A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend grabbed my head and slammed it against the door. He said that I wouldn't shut up (we were having an argument) and that because I followed him through the house (I was trying to get him to talk / listen) then I tip him over the edge and get him wound up. When he was calm later I asked him what happens as this is not the first time (one time he picked me up and threw me down on the tiles on the kitchen floor which severely bruised my hip). He said that he can feel his blood start to boil and I won't shut up and leave him alone and then he starts to blow up and he can see I'm scared of him and then he lashes out. Then he said as soon as he's done that he feels a release and is completely calm. I am of course left like a wreck, shaking and in tears - a complete contrast. I find this sick. I don't think I can take it again and it has really affected how I feel about him deep down. I did love him I'm not sure any more. Is he going to change... is it normal for a man to get this angry? I can't help but blame myself but that is not helping me see straight. I need advice about what to do - please help. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (11 February 2011):
 I am so glad to hear that. Good luck with your future.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): I cannot love this man any more. My decision is made. I'm leaving.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): Thank you OP for the update.
So to put it bluntly: are you going to leave this abuser or not.
The support you have received, the eye opening advice given is overwhelming.
You know what is in store for you when he loses control, when you nag, when you provoke. Do you wait for another beating, a few broken ribs? Or will you leave when it is too late.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): I just want to say thank you so much to everyone who has taken the time and trouble to respond I cannot say how much it has helped me 'wake up' and get a grip. This is not what I want for myself and the fact is something in me has died - I don't respect him any more and if I stay with him I see I am not respecting myself. The irony (if you can call it one) is that he works for a mental health charity and understands more than anyone - or at least should - that this is not the way to be. I read the link to 'how to spot a loser' Cerberus and guess what... he told me he loved me within a week of us getting together and wanted to move in within 6 weeks - pretty much pressured me and I had to get tough to say no. He took it really personally at the time. I know his parents got into physical fights but they divorced over 10 years ago and he said he was over all that - and I don't buy it as a reason it would be an excuse. I agree that I should not have pursued him while we were in an argument and it is good advice to diffuse the situation - but the key thing to me is that he said he saw i looked scared of him and still went and hurt me. That is vile. The fact is I am scared of him and what he is capable and I can already feel myself closing in on myself - I hold my head down and have lost my sense of self in public. I feel like on the days when everything is ok I am just going through the motions of life. Anyway - thank you all again.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): RUN dont' walk for the door!! this is not normal, he needs help, and is going to really lose it one day. you don't want to be around for that day. get out now while you still can .... abuse is no joke and should not be taken lightly. don't even question it. you know this isn't right deep down, you just needed to hear it from someone else. be strong - get OUT!!
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A
male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (10 February 2011):
 He is not going to change. He belongs in prison before he kills you or someone else.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): Your boyfriend has a big personality problem. He won't change (maybe if he goes for anger management there might be a chance). Anyway, that is not your problem, it's his. Leave him now. It is no way to live your life, wondering when someone may lose it and be out of control. It is typical of these sort of men to be very apologetic afterwards - it means nothing. Get out while you can. You are on a slippery slope if you stay. I really hope you just walk away, why stay, this is not about love it's about control and manipulation.
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A
female
reader, nanie20 +, writes (10 February 2011):
 Okay the safest thing for you to do is just like move out if you are living with him. Since you love him help him and go with him to anger management classes. If he does not agree to go to this classes the best thing is for you to move on its not fair that you become his punching bag when he is mad. You never know if this man can kill you is hard to step away from a person you love but its not fair for you to stay if it hurts you. If he truly loves you he is going to want to fix things to not hurt you if he doesnt his not going to want to and just keep you as a punching bag.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (10 February 2011):
 This is a man who can not conrol his anger. It's common to feel this way IF you allow your anger to boil up like he does. But it is under no circumstance acceptable to let it go that far.
Don't try to understand him in any way. Normal or not normal, it's not acceptable and you need to tell him that what he is doing is wrong, and you need to leave him as well. This will continue. It will take a long long time for him to change, and it will only happen if he actually wants to change. Which won't happen anytime soon.
So if he tell syou he can and will change as long as you stay with him: leave him! Do not take his words for it. He KNOWS this is wrong, he KNEW before he did it, yet he did it. Action speaks louder than words. Leave. This is not a good man.
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A
female
reader, dmartin89 +, writes (10 February 2011):
 Your boyfriend should not have hurt you,
But why did you follow him around when he was clearly angry and trying to diffuse the situation by trying to take himself out of it?
It is NORMAL for HUMANS to get angry. I get angry, my boyfriened gets angry and when we get angry at eachother, we handle it maturely. We dont yell and shout at eachother, we go to opposite ends of the house so we dont say or do something we regret.
Your boyfriend is not an "abuser". He was put in a situation where there was so much adrenaline going through his body that he had less control of his actions than he would have had in any normal sitation.
