A
female
age
41-50,
*herly515
writes:Hi everyone. Have been reading the site because I'm just so lost right now.I ended things with my boyfriend of 10 months earlier this week. There have been some trust issues in the past which I guess is what led up to this. This past Tuesday his messenger was signed on at my house but he was at his home. I logged in to log in to my messenger and clicked the email. It was his emails that popped up. There were some responses from craigslist ads. In his trash file there were three emails that he sent to craigslist, one clearly to a couple looking for a threesome with 3 of his pictures attached. The other two emails I'm assuming were to females just with short messages to the effect of "i saw your add and were wondering if you would be interested in chatting". I was completely devastated. When I confronted him he claims he doesn't know how they got there. He claims that he signed up for a craigslist account to sell his tv(which he did) and that someone must have spammed him. This is a man who is soon to be 34.Well, I know that is not the way that spam or hacking works. A hacker is not going to go in to your email and email 3 separate emails to the personals on craigslist with different pictures attached, send them, place them in the trash bin of their email account, and then delete them. The week before I had also seen that he had been looking up escort services in NJ. I completely flipped out. When confronted he said he was doing it because he watched at Dateline, or a similar show, and they were doing a special on escort services and that the host said that if you google escort services in your area you would be surprised to find that they might be right in your own back yard. He made me feel horrible for thinking he would do something like that. Said that I made him feel dirty. I felt so terrible about it and beat myself up for days about it. Now I cannot help but wonder.I hadn't contacted him all week. For me it's done and over. Yesterday he contacted me and the emails back and forth started back up. Everything is turned around to blame me. All the fault is on me. I am nuts, etc. Yup, I have flipped out and said some not so nice things, but only after this kind of stuff happens. I don't get upset for no reason at all. He is still claiming that his computer was hacked. I cannot believe that he cannot not just admit what he did and apologize for it. I will not be contacting him anymore, as I need to move on from this. He has done other things in the past to break my trust, but again, all of that is my fault and I'm crazy. I guess I just need to vent. I would appreciate just hearing from someone. I feel completely horrible right now. I don't feel that I deserved this from him. I thought he truly loved me, and maybe in an odd way he did.
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female
reader, Cherly515 +, writes (9 September 2010):
Cherly515 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUPDATE-I have had no contact all week with him. I received 2 emails from him today. One saying "Im sorry that you felt hurt by me". Not at all saying I'm sorry I hurt you. "Felt" hurt. Still not acknowledging that he even did anything. The other asking if we could not be enemies because he still cares about me.
Just bizarre. I think it has gotten to him that I am not playing games and that I don't believe a word he says.
Thanks for listening.
A
female
reader, Cherly515 +, writes (7 September 2010):
Cherly515 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi You Wish,
Yes, I did check the IP information and they did match.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (6 September 2010):
 Did you check the full headers of the email with the pictures against an email verified to have come from him? Any change in the X-originating IP? If the email was "spammed", they would not match.
I'm guessing they totally match, meaning they came from his computer.
This guy was caught and is now being utterly pathetic.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (6 September 2010):
 @Flipper66 - spam with your own address in the from field is common. But these also contained attachments of a photo of himself! That seems inexplicable, or at least vastly less likely than the other possible reason: ie that he sent them.
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A
female
reader, Cherly515 +, writes (6 September 2010):
Cherly515 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone. I am feeling very positive that I am right on with this situation. One of the things he sent me, which I have not replied to, was a link to the cnbc human trafficing thing. This was in regard to the "escort" thing that I saw the previous week. That one I may have been off on as I had said I was not sure about that one to begin with.
I truly appreciate the support. No, I did not deserve this.
To Flipper (and anyone else that would like to comment). Yes, I do know that computers get hacked. That could be plausible in a good percentage of cases. The mails to the craiglist personals were three separate sent mails. He sent them and then placed them in his trash bin....so that he could delete them. You see, i think in error he sent them from that email address. Now I do believe that he probably has another email address that he uses, one that I do not know about.
It's what he did afterward that really showed me that it was him, and that he was planning his "excuse". After I resent the email back to him and he saw that I had seen it he proceeded to send himself about 30 emails to craigslist posts with the same verbiage used in the first one, for the threesome. The only difference is that there were no pictures sent with any of these emails. The first 3 original emails that he had sent had 3 of his favorite pictures attached to them. I don't even think that he was looking at the particular ads, he was just sending emails. I think this was so that he could "show me" when I got there this past Thursday (never did end up going) all the emails that had been sent from his account. Again, none of this happened until after I saw the original email, forwarded a copy to myself, and then sent it back to him.
In the past he had made comment on threesomes. Thought it was something of the past, when he was single, and a one time thing. And honestly, if you are single, do whatever floats your boat. I'm just not in to that kind of stuff and never will be.
Thank you again. Just wanted to clarify some things.
I appreciate the support.
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (5 September 2010):
As you say, a hacked computer wouldn't leave outgoing emails from him, with his photo attached, in the trash. No way.
It's a shame he can't come clean when his lie is so absurd.
It sounds very much like you've done the right thing in leaving him.
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A
female
reader, Cherly515 +, writes (5 September 2010):
Cherly515 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much. He has been getting very nasty in his emails to me. Still trying to convince me that he has no idea how the emails got there.
And the funniest thing (well really not funny) was that after I found the emails I forwarded them to myself and then forwarded one back to him.
After I did that, and he saw it, he proceeded to send about 30 emails to other personals on craigslist, however, none had pictures attached. I truly think his motive was to make me believe all his "I don't know how it got there" stuff and then he would show me the 30 emails and say "see, I told you I was spammed".
I just wonder if there is anyone out there that truly wants a loving adult relationship anymore, or if this stuff goes on everywhere.
