A
male
age
41-50,
*oogie4
writes:I found out about a week ago that my live in GF has an STD. She did not tell me, I found out. I found medication that she's taking, that she never told me about.I did confront her. Naturally a fight ensued, and the house is tense now.My question is this: Do I stay with her or do I take my chances on breaking up with her and finding someone new?I think what gets me the most is that she knew she had this STD and still had unprotected sex with me. She told me she it's been hard to tell me because she was embarassed and didn't want to lose me.However, I now feel like she gave me no choice. I'm going to get tested next week...but what do I do regardless of the test results? Do I break up with her for not being honest and exposing me or do I try and work it out with her?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2013): There is a difference between getting a cold on a bus and getting genital herpes. When you get a cold from someone on the bus it is not partially to blame on your choices, it does not increase your risk of HIV transmission in the future, it does not last the rest of your life, and it does not affect every future partner you will ever have.
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female
reader, hotredhead  +, writes (15 July 2013):
 Wow calm down imagine how terrified his girlfriend must be feeling. When you get on the bus do you announce to everyone that you have a cold? No! It's only considered a big deal because it's in the nether regions. So my question do you love her? Can you work past this? Get yourselves to the clinic and get some advice there's more to a relationship than sex!
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2013): In the United States; if you have a known venereal disease that can be transmitted to another person, and you infect that person, you can be prosecuted. You are knowingly jeopardizing the life and health of another person.
I'm glad this law exists.
I think it is irresponsible and selfish to have sex with someone knowing you're positive for herpes or HIV, and you don't tell them.
In fact, it's cruel. That's not being judgmental. That's a fact!
Before I committed to my last relationship; my partner and I got a full battery of tests for STD's. We went to the local LGBT Health Collective, and got our testing for free. We shared our results on the spot. You can't guarantee you or your partner won't stray; but you know from the beginning if they're hiding something you should know.
Whether you're in a high-risk group or not, and you plan to commit to a monogamous relationship; get tested. It's best to know.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2013): Got Issues:
If you're not having an outbreak and you don't 'think you'll pass it on' do you still tell them?
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male
reader, MikeEa1  +, writes (9 July 2013):
 I have herpes and have been having unprotected sex with my girlfriend for a year. She has not caught it. In the beginning with went to a sexual health clinic to obtain guidance. of course you would abstain from sex during an outbreak and be a bit careful about symptoms. yes get tested and also make sure she doesn't have symptoms but don't go completely mad. If we broke up and she had herpes I would be devestated but we are careful.
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female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (8 July 2013):
 I'm one of the "judgmental posters" and I have herpes type 1 (I get cold sores around the mouth). It is not contagious most of the time but I absolutely tell anyone I'm going to be kissing if I think I might pass it on. A healthy adult is not going to die from herpes, although it's painful and unsightly and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but in rare cases it has killed people.
Yes, there is a lot of stigma surrounding STDs but if you have one you need to take responsibility and tell and sexual partners about it so that they can choose whether to take the risk or not.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2013): Condoms don't necessarily protect against herpes.
40% of adults are positive for herpes.
I wonder how many of the judgemental posters on here have got herpes? 40% of them, anyway.
If you are prone to coldsores (herpes) on your mouth, do you tell someone before you engage in kissing?
Your girlfriend was wrong to hide it from you, but have some compassion here. It's obvious why she did it.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2013): To everyone:
I must point out that condoms do not adequately protect against Herpes spreading. Nothing does.
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female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (8 July 2013):
Absolutely dump her. Her actions are beyond something that you could work through. She was dishonest, disrespectful, and endangered your health. Not only did she not tell you about the STD (which is only right considering you are her sexual partner), she even had unprotected sex with you knowing she had an STD. Even if we allow that she was embarrassed about the STD, she could have had you wear a condom so that at least you would be protected. But she didn't, which shows a selfishness and disrespect for your health and safety.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2013): I cannot believe that there is a response on here that doesn't say you should dump your girlfriend. The majority are right. Leave her. We're not talking 18-year old girl for whom I could understand (if not accept) the embarrassment thing. But this is simply not on. It doesn't matter WHAT the STD/STI is, despite what the female anonymous poster said. It's an infection. Therefore there is some risk of you catching it. It may be minor. It may be a serious life-threatening one. Either way, she believes it is OK to risk your health. Nice woman.
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male
reader, boogie4 +, writes (8 July 2013):
boogie4 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for the advice it is very much appreciated. i wanted to add since so many people asked which STD it was, its herpes type 2.
