A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend planned a special weekend away together for us as my birthday present. Then his ex wife called and told him she wanted extra money (besides maintenance already paid and a few extras) to buy clothes for their child. Now this child does not ever want for anything, his mother has a good job and a wealthy new husband, his grandparents spoil him, even I take him to movies and buy him clothes and treats. He has tons of clothes. My boyfriend cancelled our trip, took the money and gave it all to her. I did not get a birthday present. We can’t reschedule the trip now because he’s got other bills to pay.I will never deny a child anything, but I think if you’ve been together for three years and were planning to marry, one should have a little more consideration. He just went ahead and did it and told me once it was done. It was supposed to be something special for me and for us. I asked him why he did it, he said he’ll do as he pleases and I can get another gift some other time. Do I mean nothing to him? I think he should have acted with more consideration. Just because he has a child from a previous marriage doesn’t mean he doesn’t have to act with due care and consideration towards me does it?
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female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (9 June 2011):
 maybe he has got debts that you don't know about. just a thought
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2011): Hmmm lots of different opinions here. Personally I think yes he could of dealt with things better and spoke to you about it, either way would it of mattered if he had spoke to you before he gave the money? I ask that because his son needed clothes and you partner wasn't going to let him go without. You must accept that no matter what his son is always going to come first in his life and you will be second, it is what happens when you date someone that as children i'm afraid and you can't blame him for that. Granted he should of spoke to you first and you two need to talk about that and where you go forward from here and weather you want to be with a man that no matter what will put his child first and I am sorry to say this but his child is more important then a weekend away....but having said that he should of apologised and explained the situation and promised to make it up to you. It is up to you where you go from here as he as made it clear that he doesn't think he hasn't done anything wrong and to an extent he hasn't but he has as well because he should of spoke to you. Hope you sort hings out and good luck
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A
female
reader, raiders  +, writes (9 June 2011):
 He is a parent and has to care for his kid but that does not mean he has to disrepect you. I don't see him cancelling the trip as the problem here because incase of an emergency this seems like the wise thing to do, but I see it as he cancelled and didn't even take the time to discuss this with you till after it was done. You two are in a relationship and should have more communication between the two. I find his behavior and attitude towards the situation as a very inconsiderate and selfish person towards you.
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (9 June 2011):
I actually think that the post Jon Vim wrote has a good point.
Does anyone else find it entirely suspicious that just as this trip was planned, suddenly the ex wife (who is already paid maintenance and more) decides that the child needs new clothes? Sounds to me like she set out to ruin that trip for you.
And like the others, a red flag was raised when he said 'he does as he pleases'. Not a good sign.
I'm glad he's supporting his child - that is essential. But he has treated you with a very poor level of respect on a few levels here. I also think you need to look at this relationship very carefully.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 June 2011):
 Honestly, I think you should find a guy without "previous" kids.
Seems like he either a. couldn't really afford the trip or b. he didn't want to spend the money on it.
Either way, I would tell him that you felt hurt over being put aside like that. It's not like a week end away HAS to cost an arm and a leg. Or even going out for a nice dinner.
I do think it's nice that he takes such good care of his kids, many dads don't, but it should mean that he can be "thoughtless" when it comes to you.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 June 2011):
 what the mother provides and the new husband provides and the grandparents provide is not the issue.
the fact that the dad pays support and extras is what matters and he does that.... so there was no need for him to cancel your trip and give even extra money to her for the child.
parents need to take care of their minor children and yes they should come first to some extent, they are after all children, BUT in this case I think your BF is telling you loud and clear you will always be second fiddle to this child of his....
I think that it was wrong of him to cancel a vacation without even talking to you first..... it says clearly where you sit in his life.... lower than you should be as a partner...
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (9 June 2011):
 This sounds bad but you need to think rationally about it. For starters, he was gifting you the trip. He didn't owe it to you.
Think of it in this way. You buy someone a present and you haven't given it yet, and you suddenly realize you need cash immediately. Its an expensive gift and the quickest option is to get a refund.
Thats exactly what he did. It might seem like just clothes to you, but for him its important. It must bother him in any case, that he's not able to be there for his kid like a regular father, so anything that his kid wants, he wants to fulfill the need immediately and to the best of his ability. A vacation is a luxury, a gift, but attending to his child is a necessity for him. Thats why he cancelled your tickets. If you demand the vacation, it will be like demanding for a gift. And thats one of the two things you must never do, as regards a gift:
1.)Demand for it
2.)Look a gift horse in the mouth
Yes it was inconsiderate of him, if we look at it from your point of view. But for any parent, the child comes first. Thats the baggage that you will have to deal with, for dating a man who has a child.
