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anonymous
writes: Hi, I'm 24 and just broken up with my boyfriend. He made me feel pretty bad a lot of the time and one of the things he said which upset me was that I've slept with loads of people and I'm a slag. He used to count on his fingers the people he knew of. The number is about 20 which I told him because he asked me and I was honest. He even told me about his friend's girlfriend only having slept with 4.Before I met him I really didn't think it mattered but now it's been made into a huge deal and I don't know what to think. Are so many guys so bothered when you enter a relationship? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2009): Then if you can't dump him over him calling you a slag, how about taking note of the drug problem you are being subjected to. you have had 22/3 replies here, we all getting upset with him (and each other)(boy, were we self righteous and liberal minded!!!) when the real problem isn't the number of people you both slept with but other, more toxic issues.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni didnt dump him over this because to be honest i really wouldnt care how many people he slept with! doesnt bother me at all. in response to over 100 he then said actually around 60. hes 28 and been having sex for 12 years.
to be honest this isnt the root of our problems and why we broke up. it was just something he said which played on my mind. when we got together he had a drug addiction to cocaine and i ended up cheating on him twice. he forgave me and i have felt in his debt ever since. he has treated me really badly. humiliated me, called me names, when we lived together he brought coke into the flat every weekend. the effect of cocaine made him run around the flat for hours on end paranoid someone was there. i ended up taking it with him.
i chucked him out of the flat because he started treating me so badly because of the coke. he then said that he would stop so i got back together with him but then about a month ago he got drunk and when he gets drunk hes not nice. he said if i dont take coke with him i can get lost. ive come to realise how nasty he is and the words i love you and forever are only words if they are not actioned.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni didnt dump him over this because to be honest i really wouldnt care how many people he slept with! doesnt bother me at all. in response to over 100 he then said actually around 60. hes 28 and been having sex for 12 years.
to be honest this isnt the root of our problems and why we broke up. it was just something he said which played on my mind. when we got together he had a drug addiction to cocaine and i ended up cheating on him twice. he forgave me and i have felt in his debt ever since. he has treated me really badly. humiliated me, called me names, when we lived together he brought coke into the flat every weekend. the effect of cocaine made him run around the flat for hours on end paranoid someone was there. i ended up taking it with him.
i chucked him out of the flat because he started treating me so badly because of the coke. he then said that he would stop so i got back together with him but then about a month ago he got drunk and when he gets drunk hes not nice. he said if i dont take coke with him i can get lost. ive come to realise how nasty he is and the words i love you and forever are only words if they are not actioned.
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female
reader, gemmaxx09  +, writes (21 May 2009):
 if a guy truely loves you for you as a person, he shouldnt and wouldnt care how many people you hve been with, if some guys say that then they are very immature
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male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (20 May 2009):
 Well if the update is true, and your boyfriend ain't lying, then he is just a hypocrit.
I have my doubts however. 100? At what age? Do the math, you know as a woman young boys are barely sexually attractive to women. Men often start later. So how many sexual years has he had? How many days would that be between women, 1 ever 4-5 days?
Unlikely.
Anyway, the point remains, to some people it is a big deal, to others it isn't. It all depends on the persons on views on the subject.
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female
reader, Fiona xxx +, writes (20 May 2009):
 This gives a totally different slant on the discussion. You said he used to count on his fingers... ie he said he had not slept with many. I assume he lied to you and now you are split up, he came clean and admitted that it's over 100. I assume you didn't realise this before.
That certainly is pot calling the kettle black. Many people consider 20 or so ex lovers to be not that surprising these days but over 100 is a lot. Why on earth is he having a go at you? Surely your 20+ would sound only a handful to him?
None of this makes sense any more. He's obviously either getting back at you by making the admission up. Or he has regrets from his past. His thoughts and emotions about your sexual history are more about his thoughts and emotions about himself and his past. It's like crocodile tears, it's showing how he feels about himself but blaming you and attacking you.
No wonder he's an ex now and you have had enough.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni wrote this question and my boyfriend admitted he slept with over 100.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2009): kc 100, you would notice i said each to his/her own.
in this very modern society of ours safe sex is being preached. HIV/AIDS is just not some stupid thought out fantasy disease conservative people have conjured in their heads. sexually traansmitted diseases are rife. you also read about them here on this website.
just be sexually responsible. we all think it cannot happen to me, well guess what., it can.
everyone betrating the anon female's bf needs to understand this - just because he had a problem with the number of men she had sex with by age 24 does not make him a pig or even disgusting as he has been called here. it only means that he is perhaps different and expressed his view. since when are we not allowed to express our opinions and views. after all i hear we live in a democracy. it is just about personal choice.
