A
male
age
36-40,
*uheenath
writes:i have a relation with a girl since march 2011. after 2 months when she come to know that i love her, she told me that she is not virgin. she cried the whole night and told me that she was force by her ex-boyfriend when she was having a severe viral fever. so, please advice me how to forget that incident and to forgive her?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2011): So, let me get it straight. You think you are owed virginity? Think you can own people before you even meet them? You think you have the right to retrospective responsibility of some sort? Go right ahead and concentrate on techinicalities and miss out on the essence for all I care. If this girl was actually raped not only is your forgiveness not needed, but your presence around her with this attitude can be very detrimental to her healing. As a former rape victim I am simply appalled by your narrow mindedness. We have enough trauma and shame to bear without any 'help' thank you very much.
If she was not raped, my answer would have to remain the same. Get out of your box. Think for yourself. It is still her body and it is none of your business how she chose to use it before you came along. Grow up and stop feeling entitled to stuff just because you were born with a penis. Culture is not an excuse. You have a brain one assumes, use it. Question things, don't just accept them as facts because they happen to suit you. Having beeen born a man doesn't entitle you to any special favors and it certainly doesn't entitle you to pass moral judgment on anyone at all. In the mean time, stay away from this girl. She clearly deserves better than you.
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female
reader, Miss Real  +, writes (16 October 2011):
How dare you say such a hurtful thing.
Why should you have to forgive when sum1 tells you someting lik dat it stops being aabout you.
I am actually speechless. I hope god forgives you for that comment.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2011): I do hope for your sake that your girl friend can forgive you. Most girls would not forgive you for your unkind judgemental stance. Have you no Compassion in your heart?Is life All about You?Have you no Empathy for anyone? You do NOT deserve this girl.She is Far Too Good for you. Since you can only think in such a way that is so cruel and jealous . Evidently you have NO compassion in your heart. Maybe extensive counselling with a therapist might help, but you seem far too unkind to deserve a girl friend at this point in time.
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female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (13 October 2011):
 well if what she says is true and the ex boyfriend forced her into it, it should be HIM that you need to forgive. she has done nothing wrong in my opinion anyway, but listen, if you insist on your girl being a virgin, that is your prerogative. the fact is, is that she ISN'T one and never will be, so either accept it or scrap the relationship and look for a girl who is a virgin.
what you mustn't do is remain in the relationship if you find you find it too painful and you are punishing her for it.
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female
reader, Koala Bear  +, writes (13 October 2011):
 Again this is where LOGIC and RELIGION collide. The sad thing is you don't have a clue how absurd this way of thinking is. She was FORCED, it was NOT A CHOICE. It was AGAINST her will. It is pretty darn rare for a woman to be physically stronger than a man and prevent this from happening. She confided in you and you are too self righteous and judgmental to see pain she has gone through.
Honestly I really don't care to try and convince you of her innocence. SHE DESERVES BETTER THAN YOU. A man who would hold this against her as if she was a criminal is NOT worthy of her. I hope she realizes this and finds someone better. You're better of finding that "virgin" how is okay with being suppressed by you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2011): What do you mean forgive her???!are you insane?whether she was raped or whether it was consensual...she never knew that you will be in her future when she did that!at that point of time she must have felt he is the one.
seriously,atleast use your logical reasoning for once dude
what if you have sex with her now and later you guys break up due to something?right now she is yours..and to be really frank i dont think you deserve her..
only after the relationship begins she is yours..before that its her past!and you were nowhere in her past..who the hell are you to forgive her in a past that you didn't even picture??
if you wanted only a virgin and you yourself are one,then you should have gone in for an arranged marriage ,why did you fall in love?but nowadays even in arranged there is less possibility that you would find a virgin..because in our society,even though everyone wish that they could give their virginity to the one they are going to marry..the problem is you never know who that is going to be!for eg. before this when i was with my ex bf i thought i was going to marry him ,though we didnt have sex,we did other things ,when he broke up with me i got very depressed and now i am with my boyfriend of 2 years ,and he has given me the commitment of marriage ,right now i am sure that i will marry him and so we make love.but you never know what future holds..thankfully my guy is good.what if i were with someone who lied to commit and later left me??that wont make ME a bad person!
