A
female
age
51-59,
*vf
writes:I am feeling upset and insecure in my relationship of 10 months now. My partner is 53 and I am 38. He told me early on in the relationship that he went to prostitutes when he was in his 38 for about 3 months but stopped because he was wasting his money. Then he was into porn for 3 years (38-41) and just fantasised and wanked instead of meeting other woman. I have found it hard to get over the feelings of insecurity that he will go back that old lifestyle (he says he would never again) but he is ALWAYS checking out women on the street and I feel disrespected. Now, the worst is that he always told me that he HATED anal sex, had tried it with an ex-girlfriend when he was 34 only put it in halfway, it hurt her and he pulled out immediately and never wanted to try it again - he just wasn't into it.He has always f***** me vaginally and only comes every 2- 3 days. Last week I was really drunk and we ended up trying anal sex. He blew in 3 minutes - though normally he goes for 20 minutes and we f*** up to 6 times a day as he keeps wanting sex. I thought that would be it - but that night he then only wanted to f*** me analy (4 hours) for the rest of the night and came 5 times, despite me telling him I was sore.I couldn't walk and was bleeding for 2 days and in bed for 2 days but for the past 7 days he has f***** me 5 out of 7 days up the ass and keeps trying his best to get anal, even though he knows I am still healing and that I feel upset about it. He told me he only did me that way as he has a fear of intimacy with me now because we have been fighting recently. But then we talked it all out and he f***** me vaginally 3 days ago, and said everything was fine and he didn't want to go there anally again. Last night he f***** me vaginally and held off coming as he usually does, but then we started making love again doggy style (which he knows is one of my favourite positions) and after 3 minutes he pulled it out and pushed it up my ass again! I feel so angry (even though it feels not as sore now and a bit pleasureable) as I feel that he is not respecting me - and will go and see prostitutes for anal sex if I don't give it to him. I am so hurt and upset, because he has gone from never even thinking about it all his life to now wanting to have it every day in just 1 week. He also know that I can only come if I touch myself on my back, so I am not getting anything out of it analy. I now feel like a prude, as prior to this last weeks behaviour, I have always been adventurous in bed. I have tried anal with previous partners over 20 years maybe a couple of times a year, but he is just putting it in without even asking me now - knowing full well that I don't want to do it that much.
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anal sex, drunk, ex girlfriend, insecure, money, porn, prostitute, vagina Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010): Dear Original Poster,
Thank you! What a lovely follow-up, and such good news you have been able to express your feelings to your partner, and by being OPEN and TELLING him, speaking up for yourself, how much better the outcome is. This only proves, we must TELL our partners if we don't or do like something, they can't mind read. And if one remains silence, then it is very confusing, so I am so pleased for you, that you have made this step forward and so it seems resolved this issue.
Oh by the way, there is no need to have tests for his libido, I think your sexual appetite, and his, is really quite normal, if you had been living together for 10 years, then may be it mat have slowed down a bit, but really, no need to worry. I am exactly the same way with a partner, love being close and adore making love with him, so just relax enjoy and enjoy it..it will eventually fade a bit, but early days yet for you guys, so as I say, just enjoy it.
Have a wonderful Christmas!
Jilly x
A
female
reader, svf +, writes (17 December 2010):
svf is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you so much EVERYONE for your support - it has really helped me and made a difference. You are right, I have never been assertive when I have needed to be, particularly in the bedroom. But we spoke last night and after much crying and communication, we did it 'properly' and you are right. He thought that I really LOVED it and wanted the anal role play and dirty talk etc, as it was turning me on. I said no, it was turning me OFF.I told him I have not been comfortable with things heading in that direction more and more. He said I had been giving him mixed signals, and I said how? He said the way I moved my body. So I am going to be clearer with him and he said if I was ever uncomfortable with anything or was in pain to say STOP. He said just say it so he can pull out, not to just lie there. I said I was so used to just being quiet in the past. So there we go. By the way, I asked him if he was sure he wouldn't do it again anally without asking me first and he put it near my bottom and lost his erection within seconds. I think that alone has made me feel much more happier.He told me all last night and today how much he loves me, not for what we do in the bedroom but for the way I am and how I finally won my daughter back. He said sorry and that he couldn't forget the look on my face and he didn't want to go back there again. I believe him, as he isn't the type to lie.I don't know why we do it so much, but I think we must both have high libido's as I have not seen him take any supplements and we live pretty much together. He is going to get some tests done to see why, but I like doing it alot, so I am comfortable with his libido.I thank you all SO MUCH for your generosity in supporting me with your advice, you have all truly made a difference and gave me confidence and courage back.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2010): OK, look: YOU HAVE TO TELL HIM YOU DON'T LIKE IT. I think that might be the problem. He might think you like it. He might think it is a great new addition to your repetoire together.