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (20 May 2009):
 I think some of the answers on here have been great but that last one is a shocker, no wonder she remains anonymous! Ignore her completely, she has no right to be "concerned" if you have slept with 20 people!
I am 22 and have slept with 18 people, only 2 of which were 1 night stands. I dont put myself out there yet my number has gotten pretty high, so many people just assume you are "easy" or have been a slut in the past. In reality, I find girls tend to have a higer number of sexual partners because they are just looking for the right guy. I know I have dated guys for around a month, and will have slept with them but things didnt work out. Does this make me a bad person? I think not. Your number shouldnt mean anything, it is just unfortunate that some of us havent met the right guy yet and until we do that number will keep getting higher. Maybe our number is an indicator we have bad taste in men or that we are no good at relationships but it sure doesnt mean we are easy!
The people that judge you based on your number are either people settled in relationships where they know they will never sleep with anyone else again, or they are people that are jealous that they didnt have that freedom when they were younger.
Some men will care about your number, and others wont. Its like many others have said before me - if his number is higher then he probably wont care. If his number is lower then that's where the issues arise! All men are a little possesive deep down and they get jealous at the idea that another man has touched you, this is just the way their minds work. Just like women get jealous if their ex girlfriend is prettier than we are, men dont like the idea of their girlfriend being intimate with another man. Thats just life I'm afraid and something you will come accross time and time again!
If you are not bothered by your own number then this is all that matters, as long as you feel comfortable and dont regret any of your decisions in the past (there may be one or two but we've all been there lol) then who the hell cares about a stupid number?! The fact is people are getting married later on in life, and people are having more medium-long term relationships that are not working out, therefore our numbers of sexual partners are going to be higher than for men and women in the past. This is just a part of modern society and I think one day most people will come to terms with this instead of clinging on to ideals from the past.
I hope this helps!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2009): if 20 is the real number even i am concerned .not just that you appear easy and not selective but it seems that you will just spread it for anyone (sorry i know t sounds like i'm judging you).
have you considered all the sexual diseases that you may pick up and pass on. sex should not be seen as a passtime or a hobby but maybe only done with someone you care about???
i think you were sexually irresponsible but then each to his /her own.
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male
reader, murphtom  +, writes (20 May 2009):
 When you are 90 years old, are you or your husband/boyfriend really going to care about this...enjoy life, it is way to short. If someone has a problem with it, move on.
Be safe though to make sure you live to be 90 :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2009): His gender has nothing to do with the basics: he judges you.Be grateful you're not with this guy. A judgmental friend isn't a friend at all.Also, learn something from this. Whenever someone we want to be close to judges us, it's a red flag. Judgment tends to only get worse, and it is the cancer of a relationship. Be glad you're done with him.Remember this: whenever someone else is pointing out what he hates, it's usually because he has that very problem. While we point a finger, most the time it is right into a mirror. So be aware that others are telling on themselves all the time if we just listen...
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2009): A lot of guys are DEFINITELY bothered by a girls 'number'. I myself, I have been with 13 guys and I am 19. If i start seeing a new guy, I am always honest and tell my number. Most guys get mad over it if the girls number is higher than theirs. They feel like, "i'm a guy and this girl has slept with more people than me, what a slut" but in reality its not that big of a deal. The past is in the past and as long as you show that you are willing to change your ways to be in a seriously relationship then there should be no problem. However, if i was seeing someone and they said they have had sex with 30+ girls, i might get worried about STD's but i wouldnt make them feel bad about their number. Your ex- should not have done that to you.
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female
reader, Fiona xxx +, writes (20 May 2009):
I guess we are all different and it helps to be in a similar situation. Honesty is good, you could be honest again and find out that he's had a similar number of ex lovers. Comparisons between people can often be hurtful, about all sorts of things. Be it regarding cooking, gardening, you name it. Sex should be special with your current partner, in some respects passionatelynumb said about sharing it with so many guys. Perhaps it's not a nice feeling either if you know your partner has been hurt a lot, which can easily happen if you have had fewer but more intense relationships. In that case you know your partner has shared her heart and love more.
A friend of mine said "I need to meet somebody who has got the shagging about out of the way with and is ready to settle down". She had slept with 20+ (lost count) men. So she assumed she would meet somebody who had some experience along those lines.
You'll find somebody who doesn't care about the past, or has had a similar past himself.
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male
reader, Yos +, writes (19 May 2009):
 Unfortunately many guys are bothered by this. I've fallen victim to it myself. It's not fun for anyone, but unfortunately it's very hard to do much about, and tends to not go away.
It's good you were honest. Being dishonest about it has a tendency to cause much bigger problems in the long run. My advice is to find a guy who doesn't care. Many don't.
