A
female
age
41-50,
*oyalty1
writes:I have been married for 8 years and the last 3 years have been awful. My husband is on drugs and I have found several female numbers in his phone, on one occasion I caught him in my vehicle with a female. I have been with this man 14 years all together and could not see beyond him and my kids and wanting to make my marriage work to maintain my family I have accepted a lot and also beg this man to change his ways and focus on me and his family, but he refuse to. Well now my kids are teens and are doing their own thing and I have started to pull away from my husband and hang with friends more. About 6 months ago I met this guy whom is also married but he and his wife have not lived together for 2 years. This guy is so good to me he makes me feel like I am his number one priority, he wines me , dines me and well the chemistry is very strong. I never thought I could fall in love with another man, but I guess I was wrong because i'm in deep. My husband, now that the tables have turned wants to be affectionate, concerned and loving but my feelings towards him have become cold. Is it because I have been with the same guy for 14 years which is half my life that I feel I have missed out on a lot in life (happiness) to be frank. Is it because this married man has made me feel like I am in high school all over again that I am more happier than ever? I have started going more than I have in 14 years and it feels great! Everyone notices the difference, but my love is married and so am I. Why is it that the married guys tend to know what you want and need as well as what you are lacking at home! Should I let nature take it course and ride the wave til I see what will become of this relationship that has developed outside of my marriage, should I just persue my happiness at all cost?, or should I stay in a marriage that has been dead for a few years. Why is it that once you decide to move on why do the man always want to change and act right, but the whole time I was begging and pleading before someone else entered the picture he would not even consider it?
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female
reader, PatientlyWaiting1 +, writes (15 January 2011):
Why isn't he living with his wife? Does he also want the relationship to work between you two? Your husband is suffering from "don't know what you got til it's gone," syndrome. But this new man makes you happy. Very sticky situation. I say for now be patient and move slowly. Eventually the two of you will have to talk about what will become of your relationship together and the relationship each of you have with your spouses. I truly hope you find happiness. Just be cautious.
A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (15 January 2011):
 If you "decide to ride the wave and let nature take its course" what will most likely happen is that you will be happy with this infatuation for a few months - until the man refuses to divorce his wife - and you'll still be stuck in a miserable marriage, while knowing you have (nearly) stooped to your husband's level.
Yes, your husband has behaved atrociously, no question about it. Unfortunately, that does not give you a licence to cheat on him.
I realize you are not wishing to betray your marriage vows to get revenge, but rather are seeing how much better your life could be (IF this other man were not married, and you were divorced also), but the reality is that he is and you are.
You have a choice now: to give up seeing the other man and try to make a go of it with your husband, perhaps get some joint marital counseling. However, if you feel that's not possible you'll need to give thought to a separation and eventual divorce.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2011): If you are too much in love with each other, GET YOUR DIVORCES DONE. If neither of you are willing to make the move needed, then you are just fooling around with each other and with your spouses.
The fact that your husband is on drugs and a cheater doesn't give you any right or justification as to do that yourself. As I'm telling, if this married guy loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you, he can divorce his distant wife and get it on with you. You can be doing the same regardless he divorces or not. Not to be with him, but to get out of an unhappy marriage as you say.
Good Luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2011): I'm married, and I know the answer to that question.
"Why is it that the married guys tend to know what you want and need as well as what you are lacking at home!"
Because you tell them...really, that is what happens. It isn't just what married guys can do, it is what married women and men do when they have an affair.
They let their affair partners know what they want that they aren't getting at home, regardless of the reasons why.
But, if they marry that person, then they have a marriage again.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2011): You may be more happy than you have even been in the last 14 years, but you are still NOT in control of your life.
You spend 14 years with a man who is either on drugs or overtly flaunting other females in front of you - yet you have tried to maintain a relationship of sorts with this man. I won't ask why, as I know why, that is not meant in anyway to be offensive or hurt you, but like many women who compromise on so much in their lives, they lack the real secure knowledge they are worthy of more, that they need to demonstrate to any man who comes along..'boundaries' of what is excepted and what isn't.