I think you might be the type to give out a signal that seems to mean you are fine with everything, whereas in fact you are not fine with it - you just aren't good at speaking up. You are very good at giving in and seeming ok whatever happens, though. This is why you've ended up in such extreme situations of abuse in the past. You haven't realised when the point has first come up when you should say NO.
This guy sounds good in a lot of respects, and you say you've enjoying so much (vaginal) sex to this point. So, now is the time to learn from your past mistakes: tell your guy that you don't like the anal, that it hurts, and that it makes you feel bad. Say you're sorry you didn't speak up before, but you aren't very good at speaking up. Tell him you just aren't up for it.
Now, if he still tries it on after this - dump him. But hopefully he will realise the mistake and not mention it again.
You have to do this. I read somewhere that really extreme sexual practices aren't traumatising at all for people if that's what they are into, but that even something pretty tame can be really upsetting if it is not what someone wants to do. The issue here isn't what is being done, but that you DON'T WANT TO DO IT. SO SAY SO. And hopefully your guy will respect that. If not, you know what you have to do.
Stand up for yourself. And be fair to him by making it TOTALLY clear how you feel, instead of seeming ok with it.
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A
male
reader, lionelhutz  +, writes (16 December 2010):
From what I can gather, between the prostitutes, the porn and the desire to have sex so often, he may be a nice guy but he seems to be way too occupied with sex. Maybe he does have a good libido, but I'd wager he's taking something because most guys at his age can't get it up that often on a daily basis. As to the rest of your question, I understand what it can mean to have low self-esteem; I've battled that demon myself. But there comes a point when you have to recognize what's going on. From what you're writing, his treatment of you is phsycial abuse, plain and simple. And if you don't address his treatment of you, it's possible he could think you are ok with it/into it and who knows how much more abusive he could become.
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A
female
reader, svf +, writes (16 December 2010):
svf is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just wanted to confirm that my story is true, I am not making it up. I am just upset and for the first time have asked an online forum for help (I have never used internet forum's before as I have been too scared).
I don't know if he is taking any supplements. He hasn't mentioned anything to me if he is. I just know that he say's he has a high libido for me because he thinks I'm beautiful and sexy. Now I just feel like I've gone from being beautiful to a streetwalker... I think I am just not coping well mentally with this new anal stuff and being eaten there, etc (I don't mind it so much, it's just that I feel it's a bit to dark territory now after what happened last week). As I said, I have done anal before but very infrequently and quickly, as I am not that fond of it. I have never been hurt to this degree and I was not prepared for the complete change in our sexual relationship.
And he has been very supportive in other aspect's of this relationship, except for the checking out, until this happened.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2010): "I feel that he is not respecting me - and will go and see prostitutes for anal sex if I don't give it to him."
This is the major issue, if I was able to understand this. Look, nobody should "have to do" anything sexually, it is supposed to be a pleasurable meeting of the minds.
Is this guy taking something? Most guys would be happy to get sex 5 times in a week, and you are saying that he is "we f*** up to 6 times a day .....f*** me analy (4 hours) for the rest of the night and came 5 times"
Viagra won't do that to you, usually it is due to use of testosterone supplements.
Either this is a factitious post, or there is something very odd in your relationship....or I just don't know nothing about being a man.
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A
female
reader, svf +, writes (16 December 2010):
svf is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello everyone, thank you so much for your answers. I guess I do have a very low self esteem. My ex-boyfriend was physically abusive (I had to get an AVO out against him which he breached 5 times and the police had to send him to jail for trying to strangle me). The next boyfriend after that was emotionally abusive also. I haven't had much luck in relationships I guess.
When I met my current boyfriend I thought he was so kind and caring and would be able to handle my self esteem issues (my child was removed from my care by Child Protection Services due to the domestic violence from the boyfriend before). After 4 years, I now finally have her back in my care half the time and my current partner has been so supportive in that respect. He has his own flat and I have mine, but he spends every day at my place.
