A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend has cheated on me twice and I've forgiven him both times because he came out and told me I didnt have to find out or any other immature things involved. While he was cheating on me I kinda felt that something was going on so I cheated on him as well. I feel bad about it, and sometimes I want to tell him, just because hes told me! We both love each other and I know this because every so often he tells me how sorry he that hes crossed the line. I want to tell him so bad about my secrets to but Im afraid he will leave me what do you think?
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male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (11 September 2009):
 First you need to look deep into your heart and determine for yourself whether you want this relationship to survive. How much do you love your boyfriend and how much does he love you?
If you're going to have any slim chance of patching up a rough relationship, the two of you have to have mutual trust.
Obviously he knows he's done wrong. You know you've done wrong. He doesn't know you cheated on him.
Two wrongs don't make a right. And here, it seems you guys are dooming an otherwise close relationship by going out and doing this stuff to each other.
The only thing I can say is that you two have to be close to him emotionally, and you have to gently and very lovingly admit you made mistakes too. This means you have to be able to let him know without any reservation on his part, that this has been eating you up and he's the only person you can trust with it.
After that you two have to work on rebuilding your entire relationship from trust to forgiveness to intimacy again. You also have to make a great deal of time for each other to do this and focus on each other's emotional and physical needs. Part of healing, is that you two have to help heal each other. That takes a great deal of emotional commitment and love.
It seems to me if he's in love with you, then he doesn't want to hurt you and you don't want to hurt him. By working on this relationship, not the infidelities, but the relationship you can probably both get past this.
Basically what you're telling us is that he cheated on you twice, which may mean he was not getting the attention from you that he thought he needed. And you cheated on him because you sensed he wasn't paying attention to you, and, maybe he was paying attention to someone else.
Once you start focusing your attention on each other, and maintain your relationship, then instead of hurting each other, you can heal whatever wounds and rifts there are and find peace as a couple.
The key lesson learned here for both of you is that you can't afford to emotionally or physically neglect your partner. Both of you have needs, and your relationship is like anything else, it requires some maintenance and a great deal of attention.
You can also choose to bury the past and never bring up your own infidelities, but frankly he deserves to know considering all the guilt and shame he's had to go through to keep you and earn your forgiveness. If you want to be fair and risk it, this is one way to deal with it. Its your choice.
A
female
reader, LoveIsRough +, writes (11 September 2009):
 If you want to stay with him, you need to tell him the truth. Honesty is the first step to renewing your relationship. You need to make sure that you do this if you have even the tiniest inkling that you and him could work.
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A
female
reader, redheaded  +, writes (11 September 2009):
Other than the fact you stated you both love each other there was nothing else in your email to suggest any feelings of affection. He cheated on you twice but you say you forgave him merely because he told you what he had done, this would send the message its okay as long as he tells the truth. Of course he is sorry, people usually are when they have done something wrong and let someone down, this does not however prove love, just feelings of guilt. The fact that rather than sit down and discuss the issues when you felt something was wrong, instead choosing to see someone else, would imply just how unhappy you are with the whole situation. It is easy for me to say you deserve someone better but I do understand that it is easy to get caught up in your own life and instead just see what you want and try to find a way to keep it. Yes you should tell the truth, not because he told you of his discretions, but rather because you need to be true to yourself and be able to say, yes we clearly have our problems, what we need to sort out now is if we feel strongly enough for each other to work through them. Wouldn’t you rather be with someone who loves you for who you are rather that the person you have led them to believe you are? You deserve to be happy and once you can say I have no secrets, this is me, you can begin to find how, or even if, the two of you really fit together. If it turns out you don’t work, isn’t it better to find that out now rather than in the future when there may be children involved.
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A
male
reader, Heartbroken in love +, writes (11 September 2009):
Sounds like yall should break up to me. i mean he cheated twice and that was your excuse to cheat once. doesn't sound like yall really want to be together. Find someone that you wont feel like cheating on
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A
male
reader, Illithid +, writes (11 September 2009):
 Tell him. You've stayed by him after he cheated. And he told you, risking you leaving him. Tell him it happened just once, in the past, while he was cheating, but that you've both stopped and are devoted to each other now.
He was honest with you. You owe him the same.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (11 September 2009):
 No matter what the outcome of your relationship will be, it's vital to any success you may have that you reveal your secrets too. Your keeping this secret is eating you up inside and will do so until you come clean. Think of it this way, weather or not he forgives you, either way, you'll be free.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 September 2009):
 Two wrongs never make it right.
I think you want him to forgive you like you forgave him, I'm not sure if telling him won't end your relationship, it seems to be based on a huge lack of trust and respect.
However, I do believe in honesty in a relationship. Hiding things will but quite a strain on the relationship.
I guess it is up to you and what you really want out of this and any other relationships.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (11 September 2009):
 I think your relationship is doomed - he cheated on you, you cheated on him...time to move on with both of your lives and learn from the situation. If he cheated twice you probably do not trust him anymore regardless of whether you have forgiven him or not. He won't trust you when he finds out about your cheating. The basic point is that if both of you are cheating then neither are fully committed to this relationship. Dragging it out does neither of you any good.
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A
female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (11 September 2009):
 You would tell him to unload your bad feelings (guilt) onto him. You would transfer the bad feelings to him.
If you are both cheating on each other, I question the quality of this relationship.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (11 September 2009):
 Yes, I am afraid he will leave you once he knows he was cheated on. That is human nature: you want to be forgiven, but then you have trouble forgiving the very thing they forgave you for.
So, don't tell him. I suppose you did this out of revenge. You must have felt you were just getting even, and now are feeling bad about that. Rightly so.
I would rather think very hard about staying with this man, considering that he cheated on you, and you cheated on him. Seems like a bad foundation for a relationship.
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