A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my Fiancee for 3 years. We are both in our 40's. A few months ago he was in a car accident and was house bound for three months. During that time, he got very upset with me for not giving him more time and attention while he needed it most. I work full time and have children to care for. We don't live together. I was under a lot of stress with other commitments and felt I did what I could. I saw him most mornings before work and made dinner for him every night. We had sex whenever he wanted to. We had a big arguement one night because I wanted to go out for a drink with a friend and he felt I should wait till he was able to come too. We argued and I returned his engagement ring. We seemed to reconcile the next day. Over the next few weeks I told him I wasn't sure about getting married and needed more time. A couple of weeks later I decided to go away for two nights with a friend. At first he was ok with me going away, but while I was away he got very angry with me saying I shouldn't have gone because he still needed me to care for him. His friend was staying with him, but he said he only wanted me to care for him. When I got back he broke up with me, but made-up with me the next day. We eventually got re-engaged and started planning for our wedding. I have recently found out that during our 'difficult' time, he posted online profiles looking for discreet sexual relationships outside of his 'committed relationship'. I also found he had chatted to women on other dating websites. When I asked him about it, he said it was because he was unsure about our relationship, and in the circumstances and because I wasn't meeting his needs - it was understandable. I am so deeply hurt and he doesn't think I have any reason to be. He said nothing happened and I have to trust him. He had the 'intentions' though. His profile says he lives alone and likes it that way. It says he just needs more sex and would like to meet people while on his business trips. Other than this, he is a very loving kind, generous man and my children love him. It is just what he does behind my back that I am concerned about. ANY advice or thoughts would be SO appreciated.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2011): Thanks for all your answers and advice. I am so grateful you have taken the time to give me your advice. I can see all your points of view and therefore find myself still uncertain of where to go next. I will need to think about things for longer. My fiance doesn't feel there is anything left to discuss. I have not gotten angry with him over this at all. Thanks so much again!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2011): You have seen how he reacts when under stress but he has paid no attention to your stress or thanked you for your help. In fact he was very demanding. I think he was severely depressed. I would be wondering what he would do if you have a bad patch in the future and he goes on a business trip! You need to tell him how though understandable in some ways, this way of coping with stress has left you with some serious worries. Ask him what he thinks he can do to help, bearing in mind he has caused a lot of this.
You are going to have to hang on in there and see if you can get past this concern because nobody needs that level of worry and you need to be 100% confident that he will not act out his explorations.
If he wants a relationship where you will overlook this kind of thing - on the business trips or whatever- he must tell you. It is emotional fraud to hide the truth especially when you are asking a person to make a lifelong comitment.
You could get a programme called Webwatcher installed on his laptop without him knowing. That way you can check for yourself from anywhere even if he is away with no chance of being detected. Look it up.
Having said that once trust is gone it is hard to get it back and you may find exactly what you fear even if he is only playing with the idea, with no intention of actually carrying anything through. It could make things worse.
And you need to be clear that you would rather know.
I had these type of fears when my partner went through a major depression. I know he did a lot of porn and I think he salied close to the wind and maybe even had a quick fling with a work mate. I didn't know for sure but I picked up clanging red flags. I nealy went mad with paranoia. I managed not to do the Webwatcher thing. Just. Now we are really close, he is over his shock and I have never been so happy. We recently married. But it was a close run thing.
Don't feel bad about it, it is completely understandable that you feel this way and up to him to mend this part of the damage.
When you speak about it be matter of fact, not emotional. Don't say "You did this" etc. Something more like, I am now really worried that if we have a bad patch at any time you could resort to coping in a similar way and even carry it through. What can you do to help me know that would never be the case?"
Fobbing you off with "you should trust me, we are getting married" is a fob off and no kind person would do that to you. He has a responsibility to make this right.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (31 January 2011):
 If the difficult times were that bad for him that he needed other women, he would have broken up with you. He was looking to cheat. What happens later in life when you hit a rough patch (not if, but when) and when your sex life hits a slow point (again, not if but when). Is he entitled to seek out other women then too because you're not meeting his needs? Or what about when he actually is on business trips when you're not around? Can you trust him not to? If he wants to be in a relationship with you, he needs to keep that commitment through whatever rough patches you encounter, not through the good times until the going is tough or he gets horny. If he honestly believed that you simply weren't meeting his needs, he would have talked to you about it, not cheated. This guy clearly isn't marriage material if rather than working on problems with you, he looks to work on them with other women.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (31 January 2011):
Question??
Would you do that to him??? If the answer is "No"...Then why are you even stressing about this? Discreetly say good bye, and thank you for showing me what kind of man you are before I made the mistake of marrying your sorry ass.
You are now a hot single woman look for all the "non discreet men"...come on!! :))
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2011): you want advice so here it is,he is cheating you,even his profiles are dishonest. yet again the same old crap,because you were not meeting his needs,no you are wrong,it isnt understandable,he is having you blame yourself,just like all dishonest,cheating,untrustworthy people do,he is trying to justify it,he is going to do it again,mark my words. Everytime things dont go quite as right as you want them to,then how do we solve it? I have got an out of this world ass kicking idea,lets join a dating site. In fact,my gf is over an hour late while i`m here waiting, I think i`ll join one right now,and if she`d have been here on time then it wouldnt have happened,you could say i have been driven to it.... WAKE UP,stop excusing him. dating sites are there to sort the potential life partners out from the ones who cheat and you now know how dishonest and insincere he really is now.
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A
female
reader, dollface1  +, writes (31 January 2011):
 hi
ok he felt abandoned by you like he wasn't important anymore, like he needed attention he was hurt. so he needed a way to find attention and since he can't get out he went on a site were he could be anything he wanted and were women could give him attention. but he was only doing this out of spite, he was in fact jealous of your life.
1. you can go out when ever you want
2. you have things that occupy your time, exciting things
and you have the freedom
maybe the thought crossed his mind of sleeping with someone else, but in actual fact he knew it wouldn't happen, he was living in a fantasy world while you were away.
he needs to deal with his insecurities and jealousy.
He must relise that you have other things in your life that also need your attention.
Don't feel like you the only one hurting his hurting to. talk to him, tell him how you feel, try and work through these issues together.
wish you all the best
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