A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I don't know how to say all this without coming out like an asshole but please hear me out. My girlfriend keeps pressuring me to go down on her because she goes down on me but I really don't want to. I've tried it before with several girls (including her ONCE) and I've come to the conclusion that I don't like it. If a girl says she won't have anal sex or go down on a guy he's supposed to respect that and not argue with her He's supposed to shut up and strap on a condom on HER say-so and he doesn't get to have a say whether she's on birthcontrol or not even though it makes her bleed at screwed up times, makes her smell funky, causes her to grow facial hair or lose her sex drive. Oh, and the guy is supposed to back down when she doesn't want sex. I'm not saying the guy should have all the say so (he shouldn't) but then NEITHER SHOULD SHE. See, I already don't pressure her for sex even though I really, really want it. She won't have it with me because she doesn't like it. She claims it hurts or just feels like friction but she won't even try, she just lays there like a dead fishAnyway, I don't like how pussy tastes, even right out of the shower the smell of the girls I did it on before made me want to gag. I mean, I had to keep coming up for air it was so bad and when I tried it on my girlfriend right out of the shower, I disliked the odor and texture on my tongue. She also said I was pushing too hard with my tongue (yeah, I was trying to get her off quickly) she sait it hurt. So it wasn't good enough anwyay so why even bother? I really don't have anything against her or women in general but I don't want to lick something that tastes that way and when I finger her (and yeah, the other girls so it isn't just her) sometimes it's GOOEY, like white snot. It's gross. So yeah, I really don't like p*ssy unless it's sex. So why does that make me an asshole? How do I get her to respect that I don't want to do that and that I'm WILLING to pleasure her through sex but she pretty much negated that. I mean, she's making me the bad guy all around. How do I do this without being the bad guy short of forcing myself to like p*ssy? I mean, would you really advise a girl to force herself to have sex or have anal sex if she didn't want to? Seriously. She's the worst about the whole going-down-on-her thing. I don't wnat to do it. I've tried it. it was gross.
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female
reader, peteloevely  +, writes (7 February 2014):
 If she won't have sex and you won't have oral sex what are you two doing together?Ignoring your passive aggressive rant border lining in political correctness whiles explaining to us how gross women are, but been careful enough to remind us not to call you and asshole because it your opinion and you cannot help the way you feel... I will say this everyone has the right to have their needs met so don't be angry at her because she wants to get off and your penis just won't do. Which is not a shock, because reading how you feel I would say you don't like her very much. And how can you arouse someone sexually if you hate them.No she does not have the right to force you and you should explain it to her, you don't want to and that's that. But don't go on about how disgusting you find her because I don't think you would like it very much if you found out she won't have sex with you because she thinks you in your own words gross'' If you express your feelings so outwardly expect to hear other people's feelings too, even if they feel you are an asshole.
A
female
reader, agneeman  +, writes (2 February 2014):
 You don't have to do it. It grosses you out.
I don't think you two are right for each other.
By the way, I know she is being difficult about the head thing, but sex does hurt. Penetration is really painful if the guy does not know how to talk to you to get you wet. Work on not being a clumsy lover because you are competing with some amazing men out there who do care how a girl feels.
Also as for the birth control saga, you did sound like a jerk there... I really want to give you the benefit of the doubt for being frustrated... but mate, therr are two of you in the bedroom, it's not just your needs
To be fair I'd like to add that if you don't want to gp down on girls uou tell them that before they go down on you so they can choose if they're ok with that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2014): You're right. You shouldn't have to do anything that you don't want to do.But to be honest, it sounds like you hate vagina AND women.And I'm not sure that any woman would be with a man who found her lady-parts repulsive when there are millions who love touching that area in anyway possible.For me, about 50% of pleasure I receive from getting oral is the physical stimulation, and the other 50% is from seeing how much my partner loves doing it, and how turned on it makes him.You two are seriously incompatible, and although you are young, I'm not sure you'll be able to overcome this issue.There's just some things you love, and some things you hate.Also, birth control is and SHOULD be completely her choice as she will be the one having a baby.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2014): You sound like a very bad lover, honestly. You wouldn't even touch her with your fingers???!!! So, there is no foreplay. You just stick it into her? This is what I would call a really awful lover. And you call natural lubricant that comes out of a girl vagina when she is turned on snot? If I were your would just stay away from women altogether. You obviously don't like anything about vagina: smell, look and fluids. This is what it comes with, all these attributes. It's not just a hole that you stick your penis into. Then you are sayinG that you are willing to please a woman? How, I wonder if you don't want to touch her down there? Only your penis inside of her won't do the trick. Some suggestions here are ligit, maybe you even have a different sex orientation, it's very much sound like it.