Its the heart which has to be pure,she loves you and has told you her past very clearly...but i dont think so your heart is pure enough because you you are courrupting her entire character just because she had someone in the past.
DEAR AGONY AUNTS,since most girls in india prefer to save for THE ONE,some jerks here dont reveal their intention to have casual sex,promise a girl to marry her,act like having a relationship,with no intentions of marrying..just to satisfy their lust without having to go to a prostitute..
they want to have their cake and eat it too!they want girls of normal standards to have sex with i.e not a prostitute or slut where they can get it easy.so they lie ...a very small percentage of men are heartless enough to do this and girls being romantic and susceptable to the promise of love, foolishly believing such men and end up being cheated.
Atleast in the western world where people are open about sex,if people want casual sex they make sure that the other person is clear about it,so that the other person doesnt emotionally involve and then feel hurt.
In our society a majority of 98% of the girls are willing to only save for her life long partner,%age of divorce is very less in our nation and people live with the same old mentality that they want a virgin ,even men who themselves are not one for that matter!the clash is that times have changed ..the western culture has brought in dating and love marriage ..so then ofcourse everygirl has a past!but mindsets have not changed in proportion with the culture ,even in relationships people expect that their gf or bf should be the one and only
the impracticality of this fairytale mindset from our culture (where originally there used to be direct and early marriage without other rel in the past and families arrange marriages and also contribute/support the couples to make it work forever),its only from the past one gen or so that love and intercaste marriages have come to be acceptable...so its a TOTAL clash of opposing mindset and reality..people are just not ready to accept that everyone has a past..leading to a lot of chaos and half baked culture..where we are stuck between neither this nor that..and because of men like this gentleman here,we girls end up feeling guilty because all men in india secretly wish strongly that their girl would be a virgin even though from outside many men dont admit it in the pretext of acting "modern"..this is really bad cos men like these would never be able to devote true love to their girl if she turns out to be having a past.Even my bf i dont think would love me as much as he does today had i not been a virgin.even if i have probs with him i am stuck cos leaving him..i have no guarentee to find a man who would love me after he knows im not a virgin.and i wouldnt want to hide my past plus im sure a guy can make it out whether a gil is one or not .
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male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (13 October 2011):
I'm not sticking up for the writer of this question but a lot of you have to understand that a lot of culture is very different in India. In many families, having sex before marriage is a disgrace. They can even look down on you for being raped because they see it as the duty of the lady to be mindful of people.
Ruheenath she will need to speak to her family and she must learn to forgive herself because it was not her fault. These things happen sometimes when we all are looking for love. You need to support her because this hurts her 100 times more than you may think.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (13 October 2011):
 What is it you want help forgiving?
what makes you think you have the right to JUDGE her?
there is NOTHING to forgive.
You were not part of the incident so how could you REMEMBER it at all.
as for forgiveness she did NOTHING wrong.
Personally I think the best thing you could do for this woman is to leave her and let her find a non-judgemental man...
