A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I was in an online relationship for 2 years. They were truly blissful years. He understood me. Every moment was exciting. He was hilarious.. he got all my jokes and FINALLy there was someone who on my wavelength. After 2 years.. I feel like it has died down.. it’s going on 3 years plus now. We really fell SO hard in love. But he just ignores me. Hardly texts me.. he hasn’t even seen me on cam.. hasn’t made plans to come see me. And when I make plans to see him he does not really seem all that keen or changes the subject. He still says he loves me every day. I don’t say it these days. I feel like when I say it it means nothing to him. .. I feel so hurt.. and lost and I feel invisible in front of him. I haven’t appeared on cam in a month. He always appears though and we used to fall asleep together with the cam on.. and now he has it on but just plays games..we used to have movie nights every week.. and watch shows play games and talk for hrs.. and we don’t anymore. He does his own thing. When I ask why .. he gets angry. I gave him his space. I don’t’ call.. text.. or go online… he’s coping fine.. but I’m not. I MISS him. I miss my best friend. What went wrong? We aren’t even intimate anymore. He used to want it.. now even when he wants it.. he doesn’t bother about me.. it’s always me taking “ care” of him and that’s it. He doesn’t’ bother… We were INCREDIBLE… now we’re nothing…he used to be so happy when his best friend came over and we’d hang together.. it’s been MONTHS about 5 or more since that last happened… he doesn’t bother.. anymore.. and when his firend comes over he just goes offline and keeps me a discreet relationship. Like he’s slowly phasing me out.I had a horrible childhood. Always fought for love and affection. I have SO MUCH togive and I gave OCMPLETELY in this relationship. It was give and receive. We were FANTASTIC.. there was SO MUCH love.. so considerate for one another .. we would never fight .. we fight so much now. Only cuz he gets irritated by everything I say. The way I’m used to being annoys him now. I feel invisible.. miserable… and so lonely. I have no one to turn to. I haven’t been able to confide in him and or tell him anything…. I feel like I lost my friend..my love.. I’m all alone againShould I end things? What could this be? The end of us? He even said things like he is not as attracted to me anymore ( I even lost weight and I changed my hair and look better than ever before now- all for him). He went off for a festival and danced with other girls. Said he was glad to have been away from out relationship. Left him for a week and went completely MIA.. he kept saying he missed me.. texted constantly and left offline messages .. but .. when I got back.. he did not even care.Does he or does he not want me?! I’m lost and so sad and broken.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell yes BondGirl.. NOW you have and thank you for it... finally something that actually made me think and reflect... your previous post was presumptuous and "know it all". I appreciate that aunts come on here and share. I never undermined that nor questioned why they do it and won't question it either. SO your explanation for why Aunts and Uncles do this.. is already well received. You need not reiterate why. Again thank you and I appreciate it. :)
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reader, BondGirl72  +, writes (13 June 2012):
 Just to let you know...I have had this same experience. That is why we aunts come on here. We have experienced the same things and so we give our honest opinions based on what we know. That is what AuntyEm was saying. My guy also stopped everything. All communication stopped, suddenly. I thought we had a wonderful relationship. I asked questions and tried to talk with him about it. He wouldn't communicate. Do you know how this ends? We talked here and there a few more times, but then I never heard from him again. Now, I may not know your EXACT situation, but one doesn't necessarily need to know exact situations to know how human beings are going to act when they are putting out the signals they are putting out. Even if your guy was sitting next to you right now, he could decide to leave and never talk to you again. In that case, he is gone. You may never get an answer to your questions. I didn't. You may never get closure. I didn't. You may put yourself through a living hell trying to analyze. It won't do any good. While I know this may not be your situation. This was my situation and I know that sometimes relationships just end. People leave. I don't know why, but they do. I hope this is not your situation and you can work it out with your guy, but I can and will make the assumption that if he has told you you aren't attractive to him anymore, danced with other girls, etc...he wants out of the relationship. I know it hurts...that is why I am here trying to help others. He has told you these things and you aren't happy. You need to be able to see the facts here and move forward. It took me a long time to see the facts. I kept trying to work things out and made a fool of myself. I bent lower than I'd ever bent before...and he didn't care. You have asked if he wants you or not. You have asked if you should end things. You have sad you are sad and broken. We have answered your questions.