DRUGS: NOT excepted
EMOTIONAL or PHYSICAL ABUSE: NOT excepted
VIOLENCE towards children: NOT excepted
ADULTERY: NOT excepted
Once a woman accepts these things and works beyond the span of when the partner could change - then he knows she will remain in the status quo, pleading, begging for change, but NOT take action herself. YOU are in control of your own life, IF you see it that way, but you probably see your situation as hopeless, and that you are taken for granted, put upon, but that only happens because you have allowed it.
As the other AA has said, your marriage is not really a marriage, and if this is what you want for the rest of life, for your children to see, for them to see you accepting a man like your husband, then stay where you are and continue with this married man, who has also taken control of you, so the pattern is repeated, just like the domino effect.
I do understand how you feel so elated with this married mans attention, as you have been starved of any real love and affection, but this is not the answer for you. The answer is for you to see you need to decide what you want, and take the steps to become independent, where YOU CHOOSE who is in your life, NOT because you have to live with someone out of fear of going it alone, or living a double life, that is not healthy either.
And it's not just men who will 'act' like they will change when they feel they're going to loose something, that is human nature, for most people, but it's action that counts, NOT bleating when the tables are turned.
Please think about you life, you are still so young. Either leave your husband, or ask him to leave, it is not a loving marriage. I'm passionate about helping women find their inner confidence, so they can choose what they want, and not compromise their happiness or their children's.
Jilly
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (14 January 2011):
 This married guy hasn't served up divorce papers yet, which means he's keeping his options open. It means that he is not yet done with his wife despite his claims of estrangement.
Before you go any further you should consider whether or not you truly want to end your marriage. If yes, then get it over with quickly. If not, then you are sabotaging any chance of reconciliation by carrying on with your married guy. Good luck and take care.
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A
female
reader, AuntyMaur  +, writes (14 January 2011):
 oh! the WEB people weave.
Often people will introduce a third party into a marriage as a means of escape because they havnt got the courage to tell thier partner it's over. I find it amusing that people marry - spend many years together but when the relationship has run its course they dont even have enough respect left for the other person or persons, to be able to sit him/her down, face to face in a calm adult manner,and say hey! this is not working anymore its is time to let go.They let things drag on and on, then the ending is more dramatic, more people are lied to,more are left with shame, loss of self respect, cheated on, friends, family, children, work colleges all talking behind your back and all for what??? Love this isnt LOVE its sex!!! bla bla I think you get my drift. Of course taking this step is not easy but someone has to be upfront and honest. 2 wrongs dont make a right. I would leave both men and start tring to find yourself because who are you? You wouldnt know because you have never been alone to find out.
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A
female
reader, diddycoy  +, writes (14 January 2011):
hi
its because when you stop trying they start lol..the old saying wanting what you cant have..
anyway why doesnt this man get dicorced if they dont live together there,s something wrong..you do the same and problem solved...or....think haard how did you feel when your husband was seeing other women...cause thats how your gonna make another woman feel...also if your husband did change to be what you always wanted him to be ,do you think you could fall in love with him again ? if so then i think you should give it a go ,if not then do the right thing and seperate and find a single man ,,,
good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2011): If your marriage is dead, there is no reason to stay. Whether your husband suddenly changed his tune is irrelevant.
He cheats on you and does drugs, that is not a relationship.
I suggest either you move out or he does, and you look into divorce proceedings.
Your husband only started begging you and said he wanted to change once he'd found you'd met somebody else. If he hadn't found out he wouldn't have been so quick to try and get you back. He has no intention of changing and you feel nothng for him anymore anyway.
The thing is, this other guy you are seeing is also married and to me that doesn't make him such a great guy either. Him and his wife have lived apart for 2 years yet haven't got a divorce yet? HUGE RED FLAG.
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