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A
male
reader, Gauntlet  +, writes (1 February 2014):
 That said, the attraction-repulsion problem is not as rare as one might think, both for men and women.A very famous case is the John Ruskin's one (cf: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Ruskin#Marriage_to_Effie_Gray ) who married Effie Gray, a beautiful woman, but never consummated his marriage with her (cf: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Effie_Gray ).In a different way, there are a lot of problems too regarding the fact that many people do LOVE sex when in need, but are TOTALLY grossed by any sexual activity afterward, a strong abhorrence that usually lasts... until the next craving.
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (1 February 2014):
You're absolutely right when you say you shouldn't have to perform any sex act you don't like. That is your right, just as it is the right of every other man and woman in the world not do do something they don't want to. However, your girlfriend also has the right to refuse to accept that. As many other aunts have pointed out, penetration alone does nothing for a woman, so if that's all you're willing to offer (since touching and oral gross you out) then she's well within her rights to find someone else who will satisfy her. It's also worth pointing out that if you refuse to partake in any real foreplay, that probably explains why she hates sex and just lies there. Without being turned on and adequately lubricated, sex for a woman is actually pretty painful and far from enjoyable.
Anyway, that isn't actually the issue I have with your post. The real problem is the near hatred you seem to have for your girlfriend and all women for that matter. You seem to hate the fact that women have some of the power when it comes to sex and you seem to be trying to punish them for it. You also seem to be completely turned off by everything to do with the female body, which suggests maybe you are not attracted to women? Apologies if that's wrong but it comes across that way. I mean do you like anything about sex other than your own orgasm? Why do you do it if a woman's vagina is so repulsive to you?
I'd have to agree with those who say you should end this relationship as you are obviously not sexually compatible. I'd also lay off sex altogether for a while until you find the idea of it less disgusting.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (31 January 2014):
You guys are totally sexually incompatible. Time to move on.
My opinion is that you actually should push yourself sexually... If my wife wanted me to do something I wasn't comfortable with I'd just give it a shot knowing that it'd make her happy (as long as it wasn't painful or risked our relationship).
Being with someone, or being someone who's sexually frustrated is no fun.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2014): it is a well known fact in the medical circles that there are more germs in the mouth than there is in the vagina so really there is a high chance that she will get infected from your mouth than the other way round. though I advice all ladies who are likely to get oral sex from their partners to thoroughly wash and apply lots of perfume to eliminate any risk of smell. maybe sprinkle some powdered sugar also to taste sweet. I am joking.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2014): You're not the only one, It ain't my cup of tea either. I think its actually disgusting how anyone would want to get their mouths around an area of the body that's used to pass bodily waste, let alone stick their tongues in there...yuk!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (31 January 2014):
 I won't jump on your case, because I was a picky eater as a child, and giving a guy a BJ was an acquired taste for me as well. You're also young, so you're inexperienced.
The vast majority of women DO NOT get pleasured through sex. Telling your girlfriend that you're willing to pleasure her by intercourse alone is like her telling you that the only stimulation you will get is if she fondles your scrotum and never touches your shaft. Could you have an orgasm if only your balls are touched and your penis ignored?? The vagina doesn't have many nerve endings. The clitoris is the equivalent of the penis in terms of sexual gratification for a woman.
What worries me is that you sound like you hate your girlfriend. You're caught up in some power struggle, criticize that you don't have a say about her being on birth control, call her a "dead fish", and are pissed that you have to use a condom even though she *is* on birth control.
You have some serious issues. If you don't care about your girlfriend, you should break up with her. Another guy would KILL to have the chance to go down on her, and would consider her smart to take charge of her own birth control.
Comparing going down on her to anal sex isn't valid. The proper comparison is her going down on you. Sorry, but if you're accepting blow jobs from her, it's a fair request from her to want the same. Anal has to do with pain and the potential for anal fissures and tearing. Your semen is just as snotty as anything coming from her, and a woman's nose is assailed by a guy's smells down there, especially if it's at the end of the day and there's sweat and gunk and funkiness going on down there.
You can do whatever you want, but your penis does not pleasure a woman. If you're averted by a clitoris, consider sex toys, but I feel sorry for your girlfriend that she was unfortunate enough to have a guy like you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2014): If you don't like it, don't do it. If you both don't get pleasure from it, what's the point? You're quite right, women don't have the exclusive right to decide on what's acceptable and unacceptable in the bedroom. They do decide if it's going to happen to their body.
The question I have is,how can you expect something sexually from someone else you can't offer them in exchange?
Rather than attacking you for not liking it, I can only say you can't expect your girlfriend to accommodate you; if you're not doing everything she likes.