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female
reader, euphrasia  +, writes (13 October 2011):
you know even if your girlfriend had sex willingly with her ex,it doesn't give you the right to judge her.if you love her this wont be an issue coz its in the past. "are you a virgin yourself?".if not will ask for forgiveness from your girlfriend.women were not meant as toys to be exploited by men.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2011): I am from the UK, but I do know about a story that you may like to consider and it is about a man who seems much more brave and selfless than you.Have you heard of Nasir Abbas Gabol? Nasir helped Mukhtar Mai, a Pakistani woman who was gang raped? She was raped by several men because a tribal council in Pakistan’s eastern province decided to punish her family for her brother’s alleged affair with a woman from a higher caste. The affair was later proven not to have happened. Mukhtar was brave enough to name her attackers, even though this meant that she risked being punished. Her attackers were subsequently convicted – only to be re-released due to a corrupt police syste. However the police officer assigned by the government to protect Mukhtar Nasir Abbas Gabol, realised that he loved her and was committed to fighting for justice. He asked her for marriage. Mukhtar refused him because she was ashamed of being raped. Finally, Mukhtar, who is now a women’s rights activist, agreed to marry him on, in her own words, “humanitarian grounds” and because “I never said that I would not marry…now that I have found a good man, I will”.Thus the couple broke with tradition, in Pakistan, that raped women are not worthy of marriage. If you have even a tiny bit of this man's bravery, you will stop acting like a heartless monster and realise that what happened was not your girlfriend's fault, but the fault of the horrible man who raped her without caring about her future at all.
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reader, N91 +, writes (13 October 2011):
 Surely this is a joke? She's told you she was forced to have saex, which is basically rape. And you're asking how do you 'forgive' her?
I know you're from an entirely different culture being from india and there's different viewpoints on things from western culture, but this is not something you 'forgive' even if the sex was consensual, she had a life before you, you don't own her, she didn't make a promise to you to have sex with you and only you.
You either deal with it, or you leave her (the latter being a stupid idea, as this question shouldn't have been asked). Stop being so insensitive, your gf obviously wanted you to know this, so appreciate that she told you.
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male
reader, HelpyMcHelperson +, writes (13 October 2011):
There is nothing to forgive her for, she hasn't doing anything wrong to you. The fact that she was forced by her ex makes her the victim here. Instead of trying to 'forgive' her you should be giving her love and support.
You are wrong in this situation and if you want to still be with her you should say you are sorry and not act so selfishly again.
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female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (13 October 2011):
 You don't forgive her, honey - you hope *she* forgives *you* for being insensitive and blaming her for what tantamounts to a rape.
Grow up - if you think there is something you need to forgive her for, she deserves better than you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2011): I agree with all of the other answers. A woman is not automatically something that you are superior to. She is not merely an object that you use for your own pleasure.
How DARE you ask how you can forgive her? Are you crazy?
What kind of a human being are you? One who totally ignores what another person has been through and how much physical and emotional pain this has caused her and thinks only of himself and how this might reflect on him?
You do not deserve her at all. As to asking how you can forgive her - you do not deserve to even look at her. If she were my daughter and she told me how you have treated her, there is no way on this earth that I would let you near her again.
Stop being so selfish and sexist.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (13 October 2011):
 Oh my lord. She got raped and taken advantage of by her ex (note...please note...he's her EX), which turned out to be pretty much one of the worst days of her life.
She may not be a virgin in regards to her hymen, but spiritually, mentally, intellectually, and emotionally, she *is*. She has never willingly given herself to another man.
Why on earth would you consider what she's gone through to be an offense you have the "right" to forgive?? Do you not love her? If so, why wouldn't her honesty to you cause you to respond by increasing your desire to love and protect her more??
If there's anger, let it be at the rapist ex, and not at her. She is INNOCENT. I really hate this sort of thing, because even now in some cultures, a woman who is raped will get stoned or otherwise brutally murdered due to an "honor" killing because some guy raped her and took her virginity. This is a crime against humanity for any family to kill the girl for being raped.
Bottom line -- if for one solitary second, you have to hold her past against her, you need to immediately let her go. She deserves a guy who isn't hung up on "taking off the shrink wrap", so to speak, and who will love her no matter what.
I know that virginity is everything in some cultures. However, that doesn't make it right to treat or devalue a woman who isn't, especially in these circumstances. The culture of love and compassion should unquestionably override any and all such prejudices.