In our daily life, he is usually thoughtful and caring, but when it comes to sex, we have had a better than average sex life and I have loved it. Now my feelings are mixed up and confused I guess.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2010): oh, he sounds just awful - get rid of him. this is like physical torture. what are you doing? run away from him right now. it is horrible even to hear about. please!
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (16 December 2010):
 Yes, this is DEFINITELY abuse, no question about it.
If you have told him (and you have, repeatedly) that you don't like anal sex, and in fact he injured you in his pursuit of it, but he still insists on inflicting this in you, it demonstrates loud and clear that he doesn't care about your well-being or your feelings, and only wants to "get off."
I recommend you tell him to "walk" and not to bother coming back.......horrible man.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2010): Sweetheart, no I'm not being patronizing, you are NOT respecting yourself. NOT a critique of YOU as a person, just saying you don't sound very high on the stakes of self-esteem and taking control of what you allow men to do to you.
PLEASE..stop having anal sex with this man, unless YOU want to. You tell him that you want to, if NOT, then he doesn't go there. As for bleeding, being sore, spending two days in bed, is not at all good. Making love, is NOT supposed to be like this, whether couples enjoy anal or not, it has to be up to YOU, not him as and when he can have that extra gift.
If a man does not respect this, the he is NOT worth being in a relationship with ( that's my personal feelings) love is about respect, and from his past sexual exploits, he sounds like a man with some baggage, and if you are not a confident woman, and I don't know your background, and that for me, says caution needs to be in place, as if you have suffered any emotional trauma which has lead you not feel so good about yourself, fact is, you are more likely to find yourself in relationships where men take advantage.
Why are you with such an older man, why are you considering a relationship with a man who already demonstrates NOT very healthy sexual tendencies. Prostitutes..and only stops because he was wasting his money..helloo..Not exactly because he realized this is not a good pastime.
If he is continuing to use you, have anal sex with you against your wishes, then I'm afraid, this is NOT acceptable. I hope you are not living with this man, I would prefer to think of you having control of your situation from a distance. Tell him if he doesn't start respecting you, and your body, no man has a right force you into anal sex when you have clearly said NO, that it's hurting. Now take control, and stop him, otherwise he will see you as someone he can do as he pleases with, in every way.
If you live with him, move out, back home, friends, wherever, until he gets the message, you are NOT a doll for his pleasure. Again, and it's only personally, I would not even entertain a man with a past like that, not even if he were George Clooney.
Please, please take care, and let me know how you are.
Jilly
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A
male
reader, CJH  +, writes (16 December 2010):
 What is it with your preoccupation with sex? Hey, I`m not saying a healthy sex life isnt....helathy....but youve written over a page of text here and talked mostly about sex but hoping for answers relating to respect! Slow down woman!
First of all, the fact he is so open with you and feels able to tell you about his sex life before you can only be seen as a good sign - meaning he (presumably) has no secrets!
As for the pain you felt during anal sex and your husband ignoring that, take control and stop agreeing to do things you dont want to do or that hurt you! Above all else, stop and talk about things properly rather than hopping into the sack and analysing his every move there.
I`m not trying to have a go here but really, you need to stop shagging and start talking if you are to avoid the fears of him going elsewhere AND the pain youve been feeling during anal.
His tastes may change from time to time just as yours will so the fact he has now decided that anal sex turns him on really means nothing other than that...his taste has changed. Looking at other women in the street is a male trait I`m afraid, I`m guilty of it as are most men - some of us try to maintain a little control and either curb the practice OR try to make sure it isnt spotted by the other half! Maybe your husband just isnt as tactful as the rest of us BUT trust me, its perfctly harmless and perfectly natural.
In closing then, you need to slow down on the sex and concentrate on communication for a while - at least until you both know the rules in bed and your own insecurities have been put at bay.
Phew - I must say, your question was an interesting one though!
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2010): If he's doing something and knows you don't like it i would class that as abuse. Not to mention, he's been with all the prostitutes. Has he been tested for sexually transmitted diseases?
He has hurt you and made you bleed. That is not right and to be honest this guy sounds like an abuser and a sleaze. Do you want to be with someone like that?
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A
female
reader, DanceInTheDark  +, writes (15 December 2010):
 Dump him. Seriously. If he's doing that, you're better off.
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