Sex is very important in an adult relationship; and there is always going to be a particular sex act that one partner is going to want that the other may or may not like to do.
In fairness you compromise. If it's something you find completely objectionable; then a considerate partner simply just doesn't ask for it. That's not the case here.
If it is only the taste you find objectionable and not the act; you can always place a small piece of plastic cling-wrap over it; and she can still feel all the sensation through it. You can also use a dental dam over the vagina, and you'll still be able to give all the tongue-action she enjoys; and not have to deal with the taste or smell that you claim to be so gross.
As for taste, flavored sex-lubes and sweet-tasting sex oils have been around since before you were born. Go buy some.
I think you are incompatible sexually as a couple; and your relationship will most likely end. That is, unless you come to a reasonable compromise. I think just a little creativity might work. Try my suggestions.
I am gay, and I don't swallow. I don't like having semen in my mouth. I'll do it to please my partner, and simply spit and rinse with mouthwash. I have had oral sex with women before ever having sex with men. I guess the females I had sex with must have been pretty clean. I didn't smell or taste anything I found particularly gross (we used flavored lube). I simply went through the motions to make her happy. I didn't find any pleasure in it then, nor would I now.
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A
male
reader, Gauntlet +, writes (31 January 2014):
I do feel the word the most exact among everything that has been said here is the Euphoric29's word: overridden.Her explanation of how sex act is felt is perfect for your case. I think you are not like most men (and women ?) are, it's to say fairly sensuous (if not quite animalistic) when they are "in the mood for sex".For sure a lot of acts would be pleasurable if you could "stop thinking" and reach that "second state" that is so often sung in english, in french and in any language. People, when in rut, are "all sex(ish)" and it is commonly told that they "lose their mind".If you are not that type of guy (which is the same for some women) it may lead you to find sex activities gross, dirty (in the wrong way) and boring.The bad news: you have to become more "stupid" when it comes to sex. If you can't disconnect, you can't get it well.The good news: a lot of people are unable to disconnect easily, that's why they need some "tricks" to get in the good mood, music, alcohol and even drugs to tone down their inhibition. It's really common, even if many of them are not aware of it or won't admit it at all.The very good news: you are still young, and (1) have enough time to domesticate your own feelings (2) or to find some means to make your girlfriend's p...y tastes better (or just nothing) or (3) to start a new relationship with a girl that fits you better.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (31 January 2014):
 I don't think ANYONE should HAVE to do something in bed they don't like to do.
But I do think you are a tad immature when you mention how icky it is.. you think the GUNK from your penis is lovely tasting? or that musk scent from your crotch? Yet many women STILL give head.
Like Cerberus said, you are not compatible sexually.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2014): First off it's not the same as a girl not wanting to do anal sex. Most women can't orgasm from intercourse and for those receiving head is the best way.
It's about needs and sacrifice. One of this girl's sexual needs is to get head. I'm the same, I'm not happy without regular blow jobs so I don't date women who don't give them.
I married a woman who loves giving them and in return I'll gladly shove my tongue up her arse like she loves even though the thought of it disgusted me. I got used to it because I love her and anything I can do to pleasure her I will. My discomfort is a small price to pay to keep her sexually satisfied because she's an amazing partner when it comes to fulfilling my needs too.
OP, you're not an asshole or anything like that, you're just not sexually compatible with this girl. She needs something you can't provide, and she can't provide what you need either. Time to break up and find a woman who doesn't like being eaten out, there are plenty of those around.
FYI: It's gooey and snot-like because it is snot. It's the exact same type of mucus as appears in the nose.
It's simple, she's shit in bed and you can't provide for her most basic sexual needs. It's time to walk.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (31 January 2014):
Dear OP,
I agree with you that no matter what gender you are, you shouldn't do anything that you don't want when it comes to sex. So, that's for that.
Another thing I realized is that you're quite young and so is your girlfriend, probably. These are all new experiences for the both of you and so you find oral disgusting and she's laying there "like a dead fish". In other words, it really doesn't sound like either of you is enjoying the sex you have and it's not the way you both expected it to be. It's disappointing, weirder, scarier and uglier than you thought. I get that, really.. it was for me when I started. Real life sex is no porn movie where things just look fun and appetizing the whole time. When I'm "in the mood" I can do many "nasty" things while finding it really gross the next day, when I think about it. But I believe it's natural to feel some kind of disgust.. although it can be overridden by desire if you're in the right mood and with the right person.
To your question, how to do refuse oral sex without being the bad guy? I'd say, just be honest and consequent about what you want to do and what not. I agree with the others, be tactful and please don't say anything like "your p***y tastes bad". Because it may taste bad to you, but not to others, depending on their tastebuds, hormones etc.
