A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:my boyfriend of 5 months is married but seperated and has a baby due anyday now. He lives in another city with his mom and dad and wife. He come to see me when ever he can. So many times I've tried to end it because of the situation but we just can't leave each other alone I've never felt this way for anyone. His wife knows about us but anyways I have asked a couple times about divorce and he say he's gonna do it but that's just talk obviously. I don't wanna push it because I don't wanna push him away but what future do we really have if he stay married! Help I'm at my lowest right now and need some help!
View related questions:
divorce Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2011): you do need to push it even if you're afraid that this will push him away. Better if he leaves you than you continuing to be strung along like this in limbo. At least if he leaves you then you can move on.If he says he's going to divorce his wife, then hold him to it. Keep reminding him. He MUST make a choice, you or his wife.It's definitely not going to be easy for him, but he needs to man up and take responsibility and do the right thing whether that means breaking up with you and staying honestly in his marriage, or ending his marriage and paying child support if he just can't stay faithful to his wife. And you say his wife knows? And she hasn't kicked him to the curb already? I pity that poor woman, she must have zero self respect. If I were her I would kick him out and get all the child support I can get from him.but since his secret is out supposedly if his wife knows, then you need to force a resolution on him even if it means that he chooses to break up with you. It's very unfair of him to be stringing two women along. it's not fair to you or his wife. if he leaves you under the pressure that's still better than what you're in right now because at least you can move on.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2011): tell him your relatinoship is put on hold until he is divorced. if you continue your extramarital affair with him you're making it easy for him to never get a divorce because he can have his cake and eat it too. He may not want to be with his wife but he may not want the unpleasantness associated with going through divorce and readjusting to a new life either. Right now he's comfortable where he is. He gets the stability and comfort of having a wife and kid to go home to and feel good about when it suits him, and he gets the thrill and pleasure of a relationship with you also when it suits him....Well tough, he shouldn't have his cake and eat it too, that's not fair to anyone - his wife nor you.
Tell him not to contact you again until he's divorced. If he breaks the rule and contacts you while he's still married and living with his wife, don't give in, stick with this rule. Be black and white about it. Because right now you're in this gray area and it's not a good place to be.
If he keeps the rule and never contacts you because he's never getting divorced, then treat is as he dumped you and move on.
...............................
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (1 February 2011):
realize that he's in a bad position. Let's say he truly doesn't love his wife and he truly loves you instead (as you claim).But if he were to leave her when she's due to give birth to his kid any day now, how does that make him look? everyone will say he's a callous scum for leaving his pregnant wife. So he "has" to stay with her now.If he told the truth that he doesn't love her and wants to leave her because he doesn't love her, well it's better that he be honest about that but he will still be condemned by family and friends saying he needs to 'work it out' with her since they're having a baby. they will still say he's callous to leave his wife after she has just had their first baby - somehow this seems "more cruel" to most people than if he were to leave her at any other time (like if the kids already existed). I guess it's because the birth of a couple's first baby is seen almost as this magical sacred event or a sacred time of their coupled life. (even though that only holds true if the couple are on good terms with each other not if they hate each other!)If he tells more truth and says actually he loves someone else, he has already made up his mind so no way can he 'work it out' with his wife and that's why he wants to leave, he will still be condemned but now for having an extra marital affair. And rightly so. And somehow it's considered even worse to be having an affair while the wife is pregnant (although personally I don't see how that makes it any more "wrong" than having an affair even when the wife already has given birth to the kids years ago or otherwise isn't pregnant at the time)....So he really has no way to leave his wife without facing condemnation from family and friends and her. he would need a lot of guts to leave her, because she's due to give birth to their first child any day now and this makes the situation seem much worse than practically at any other point in their lives together.if he is going to leave her, then you might want to tell him to make a time line and stick with it, otherwise you need to decide if you're willing to wait around indefinitely for him while suffering the anxiety of not knowing if he's ever going to leave.then there's also the possibility that he hasn't actually decided if he will leave her or not. If so, I pity his poor wife since she knows about the affair and if he stays with her she will have to live with having zero trust in him...If this is the case, I think the best you can do is move on because it's not good for you to be putting your life on hold for something that may never happen.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (31 January 2011):
In other words, you're his mistress, and not his girlfriend. This is not a good sign for you. I'd suggest running a mile.
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (31 January 2011):
 I'm really sorry to say this but I dont think your 'boyfriend' is actually separated, he is just telling you that to keep you happy and to keep you in his life.
Sure, by the sounds of things, they have problems. But at the end of the day, they have still had sex at least once within the last 9 months (to conceive the child), they live together and they are still married and have made no plans for divorce. Therefore they are not at all separated, they are very much together.
So you are (again, sorry to say this) the other woman - his bit on the side. As you rightly said - what future do you have? Well, the honest answer is none, you dont have a future at all. His future is with his wife and baby, I mean think about it, is he really going to leave his wife and newborn child for you? He is going to stand by them, be a dad and work on their problems. But he would clearly like to keep you on the side when he wants a bit of fun with an attractive young woman, and then he can go back home to play happy families.
This man is nothing but a cheat - he is having an affair behind his wife's back with you. I dont believe for a second that he has told his wife about you, that will just be another line to keep you happy and to keep you off his back. No married man ever leaves their wife for the other woman, it never ever happens. Especially when there is a newborn child involved.
So unless you want to keep on hurting yourself, his wife and his new baby (think about the child in this too - imagine finding out when he/she grows up that while mummy was pregnant, daddy was off having sex with another woman in a different city), then you need to leave him right now and never look back. This man is really the lowest of the low, cheating on his pregnant wife makes him scum, there are no other words for him. Do you really want to be with a man that has such low morals as this?
I think you sound like you have your head screwed on and you know this is wrong and it isnt working - so do the right thing for all of you and end it. You can do so much better than this jerk, he doesnt deserve you or his wife, but at the end of the day she is having his baby and the baby needs a dad. So let him go, he is never going to committ to you so time to move on.
You say you have tried to end it before - why did that fail? I think you really need to 100% cut him from your life, that means delete his phone no, email address, facebook etc and put a block on your phone to prevent him from calling you. No contact is the only way to get over someone, otherwise when you are feeling a bit low you give in to the temptation of calling them. So tell him one last time that you are not going to be the woman on the side anymore, and seen as he cannot make a decision then you will make one for him - it is time for him to focus on his family and you want nothing more to do with him. Leave it at that - it just needs to be short and to the point. Make it clear that you want absoultely nothing to do with him, you are worth more than being somebody's bit on the side and he is not what you want. As much as you will be hurting inside when you say this, you need to be strong and clear that you have realised he is no good and you dont want such a bad influence in your life.
If you realise just how much you are wasting your time on this guy, and allow that anger with him to make you strong - then you should be able to stick to your guns and get him out of your life for good.
I hope this helps and good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, dollface1  +, writes (31 January 2011):
 ok
I'm so sorry to hear about this I feel your pain.
the only thing you can do is give him an ultimatium .
tell him if you really love me you will leave your wife.
i'm not gonna see or talk to you until that happens and then see what happens.
If he leaves her and comes back to you, he really does love you. if not he was just using you. and you should rather move on
because you can't go on like this it's hurting you, and you will become depressed.look at how this affecting you is it worth it? do you like knowing his with her, sleeping in the same bed? no obviously not or you wouldn't be hear now, it's your right to make him choose. so do it
all the best
...............................
A
female
reader, Enzian  +, writes (31 January 2011):
 Why are you still with him? I don't see the reason! As I see it, he will never leave her. And if he will, he will stay with you for a few years until he finds a better one...
I would end it!
...............................
|
