A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I are very much in love, and we plan to spend the rest of our lives together. We are extremely close and get on very well. However, I recall him saying that a girl that he used to date last year became his best friend (they stopped speaking 6 months ago, but she sent him a message yesterday saying she wants him back as a best friend) - I know that they spent loads of time together, laughed insanely together, constantly having fun - and I know he was crazy about her. Thinking about this kinda upsets me, as I don't think he sees me that way at all - even though we get on very well, we don't have tonnes of "in jokes" like they used to, or mess about like they used to, so I don't think he considers me a best friend. What are people's opinions on this? Should I ask him about it?So I want to know, if there are any ways we can start having more fun, instead of lazing around watching films - any ideas?
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male
reader, Uncle PJ  +, writes (9 March 2012):
 This slightly comes down to how long you have been together? If you've only been together for less than six months then it's definitely natural to feel slightly annoyed and even more insecure. I'm not entirely sure approachable he will be on it if you felt you need to confront him about it. Telling him it was an accident like you've told me should be fine enough, plus if he's got nothing to hide he shouldn't overreact.
If you've been together for longer than six months then it may not be such a big deal. Yes it was wrong to probably start a relationship whilst still feeling for others, but he has and has obviously had his feelings for you grow. It's very unlikely that both of you properly 'loved' each other at the beginning as feelings need time to grow which they have.
As for Facebook, it's a very bad tool in a relationship. I would be careful with it, lots of things go on there and many things can happen because of it.
But I'm sure any feelings he had for any girls at the start of your relationship have ceased as his feelings for you have uncreased. If you feel you need to talk to him about then do it with caution, with everything else that has happened he may perceive it as you checking up on him. We both know you aren't doing that but you will to explain that to the fullest. Again, hope this helps and good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI told him how I was feeling, and we properly talked it out which I think was the best thing. The past few weeks have been hard as aaa few things in his past have been resurfacing, as I've said, but i think its better taht they are out in the open.I have one final question! This is going to make me sound terrible, but a while back, I was at his place and he'd left his facebook logged on. I went onto messages, thinking it was my account, and then saw one of his. Basically, the night of our first date he had messaged a girl saying he still had feelings for her (she had a boyfriend). Then a week after our first date, and 2 days after we became officially boyfriend and girlfriend he said to her yet again that he still has feelings and can't switch them off. Also, someone else asked him that day 'do you still think about her' and he said 'yes'. This did bother me, as this was after we became official - if it had been when we were still dating, it wouldn't be much of a problem.How should I take this?
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male
reader, Uncle PJ +, writes (8 March 2012):
Are you feeling insecure about him liking her or about having sex with him? If it's the first, I wouldn't worry as he's with you and only has eyes for you.As for the second thing. Sex needs be communicated about. You both will enjoy it more when certain things happen. If you're worried he won't enjoy it as much then you will be extremely nervous. You should never compare yourself to anyone else and I doubt he will either. You just need to relax and let it happen naturally. Talk to him about what makes him feel good, or experiment and find out for yourself. And you can then do the same, tell him what you like etc. But the main thing is, don't worry about it too much and definitely do not compare yourself. Everyone has different techniques and as he loves you I'm sure he'll enjoy yours more than before.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes i totally agree with you. I am a lot happier now that we've sorted things out :)
One other thing is bothering me (lol one thing after another) - I asked him who his first time was with (I'm his 2nd), and its a girl that he regularly plays tennis with and BBMs occasionally. He did tell me his first time, he was drunk but he did really like this girl but it wasn't reciprocated on her end.
I guess I'm feeling a little insecure, cos I know how much he fancied her and she's extremely pretty :S
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male
reader, Uncle PJ +, writes (6 March 2012):
That's the problem with so many things in life. You just can't know, but you must trust. It's frustrating that you can't know what's going to happen sometimes but you have hope and trust and that is what must make you believe in him.
He has said he doesn't like her any more and doesn't to be in contact either. So again I'd say just to leave it now and try to move on the best you can. I appreciate that it won't be instant, and like many things in life, it's going to take time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe told me they met up as friends, they went looking at houses because she wanted to move. He said it was just friendship, but he did tell me the other way he still liked her a little at that point - I mean he was so keen to hold onto her, that he told her he loved her before our first date!
I want to move on, but I'm worried these little revelations are going to keep happening :S He told me the other day he had nothing else to tell me, when he did, so if he says it again how do I know he's not lying?!
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male
reader, Uncle PJ +, writes (6 March 2012):
Well there's two ways you can look at it. There's the way of, oh my god I can't believe he didn't tell me that and get really annoyed about it.Or you can be thankful that he is now being totally honest with you which allows you to know what's been going on. I understand it's a shock to hear things later than you wanted and you will probably feel disappointed and let down because of it.But maybe you can ask why he decided to see her and/or what they got up to. If he becomes all defensive then it would seem he has something to hide. If not it could bring closure on it all if he explains what happened and tells you that he won't see or talk to her again.Once that is over and done with, you should be able move on totally from it. Good luck and keep fighting, try not to let little disappointments cause strain on your life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm sorry, just had another revelation! We'd decided to move past it as I said, and yesterday was lovely, getting on better than ever.
But then today he texts me telling me how something he told me was incorrect. I had asked him if during the 3 weeks when we were talking he had contact with that girl, and he flat out said no. Today he texts me saying that he actually saw her once during those 3 weeks, he said he realised soon after he'd told me no.