I agree with other people that he needs to sort out his anger. I also think that you could both do with some couples therapy. This man is not a monster, he has a problem hadling his emotions.
If it has gotten to the point that he is this angry and you are following him around, then you could both do with learning how to communicate with eachother better.
If you dont want to stick by him and work this out then there is no shame in leaving him.
But as a cognative behavioural therapist..I know that you can work this out if you want to put in the effort.
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (10 February 2011):
 There are two ways this could go, either you can grab your stuff and run for your life.... or...... you can go and pick out your coffin and flowers! This man is going to kill you.Get out now!!!
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (10 February 2011):
 Go as fast as you can...unfortunately, You've gotten mixed up with a person that will just as soon kill you as look at you. Men that hit women for ANY reason are not men, they are cowardly fools. Run!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): Find the best way to walk away from this man..Look after yourself! He won't change if the situation stays as it is.....also.. it sounds likes he needs help himself!...1. He drinks and/or he gambles perhaps?...2. Could he be taking drugs? Prescriptions included..3. Has he himself been traumitized in his past?BUT even so...it's not your problem...and it shouldn't be your problem because you deserve better and you've done nothing wrong...No one can reason with a person if they're not of sound mind...Be brave.. stay strong and keep yourself safe first and foremost! Good Luck.. You can do it....
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 February 2011):
 Get out now, while you are still alive.
It is NOT normal.
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A
female
reader, Tigerlily +, writes (10 February 2011):
So... he says that he gets angry because you won't shut up? really? So he doesn't want to listen to you or hear what you have to say. Why do you want to be with someone who doesn't want to listen to you? What's the old saying? Love is patient. Love is kind? Where is his patience and his kindness?
And hitting you gives him an emotional release and then he feels calm? That's scary. It means he may actually like it. So, if he likes it why would he want to stop? Love yourself first, and stand up for yourself and walk away from this right now. This is totally unacceptable.
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A
female
reader, Tigerlily +, writes (10 February 2011):
So... he says that he gets angry because you won't shut up? really? So he doesn't want to listen to you or hear what you have to say. Why do you want to be with someone who doesn't want to listen to you? What's the old saying? Love is patient. Love is kind? Where is his patience and his kindness?
And hitting you gives him an emotional release and then he feels calm? That's scary. It means he may actually like it. So, if he likes it why would he want to stop? Love yourself first, and stand up for yourself and walk away from this right now. This is totally unacceptable.
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A
male
reader, Kilcardy +, writes (10 February 2011):
This will only escalate to the detriment of your physical well being. You are in danger. Get out now, but do it with the help of family or a group that protects victims of domestic violence.
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A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (10 February 2011):
You said you can't help but blame yourself.... this is NOT your fault. It is in NO WAY your fault. It is HIM who cannot control his emotions. No one should get so angry that they hurt their loved ones. People who do, do so because they have a serious problem controlling their anger and actions. This is no acceptable behaviour. He transfers his anger, rage and negative feelings onto you in the most horrible way, and you get left feeling much, much worse than he does. There is no way to justify doing that to another person, and to do that to a woman you love? If you love someone, why would you want to pass on your nagative mood to them? SO he can feel calm. That doesn't make it OK. It IS sick. It's not a healthy relationship sweetie. Once violence happens, it's not healthy and not real love. This is why you are doubting your love for him, He isn't loving and respecting you anymore. The minute he picked you up and dropped you on your hip, a line was crossed. You know this isn't right. You know he has crossed the line and I'm sure you know you should leave him. If you stay, it is very likey that he will be violent again. You know this isn't good. You will always be on edge around him, always wondering if he is going to snap and do it again. You will always have to walk on eggshells when he is angry. You will never be able to fully be yourself when he is like this, you will have to pander to him rather than have a rational discussion, because he is unable to deal with his strong emotions in a rational way.
Have you heard about violent relationships where the violence carrys on and on and gets worse and worse, until one day, the man gets soooo mad that he completely loses it, beats his wife so hard, throws her down the stairs, stabs her, hits her round the head with a hammer, iron, some household object thats unfortunatly to hand, that he "accidentally" kills his wife? Those stories are true. They start out the same as yours. If you stay in this relationship, this could happen to you. It is a very real possibility. I am sorry if I upset or scare you, but you HAVE to realise this. He isn't just getting angry and pushing you away from him, he is physically picking you up and throwing you on the floor and smacking your HEAD off a door! That is dangerous!
Please think rationally about this. I know you are doubting yourself because he tells you a sob story that he cannot control his actions, that it is your fault. This is manipulation. Everyone is able to control their emotions and actions. Most people learn to calm themselves down when they get angry, NOT to take it out on others. He has not learnt to do this. This is HIS problem, it is so unfair to blame you. If he wasn't with you, he would do it to any other woman who got close to him. I also know it is hard to think about leaving him when you loved this guy very much. But his actions show he doesn't love you, not really. These are not the actions of love.