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female
reader, totty-flossy +, writes (9 June 2011):
 I think your boyfriend was very selfish and inconsiderate to do this! Fair enough you will have to accept that his child will always come first and from what you have said it doesn't seem that the child "needed" new clothes, and if it did i'm sure the mother could of paid or at least gone half's!Especially with it being for your birthday and something you had planned, it seems really unfair for him to just cancel like that and give all the money to his ex for his kid! He could of just given her £100 or something and told her to put the rest towards the bill!! You need to explain to him that you understand that his kid comes first but that it was unnecessary to cancel your plans completely like that and without even telling you! Tell him it makes you feel completely unimportant to him and a bit worthless! If he cant understand this then you need to consider if this man/relationship is worth putting anymore of your love, time and effort into! If he is going to act like this all the time i dont think it will work in the long run because you wont be truly happy! xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2011): What? That's insane!I understand that money is tight for lots of us, especially right now... but that does NOT excuse this neglect! If he couldn't afford to give you this break, he could at least have made it up to you by making a huge fuss of you at home. It doesn't have to be expensive - he could have made you a cake, and cooked you a lovely meal, and spoiled you, and run you a bath with some nice foam for under £10! And then you wouldn't have minded so much waiting for a gift later on!It sounds as though your boyfriend could easily have come to some arrangement with his ex that would not have involved cancelling this trip. Or, he could have gone without something himself! When I was hard up for money for my bf's birthday present last year, I skipped lunch every day for a month and saved the money to buy him something! I'm not saying everyone should resort to such extremes, but the point is, there's always something you can cut - and it shouldn't be your partner's birthday!I would say this is a big red flag. It's not the present itself, it's the fact that he didn't think about your feelings or prioritize you on your special day - and then, when confronted, he spoke to you rudely! I'm sorry, but 'I do as I please' is NOT an attitude to bring into any kind of relationship: consideration of others is paramount! I wonder if this man really is worth your time.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (9 June 2011):
 I don't think you should have a say regarding this child's new clothes, it's only up to his parents to decide whether he really needs new clothes or not. By the same token, your bf could object you don't really "need " a vacation right now , you can do without, a vacation is an extra, not a must.
Said that, yes , I understand your frustration and disappointment, and he could have handled this more diplomatically ,apologizing, reassuring he's going to make it up to you in some other way etc.
I guess it boils down to a different perception of this purchase. For him , it's something regarding his priority ( his kid ) and therefore an emergency, so he expects you should understand without complaints. For you- reasonably- it is not an emergency at all and you resent having to make sacrifices ...for someone else's kid.
What to say ?... That's the downside of dating people with kids. It does not mean that he does not love you, or values, or appreciates you, it means that his child comes first and gets priority over anything else.
Appreciable, but hard to handle for any partner.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (9 June 2011):
 Sorry but it sure doesn't sound like you rank very high on his list of priorities. Maybe you should consider reassessing this relationship. Are you really happy in it?
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A
female
reader, blueskyday +, writes (9 June 2011):
well parents always wants to give there kids everything , it has nothing to do with his ex wife he just really loves his kid and wants the best for him,you also have to understand that his son will always be a big part of his life, would you happy if you had a father that was separated from your mom and your father denied you things and instead gave it to his girlfriend ? no of course not i think you just have to look from perspective but it does suck about your birthday but it's not where you go its who its with ;) so have a romantic eveing with him stay at home and just hang out
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2011): I'm sorry that he did that.He gave no reason so it is hard to know his motivation. It could be that he feels inferior to the wealthy husband of his ex-wife and wants to be well-seen by his son. Fathers who are not living with their children sometimes try to make up for this by giving material things.Having said that, I don't think he was being very considerate of you. He had promised this special trip and took it away from you, and from what you say didn't even apologise.I can't tell how you responded to him. You said you asked him why but I don't know in what tone of voice. Angry, upset, wondering... The thing is to tell him how hurt you were by it and that you felt... however you felt about him doing this. And take it from there. Hopefully he will then feel able to admit his reason(s) for doing it, which he seems defensive about, or hiding for some reason.You might also want to think about how he could make amends, if the conversation gets round to that. I hope he apologises and makes it up to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2011): I am sorry and no this isn't right. Maybe he just did not want to go with you and this was his way out? it all seems very strange too me.
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A
female
reader, bittersweetmemory  +, writes (9 June 2011):
 Well i'm quite sure he didn't really think of how much that would hurt you. I don't believe you're not important to him. But i do know that for some guys their child means the world. And you know he loves that child and he does believe her when she says he needs new clothes without a doubt. He wants to make sure the child is okay and has everything and anything and therefore he'd do anything for the kid.
I do think you should discuss this with him though. Try to tell him how does that make you feel and tell him you do understand that his child is important to him but you wish he'd consider you as well.
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