A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Sorry for this silly question, but trying to decide how to respond to my future x, he informs me after5 years of being together, that he can't totally commit to me because he needs a different body typeto keep him turned on, and I lack certain personalitycharacteristics also??We are both in our 40's, I keep in shape 5'7 128 38-26-37, former swimsuit/lingerie/face model...I still turn heads....(I'm tooting my own horn to make me feel better)Its not the body comment that upsets me the most. Its the personality comment mostly..We have had many good times, I have loved him through all of his ups and downs, never been needy or clingy, sex was on a regular daily basis and wonderful..I have my own business , interests, and friends... Basically I've been his best friend for all these years...he admits to that...I have always for the most part been a happy/fun person...I can't understand how he could say that. He was always able to depend on me...I put so much into this relationship and he tells me this...I just want to know how to respond, in a controlled mature/classy way, my feelings are so hurt. I don't want to be nasty to him. Hes not the greatest looking guy but I looked past that and loved him...and for personality beleive me he can be difficult...anyways ... its hard for me to start taking nasty shots back at him... Of course he would like to continue seeing me still for sex/friendship...but thats not going to happen...Question is, how to respond to his comments?? Thank you in advance...:[
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male
reader, esepalo1 +, writes (12 December 2007):
 You go girl life is short live it to the fullest no one gonna make you happy but you.Until your happy no one else will be happy with you.So be happy.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2007): Oh gosh. Don't say ANYTHING to him about how you are hurt. PLEASE. Just don't say anything. If you really think you are attractive and social and independent and whatever, then you just carry your head high and act like you have too much going for you to care and be like "oh. ok. well then good luck without me. ciao." And say it like you are fine with it. And don't call him! After what he said, I would act like I did not give a shit what he thinks. He doesn't deserve to know that he hurt you.
In this case, NEVER show that you are hurt. NEVER. Of course you are. But don't show it. Because you want to prove to him that you are NOT any of these things. So don't be weak and act like it hurt you. And do not sink down to his level by pointing out his flaws. Just let it go.
If you act like it didn't hurt you and you move on it is going to show him that you are the opposite of what he thought. Because if you are going to "tactfully" and yet pitifully let him know that he hurt you, then he is going to know that he was right about you. You are going to show him that you are weak as he thought.
So on the contrary. Be that beautiful, independent woman and act like you have too much going for you to let his comment or this break up phase you. Trust me. If you do this, not only are you going to be the sassiest, coolest woman in the world (especially in your own eyes but in his eyes too!), and he is probably going to be shocked at your indifference and will probably regret it. So be strong. Be a bitch. Make him realise that he was wrong about you. This is the only way you can do that.
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A
male
reader, esepalo1 +, writes (19 September 2007):
Dont feel down im pretty sure i the 5 yrs you have been with him hes changed my biggest thing is that we as humans make are spouse are IDOL we need to be strong with or with out them if hes not willing to deal with the changes in life then c ya not worth living life with some one who aint happy with you i know deep in your head it bothers you and always will even if you guys get past this uis will stay freshn in your "does he really think im sexy"all i gotta say is look deep down inside yourself and and reveal your inner beauty dont let no one get you down you need to value you for you even if he doesnt.you still beautiful because you a women that brought life to this world and because you you no one like you.:)
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (19 September 2007):
 You sound like a catch and she should be grateful to have you. Let me ask you this. When someone doesn't make sense of their reasonings, what are they doing? There making excuses. His reasons have absolutely nothing to do with you, it has to do with him, his lack of commitment, and his (strange) need for variety. You're better off without him. Who wants someone who doesn't take responsibility for themselves and tries to place it on someone else's shoulders.
