting on a return phone call to make an appointment..
As for Beta men..
Yea , you are being an asshole but bluntly honest is good too.
You are not exactly right...
I don't want to raise my children alone....I don't want to be alone at all. I can't stand it.
He is not even neccessairly sexier or better in bed.I never said anything about that.
I don't know that I would call it abuse but you aren't the first to say it either. I know I deserve to be happy too but how can I be happy alone.
Anytime I felt down about myself or felt I wasn't good enough for something he was the one that told me I was perfect , and taught me not to worry about what anyone thinks but me.
I am trying hard to be 100% for my kids but it is hard. I have trouble with the thought of seeing him for who he is because who he is being right now , is not who he really is.
We have been married for 11 years in July , have known each other for 14 years and he was my step brothers best friend for 20 years. None of this is normal for him.
He is saying he doesn't deserve me !
I can't just get a babysitter and go out for a few days. The baby is only 5 months and breastfed.
I know I should be putting my foot down , but I am not prepared for that..
The kids somewhat know that he is not living here and that when he comes it is to visit but they miss him too even though he has been coming over for a while at least every other day to see them.
A
female
reader, kellyxxx  +, writes (14 May 2009):
Once someones mind is made up it is very hard to change it. You need to arrange your life and if he comes back then that's a bonus if he doesn't then you need to start preparing now! Get a grip of this lifestyle change now!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2009): I'm a Beta man. I really can't muster up any sympathy for you. I'm gonna be an asshole here. But I'm just being bluntly honest.
You would obviously rather be raising this Alpha's children alone than submit yourself to the indignity of a decent marriage and family with a mere Beta man. That's your choice, you made this bed, now it's time to sleep in it. What else is there to say?
You've already gotten all the upsides of this guy for years. Feeling so special because of him, feel like you've got a guy that all your friends are jealous of, having someone who you think is so much sexier than most guys, having his children, etc. Your girl friends didn't get any of that. And the Beta men like me never got to have you.
But now the downsides of your choice are showing up. And you don't wanna pay the piper for the great honor of having this guy. Well that's life.
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A
female
reader, bellaaddison  +, writes (14 May 2009):
You stated in your first paragraph that you don't want to hear that he's not worth it, so I'll respect your wishes and not say it. HOWEVER, have you stopped to think about what YOU are worth?
No one can do anything to you that you don't give them permission to do so as long as you continue to allow the door to your home to be a revolving one, you will continue to see him walk in and out of it. Get used to it.
There's nothing wrong with him, so to speak, he's got you and whatever else it is that comes along and sparks his interest. He's got it made. And you're allowing it to happen, TO YOU.
I don't know what you thought you could find on here, because I don't think you'll find many people who will support your decision to abuse yourself AND your children and the harsh reality is THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE DOING. Your husband is taking advantage of you, holding your emotions hostage, depleting you of any self respect, and destroying your self image... Doesn't leave you with much left over for yourself or your children does it? He should be ashamed of himself and you should see him for who he is.
It won't be long before your children start asking questions... try this one on for size, "Mommy, what the hell are you doing letting daddy treat us this way???" Hope you've got an answer for them... Oh wait, I guess the answer would be, "he's worth it..."
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A
female
reader, misswalston +, writes (14 May 2009):
 Ok, I won't tell you he is not worth it, but come on now, he has some serious shit going on with him!!!!!! It seems like you both were pretty young when you got married, so he probably feels very overwhelmed in his relationship with you. Do you realize that while he is going back and forth that you are just sitting around being absolutely miserable. Why would you do this to yourself, girl, you need to get out there and do a little "soul searching of your own". He will continue this especially when he knows that you are not going anywhere. And as far as that chick texting you, that is an absolute NO NO!!!!!!Get your but up out of that house, go out with your friends, get a babysitter and you find somewhere to go for a few days!!!! Watch how those tables turn and you might just realize (hopefully) that you don't deserve this type of treatment. He either stays or he goes, but you need to take a stand and not make it convenient for the door to be a revolving one.....Good luck and please let me know what happens......
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A
female
reader, summerslady21 +, writes (14 May 2009):
My ex husband did the same thing! Came home just to get a few changes of clothes and was gone for a few days. We had two beautiful little girls! So him coming home on occasion was like his time to say hi to our girls. I guess! About two months after he did leave he vme back telling me that he and hi female friend were having problems so he thought he would try to fix our marriage! But his lady friend would call and text. Then one day he looked at me and said she was pregnant and they worked out their problems. Yes our marriage was good then he was doing this and started beating me! I too felt that no one could be as good of a man as he but I am engaged have three kids bought our first home me and my children are loved unconditionaly we are not beat hurt or walked out on. This is the rue meaning of a man. And believe me other females want him because they see how great he treats us and what he provides us with!! No you are not alone. You can only be hurt and used so long honey then the game will start to get old. You have to do what's best for you and your children! Being a mother you will find it in your heart to do what is right. Do you want your children to see daddy run off for days at time then to return and do it shortly after? You have to be strong and put your foot down about it. Tell him either he will be home and be faithful or he will walk out never to look back again and that means for good. Give him a choice to make! Be firm strong and stand up for you and your babies! Good luck I hope I helped alittle! Please keep me posted only because I have been where you are now.
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A
female
reader, Orissa  +, writes (14 May 2009):
You cannot look back if you want to help yourself. Whatever your husband is like, however good you think he is, he has cheated on you, and the only reason he would want time apart is because he 'wants' time apart more than he wants you and your family. Give him what he asks. If he comes back, make sure it's for keeps. If he leaves, then you need to lick your wounds and move on. I know it's very very hard but I've been here. There is no other way. Men know what they want and they will always say it or let you know it through their actions.
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