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eddie
writes:Many times, we see questions asking for advice about marriage, monotony and fidelity. I tend to be cut and dry on this topic and often without compassion for the person struggling in this area. What bothers me most, is the ability of people to convince themselves it's justified to make a bad choice. There are always a million reasons to do the wrong thing but most often only one reason to do what's Honorable. We don't like to hear that though.When people marry, it's supposed to be for life. Many of us lose focus though and drift away from our first priority. There is really no trick to marriage or secret recipe for success. It's not easy and there are many road blocks and temptations along the way. People are often there to encourage us to make bad choices. Society also helps us to justify our desire to put our own selfish needs first. That is not love. Of course we have ideas and plans for self-fulfillment, that's necessary in life, the relationship though should be the priority. When the relationship is healthy and nurtured, everything else falls into place. If I said earlier that there is no recipe to being a happy couple, I was wrong. There is a recipe for success. A healthy relationship is the key. Boundaries must be set, goals defined and expectations understood. You need to be on the same page as your spouse. Most importantly, you MUST identify when problems arise and deal with them. Never let them fester or grow out of proportion, often creating resentment and justifying inappropriate reactions as a form of retaliation. It's so easy to justify our own needs and minimize the needs of our partners.Many people feel that once married, there will never be other temptations. This is nonsense. There will always be others who come along and catch your eye. This is normal and to be expected. If your relationship is healthy, these experiences will be nothing more than nice feelings or a boost to your ego. Once again, if the relationship is in tact, it's value will far outweigh any attention a good looking stranger offers. The problems arise when we stop concentrating or lose focus on the marriage. Work, children, obligations in general, start to creep into our lives and rob us of the time we had to spend with our partners. It's not intentional or planned but is often is the beginning of the the slippery slope to crisis. Quite often, we begin to feel less important to our spouses, as life begins to get in the way. Resentment builds and and festers. Many times the other spouse doesn't not even know this is happening as they're caught up in the routine that the marriage has become. This is not intentional but it is the reality. We compliment each other less, stop buying flowers or going out alone. That spark that initiated the relationship, starts to go out. In other words, we lose focus. We're on the slippery slope.The recipe comes together quite quickly from this point. Somebody starts to show an interest in your partner. Even if your partner remains faithful, the seeds is planted. They start to realize there is more out there in this world. This begins to sound enticing and the seeds starts to grow. Once again, it's not planned but just begins to unfold. The spouse can quite easily convince themselves they're doing nothing wrong because they have no bad intentions. That, in their minds, equals innocence. What they are doing in fact, is enjoying the attention that they once received form their partner, from someone else who's intentions are not honorable. It's human nature. People like people who make them feel good. From this point forward, every instance of cheating develops in the same manner. Compliments, attention, self-deceit, believing the unbelievable, thinking you can just be friends with someone you're attracted to, taking one step closer to crossing the line etc. So, the most important ingredient to a happy marriage is maintaining what you started. Marriage will always change and redefine itself. What is important though is to keep a piece of your mind in the era of when it all began. Don't lose that feeling you had when you first met your partner. Don't minimize the fact that when you first met, you went out of your way to do nice and unexpected things. Because, if you do, someone else will identify your spouses needs and try to fill that void. It happens time after time. It's easy to do if you never stop in the first place. It's almost impossible though once the marriage has crashed.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2009): i too enjoyed the article...and i will have to say i needed to be reminded of those things that i already know and believe. I think that its easy to not have compassion when you havent ever found yourself on that slippery slope... even if you dont slide very far...however you said some very insightful things. Thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2007): I love your articles. You are helping me without even knowing it so thanks for writing such wonderful articles, I am sure they help other people too.
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reader, Serinity  +, writes (28 September 2007):
 That is very good advice. I have a question for you though. What about in a situation where one of the parties is an alcoholic and has become controlling and verbally and physically abusive? Do you keep trying after two years? Two years of promisses to change, two years of forgiving, two years of an emotional roller coaster, two years of your children seeing you argue and fight. What do you suggest in a situation like this?
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2007): Eddie, you are a very articulate writer. I enjoyed reading this article very much, and found what you said to be insightful advice for my own marriage. Thank you for taking the time to post this article and share your views. It was definately a good read!
-RJGirl
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reader, angelica111  +, writes (22 June 2007):
 Hello Eddie,In going through mail from previous months on this site, I bumped onto your article of May 8th, about marriage and infidelity pblms. I'd like to give my opinion too, if you permit!Ok, you're very right indeed that one must keep fosus on why one has married the person one's with, and not forget the feelings or memories one once had in the beginning. True too that one must encourage the other person as so the relationship to work, and make time and space for attention and love to one's partner.Nevertheless, I thought it a bit inhuman not to have compassion nor understanding for those being cheated by their spouses. Often it happens that only one of the two is totally involved in the relationship, and this person tries very hard to maintain that 'love' feeling and exitement, and are often (in our western society, very often) disapointed that they are not on the "same page" as you nicely put it. They try as hard as they can w/out getting much response, or when they do, it's on the 'late' side.. (often after years of believing and hoping and maintaining the relationship; alone..)These peoples' feelings wear out. Love can wear out if the TWO do not do enough effort TOGETHER, constanty.For those out there that are suffering from this, so current phenomenon, what would you consider advicing??? No understanding or compassion? For those that are not on the same page w/ their spouse, would you only consider the utlimate thing, to separate??I just would like to state here that being a woman and having seen a lot of women suffer of this state during marrige of solving problems mostly on her own, and hoping and wanting it to work between her and her husband, it's a very common thing between partners, ALAS.The man in a marrige is really mostly happy with food and sex, and in rare cases a little more, but when it comes to more complicated problems and daily subjects or keeping up the romance, they do an awful bad job. THAT'S JUST FACT. Struggling in this area is; as a woman, and very few men too; a common thing, but I do feel a lot with these people. Because for me these people are true believers in what LOVE should be, but often do not recieve what they give.. However, I find these type of humans very couragous to believe in 'the better' of their spouse, and hang on in there. I do encourage these often very beautiful people to try and find other goals in their lives like a charity activity or helping out s/where as to get some gratitude out of life, if they can't get it from their partners after trying for so long. The spouse who doesn't invest as much as the other one, often will do so when they see that they are not the total center of the world anymore. When the 'nicer' more invested spouse has other interests and activities, that's when the less invested one 'comes back'!! It's not always a story of give and take, alas.I do not like this functioning at all, of strategies and do's and dont's between two people who love each other, and I would absolutely prefer it to be different, but I think it's better to know that in 95% of the cases this is fact. Well that's it for now!
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2007): You're a good egg, Eddie, great advice from someone who has lived it, and not just said it.
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reader, birdynumnums +, writes (16 May 2007):
 Nice Article! Very well said!
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reader, DearCupid +, writes (10 May 2007):
 Great article Eddie, thanks :-)
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reader, cd206 +, writes (10 May 2007):
 Well done, this is a fantastic article, so true!
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2007): Invaluable and very insightful information there Eddie, great work!
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reader, Jovial  +, writes (10 May 2007):
 well done Eddie this is good.
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reader, Cateyes +, writes (9 May 2007):
 So perfectly worded and so true...10 thumbs up!!!!!! Thanks for posting this to the site!!!!!
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