Sexual incompatibility is important (not everything, but still) and if you both are so unhappy with each other, maybe you shouldn't be together.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2014): May be you are not into women at all? The way you describe a woman's vagina makes me think that may be you are not even heterosexual. Vagina for you is basically a turn off. What you describe as gooey is a moisture that female body produces when a woman is turned on. Thisis how female body functions. And to compare it with snots makes me think that may be you will have more fun with your own sex? Of course, no one should force you to perform oral sex on a woman, BUT for me not to have it from my boyfriend would be a big disappointment. Most men don't mind doing it all it actually turns them on to see the reaction of a woman. I am surprised that the smell even after shower is there for you. In a healthy woman after shower there shouldn't be any smell. At least not something so obvious.
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A
male
reader, devont +, writes (31 January 2014):
 I completely agree with llifton, it just sounds as if you're not ready for sex. Your post is quite defensive and you come across as immature. Generally, women find it hard to orgasm through penetration, so oral and fingering are an important part of sex and mutual enjoyment. If you're not prepared to work with your partner to help her cum, maybe you shouldn't be sleeping together. I do get what you're saying, that if she refused anal or spanking or whatever you would be an arsehole to force her to do it, but what if the ONLY way you could come was anal? Would you not expect her to maybe help you out? And if she didn't, would you not consider finding someone else that DID like anal so that you could get sexual satisfaction?If you desperately don't want to go down on your girlfriend, end it. I really don't think your girlfriend wanting to cum is an unreasonable request. Do you think your dick tastes like a lollipop? Bodily fluid is a part of sex, if you don't like it... I can only suggest not having sex. Hire a hooker or buy a flesh light or something to get your kicks.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (31 January 2014):
 You need to *TACTFULLY* talk to her about this. So dont say what you have said here, she will get very upset and offended.
Explain that you dont enjoy giving women oral sex, you have had this problem in the past and unfortunately you have not been able to get over it with her. Tell her you love her, that you love having sex with her and enjoying pleasuring her in other ways - but not oral sex. Tell her that you understand its disappointing for her, but you'd never want her to do something to you that she doesnt enjoy, so you hope that she understands you dont want to do this as you dont enjoy it.
And be fully prepared for her to stop giving you oral sex too - there are not that many women (I know there are some, but not many) that enjoy giving men oral sex, most do it with the view they will get oral in return. If the woman knows there is no chance of her getting oral, she probably wont want to give her man oral anymore.
I agree that if you were a woman most people would be telling you its ok not do give oral if you dont want to, so the same applies for you as a man - its ok if you dont want to. But you have to alter your expectations in return, penises are not exactly pleasant things to have in your mouth so dont be surprised if your girlfriend reveals she doesnt really like giving you oral sex either and there are no more blow jobs for you.
Equality is important, and no-one regardless of their gender should be forced to do sexual acts they dont enjoy. But remember if you want this equality in your relationship, you have to be fair in your expectations of what she will do for you - in sex you do often give to receive, so the giving on her part will probably stop if she knows she will never receive.
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A
male
reader, GRIFF TANNEN +, writes (31 January 2014):
 "I don't like eating pussy" "I've tried it. it was gross".
WTF?
Good lord, after reading your post I ask my self, how can you be so disgusted by the most beautiful species (women)on planet Earth???
Mate I am sure that in about 10 years time you will regret that you ever said or thought about not liking pussy!
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (31 January 2014):
 And if you were a woman, I'd say the same thing. if she found penises gross and didn't want to touch them, I'd tell her she wasn't ready, either. So it's not a gender thing.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (31 January 2014):
My personal take is that you're not ready for sex. Not a put down in any way. Just seems to be the case.
You're talking about everything being all oooey, gooey, and gross down there and not wanting to touch or see it. But that's a part of sex, my friend. believe me, sex isn't about all of a sudden jamming your penis in a few times and then being finished. Not at least if you want a remotely happy gf. No woman would be happy or satisfied with that crap. if you refuse to touch her at all, she will be unfulfilled. Just a reality.
A Woman is supposed to feel wet down there. it means you're doing something right and she's turned on. That's how women have sex without it being painful as all holy hell.
I don't know if you realize this or not, but sperm/semen is not the most lovely and attractive thing in the world. And I'll admit, neither are some lady parts. But when you're ready for sex and are with the right person, those things don't bother you at all. In fact, they turn you on!
So if you think touching a woman down there in many capacity except with your penis is gross, you're simply not ready for sex. Because mature adults who are ready for sex don't feel that way. Once again, not being a jerk - just being honest.
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