A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi Everyone,I have been in a relationship with a man for about 7 months. I really do love spending time with him, we have a lot in common and we get along very well. He is funny, fun-loving, smart, understanding, reflective, and I find him very attractive. To be honest, it's been years since I have had this kind of connection with a man and it feels really good.But, he has a less than ideal circumstance. He is very financially challenged. He has two kids from a previous marriage (a 16 year-old and a 9 year-old) which take up most of his dispensable income. So, he cannot afford to take me out to dinner, go on trips, or do any activities which many couples like to enjoy. I love going out, especially going out for a great dinner, and I find myself inviting since I have the resources; but I have to admit that I have become a bit resentful and feel less like a woman in the relationship. To be fair, he is fine with us eating at his place and he often cooks, but sometimes I really just want to go out and I cave and offer to buy dinner. He is always really grateful and appreciative when I do buy dinner.Also, his having kids is really another issue. For example, I had weekend plans to go to Catalina Island which I cancelled to spend time with him, only to find at the last minute he has to take the kids for the weekend. This doesn't happen all that often, but when it does I really start to question why I am in this relationship and the financial situation becomes a dominant thought. I could always hang out with him and his children, but frankly, it's not my thing. Not only do I feel we are too early in the relationship, but I also don't feel like that is spending quality time together. He spends most of the time focus on his children, as he should, and so I choose not to hang out with them as a whole.So, what do you all think? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow! I am really impressed by all the fantastic advice. You all really came through for me, and trust me, all your words weigh in on my decision process.
I feel as though I need more time to make a decision, I am still not quite sure yet, but hearing all this definitely sheds light on the issue. You all made exceptionally great points, now it's a matter of feeling it out. But, it helps to hear from the community, it gets me outside of my head and see the way other people perceive my situation. Thank you all so much! I am amazed and filled with gratitude for you all your words of wisdom.
A
male
reader, mr toyboy  +, writes (6 September 2013):
I really love the fantastic advise these guys have been giving you. when i first met my girlfriend 4 years ago, i was a student while she was working. She spent more at the end of the month for us to eat out, go to the cinema or go out on weekends.Today i am done studying, have a good job that almost pays more than what she now earns and you know what? I appreciate this woman so much for being there for me that i offered to buy her electricity as well as pay for her cable tv monthly.. Am currently waiting for her to come home and guess whats on the table waiting for her? Flowers, and a lot of other presents. I ve also booked for us a place at a fancy Thai restaurant. I ll practically spend my last Rand on her.Thats how i ve been treating her cos i ll never forget. P.S Am saving for an engagement ring.
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A
male
reader, DKW  +, writes (6 September 2013):
You're young enough to move on from this. He sounds like a really great guy and will be a fantastic husband for someone, just not for you. If this is a taste of what future life will be like with him, and it's not working, then try and begin the end now.
Sometimes loving someone just isn't enough, if it doesn't feel right in your heart then you have to finish, it's not fair on this guy otherwise.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 September 2013):
 I think you know what to do.
The guy is a good one, but he is NOT for you. The fact that you write, and I quote : **I could always hang out with him and his children, but frankly, it's not my thing.**
Not your thing? You are DATING a man with kids but hanging out with him and the kids is not something you want to do, so WHY date him? You only want to see him when he doesn't have the kids? You don't really want/like kids around?
The youngest is only 9 so there is AT LEAST another 9 years of Child support and the 16 year old will be (hopefully) starting college which he might also want to help out with financially. So in the long run HIS financial situation is NOT going to change, neither is his commitment to his children.
Maybe what you need to do is find a man who doesn't have kids ,one who have the same preferences and priorities.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (6 September 2013):
 If you are the sort of person that doesnt want to be around kids and likes to eat out frequently, yet he is the sort of person that prefers to stay home and cook and be a family man with his kids - then you two are fundamentally incompatible.
I personally think its very shallow to consider not being with someone just because they cannot afford to take you out for dinner, finding someone who has all the qualities you want in a man is so hard to find so to consider dumping him just because he cant wine and dine you is very shallow - however if a man buying your dinner is one of your most important criteria in finding a partner then I guess he is not the right man for you.
As for the kids - I presume you were aware he had children right from the start? So why get involved with a man who has kids when you dont want to be around children and resent him for being a good dad? Of course there will be times he has to take the kids at short notice, these are the logistical problems separated parents face. Sometimes he will need the kids mom to do the same - that is how co-parenting works when you are not together anymore.