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male
reader, MikeEa1 +, writes (8 July 2013):
it makes a difference what std it is. if she was not infectious when she had sex with you I would not be so hard on her. you should talk to her about it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2013): Depending on what it is everyone might need to get a bit of a grip. Not all STDs are equally dangerous, and as we can already see from the comments the main problem with the majority of them is stigma. If it's not a life threatening STD then the STD itself for me wouldn't be a reason to leave, as for the lying, it's wrong of her but may be understandable. If you're talking about herpes for example, then if she is taking suppressants, and not on an outbreak her chances of passing it on are very minimal, it can be passed on asymptotically about 5% of the year but, with suppressants it'd be very unlikely. Also you have to bear in mind for STDs such as herpes and genital warts the only reason people care about them is they're supposedly 'uncurable' most people bodies 'cure' it quite well you'll always carry it sure because it's a virus but you'll always carry chicken pox too. My point being unless she has HIV or syph she's hardly playing with your life here, and if she's taking meds she obviously is taking precautions to protect you although a condom would be ideal. It's probably out of fear she didn't tell you, however honesty is important so if I were you I'd talk it out with her to see to what extent her lie was selfish. Also as a heads up you ought to be using condoms with anyone you haven't got tested with anyway, because often people don't even know they have things. As for judging why she has an STD, it's not necessarily anything to do with promiscuity, it only takes one time. Good luck with discussing her secret, if the trust is broken and you do split try and be amiable about it, shaming her by telling everyone is hardly going to encourage her to be open about this in future.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 July 2013):
 Sorry, that would be a total deal breaker for me. Specially if she is in your age group (36-40) it's WAY past the age when you can do shit like that and then excuse it with "I was embarrassed".
I am curious as to which STD she had.
And yes, that relationship would be over for me, because what else is she going to hide?
Trust would be completely eroded.
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female
reader, Caring Aunty A +, writes (8 July 2013):
 Be that you’re certain this medication is for an STD and not a medical condition, I would hope that you be forthcoming with the reason why you broke up with your live in girlfriend, if you intend on finding someone new?If you decide to stay with your girlfriend, you’ll have to work out the other issue as to how she got this STD in the first place!? For more clarity; did she have this condition before you met or had this occurred during your relationship? Plus why hadn’t you asked these questions beforehand for your own peace of mind?Nonetheless her reasons of embarrassment and didn't want to lose you are inexcusable and criminal, she gave you NO CHOICE! Furthermore, I can’t see her logic in withholding this information and then exposing someone would keep them from running away!? Take Care – CAA
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male
reader, DV1 +, writes (7 July 2013):
 Get tested, then get rid of her. I wonder what else she's hiding. If she's got an STD, she probably has been sleeping around. I'd move on to a better girl...
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2013): My GF gave me an STD early in my relationship with her. I forgave her and let it go because she told me the truth as soon as she found out that she had it. I would not have forgiven her if she had done what your GF did to you.
I'm guessing its Herpes your GF has, isn't it? That sucks because there is no cure and its so common. Normal STD screenings don't even test for it because too many people have it and trying to explain how it relates to cold sores is complicated. The medical community chooses to ignore the problem and keep letting it spread.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2013): You know that she will hide important things from you, and she cheats on you. That's a good reason to dump someone.
She transmitted a disease to you, knowing you're having unprotected sex. Now think about that. Not only is she risking your health; but if she infected you, she would reinfect herself. She's not very smart; and she is likely to be having unprotected sex with someone who could have more than one type of infection.
I recommend that you get tested for hepatitis and syphilis, as well as HIV infection. That way nothing goes undetected.
