A
male
age
41-50,
*tupidGuyOhyes
writes:Please help?!I met this girl a few months ago on a dating website. Anyway I totally fell for her. I'm in love with her. She totally blew me away. However there has been a few situations. Please let me explain. I have on 3 separate occasions caught her using this dating website. She told me she was sorry and the last time she told me it would never happen again. Anyway last night she told me that I couldn't see her this weekend as her ex was coming over to stay. I didn't say anything but my body language told a different story! She kind of got angry and told me to chill out saying nothing was going on. She said I was being 'controlling'.But get this. - She told me he was coming over because he's going through a tough time with his partner. He's always cheating on his partner. He's quite a sleazy guy. Her exact words. This did not fill me full of confidence. I told her she could see who she wanted and have whoever she wanted staying over. I told her I was cool with it but I'm totally not. Am I overreacting? What should I do? It's totally tearing me to bits! Thank you for listening.
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male
reader, Tommy Crue  +, writes (1 October 2012):
Dump her. She is OBVIOUSLY unfaithful.
A
male
reader, hopeless guy  +, writes (21 September 2012):
If she really respect u as her partner..she should at least gives u the confidence that u need in her..who will ever trust a person whose ex is staying over at the person's house?? Unless the person has a very integrity and will not ever cheat..if not most probably they have certain hidden motive why they allow the ex to stay in the house and not scared the person partner will get jealous. And why must She visit dating website when she already have you?? Something is very wrong because your gut feelings tells you. You should rationale her motives stop using your feeling to love her and condone her actions. Anyway her characters already shows that she not gonna be faithful to you. So don't commitment to her anymore..all the best!!
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (1 September 2012):
 Not overreacting, underreacting. I do not care what anyone says about "being secure in yourself and you wouldn't worry", bullshit. You don't have an ex come and stay with you. And you don't try to get away with whatever you want by accusing the other person of being controlling. She is an untrustworthy person. She was using dating sites THREE times while you were together.
You told her it is fine and she can do what she wants while you really dislike it. I don't ever agree with saying you are okay with something when you aren't. You should be honest and open at all times in a relationship. You shouldn't be sitting at home upset while she has her ex over at her house, pretending as if you are fine because you feel you "should be" fine. It isn't controlling to stop such behavior, It is being a naive fool to allow such behavior.
Allowing someone to do as they please while you are upset makes you a doormat. Allowing her to lie to you 3 separate times about being on the dating site makes you a doormat. You need to set this relationship straight or expect to be walked all over and most likely cheated on. She will probably leave but good riddance.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (31 August 2012):
 Um...I'm with the others. I don't know you're history (I don't recall coming across your posts at any rate) but the dating sites was reason enough. Now the cheating ex boyfriend. No, I don't think so.
This woman is just not quality material. I'd send her packing. Better yet, send her back to her cheating ex boyfriend. What is that saying about water seeking its own level?
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (31 August 2012):
You have asked questions about her here in the last 6 weeks or so, correct?
If you have, it is now time to break up with her. You have given her more than enough chances and she has given you no reason to trust her at every turn.
Please, end things.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (31 August 2012):
Dating sites? Cheating ex staying over? Her telling you you're angry and are controlling?
One word - Dump.
You're her boyfriend, not her pet.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (31 August 2012):
 not over reacting at all...
personally if it was me I would say Sure your ex can come visit US.
if she wants to keep you and the ex separate... she's got ulterior motives with the ex.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (31 August 2012):
 No you are not overreacting at all. Honestly she does not sound like girlfriend material at all. She is on dating sites and lies about them (what is she doing on the dating sites) and she is inviting over exes to sleep over, which is bad enough on its own, but this ex is having relationship troubles because he cheats, AND she has the audacity to get angry at you!
I think you should cut your losses and find someone more committed than she is.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (31 August 2012):
 Hi
Personally I would not trust her as far as I could throw her.You have every right to doubt her over this coming weekend. Sounds a bit one sided,your relationship I am afraid and she is still looking whereas your not.
I would back off and keep your options open, or set her free.Sorry, its just how it reads to me. x
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (31 August 2012):
 I don't really think you are overrating either.
I think that it's nice she is being honest about it being her EX, she could have lied. But really that is the only positive thing I see.