I bet during the week he doesnt see much of the kids, so weekends are his quality time with the children - and yes the kids come first above you, you are just the girlfriend of 7 months, these are his blood, the kids he has spent years raising with blood, sweat and tears. If you are aware of the kids right from the start then you have to choose right at the start whether you are ok with being 2nd to the kids, and are happy to spend time with him and his children as a family if you want to be with him long term - after all if you wanted this to be long term you could end up being step-mom so you need a relationship with these kids. Yes its not quality 'alone' time, but it is just a different kind of quality time as a family rather than a couple.
I think the crux of the problem here is that you are a bit immature and are not ready to take on a man with the baggage of children - you still want to be out on the town, being wined and dined and enjoying fun-filled weekends together. Whereas he is a family man, he is settled down, all grown up with responsibilities meaning he is no longer care-free and available to go anywhere on a whim. He is the stay at home, mature responsible man whereas you are the care-free, fun loving girl who just wants to be out and about enjoying yourself.
So you two are very different and at very different stages in life - unless you are willing to change (he cant change as he cant take back his decision to have kids) then this wont work. It all boils down to whether he is worth it - you say you havent had a connection like this in years, so is it worth accepting there will be no more fancy dinners, and worth making an effort to get to know his kids and enjoy time with them rather than time alone as a couple? Or are you not willing to give up the dinners and couples only activities?
Choice is yours - we cant decide is best for you, only you know what you are willing to compromise on in the name of love.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2013): You may be making the biggest mistake of your life moving on just because he is financially challenged - that is not a permanent thing and may change one day. Everyone goes through good and bad times, and this too shall pass.
You could have a guy with lots of money but would he appreciate you as he does, and have all the qualities this guy has? I would give him a chance, let him get his life back together again. After divorce it does take a while, but he will get there. Be patient as he sounds like worth the wait.
In terms of the children - it's not your thing, sadly, but you could have benefited a lot. Children allow us to see things we as adults may have forgotten or take for granted. It's also a blessing to see children, any children, growing up, discovering things, themselves, and to be part of that is a blessing (for most people). As it's not your thing, you have no alternative but to do your own thing when he has his kids. It's your choice. When you have the free time, it will be just like when you were single and I'm sure when he is free again after those weekends, you appreciate him all over again.
I don't believe either of these are a dealbreaker at all, however if you want to be wined and dined, then he is not the one for you, move on at your own risk. I'm sure there is someone out there who would appreciate everything about him, as money does not make the world go round.
I'm speaking from my own experience - I have a stable job earning a good salary, and when I met a guy as great as you describe above, who soon after we met also became financially challenged, it's actually bonded us closer together. I value him, his character, who he is, and I don't care if he has money or not. We found ways to survive monthly, sometimes having only cheap sausages, but we made it and now some years later, the change has arrived and I foresee he will be earning more than me one day soon ;-)
In a way, I'm glad he had no money because now he knows I'm with him for him, not his money. He always found ways to save us money, he is a great thinker and very practical, and I'm glad we've been together through thick and thin, good times and bad times, and still together, could not be happier.
Think about it... what is more important: instant gratification NOW to travel, dine out, etc. or be with someone who sounds great, and is prepared to cook for you, as you build your relationship and give him a chance to recuperate his financial situation.
Up to you.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (6 September 2013):
 I think you are in a relationship with someone who is incompatible with your lifestyle.
It's annoying when we meet someone really great but they just so happen to have a crappy or akward lifestyle, or are busy with kids or work...but that is life. If it bugs you, then don't date someone with kids and money worries.
You cannot change him or the situation and his kids are young so the issues are probably going to go on for the next 15 years or so...if not forever.
All you can do is decide 'Is this for me?' or 'Is this not for me?'
Choose one and act accordingly.
I am not going to suggest he should start spending more quality time with you or splashing the cash...because quite obviously, he cannot...so the choice is yours, either accept that this is the way life is with him, or walk away and find someone more suitable.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2013): The only thing I can suggest OP, is that you talk to him about it. Take the kids to the mothers house and you two have a nice weekend at home. Let him cook for you, then maybe go to a lake? You don't always have to spend money to have a good time. Although, I understand wanting to go out every now and then. Just talk to him, really all you can do.
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