She never lied to you about her virginity. Decide what you want to do. Follow what you've been programmed by society to think and feel, or think and feel for yourself and show her the love that her ex didn't.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2011): if you truely love her, you would understand her and wouldn't need to be coming here for advice. That just proves you don't love her enough
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male
reader, Tom Obler +, writes (13 October 2011):
 I would suggest that if you are looking for a virgin girl, then this is not the girl for you. If you feel you cannot come to terms with things how they are then you must leave her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2011): I can tell you from experience I was raped by my first ever boyfriend, and I can tell you that if my current boyfriend even tried to "forgive" me for this I would tell him to go to hell and find someone else because it's not something to forgive. She did nothing wrong and whatever happened in her life before you came into it does not require forgiveness from you, but understanding and support. Being raped is a very traumatic thing to live through, not to mention the violation that was done to her. I only hope that you are man enough to grow up and support the woman you love, and that you haven't said anything to her about your irrational need to forgive her for being a victim of crime, if you have said anything about it then I would think you should be concerned about whether she can forgive you for this. Support and love her, she has shown a great deal of trust in you, please don't prove to her that her trust was misplaced.
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female
reader, Battista +, writes (13 October 2011):
Your gf needs and deserves support and sympathy over this terrible experience. Do you think she actually enjoyed it? Do you think wanted it to happen? If you do then you clearly have no empathy or insight whatsoever. You are thinking of yourself in this situation, and how YOU can forgive HER. The truth is, you should be thinking of HER well being, and how you can help her get over this awful trauma.
Forgiveness has nothing whatsoever to do with this situation. It is not your right to "forgive" your girlfriend. You want to "forgive" her for being the victim of a violent attack which was against her will? Words (almost) fail me I'm afraid.
Can you not see that your girlfriend is a victim here? It makes me feel so angry to think that you actually want to BLAME your girlfriend for being raped. How do you logically justify that?
I think you are emotionally immature and not ready to deal with adult issues surrounding sex. I don't understand how you could make the connection between your gf being the VICTIM of a sexual attack and you needing to forgive her. Do some growing up and then think about getting into a relationship again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2011): Hello Dear
I really don't understand why you should forgive her in the first place???
She wasn't your girlfriend when she had sex with her ex,was she??
Obviously not,so whats the big deal???
Why does it concern you whom she slept with in the past?
Past is past.
And you shouldn't even worry about this.
My fiance has been with a string of women,he lost his virginity when he was 19 now hes 31 so do i care?
Now hes with me so that's it.
Get this thing out of your head about virginity and stuff.
No one is a virgin and neither you should expect them to be.
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female
reader, KittieS +, writes (13 October 2011):
 If your girlfriend was indeed raped, which is what you describe she doesn't need to be forgiven! She needs love, support, empathy and help from you and a proffesional.
If, she chose to have sex and later regretted it - again why does she need forgiveness? In today's society most people don't wait until marriage to have sex, it is the most natural thing in the world. Perhaps in your case religion/culture play an important part and you believe sex before marriage is wrong, this is not for anyone to judge as your beliefs are your beliefs and these should also be respected, if this is the case then you need to consider are you prepared to wait until your married and accept that she is not Virgin? If you really love her then you will accept this is in her past and you are her future.
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 October 2011):
 There's nothing to forgive.
You say that she was forced to sex while she was sick, so, physically weak, mentally not lucid, and in general not in the right shape to give her informed intentional consent. In other words, basically she has been raped- even if the act did not involve being physically restrained, beaten up or threatened.
Why do you have to forgive someone for an accident they habe been victim of ?
if she had been hit by a car, would you need to forgive her ? if she had been robbed , would you need to forgive her '
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reader, serenity80 +, writes (13 October 2011):
You should learn to distinguish between thinking with your emotions and using your logical brain.
The decisions you make in your life will shape your entire future. If you do not "get over" this issue then you will eventually lose her love and trust in you, and if you do marry, will end up living a terrible marriage.
If you can look at what happened to your girlfriend differently (person12345's reply) and be a better man, and love and support your girlfriend, you will receive love back and no doubt she will want to be a loving girlfriend and eventual wife to you.
