A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:We’ve been dating for about 15 months. I am 27. My gf is 26.We attended my friends’ wedding. I know both the groom and bride. My gf came along as my guest, but she didn’t know neither of them. The wedding was ending since other guests were leaving. I wanted to stay for about an hour more to talk and have fun with the groom/bride and other mutual friends. My gf wanted to go home because there wasn’t anything left to do. I wanted to stay. After a few minutes, I conceded and left, but feeling upset. A few of my friends asked why I was leaving so early since they were going to get together to continue the celebration at the restaurant. I just responded that we have to go. During the wedding, I drank half a shot of hard liquor and also half a beer. I was having a headache but it wasn’t too bad. I wasn't drunk either. I didn’t intent on drinking more but rather just stay to socialize.Before leaving, I gave my suit jacket to my gf so she can wear it. While walking to the car, she kept complaining that she was cold. We went into the car, and I turned the heater to maximum and she was still cold. After driving for a few minutes, the car was getting too hot. I asked her three times if we can reduce the heat. My body was starting to sweat, and I was feeling very, very uncomfortable. My feet were getting hot. She KNOWS very well that I can’t tolerate heat well. My request to turn down the heat was responded with the “But I’ll be cold.” Somehow, I think this was intentional but I can’t think of a reason why. Maybe it was retaliation or a show of control and power or she was in fact cold. After the third times, she responded “If you want.” After which, I turned down the heater.She knew that I was upset. She kept saying that next time don’t bring her along. She proceeded to ask if I want to be friends instead. I said no. And she kept asking why. My only reply was no, but I didn’t give her an explanation. She was teasing me, intentionally pushing my button. I ignored it.I dropped her off at her apartment. She didn’t want me to take her into the house, but I insisted. Once she was in, I left. While driving myself home, my headache was getting worsen. I wasn’t drunk at all, but my headache was getting pretty bad. I think it was the heat that exacerbated the headache. I got home and went to bed right away.I was still sleeping. My gf called me early morning asking if I was coming home to visit her parents. I usually come with her and her siblings on Sunday but not always. I said no because my head was still pounding. She then told me sweetly that I should stay home then and get rested. We hung up. After about 30 minutes later, she called again. She started to berate me for “breaking my promise with her mom and her” because I couldn’t even call to tell her that I won’t be coming because she had been waiting. The problem is that I never promised her about visiting her parents for that date. Not once. In fact, a few days earlier, her mom called and asked my gf if I was coming. My gf responded to her mom that she didn’t know. I was in the kitchen, and I heard the conversation. She only assumed that I would come. And then she proceeded to say “that we can still be friends.” Later that night, she called again. She wanted her apartment key back. I said okay. Today is Monday. She called again to see if I was feeling better, and I said yes. She reminded me to return her key again and said that being friends isn’t bad. It seems every single time we have a big argument; she always wanted her apartment key back. This has happened at least 3 times in the past. After a while she would give it back to me. She also threatens passively by asking if I want to be friends instead or that we can still be friends. I am tired of her threats. It’s basically emotional blackmail.I am supposed to give her key back today after I get off from work. I was instructed that I can give the key to her or her sibling. I said that I would rather give it to her directly, in which she agreed.What should I do? I am going to ask her when and how I promised to visit her parents. I am not sure what else to do after that. I felt as if she has no empathy whatsoever for my headache. It was as if the visit to her parents was so much more important than my well-being.Thanks!
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drunk, emotional blackmail, teasing, wedding Reply to this Question
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female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (4 October 2011):
 DO you fish? Have you ever caught a fish that was not regulation size? What do you do with it? Toss it back into the water and give it time to grow.
Sorry, but this girl is a high-maintenance, passive aggressive princess with all her mind games.
Do not ask for an explanation of what happened with the parents or the war of the heater control. Hand her the key and say "Sorry I dissapointed you, but we will not be dating any more. I can not meet your needs as a bf, and I doubt I could as a friend."
Make a polite, calm and DIRECT exit. Do not answer her calls, texts, etc. Leave her be.
There are more considerate fish in the sea!
Psst: Future awesome dating tip. Put a nice, warm, lightweight blanket in your car for the next girl who gets cold! Now that winter is approaching, when you pick up your date, ask "Do you have a coat? Its chilly".
Considerate date? Yes! Doormat? Nope!
A
female
reader, Nime +, writes (4 October 2011):
 While I agree with you, CindyCares, 99% of the time, I gotta disagree on the cold person being in the right. If you're cold it is much easier to warm up immediately; you can jump up and down, tap your feet, tense your muscles, grab a blanket, put on a sweatshirt, rub your legs, etc. If you're hot there is nothing you can do but turn up the A/C. I also think it's much more uncomfortable to be too hot than too cold, and also more dangerous to be too hot if one is driving because the heat can put you to sleep.
As for the OP's girlfriend, she is definitely a control-freak and sounds like an explosive personality type. It's clear she likes to 'set her boyfriend up' in situations so she can feel victimized and righteous when she later blows up. This girl is a ticking time bomb.