First ask him, now what behaviors are you talking about? Then if answered or not, tell him, you're better than that, and what ever he says, no one can make someone else make a decision, it's his doing, his thoughts and his actions. He can fill your head up with sooooooo much BS, just flush it out because it's not you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBefore reading these answers, I was looking at myself in the mirror feeling old and used..and yes hes been hinting here and there he would like to sample other women...But after reading these answers I'm feeling alot better...Called him & told him I need alot of space right now, good luck in his search and of course, I used the last answers idea,Gotta go getting ready for a dinner date!!! I actually do...
Thank you
Appreciate all answers...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2007): Hey it sounds to me like you are and have already handled this revalation of his in a mature, classy way. Just the fact that you have not really responded YET to his words gives you class in my eyes! Reading your information I immediately felt that what he has said to you is not necessarily what is going on. It may be only my thoughts but it sounds as though he may be hiding something from you about his distancing, maybe cheating, and has decided to make you the one with the probelm, i.e. your physical appearance. It worked for him for 5 years, what has changed? It does not add up to me.If you have already decided that you are out now, because of this and it sounds a bit that way, if I was in this situation, then I would thank him for his tremedous honesty in telling you why he now wants out of this relationship. Thank him for being so mature and handling his emotions like a man. Wish all the best for finding the women (if he hasn't already) that fulfills his dreams. Little kiss on the cheek and say you have to go you have a dinner date!All the best, think he is an idiot and will regret his detouring fantisies. Meantime it sounds like you will have no problems in being attractive to other men. Go girl!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2007): haha, sounds like a winner. If your a looker like you say you are, what are you doing this this guy? If I was you I'd shot comments back at him already, what a creep! Get rid and find yourself a decent man, they are out there:)
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A
female
reader, JackieR  +, writes (19 September 2007):
 I have to admit that when i first read your story i got very angry, and you should be too!!! You said yourself that he isn't really good looking so who the hell does he think he is trying to make you feel crap about yourself??
Obviously something has happened to him ie a mid life crisis, and he doesn't like himself very much at the moment and like most wimps he is taking it out on you. If he was a real man he would sort it out himself without hurting you, his so called best friend, or talk to you about what ever is wrong with him and sort it our together like a loving couple.
If it was me i would leave him well alone, or have a talk and say that if he doesn't sort himself out within a given time that your happy with, then leave and mean it!! If he doesn't or won't change or worse still he doesn't think his awful behaviour is a problem are you really going to put up with that? Do you think you deserve that treatment from someone you have given so much to?? no i think not
I know it is very hard to leave someone after being together for so long no matter what it was like, but being on your own isn't that bad believe me, and having a relationship with yourself and doing what ever you want when ever you want is a hell of alot less confusing and a lot more fun, once you get the hang of it.
I think deep down you know what you need to do, your own happiness and well being is at stake which lets face it is something he doesn't give a damn about, sorry to be blunt but you need to face the truth!!!
Good luck, and remember put yourself first and stop hanging on to a shelfish loser who will always put himself first, you know it is true!!!
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A
male
reader, honeyross +, writes (19 September 2007):
 I think it's quite likely that he's making these comments because he feels insecure about himself and he won't admit to himself that the relationship isn't working partly due to his own shortcomings. He's blaming you because he doesn't want to see the situation maturely.
Don't listen to his comments, and don't feel at all bothered by them. Don't even say "Your comments don't hurt me" because this sounds like they do. Don't lower yourself by making cheap comments back to him, and don't allow yourself to be used by him.
You're someone who deserves, and can find, better.
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A
female
reader, misscandy +, writes (19 September 2007):
He sounds awful, after 5 years of being together he tell you all this!!! He is the ugly one and he is the clingy one. Don't know how you put up with him.
Just tell him that if he doesn't like you and your personality why did he waste 5 years of his life, is it because he cannot bag someone better or is it because he knows you will be taken very soon and he will be left with no one.If he looks for physical beauty and comments on you he can, it tells you about his personality. You have many comments to make on him but it is not in your personality to. Stay away from that dirt as it will knock your confidence and self esteem. He is probably doing because he is jealous and to make you weak so that you stick to him. Get rid!!!! Good luck :)
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