A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, about 8 months ago I found out that my boyfriend of 3 yrs has been txting dirty messages to at least 3 girls, one of which I know. I found this out just after we had purchased a house together, so decided to forgive him and try and move on. He has always watched porn like most guys do, but he has started watching live videos and i suspect talking to girls online, and now I hve jut found out that he signed up to to dating websites earlier last year, stating on his profile that he was looking for fun.I accept that guys watch porn, but I have my boundaries.Im completely heart broken, it really took everything for me to forgive him for the texting but the porn makes me feel sick and the thought of him talking to other girls in that manor is unbearable! I have no trust for him anymore. I moved a long way from my family and friends to live with him, I dont know what to do now as we have the house, ive tried confronting him but he just says he doesnt mean to hurt me and doesnt know why he does it, but thats not enough for me. Should I give him another chance? Am I overeacting? Should I end it or take a break from him? Help please, i really dont know what I should do.
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a break, move on, porn, talking to girls, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): Hi everyone, thank you all so much for advice. A lot of you are saying simular things, that i should leave him, but im really struggling with this idea because of our home and the money involved in selling it, money I dont have, also there would be no turning back, its more than me leaving him, its our home and my life. Im not sure if i can face it. And although he has hurt me, I love him and hes my bestfriend. Is there no way of solving this? Or is he just who he is? I thought about taking a break from him, but i have nowhere to go, I have my job and uni that i cant take time out from, and If i asked him to leave i dont think he would. Any ideas?
A
female
reader, gemerson@85  +, writes (15 January 2011):
oh i went through it all with my ex and the only thing for your sanity is to GET OUT NOW hes nothing more than a dirt bag n you deserve more,and you will never be happy my bf only looked at porn and i got rid
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2011): lol @ love me, love my dating site. very funny that ,but what isn't so funny is that it is very true, if you get what it means. don't allow him to make a fool of you because he isn't worthy of your tears. don't even discuss it, because he will talk shit. all you have to say is you had your chance, and know why i am gone and don't even say anything else. leave him and his dating sites live happy together forever.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2011): You are not overreacting and you sound like you've done everything you could possibly do.
I suspect you are making excuses to stay with him because of the investment in the house and because you want to justify your moving out to stay with him in the first place...not because you genuinley care about him.
Admit that this was an unfortunate mistake. Cut your losses now. Hire a lawyer to sort out the house payments if you have to. Move on, life is too short.
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A
female
reader, comeonjesusthishurtstoomuch  +, writes (15 January 2011):
 walk away and find someone who loves and respects you or stay and be hurt repeatedly by someone who doesn't care enough to stop hmm it's a tough one didn't mean to be icy but wanted you to see the picture without the rose colored glasses you can do better if you share in ownership of the house have him buy that half if you are in lease talk to the landlord about finding a replacement tenant but run and run fast life is so short young lady please listen to your heart do you want it to always break while your hoping that someday he will change all the while your pride and self esteem fading that's not what you want even if it were a mansion it wouldn't be worth your happiness ask yourself this when you have a daughter would you want her to have a man who cheats not only physically but in his heart making her feel like she isn't enough? We both know that you don't move back around your family and friends where your roots are you will find that man who doesn't need to lust and fantasize about others that will be all for you that man that would move mountains not to hurt you he's out there but if you stick around this one soon you will be messed up inside from it and it will ruin your life please listen don't settle for this
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A
male
reader, lakie +, writes (15 January 2011):
 hey it sucks my ex tried to give me a few chances but we got a lil babigurl on the way soo its hard as hell an painful to deal with a breakup and im scared as hell to and maybe he does need a chance agian
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2011): Hell no don't forgive him and don't go back to him I've been goin through the same thing with my fiancé and he hasn't changed in the past two years! He's not gonna stop! He'll never know why he does the things he does to hurt u but not yet he'll keep doin it and expecting u to take him bak which he knows u will! So leve run while u can before its to late! Because the longer u stay the longer it fucks up ur self esteem it may not be doin it now but sooner or later your gonna want to kno what's wrong with u and why he can't juz be satified with u! But trust nothing is wrong with you he's juz an ass
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2011): NEVER trust this man! Trust ME, you never will again. Run for the hills! No explanations or big dramatic scenes nessacary. Bolt in the night! Seriously. This man doesn't deserve even the slightest nod of acknowledgement from you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2011): If you love someone you dont do them things. Not because you could be caught,or lose the one you want,but because you would not want to hurt the one you love as it would hurt you too. He isnt concerned about hurting you as he wants fun. I have had first hand experience at what you are going through. I am convinced that it wont stop,his profiles will be hidden better with different date of birth, city of residence etc. You will forget and somehow it throws itself right in your face in a way you dont expect. Your next step is losing confidence,believing you deserve it. Once that person lies,knowing that you have seen it,or blames you for driving them to it,you then have your confirmation that its going nowhere. (Not even got the respect to end it with you). You need to get away because this crap is tormenting,selfish and cruel. Love me love my dating site.