See the way she called you to see if you were coming to her parents' when she knew you had a headache and probably wouldn't? "She then told me sweetly that I should stay home and get rested." That was the set up. From that moment on you were fucked. Your girlfriend then simmered the next half hour while letting a righteous anger build, both hoping you would call to apologize and hoping you wouldn't. I guarantee you if you had called before she did to apologize and say you'd changed your mind she would have gotten angry anyway 'because it's too late' -- but the real reason would have been because you foiled her right to an explosion. But you didn't call and her explosive process carried on as she'd expected; by the time she called you back she was feeling so high on being righteous and victimized that she exploded in her way and delivered her threat to breakup. The funny thing is this threat to breakup is ANOTHER set up. She has no intention of breaking up ; you are her puppet.
If you stay with this girl you'll be on an emotional rollercoaster of guilt, threats, and explosions. You will be walking on eggshells constantly. I would tell her to get lost.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 October 2011):
 Yeppers she needs to be given her key and told "you're right just friends" and you need to walk away from her.
I'm ALWAYS cold. my bf is ALWAYS hot. It's easier to put on a sweater or blanket than take stuff off. We keep a blanket in the car for me... seriously... he keeps the car as cold as he likes and I snuggle under my "car blankie"
She's not being considerate in that way.
As for staying at the wedding, she may have felt uncomfortable but she should have sucked it up...
Calling you back when you feel bad, that's just mean.
yeah... go give her back her key and tell her you are done.
and mean it. BUT be prepared for her whining and begging you to come back to her.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 October 2011):
 The best action line to use with blackmailers is always... zero tolerance.. Particularly in this case where taking a hard, inflexible stance won't cause any bodily harm to anybody :) .
If already 3 times she took her key back,only to change her mind right away, it means that she has not learned yet an adult way to handle conflicts, and it's more interested in "being right " that in getting along. A bad trait for a partner, so maybe it's really time to call it quits, because this is her M.O. and won't change anytime soon.
BUT : said that, you too would benefit from learning to be a bit more flexible and esaygoing. You sound a bit a " my first in all cases " type of person too...
Like, after the wedding, why your wish of staying longer should have necessarily prevailed over her wish to leave ? She came as your GUEST, she did not know anybody, it's normal that she 'd want to call it a day as soon as possible, why your enjoyment should have prevailed over the wellbeing of a GUEST of yours , whom you are supposed to take care of ? When you invite people, you are supposed to make sure they are fine and comfortable. Otherwise, you could have chosen not to invite her, not to bring her along, and you would have been free to stay as long as you wanted.
Ditto with the car scenario : sorry, arbitrary as it may be , etiquette says that who's cold ...is always right. Same as when you travel by train. Maybe she was faking being cold, but you cannot know so you must assume that she IS cold and be corteous.
All in all,it sounds that both of you are rather opinionated people and not very good at compromising or taking turns, so probably you are not best suited to each other.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (4 October 2011):
 She is plain immature, used to getting her own way and is not ready for an equal relationship. Wanting to break up at the drop of a hat, wanting her key back and then giving it back to you, initiating mindless arguments just to get a reaction out of you....this is just plain silly and immature and extremely irritating. Of course she had no empathy for your headache; she was pissed for whatever reasons of her own and wanted to make life miserable for you too.
This is emotional blackmail. Its also a way of controlling you and hurting you to make her feel better. The more she berates you, the better it makes her feel.
Its not worth handling this relationship any longer. Not only would like daily drama continue, it will get worse with time. She is used to getting her own way and that's all that she knows. You will have to constantly swim against the tide and it will take its toll on you.Some people like getting into arguments or making things difficult for others, just for a lark. They have no good reason for it, its just that they have nothing better to do.
Call it quits and give her a taste of her own medicine.You will be much better off without her. Be prepared though, for a deluge of hysterical calls, bitter text messages and a volley of insults. And dont ever get into this "friends" business. You cannot go to being "just friends" right after a relationship.
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A
female
reader, HoneyComb +, writes (4 October 2011):
She's acting selfish and controlling you ... it will continue to as long as you allow it. Stop playing this game and take control back. When she tries to give her key back tell her you'll knock from now on. When she talks about being friends only, tell her maybe she's right then give it a rest. If she wants to leave a party early, be respectful. Tell her you wish she would stay out with you, but if she prefers to go home you'll drop her off and come back to the party. Call her bluff ...and she'll change her tune!
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A
female
reader, Nik9 +, writes (4 October 2011):
To be quite frank you should dump her now. She is trying to have complete control over you. She controlled when you left YOUR friends' wedding when she was merely a guest, she controlled the heat in the car, knowing it made you uncomfortable, and now she is trying to control you in apologizing for not coming to her parents house when you didn't even promise to come. She is a control freak. Obviously.She doesn't care about your well-being. She doesn't care that you wanted to stay with your friends at the wedding. She doesn't care that you were over-heated. She uses the threats of taking her keys back and "staying friends" to control you. She wants her way no matter what. I say dump her. She will probably come begging back for you. 90% chance. She's probably all talk, since it's worked in the past she'll continue to do this. And dumping her will put her in her place.If she tries to get you back you should give her an ultimatum. Tell her if she wants to be with you that she needs to stop trying to control everything and see things your way for a change. You deserve better than how she is treating you. I can relate because I'm the same situation with my boyfriend. I'm still with him because I'm an idiot, but I know I should leave him. I feel your pain. Please do what I cannot with my controlling bf and leave her. It's not worth your time. And believe me, it'll get WORSE.
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A
male
reader, Sephiran +, writes (4 October 2011):
I had a girlfriend just like yours - she ended up cheating on me just to upset me.
Don't waste time, just break up with her. Don't deal with her crap anymore. You won't regret it.
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