I'm annoyed a bit again, I don't know why he didn't just say at the time when we were discussing it! Cos we'd decided to move past it and stop talking about her, but now he's brought it up again! I would've preferred him just not tell me that if I'm being honest, cos now I feel like every week there's gonna be something that he has to admit to, and she's always gonna be in our lives.
What should I do/say to him?
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male
reader, Uncle PJ +, writes (6 March 2012):
You're very welcome, I'm glad things are working out for you. I wish you all the luck in the future.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt was difficult to try and forget about it, I mean every time I think about our 1st date now I'm gonna remember that the night before he told another girl he loved her. But then I do understand, that at that point we hadn't even met yet so it is likely that he would've still had some feelings for an old flame. He told me that after we met, after that 1st date, he never thought about or texted her again so I hope that's true!
But I figure that's the past, and I know he's faithful to me now, so I decided to move on and go back to normal - I find we've become a bit closer after it, cos I think we aired out some topics that I had been worried about.
Once again, thank you for all your advice, it has been very helpful and made me feel a lot better about the situation :)
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male
reader, Uncle PJ +, writes (5 March 2012):
Your welcome, any-time.It definitely shows who he wants in his life then and it certainly isn't her. That happened a long time ago now and he probably didn't have as stronger feelings as he does now for you. It's understandable that you were upset and it probably started your jealousy of her and thought that you had competition.
But yeah it was the right decision as you're now in happy relationship with him and enjoying it. I wish that this continues for you as you deserve it for being such a nice person. Now that he has ignored the other girl completely you shouldn't have any worries about him as he is all yours.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your help. He did block her off facebook, and I do believe that he'll never speak to her again. I did find out last night, that the night before our 1st date, he had told that girl that he loved her - we had been emailing for 3 weeks before this, texting, talking constantly and I thought he had really liked me, so when I found this out I was really upset. I chose to forgive him and try and move on from that - was that the right decision?
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male
reader, Uncle PJ +, writes (4 March 2012):
At least he has told her at the moment how he feels about her and told her about you. It shows where his priorities are and they are definitely in the right place, you.
A troublesome ex is always going to troublesome. But there isn't a lot you can unfortunately. It is a huge test of trust and sometimes it can come to breaking point. But as long as you have enough trust in him and make sure he knows what has in you, I'm sure he won't do anything to harm your relationship. Hopefully he continues to ignore her so you don't have to worry too much, but keep faith and continue to be by his side.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, I told him how i felt last night, and he told me he has no interest in replying to her again (he did reply briefly saying he had a gf, and they had a very short chat). However, last night she did message him asking him to add her on facebook. As far as I know he didn't reply, but I'm slightly worried that if she keeps messaging he will feel bad and reply to her (as he's too nice to ignore someone).
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male
reader, Uncle PJ +, writes (3 March 2012):
I know you want your relationship to be more jokey like their relationship was. But to me it sounds like you two are more intimate which sounds like you are more serious than those two were. Which is obviously a very good thing. I think the long distance thing makes you this way as you wait nearly two weeks to see other and are just thrilled to be in each other's company so you just cuddle and have a really romantic time together. Which again must be great to have.When it gets to a stage where you are able to see him more often, I'm sure you will have more jokey times as you will have more time to do it. I think it may do you good to forget about her and focus on your relationship without looking over your shoulder. How does he feel about getting back to being friends with the other girl? If he is quite keen to do so and you feel like they end up getting closer again then I would begin to worry. But for now, it doesn't sound like you're in any competition so you have no need to feel like you are. Again I hope this helps. I wish you a very successful and happy relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your advice. They weren't together longer, me and my boyfriend have been together for 4 months but with that girl, they knew each other for just under 3 - however for the majority of it she decided they should "just be friends" even though he really really liked her the entire time. They also saw each other more often, as me and my boyfriend are doing long distance, so only every 2 weekends but I think he saw her a couple times a week. She did really mess him around, gave him hot and cold signs. And last week, she sent him a message saying she "wants him back as a best friend" so I'm scared he's gonna realise how much fun they used to have together.Its important to me, cos I want us to have more fun as well - with her they were constantly joking around and being upbeat, whereas with me we have more relaxing times, cuddling or just watching tv together. Its not constantly fun and jokey with us. We see each other every other weekend as i said, since we don't live near together, but we speak every single day.Yeah I guess I am jealous, cos I know how completely crazy he was about her and how much he pursued her when she wanted to be friends (even though I think she just wanted attention). I know that he is with me, but tbh I think he would've still pursued her if she hadn't cut off contact with him! Then he wouldn't have met me, and now she's wanting him back so I guess I'm scared he'll take the opportunity.Would it be best to try and forget all this?
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male
reader, Uncle PJ +, writes (3 March 2012):
Being in competition with an ex is never a healthy mentality. It would be advisable to not compare yourself to his ex as you are probably very different and are having different relationships.
If they were together for longer than you have been with him then they're bound to have the 'in jokes' and when you get to that length in time I'm sure you will have some 'in jokes' of your own.
You can ask him about it if you really wanted to. But why is it so important to you? If it is the competition thing then it could potentially involve bringing the ex into the conversation and that usually doesn't end well.
How often do you spend with your boyfriend? If it's pretty much all the time or not far off, then you could probably safely say that you are indeed best friends. This can also be determined by comparing how long you spend with each other and how long you spend with your respective friends, again if this answer is more then you can probably say you are best friends.
I do think you have a slight jealousy towards his ex which may stem from a little insecurity about losing him. That is perfectly natural. But you must remember that it is you he is with and not her, so you must be the better girl. Hope this helps.
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