A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Here is my question: aunts, have any of you (male or female) ever taken a major risk in order to follow your heart? If so, what was the outcome? Do you regret the decision?And here is why I ask. My boyfriend's job has given him notice that he may be laid off within the next few months and it seems increasingly likely to happen. If this happens, he is thinking of moving back to his home country (Canada) because his visa here is contingent on him keeping that same job. When the job is over, so is his ability to remain here legally. He has asked me to go with him if this happens.We have been together for 14 months. We talk all the time about moving in together but neither of us has bothered to physically move furniture since we're always together, no matter whose place we're at. He's a great person, a sweet and loving partner, the physical attraction is there and everything. I've dated just enough jerks to know an amazing guy when I have one, and if we part over this I already know he'll be my "one that got away" and I will likely regret the decision the rest of my life. I know he loves me and is depressed about this situation, too. I love him very much, want to spend the rest of my life with him, and can't stand to think about losing him, but no matter how I look at it I would have to risk everything to do what he is asking. I am lucky enough to have gotten a job in a very competitive field here in America. (To give an example, 1500 people applied for the same job I did - the employer initially hired 20 and only kept 4, of which I am one. That same employer has not been able to hire anyone else in the past 3 years, though they accept applications and receive thousands every year.) My boyfriend has friends who are trying to break into this same field in Canada and they report it's similarly competitive. I think I could dare those odds again if it were just that, but it's not. Unfortunately for me, my training and certifications are California-specific and would not transfer if I moved there. I would have to start from scratch, a process that took me nearly four years here. Worse, hiring preference seems to be given to citizens (in some cases it's even mandatory) and the only way to start the citizenship process there is to live there for something like five years! At its entry level, my job is a young person's game and I would be 30-plus by the time I completed the training process all over again.Basically what I am trying to convey is that this is an either-or choice for me... there is no way I can move with him AND keep my dream job, or even remain in the same field. I am not trained to do much else so finding work there at all would be difficult.Has anyone here ever been in a situation like this? What did you do? ANY advice is appreciated.
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (4 March 2012):
Personally, I don't think it has to be this black and white. If you two truly love each other, him moving back to Canada doesn't have to be the end for you two. I suggest you dont look at it that way because you'll set yourself up for failure.
Why? because if you do give everything up, everything hinges on the relationship. Say the unthinkable happens: you go to Canada, you lose your career and you can't find a job. Then all you have left is the relationship, which will get strained in the long run. If it ends, you'll be left with nothing and you will hate yourself for making that decision. And the worst part? It'll ripple on and on in your life because you can never get that golden career opportunity back.
There is so much at stake here for you, (and not so much for him) I don't think this risk is worth taking. Also, like I said, there are ways to continue this relationship even if you stay in America.
CindyCares already mentioned several possibilities that could bridge the distance problem. It won't be easy, but if you two are really 'meant to be' it'll be worth it. It would also be the ultimate test, to see if your relationship really is that strong. Because if it is, you could get married eventually and the entire problem would be solved.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 March 2012):
 No one can make the choice for you... let me tell you my story...
we are not as young as you are.... but my now fiance gave up his apartment, his job and his friends to come move to be with me... thankfully I can support us until he finds work so we are not tight for money. It hasn't been that long so I can't say what will be in the future but so far so good.
My mom before i was born married my dad at 19... she was then whisked away from New York City to live in Germany where she spoke no German and knew NO ONE... dad had to do his military time... so 18 months in a foreign country with no friends... she made friends... friends they had for life...
they returned to NY and then 6 years later he got a job in Baltimore 4 hours away.... and he took his young wife and two small children and moved her to a state she had never been in, with no friends... no education and no job... and she made a lovely life for them here. I grew up in Baltimore and consider it home.
My brother gave up his career in one field and went to live in California with his now husband. They married when it finally became legal in CA to do so. he has switched to a much less lucrative field but he is happy. He never really sees the family any more but they have built a good life there.
It's such a personal decision you have to make here...
I don't know that I would have done it at a young age if I had a job and a career I love... and now with the internet and the ability to be in touch... hm....
not much help I know.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 March 2012):
 If it would be harder for you to find employement in Canada than for him to find employement in USA providing he had a visa, it makes sense that he's the one who should move.
Have you considered carrying on the relationship as temporarily long distance, until he can get another visa with another firm ? Or maybe get a student visa ? or, if your story still goes strong after a while, and you still have the same feelings for each other regardless of the distance, you could get married and he could get a visa as your spouse.
