A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I've been dating my guy for two and a half years. We got engaged around our two year anniversary and have set a wedding date. Since the moment we have gotten engaged he has been progressively more mean. We have had fights before, he would scream at me and hit walls. But now even the most simple disagreements he automatically calls me a "dumb fuck" on the top of his lungs and goes off. He has no fear of humiliating me in front of my family or his with his anger. I feel like I need to get out of this relationship because he refuses to go see someone about his anger, and he has had anger issues all of his life. I try to bring up to him that what he is doing is hurting me greatly and upsetting me everyday - and that I wish he would just stop saying mean things. Instead of trying to do better, he said he's not going to change and that I should just break up with him then. He has started to rub his money in my face (about finding a house together or starting a life together). He's a teacher with a steady income but its not like i am broke. I come from a wealthy family and have a lot of savings but no job at the moment. I'm a full time student and was encouraged by my Fiance to quit my job within the first couple months of dating him, because he didn't like the place and that I had to work weekends. I feel hopeless and upset. I cry many times a week because of the mean, nasty things he yells at me when gets mad. He says he can't control it. He's not mean to his mom or sisters but has no problem cussing at me or at my mother (called her a bitch loud enough so she could hear it). My family has been nothing but nice to him yet he still goes out of his way to talk badly about them. I used to think we were perfect for each other. Since being engaged things have changed, I'm lost and I don't know what to do! Any advice would be greatly appreciated, the more mean the comments get the harder it is to talk to anyone about it because I feel embarrassed :(
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2011): You should spend some time looking up "emotional abuse." Your story rings true because my relationship with my husband started out like that and progressively got worse, and eventually physically aggressive. I would always tell my family "He would never be physically violent..." but he was. So even if he never becomes physical, there's no reason that you should tolerate his lack of respect calling you a "dumb fuck." I would kick him out of the house and say "Your anger is going to lose you the best girl in the world. Who's dumb now?" The emotional abuse is not something that can exactly be explained, but there's a lot of other symptoms that explain it. I will find you a link: https://wsr.byu.edu/content/warning-signs-emotional-abuse
He could possibly be bi-polor or have a mood disorder. If it continues, it might be a good idea to demand that he see a therapist for his anger issues. You should make him chose between you and him. And trust me, he will play hard ball with this and just move out... but you have to be strong and stick to your guns to get him to change. He will eventually buckle and go to therapy. It takes the fear of losing you for good to get him to that point. If he refuses, there's plenty of other men that will make your life more pleasant. The path that you're on... you will eventually emotionally divorce from him.
That's what it took for my husband to change...
Good luck to you.
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (7 January 2011):
 I agree with the other posters, and I'm sure they'll agree that this guy follows the pattern of how "actual" domestic violence progresses. At first glance, anger issues may or may not follow this pattern, but where you said he wanted you to quit your job, because HE didn't like where you worked, plus the anger issues and the "i won't change, just accept it" attitude. These combined are pattern related.
You are not a bad person. It seems like you are a very sweet, caring young gal. You've been treated this way long enough. Now, if you say "I do" the control will again strengthen, just as it has from the time of your engagement. For a teacher, he's not a good learner or he'd know his behavior is how you loose someone, not how you keep them.
It's time to move on from this relationship, and don't procrastinate in doing so. It's only going to remain the way it is now, or begin getting worse. As long as he's saying he won't change, there is no chance for your relationship to improve. Look at it this way. You're not compatible. He choose to be violent, and you choose to not be with someone who is violent. It just doesn't work.
Truest me, you're not the "dumb fuck" here, he is. You deserve so much better, and I'm sure that so much better is waiting for you too.
I hope this helps. Take care.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2011): You know what I am in your situation. I had to leave my boyfriend and I packed my bags, got my parents to pick me up and I left without telling him. I had warned him many times he needed help and that I couldn't handle his anger anymore. Since I left he has realised how he treated me and how horrible he was, he has got counselling. He is not perfect now but I can talk to him about problems and he wont start yelling or blaming me like he always used too do. If you are a stronger woman then me then leave and never look back. You never know with these angry people if they really have changed or not or its just a ticking time bomb. It sucks falling in love with someone who has an anger issue.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2011): Oh sweetie big red flags here. HUGE. This man has a propensity for violence with his verbal abuse and his anger. This could be a result of many many things and he'd be line to see a counselor if he's mature and admits he has an issue, which he does. Anger can be controlled, it def can. Ive experienced arguably the worst form of it amongst most people. That aside, Id say this engagement should be broken off so there is no pressure to get married and more pressure to correct one's actions before moving forth. Good luck. My best wishes to you and your guy.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (7 January 2011):
 You can't change anyone else. You can't make him change. The famous "Dear Abby" used to ask, would you be better off with or without him. As you are single, not married, and he makes you cry several times a week, treats you AND your family badly, then you would obviously be better off without him. Money doesn't make up for a horrible lifestyle. Get out now while you still can, and make sure that you are using 2 types of birth control if you two are having sex. It would be wrong to bring a child into o home where this kind of abuse is going on. Here's a list that will help...
http://www.familyshelterservice.org/what-is-abuse/assess-your-situation/
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (7 January 2011):
 He said himself that he will never change...Believe it.
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (7 January 2011):
 Run. Run away, right now. He is being controlling and verbally abusive, and if you marry him it will just get worse.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (7 January 2011):
 You have nothing to be embarrassed about, do not be afraid to talk to someone. His behavior is shameful and a good reason to postpone the wedding if not end the whole relationship completely. He needs to change and you need to let him know that because this is no way to enter a marriage. Get out of this relationship now so that he sees that you are not willing to tolerate his immature, irrational and deeply disturbed behavior. Go to your family and let them know how you are feeling. You need someone right now and the worse thing you can do is keep this bottled up. I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, ToHereKnowsWhen  +, writes (7 January 2011):
 What a disgusting specimen. I shuddered as I read your post. He obviously thinks he has you cornered. But you're not. I am sorry that you have to tolerate the monster. You are right, you need to get out of this relationship... and fast.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2011): Get out before you become his punching bag!! why are you hanging around still? if you say love then you need to get your head examined.. a boyfriend who goes from prince to toad to dung beetle doesn't turn back into a prince with a little love and home cooked meals.
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