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female
reader, kellyxxx +, writes (19 May 2009):
 It would matter a lot to me if it was my boyfriend who had a lot of sexual partners?! X
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male
reader, passionatelynumb +, writes (19 May 2009):
 Unfortunately it does to me. I'm a lot like your boyfriend and it is the one sore spot in our relationship.
However, I never call her names or intentionally make her feel bad about it, but I do get hung up on her number from time to time and it really hurts her.
I hate the situation that I am in. I shouldn't be this insecure, but it really haunts me every day.
I really do believe its all relative. I've had only two partners in my life so I can't relate to my partner's experience of having partners numbering into the double digits. I’m sure most guys who have bedded several women could care less about their partner’s “number”.
Its funny, my fiancé says that I wouldn’t be the same loving respectful man I am now if I had pursued women just to laid in the past, but at least then I wouldn’t be hurting like I am now. Therefore, it really is a lose/lose situation for someone like me.
I know it’s the past, it shouldn’t matter, and its none of my business; but it does matter to me and it really does mess my relationship up. I get so bitter and jaded about it.
I don't feel like sex with her is all that special, since she gave it away so frivolously and shared it to so many guys before me.
She begs me to see her how she is now, but I can't see past who she was back then.
You, just like her, deserve someone who doesn't care about how many people you've slept with and can love you for who you are, not who you've been with.
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female
reader, Fiona xxx +, writes (19 May 2009):
I have seen this sort of issue on dear cupid a lot.
I think it depends on the situation and in an ideal world it's not an issue if you have both had a similar experience to eachother.
As you said he had only slept with a few so it seemed a lot to him. It wouldn't seem a lot to a guy who has slept with a similar number of people.
I also think it works both ways. Girls also don't like it if the guy has slept with tons more partners than she has either.
Guys seem to expect girls to have "some sort of moral code" and expect us not to have had many people before. Whereas they are happy to try it on, and wouldn't object to sleeping with you stright away. Often they might only have a lower number because girls have said "no".
There is the age old problem where everybody wants to have fun and experiment. It's OK for guys but not us girls...
I expect you felt some freedom with regards to your sexual experience, not wanting to hold yourself back, not wanting to be old fashioned, or not having hang-ups about saying no or whatever.
The fact that you have slept with about 20, I assume that the majority have been one night stands? Does that mean that you have not got many relationship hangups/baggage from the past? What I am saying is, you could have slept with just 4, been totally in love with them all, really hurt by them all. There are people who would only sleep with somebody if it's really serious and somehow every relationship gets intense and really serious on an emotional level. Is there a positive that you have not really been hurt, if you have not been out with many people for long?
If a future guy is bothered, are those positives? In that you have not shared your heart so much? Is it that you are saving the emotional commitment and being more involved now you are a bit older?
In some respects I wish I had been more free and not been so worried about the numbers of partners. That in itself has it's own set of problems and causes additional stress when you have to justify your actions to yourself and ponder and reflect and consider if you do or not.
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female
reader, accused +, writes (19 May 2009):
 Let me start off by saying I hope you've excersided using safe sex methods, no matter if the number was 1 or 101. I am not going to say that number of lovers you've been with in the past is or isn't a problem. Honestly I think its the person, I was asked that question once myself, and I replied with "what does it matter"? If someone loves you, then they love you... As long as your not cheating on them! As far as, your boyfriend comparing you to someone elses girlfriend is not fair to you at all... First she is a totally different person then you, and everybody is different! Besides that why would your boyfriends buddy tell him that kind of information about his lady? You said that your boyfriend made you feel bad a lot of the time, you don't need to be with anyone that can't make you feel like special and respected.... If your ex has a problem with you & your past, then maybe you should start looking for a better FUTURE!.... Best of luck, Accused
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male
reader, LazyGuy +, writes (19 May 2009):
To most people, yes. Lots of women would think twice about being with a man who has lots of ex-lovers.
We all have different priorities in live, different ways of living. If you are one of those people who falls in love easily or doesn't have problems with casual sex, then you should find someone who is comfortable with that.
Your ex clearly wasn't. People are free to make their own choices. I can't dictate how many lovers is right for you but you can't dictate how many past lovers I should accept in my dates.
Find someone who shares your world-view or at least respects it.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2009): Hell yes they care. Not all guys care the same way but a lot of guys care a whole lot. You can't talk them out of it. They can't even talk themselves out of it either. It's something that is very much hard-wired into some peoples emotions.
It's good that you were honest. because finding out their GF lied usually hurts guys a lot worse than the truth ever would have hurt them.
It's something that your boyfriend has to deal with now. Either he can or he cant. Nothing and nobody can help him.
Don't let him hold this over you forever though. You still deserve respect. If he can't give you respect anymore then leave him. Try to be sympathetic to his struggling emotions but without accepting verbal abuse over it.
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