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A
female
reader, AuntyMaur  +, writes (15 January 2011):
 Betrayal wether mental or physical is a difficult emotion to work through.
What your boyfriend is doing is unacceptable.
Once trust has been broken in a relationhip it can take years to mend and often it can never be restored. Like a bird with a broken wing once broken it never heals the same.
Your boyfriend knows his action are upsetting you yet he continues to disrespect your values and boundries.
I know you have a committment with the house but where is the committment to the relationship? Sit him down 1 more time and express your concerns. Should nothing change I would leave or ask him to. Everyone deserves to be loved for whom they are, for everything they offer in and out of the bedroom. He is not even your friend because he does not seem to repsect you as a person otherwise he would stop what he is doing immediately, and treasure your realtionship. Dont sell yourself short, you deserve everything a full and loving relationship has to offer. Posessions are just things that can be replaced, your life is not a dress rehersal, you have 1 shot at it, if something is broken fix it or if unable to then its time to move on, time to improve your quality of life. Noone is worth scarficing yourself worth for. Take care I know its not easy to take a step to better your life but you can do it, one day you will look back and say- glad I left that selfish man.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (15 January 2011):
 No! You should NOT give him another chance! Move back to your home town and or put the house you and he now have on the market or rent it out. When/if sold, you are entitled to receive some of the proceeds from the sale.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (15 January 2011):
 No, I think you've given this guy plenty of chances and he seems to be more interested in chasing other girls than being with you. Hate to break it to you.Sadly, you've gotten yourself into quite a predicament with this guy -- you bought a house together, so now you are legally bound and he won't be so easy to ditch.But the bottom line is though, that this guy is bad news for you. Maybe down the road he'll have learned his lesson, but during the "courting" process (before marriage) each person should be treating each other with the best intentions and actions. I can't imagine what this guy will be like if / when you marry him and the "new" has worn out.You probably should read "10 stupid things woman do to mess up their lives" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger so you can spot these guys sooner, rather than later.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (15 January 2011):
 No you are not over reacting what so ever. Everything he is doing is wrong ok yes guys do watch porn that is accepted but to go on to live websites, sign up to dating websites looking for fun and texting other girls is just way out of line. He is taking you for granted and i think he feels because you forgave him once you will continue to do that. Ok so he may not have cheated physically but he has emotionally and mentally and that hurts just as much.
I cant tell you what to do the decision has to be yours and what you feel is right. But i will say something dont forgive him and move on because he will only continue to walk all over you. I think it might be the best option to take a break from him. Tell him you need space and ask him will he leave if he doesnt then tell him you are going to leave. Maybe go up to your parents and friends again for a few weeks having familiar faces around you will help and will give you someone to talk to. Take your time and think things out, while you are doing this tell him not to contact you. Maybe then he will realise what he is losing out on and wake up to what he is doing.
I think he needs a scare to show him just what he will be losing after your break if you decide you want to give things another go let him do all the hard work. He needs to work hard to prove that he wants you back and to earn his trust back.
Goodluck in teh future no matter what you decide.
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A
male
reader, CJH +, writes (15 January 2011):
 Once the trust has gone, everything else seems to crumble away.
The guy is on dating sites and chatting to other women, this isnt about him hurting you, its about him having no morals or respect for you.
In short, you do need to end this and move on.
Speak to a solicitor about the house and how you go about carving it up. Dont give him another chance, youve done that already and look where its got you?
Sorry to be so blunt but, from an outside perspective, in black and white, the way forwards for you is crystal clear to me.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2011): When at a crossroads in a relationship, let the other person's actions show their true intent.
Talk is cheap.
When he backs his words with action only then would I consider giving him a break.
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