I hope you can see what you have to do and I really hope you can find the courage to do it. DO you have family or friends you can go to about this? If not find a woman's refuge in your area. DO whatever you need to do to get away from this man. Get yourself safe. You are a precious person. You do not deserve to be treated like this.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (10 February 2011):
You said you can't help but blame yourself.... this is NOT your fault. It is in NO WAY your fault. It is HIM who cannot control his emotions. No one should get so angry that they hurt their loved ones. People who do, do so because they have a serious problem controlling their anger and actions. This is no acceptable behaviour. He transfers his anger, rage and negative feelings onto you in the most horrible way, and you get left feeling much, much worse than he does. There is no way to justify doing that to another person, and to do that to a woman you love? If you love someone, why would you want to pass on your nagative mood to them? SO he can feel calm. That doesn't make it OK. It IS sick. It's not a healthy relationship sweetie. Once violence happens, it's not healthy and not real love. This is why you are doubting your love for him, He isn't loving and respecting you anymore. The minute he picked you up and dropped you on your hip, a line was crossed. You know this isn't right. You know he has crossed the line and I'm sure you know you should leave him. If you stay, it is very likey that he will be violent again. You know this isn't good. You will always be on edge around him, always wondering if he is going to snap and do it again. You will always have to walk on eggshells when he is angry. You will never be able to fully be yourself when he is like this, you will have to pander to him rather than have a rational discussion, because he is unable to deal with his strong emotions in a rational way.
Have you heard about violent relationships where the violence carrys on and on and gets worse and worse, until one day, the man gets soooo mad that he completely loses it, beats his wife so hard, throws her down the stairs, stabs her, hits her round the head with a hammer, iron, some household object thats unfortunatly to hand, that he "accidentally" kills his wife? Those stories are true. They start out the same as yours. If you stay in this relationship, this could happen to you. It is a very real possibility. I am sorry if I upset or scare you, but you HAVE to realise this. He isn't just getting angry and pushing you away from him, he is physically picking you up and throwing you on the floor and smacking your HEAD off a door! That is dangerous!
Please think rationally about this. I know you are doubting yourself because he tells you a sob story that he cannot control his actions, that it is your fault. This is manipulation. Everyone is able to control their emotions and actions. Most people learn to calm themselves down when they get angry, NOT to take it out on others. He has not learnt to do this. This is HIS problem, it is so unfair to blame you. If he wasn't with you, he would do it to any other woman who got close to him. I also know it is hard to think about leaving him when you loved this guy very much. But his actions show he doesn't love you, not really. These are not the actions of love.
I hope you can see what you have to do and I really hope you can find the courage to do it. DO you have family or friends you can go to about this? If not find a woman's refuge in your area. DO whatever you need to do to get away from this man. Get yourself safe. You are a precious person. You do not deserve to be treated like this.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): Is it normal for an abuser to get that angry? yes of course it is.
Is it normal for you to put up with it? No it's not.
You're being horribly abused, either leave or put up with it, your choice. You know which choice you will eventually have to make, so it would better if you made that choice now.
http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (10 February 2011):
END IT NOW!
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (10 February 2011):
 Get out of your relationship NOW, before he hurts you more. Violence is NEVER acceptable, it is NEVER to be tolerated and NEVER to be justified. No matter how angry a person gets, he/she cannot hurt someone else.
People like your boyfriend who inflict violence on their partners can justify their actions by blaming you for instigating them. Do not EVER buy that nonsense. This is a classic technique used by such losers.
Contact someone who will be able to help you; you havent written about your support system, family, friends...get the help of people and move out. Throw this man out of your life. You are in no way a punching bag for him...which is what he has made you out to be.
Good luck...be strong. You have nothing to be scared about.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): Leave. Your boyfriend needs help and you are not the one to help him. It is not normal or acceptable for a person to be violent no matter how angry they get. Your boyfriend needs anger management, he needs to learn how to walk away from an explosive situation. You are not safe, and it will happen again. Your boyfriend looses his self control, it could be worse next time. Leave while you can and tell him to seek help. Any abuse like that should be reported to the police. He will blame you, because he is not willing to take responsibility for his own actions. RED FLAG. Save yourself more heart ache, and walk away while you still can.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): Hiya, no matter what violence should not be tollerated. get out of this relationship now. these things are never just a one off. he wil apologies and maybe mean it but he will prob do it again and if u accept his behaviour u are sending a message to him that it really wasnt that bad and u accept ur blame in making him do it. you didnt make him do it. get out now before it gets worse.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (10 February 2011):
 NO, this violence is not normal. Violence is never normal, nor is it acceptable. It is not your fault, abusers who use violence against others often have the ability to shift the blame, that is why women who find themselves in violent marriages often never get out of them, I dont give a rats if him picking you up and throwing you down gives him a release.
I am happy to read that you feel it sick, and that you are not sure if you love him anymore. Seek help, there will be crisis lines and organisations that will be able to offer help and advice to get out of this toxic situation.
Good luck!!
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