Can you imagine dating her seriously, and this guy keep popping up because he is screwing up his own relationship constantly?
She seems to like the idea of being this guy's anchor. Now she may not want to touch him sexually with a 10 foot pole, but she wouldn't hang around this EX if SHE didn't get something out of the deal. She might claim that they are now great friends and see each other as "siblings" or whatever, but once there have been sex between people you can't always be good friends later. The intimacy can make it a little wonky. With that said, some people ARE able to be friends with exes without drama, but I think it's rare.
Also, I don't think she is as invested in you, as you are in her. If she keeps going back to the website it means she is STILL looking at her options, which means... she will see you til she finds "better" or she isn't 100% sure of the relationship yet. Which I guess, isn't totally unreasonable since it's ONLY been a few months.
And dude... don't tell her you are comfortable with something you are not. It doesn't make you the "cool" BF. Be honest, tell her you don't like the idea, but that you will trust her (or something like that) that way she knows that you aren't keen on it but at the same time you are willing to trust her. If you know what I mean? It's like a vegetarian saying oh it's cool to go to a steakhouse, I can just eat the breadsticks... When if fact said vegetarian can't stand the sight of meat. Always be honest about how a situation makes you feel, but learn how to word it in a way that you get your point across, with out telling the other person what to do.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (31 August 2012):
 No you are not over-reacting at all. She is having her 'sleazy ex' to stay over in her house, just the two of them. And you know she cant be trusted as she keeps breaking her promises and going back on the dating site - it is pretty clear what is going to happen when he comes to stay!
Sorry but I think you are wasting your time with this girl, if she genuinely loved you and wanted to give things a proper go with you then she would have closed her dating site account ages ago. And she definitely would not have her ex over to stay! Meeting up with an ex who you are friends with for a coffee is acceptable, him staying over in your girlfriend's house is 100% not acceptable.
It is up to you what you do next - at the end of the day you know you cant trust her as she is on this dating site still, probably talking to other men and maybe even meeting up with them. I did this once to a guy who I was dating, I was still on and off the dating site looking for other guys. Why was I doing this, despite having a great guy who really liked me? Because I wasnt sure about him and didnt see myself with him long term, so I was looking for another option basically. You can kid yourself all you want that she has stopped going on there now, but unless you search for her profile and see it has been deleted, then you can never be sure that she has stopped looking for other guys.
So you have a girl who cant be trusted who goes behind your back looking for other men, and now she is spending the weekend with her ex. I really dont think she is as into you as you are her. She doesnt seem to care much about you - when you are in the early stages of dating you should be trying to impress each other all the time, spending all your time together and enjoying the honeymoon phase. Not shrugging off your new boyfriend to spend the weekend with your ex.
It is your call what you want to do, but if I were you I would put an end to this now and move on, she is only going to end up hurting you.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (31 August 2012):
 Are you over reacting??..in my opinion...no you are not.
This girl has you dangling on a string and she absolutely knows that you like her so much that she can treat you as badly as she wants, because you won't ever quit on her.
The way she is treating you is more like a back up rather than a boyfriend that she loves and respects.
You caught her on a dating site and she apologised...so why did she do it again twice over?...because she isn't absolutely sure that she is 'into' you as much as you are 'into' her and she is hedging her bets.
As for the ex 'issue'...there can be only one explaination why she would allow someone she considers a 'cheating sleaze' to stay in her home (without you there)...because she is still not over him.
I am sorry you fell so hard, sometimes it's unavoidable and really super hard to step away when someone starts treating you like crap...but step away is what you must do.
Why has she treated you like this?...because she is more invested in what she wants than what you want and if you continue to allow her to trample over your feelings, she will always do it, until she gets bored and finds someone else...she's looking already, that's why she's still using a dating site.
Put yourself first, recognise that things are NOT as they should be and saving the situation is almost certainly out of your hands...
You can cling on and sink further or let go now and find someone else more suitable.
Not everyone with a pretty face and perfect credentials is a good find...some people are quite rotten on the inside and will treat you badly if you let 'em.
Chin up, life goes on.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2012): If you & her are in a committed relationship then I think you are totally justified in objecting to this guy staying with her.
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