You are the man in this situation, so take control and make her feel protected, respected and loved. If you don't, it will be you that suffers.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2011): This is my first time responding to a question - however to understand me - know one important thing - I'm boldly honest and have been been through most situations that I don't wish on anyone!
As a guy - I personally DO NOT want to know how many men my girlfriend (or previous) have been with. It is simply not my business because that is/was in the past. You have to understand something - you both may very well be in love and have an amazing relationship - but you have to remind yourself exactly why that is. In other words, think back to when you first saw her, felt her touch, and loved the company you two both shared. Regardless of whether you knew or not at those very moments she was or was not a virgin simply doesn't matter or apply!
Frankly, it's sad to think that you have to actually pose the question of "how do I forgive her" - what exactly is needing forgiveness? In rare cases, especially in today's society where sex isn't one of those "not until marriage" type of deals anymore (will explain in a minute). Whether she was (as someone mentioned above - raped) or was in love with someone else and made the decision to have sex you cannot fault her for that.
You need to accept that you are not the first man to be with your girlfriend - however if you truly love her - and you want this relationship to be the very last one you're in - then think of her as the last women (and she'll be yours) you'll ever be with!
It was always taught in religious aspects that you must wait until marriage, but it's very difficult in today's society. The pressure for teens and young adults is through the roof and the decisions people have to make are just plain difficult! My personal opinion is that sex is a very important part of a relationship - because sex is really chemistry. If the chemistry isn't their in all aspects and you find out after marriage then it's going to be a very long ride!
Support your girlfriend - because if you understand the word "love" then you would understand the definition - LOVE IS UNCONDITIONAL. You can love someone that you are close with - or hate. But regardless it seems as though you do have feelings for her. Help her through this tough time - she must be scared and feels alone due to the fact she saw your reaction. She must feel like the one man in her life that she felt a strong connection to doesn't love her like she though - the connection is gone - and feeling she might lose you. You need to convince her otherwise that she is wrong and you do care for UNCONDITIONALLY! Don't say you forgive her because as I've said - there is nothing to forgive. Rather just talk to her. Let yourself be her shoulder to cry on if she needs it and let her know that you are not the type of man to ever put any sort of pressure on her for sex. You want to walk side by side with her and if and when the time it right - things will naturally happen. All her to feel that she is wanted for all the right reasons. She needs to feel like although many men live up to the stigmas that society and consistent generations have made - you are one of the rare ones!
Lastly, my last suggestion to you is this. One of the first things I said was I never want to know how many men (or in some cases, women) my girlfriend(s) have been with is for this reason: Most men, and I feel you're in my shoes - want to think they are the first one "opening the package/gift - packing peanuts all over the place - slowly getting to see what's inside and finally having the ability to enjoy it all." I can accept my girlfriend(s) including my current one who I'm truly happy with has been with other partners. Those past experiences both good and bad she shared - including difficult relationships, heartache, etc. has allowed her to become an even more beautiful woman that I could ever hope and imagine. It's a good thing when you come across something rare. Don't make a small mistake of getting your personal thoughts that you're held to an unnecessary standard potentially ruin something great with a potential great relationship that could turn into something more. Being a man is difficult. But women don't get the credit they deserve for all the bullshit we men put them through!
Yours Truly, (Fig)
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2011): I understand what it is like to be a virgin waiting for your future wife and wanting a girl who is a virgin as well. But what happened to her was not like she chose to have sex, it was a crime against her. Don't get angry, get sorry and try to help her through this.
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reader, person12345 +, writes (13 October 2011):
 So your girlfriend was incredibly sick and was raped basically going through the most traumatic event in her entire life and you want to know how to forgive her? For something horrible happening to her that was out of her control? And probably traumatized her for the rest of her life? She was raped. She doesn't need forgiveness, it's not her fault or something she had any control over. Her virginity was basically violently stolen from her. Do you understand now? This is not something she had control over, it was a violent attack.
She doesn't need forgiveness, she needs support for going through something horrible and life-ruiningly traumatic.
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