If you can't trust someone, there is no way to maintain a lasting relationship. You are better off without her.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2013): Absolutely dump her! I've been there. What was so sad about my situation was it was my first time having sex and the bastard gave me an STD. I wouldn't have never known if I didn't have a scheduled GYN appt 3 weeks later. When I found out, he was dumped immediately! I could no longer Trust him. The sad part about it was that he removed the condom without me knowing it! I was inexperienced to know what it was he was doing when he claimed he was just adjusting it. Lesson learned for my part. That is something that is a deal breaker in a committed relationship. You can forgive her but not reconcile the relationship. They are two separate things. I wish you the Best. Sorry this happened to u.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2013): She intentionally sleep with you without protection KNOWING she has SDT.....basically she trapped you, If I were you I will SUE HER for CRIMINAL NEGLIGENCE that will teach her a very good lesson in the future...good luck
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female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (7 July 2013):
Im sorry that you have had this experience. she is a disgusting excuse for a woman and her likes give us all a bad name. it sounds as though you are living together, which means you have been together for awhile and so this STD is evidence she has been cheating on you.however regardless of her cheating or not, it is unforgivable to knowingly have sex with someone when a person has an STD. even if you used a condom I still wouldnt see the difference as some STDs can be transmitted from the pubic area. she knew she had this and she still had sex with you, it is a crime to do so while carrying certain STDs. I know you probably dont want to, but you need to dump her. if you cant trust her about this then how can you trust her at all? I think you should show her this post and the answers given. sorry again you have had this experience, she should be completely ashamed of herself. Good luck to you, I know you can do much better than this.x.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2013): It is the hardest, most awful, most frightening thing to have to tell a new partner. Telling a new partner you have or had an STD, is giving your relationship a great chance of ending. And your gf, was too afraid of loosing you. I do not believe it is a reflection of what she is like in any other circumstance. I believe you have to take this as a one off. If you can see this as one off thing, make your decision on that. However...1. If a new partner told me he had an STD, I would have to think very hard about whether or not I would stay with him. So, would you have stayed with her if you knew? Do you love her enough, that you would work through that. STD's can be managed, but it takes a lot of honesty and being very careful. 2. If a new partner tricked me like that, I don't think I would forgive them, because they put my health at risk, and they thought more of themselves, than giving me the choice I deserved. Knowing that I may not forgive them, would be what would end it for me. If you actually can work through to see her point of view, see her weakness, and forgive her, then it doesn't have to be a deal breaker.Unfortunately, this may just be the tough lesson your gf has to learn, so that next time she does the 'right' thing.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2013): Are you sure the medicine was for STD? Girls can have many problems down there, not all of them are STDs.If she really has an STD, where did she get it from?If she really had an STD and she hid it from you, then she definitely deserves to be kicked out of the house. But first do your investigation.
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female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (7 July 2013):
This is unforgivable. I don't see how you can stay together after this. Her excuse is appalling. I would break up with her asap. Depending on the STD she has, she could have committed a crime by knowingly having unprotected sex with someone when she was infected.
I'm sorry for you that you had to find out this way and that you have to go through the stress of getting tested. I really hope your test results come back negative.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2013): If she has aids and never tell you would you still forgive her. Seriously dude it's not even funny what she did to you, there's no girl in the world would want to be with an SDT guy if we ever find out. You should slap her for lying to you she's an grown a$$ woman not an 18 year old.
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male
reader, Illithid +, writes (7 July 2013):
 Sad to say, but people tend to be consistent. If she didn't tell you something important that put your health at risk, then what else isn't she telling you or what other risks down the line would you be willing to let her for hide from you? If she gets pregnant and aborts, would you like her to never tell you? If she sleeps with an ex or drunkenly with a friend, should she just pretend it never happened. If she hasn't got the character to be honest with you, then you have to decide if you can live with never knowing what she's hiding. If that's good enough for you, then make that decision knowing she'll never be completely honest with you.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 July 2013):
 I am aftaid this can't be worked out. Her omission was an incredibly selfish and reckless act.
" I was embarassed " is an excuse that does not even begin to cut it, it is so lame that's not even funny.
Iamgine if she had had something contagious and dangerous, potentially LETHAL if not diagnosed immediately .Like TBC. Or leprosy . And she hadn't told you because she was embarassed . What then, she is embarassed ..and you die ?
Yes I know that my example is very extreme and improbable. Still the concept is valid- this girl thinks way more about her feelings and your convenience than abouth your weelbeing, how can she be a decent partner ?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2013): You can't stay with her. It's the ultimate betrayal. She put your life at risk intentionally because she was "embarrassed". Unforgivable.
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (7 July 2013):
1 - Get tested. (You're already doing that, but I thought I'd just make it clear)
2 - Dump her. However hard it must have been for her to tell you, she absolutely should have done. I wouldn't be with anyone for a second longer if they knew they had an STD and didn't tell me. You shouldn't either. She has put you at real risk because of her actions, and whilst she may have had her reason of embarrassment, it simply isn't good enough. If you can't trust her over something like this, you'll never be able to trust her over anything.
So, in answer, you're better off ending it with her. It would have been a totally different situation had she told you, but she made a conscious decision not to, and that's just not acceptable.
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