I know not all men are like this, and that there are plenty of nice guys out there. Right now my confidence has been a bit shattered as I was a pretty good gf to him. He has a very serious spinal injury so a active, normal, relationship was not possible (yes sex was). I spent most of my time just being with him. We could only do things, rarely, when he was not in pain. I would have been there to help him through things. I don't think he truly knew what he had.
Thanks again. My feelings are exactly the same as yours. I just need to vent.
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A
female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (5 September 2010):
 You found the evidence in his trash bin, confronted him and he didn't like it so he tried to undermine your intelligence by concocting a story about hackers to get him off the hook. He's cleverly thought on his feet and twisted things to make YOU feel guilty and stupid and believe that YOU are the one with the problem... Bollocks!
The best thing to come out of this relationship is that you're now split up, you would never be able to truly trust this guy. Better finding out now than a few years down the line. Don't fall for his smooth patter, trust your instincts, they're usually never wrong!
~Eve~
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (5 September 2010):
Cherly, you did the right thing. HE IS A LIAR. Turning it around and trying to blame the accuser is a classic liar pose. His computer was hacked. He saw "Dateline". He was spammed and someone took his pictures out of his computer and emailed someone. He must have a low opinion of your intelligence if he thinks he can pull those lies off.
Stay broken up with him and cut off all contact with him. If he tries to contact you again, tell him you never want to hear from him again. You're 30-35. You're not a gullible pre-teen. He's chosen his porno-fantasies over you. Trust me, if he's looking for threesomes and escorts whie in a relationship with you, he's hooked on porn.
10 months is enough time to waste on a loser, don't you think? He is gum on your shoe.
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A
male
reader, FLIPPER66 +, writes (5 September 2010):
 i'm a computer tec and can tell you it is highly possible that this could be the case. sometimes its done just to get personal info credit card info /bank info and the such
besides craigs list is not all what its cracked up to be . yes at times its helpful but a hackers play ground.
ever receive and email from yourself that you never sent to yourself/ your computer has been hacked. also curoisity killed the cat (i'm not saying he did it deliberatly to score ) but possibbly just to see what would happen. being this stuff was in his spam folder ready to be deleted which happens automaticall every so often anyways without anyones assistance . uless he's just one of those neat freaks about keeping trash out of his emails in spam folder its possible he was unaware of them beiong there.
the main question here is or has he shown any signs he's no longer attracted to you. has he at any time given you any reason to question your relationship prior to this. do a google on "signs of a cheating" . then compare whats going on between you and him . its not 100% accurate but may give you a heads up or let you know that everythings ok also.
good luck . unless there are some things about him you've left out i would say in my opinion don't worry.
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (5 September 2010):
If it was just the one thing, you could have put it to you being "nuts" but from what you say.. seems like he is really bad news. When some people cheat (or are trying to cheat) if they are confronted about it, at least they confess! Not only is your guy lying but he is also turning it around to make you feel mad!
No wonder you feel crappy. It sounds cliche but you don't deserve being treated so badly.
Maybe this seems too simplistic but you managed in your life before him.. and you will do fine without him. Move on from him.. in our 30's we have grown past all this bullshit.. leave him and allow yourself to move on so you can find someone who is honest and wants to be in a relationship based on trust and respect with you.
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A
female
reader, SillyB +, writes (5 September 2010):
 Hey hun. I am soooo proud of you! See, alot of the time women end up rationalizing these things, telling themselves little stories to convince themselves they must be mistaken. And, if they don't do it themselves,then their guys do it for them - by calling their gf/wife nutty, by turning things around and acting offended, by saying she is paranoid and crazy.
You get the drift. Truly, you are looking at this in a very logical way - there is NO WAY that a spammer went into his email, attached pictures and send out emails to people propositioning sex. NO way. He's just using tactics which work on other women - guilt and anger, to try and convince you of this far fetched possibility that it was a spammer.
I'm impressed that you're not letting his argument sway you. You're being very objective and rational. It would be easier to just convince yourself otherwise and look the other way, but then you'll always have trust issues and you'll always be bothered by this. Its only been 10 months, not 10 years, so at this point it is easier to walk away.
Just be proud of yourself - you are a woman who respects herself, you didn't waste years with this guy who seeks sex else where and you put a stop to it as soon as you found this evidence.
Now, end all contact. Do not even bother with his emails or let him convince you that his story adds up. It doesn't and any dummy can see that. He thinks that you'll be like any other woman, but he's wrong. Just move on, ignore him and walk away with your dignity intact.
Keep yourself busy - surround yourself with friends and family all the time, pursue your hobbies. Join a dating website and date lots and lots, go with your girlfriends to single night meet ups, just keep busy and away from him!
Very proud of ya!
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A
female
reader, sarahrose20  +, writes (5 September 2010):
you have a very level head and are completely right one of the main causes in mental abuse is guilt because of unfaithfullness wat hes doing is a classic example of that you are very smart most women believe their boyfriends and doubt themselves had you done that he just would have eventually worn you down to nothing im so prowd of you :) you are a very strong person n you know wats right for you you trust your instincs thats a good thing
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A
female
reader, jodieleigh  +, writes (5 September 2010):
 you don't need anything like that! what a horrible person. don't blame anything on you he just cant stand to be caught. men are unbelievable. this is how they work. they would tell any lie to get out of the dog house. i do think he is sorry now and he did care because if he didn't .. he would of left you alone. but he's still at you. even if he's not saying sorry. just don't blame yourself because its not fair and you should not even give a second thought to this as your fault. you were meant for brighter days and you will find someone who will respect you. it'll happen. and congrats on leaving him. thats the hardest thing to do. its half the battle. good luck
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