But if you aren't looking that far yet, and you don't already see each other as being possibly " the one " - and the final,last one - don't even consider moving, don't even entertain the thought or toy with the idea. You can't think of vanifying all your past efforts, and jeopardizing
your career and future, for the sake of living a nice romance for maybe just a few more months.
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A
male
reader, Beingblack  +, writes (3 March 2012):
 Hold on ladies, there has to be some 'male' perspective here! We fellas have tough choices to make too.
On either side, there is massive risk involved, both with your career choices and the relationship itself. Having experienced this very same issue in the past, I only have bad news I'm afraid.
Women (generally) like to stay in the family vicinity, maybe because they feel more comfortable that way. Women who move a considerable distance from home for love do (generally) seem to regret that decision.
At this moment, I know you feel that this man could be 'the one who got away', if you dont move with him, but I'm not so sure. It is YOUR career that should be the top priority, not his, or what you currently believe is love. People change, you will too, so the person you are right now could be a million miles away from the person you will be aged 30. The same applies to your boyfriend.
But what will not change is the expertise in your field. If you have that knowledge now, you will always have it, if you are living the dream right now, then continue to do so until your career changes, or you choose to change it. Out of 1500 people, your are in the top 4, that tells me a lot.
I had the chance to play college football in the US, at Florida State, and I took it, leaving a wonderful girl behind in the UK. She begged me not to go, I begged her to come with me. Do I regret it? I did at the time. But not these days, I have been with an awesome woman for the last 20 years. I wouldn't change a thing. The UK girl was one of mine 'that got away', but I live my life with gusto and passion, and so should you. The life I would have had with her cannot compare to my life right now.
No matter what you decide, it is YOUR life, and the only person who can make it work well for you, is you.
I would stay put, and you WILL meet a man who blows your mind. Don't blow your career. You've worked too hard for that.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (3 March 2012):
 You can take a poll here and ask people if they followed their heart and what the consequences were, but in the end its you who has to go through this journey alone. Its not an easy situation to be in and its entirely upon you to decide. What does your Bf say? Sure he wants you to go with him but what does he expect you to do there?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2012): If there's a good chance you would be able to get your old job in california back in the future if you needed to (like if you moved to canada and really couldn't get a job there), then I say sure go ahead and move to canada.
But if it's unlikely you can get your old job back - if you have to compete all over again with 1500 people for 4 slots and don't have any advantage for having been selected the last time and had some experience under your belt - then I don't think you should move to canada for him. You've worked too hard to be where you are, it's highly unlikely that you can repeat this in canada, that you shouldn't just throw it away so soon unless you actually didn't like the job itself.
In this second scenario I would advise that you look at his moving back to Canada as just a temporary situation. Yes you will be long distance for awhile, but make an agreement that it won't be permanent. He can work towards finding another job here and get his visa again. or, he could become a student again and stay in this country on a student visa while job searching.
it's good to follow your heart, but you still need a back up plan. the last thing you want is to follow him there and over time become resentful if you can't get a job there and feel that you threw away your hard earned career for him. Even though you would be giving up your career for the relationship, you're not going to be focused on the relationship 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. So you need to have something else going for you in Canada, besides just him. otherwise you may become too focused on him and the relationship which is not healthy.
I've seen women give up their jobs and careers to be with their significant others (this is even before getting married or having kids), and be unable to find work at the same level as the career they gave up. And as a result of their dissatisfaction they become hyper-focused on the relationship because (a) without any other source of satisfaction in their new lives, the relationship is all they have so what else they gonna do all day except think about their relationship? (b) they blame the boyfriend/husband on hindsight for their predicament and feel that now they are entitled to having their hb/bf be "perfect" to them to compensate for them sacrificing their job/career.
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A
female
reader, katiekate +, writes (3 March 2012):
 I say go for it. Jobs are replacable, true love is not!
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (3 March 2012):
 My mother has forsaken her career objectives and her country to be with my dad and she resents him and herself to this day. We all get to listen to her bitterly rant about it once in a while. :) All the women that I know who have moved to a different state and away from their family and friends for a man have regretted it. Most of the relationships also failed and they moved back to their respective home states.
The real question is: do you want to uproot your entire life and forsake your dream job to follow a boyfriend? Will he have a stable job when he's in Canada? He has to provide you with some financial stability as you won't have a job when you move to Canada. Is he willing and capable to do that? Honestly, he is asking for A LOT. I wouldn't make those type of sacrifices without at least a ring on my hand. That should be the bare minimum.
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