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAuntyEM, thanks for the explanation. I get that you are sharing your experiences and giving advice. But whether it's tough love or not, it can and will suck when you make assumptions. BondGirl, same goes for you.. " You act like everyone else is immune to loneliness...we're not. But, sometimes we have big expectations of certain things that really aren't realistic. - When did I act like I'm the only one feeling lonely. I NEVER implied that. Why is that you make that assumption? Just because I attempted to express MY feelings at this low point in my life, it DOES NOT mean I negate the fact that OTHERS can get lonely too... but I was expressing MY pain at that point.. looking for answers and comfort. Granted I was not calling on all the lonely people of the world to unite and skip around the planet together, but neither did I say.. ALL YOU LUCKY people- you NEVER get lonely. I resent the assumptions that you make. Yes, you take time to reply. But coming on this site.. I've taken the time to do the same for others. PLENTY of people with problems.. difference is I don’t' make annoying assumptions. Honeypie at this point I'd like to thank you for the kind words and the way you doled out the advice. Next BondGirl, "Do you honestly expect your online guy to sit around and just be online with you and not live his life?" - I LET him live his life. It ended up more like an LDR than an online relationship. We were able to connect with the help of online tools. Sure meeting twice in a year might not make this an LDR.. but it sure felt that way FOR ME.. remember one thing.. it’s different for the person in it... And I DO NOT for one second expect his life to STOP for the sake of MINE! He has his own life.. his own set of friends.. his job etc. I NEVER question it. We've always had that understanding. But he comes "home" to me.. it's how he'd put it. It's what I've been used to! When that kinda thing comes to a halt suddenly.. a person is BOUND to get upset BondGirl. It's only natural... the change was sudden.. hence my confusion. I'm not asking him to drop his "getting a life" outside of me and concentrate ONLY on ME. I'm wondering why we can't get on the plan train like we had. Me moving up there -which was pretty much confirmed- and having a more regular relationship than one where we met up 2 times in 2 years. WHY the SUDDEN bloody change? Again BondGirl - giving advice is one thing. But making assumptions without asking questions is just plain presumptuous... but I get the limitations of this site.. so I'm gonna let it go... or try at least… and I’m sure u’d argue back. But my purpose of this reply is NOT to argue.. I’m just trying to explain it as it is. Again I appreciate where you are coming from.. but it’s distasteful.
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reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (12 June 2012):
I just wanted to thank AuntyEm for her explanation of why we post. We post because we can share with others what we have experienced and wish everyone a happy healthy life!
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reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (12 June 2012):
I think online relationships can be fine, but you have to be realistic about what they are. They are online. I even think you can have intense feelings for someone online, but once again...it is online. People generally want more than a virtual relationship in life. Ask him if he wants more. If he doesn't, accept the fact you had a great relationship with him online, but it is coming to an end. As for loneliness, I think when we are lonely we think we are the only ones in the world with that feeling. NOT TRUE. Many of us get lonely. I have had my fair share of it...most people have. You act like everyone else is immune to loneliness...we're not. But, sometimes we have big expectations of certain things that really aren't realistic. Do you honestly expect your online guy to sit around and just be online with you and not live his life? I think that is unrealistic. It is hard when our dreams don't materialize, but your guy has fulfilled something in your during a time when you needed it. He may still want to communicate with you online, but do not assume you are the only one.
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 June 2012):
 I'm sorry he is being like this, you DO deserve better. He should at least have the balls to tell you that he wants someone closer or someone else.
And don't take everything to heart, the "aunties & uncles" here at DC can only go by what is written in the original post, and most posters can't cram it all in there.
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reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (12 June 2012):
 nobody here is being rude to you. Dear Cupid has many many aunts who have given their precious time and advice over many years based on information supplied by the OP.
Most of us here who are kind enough to take up the challenge of offering advice prefer to deal in hard facts, because that is the only way we can offer a solution or words of wisdom. None of us are here to say ' there there' or be so afraid to offer tough love that we encourage someone to stay in a bad of difficult situation...after all what would that achieve.
Many of us on DC have lived through very tough times and come out the other side wiser for the experience and we, like parents offer that advice with good hearts and a supportive spirit.
Sometimes we hit a nerve and the aunts here will tell you that when we do that, often it's because the person we are trying to help is not ready to fact up to facts...we take no pleasure in trying to open someones eyes and take no credit at all for the time we give (we do this for free).
It's very important to give as much detail as you can about your situation ans sometimes that takes time for a person to be able to express all...we understand that.
Nobody is accusing you or attacking you.
By reading your last post, it appears that you have made a decision and that is a good thing...I hoped we helped in some way.
x
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou're right in a lot of ways CindyCares, especially towards the end. At the beginning your point was lostI have friends and a great job and do yoga daily. When it comes to having a life outside I've got it. but that does not mean that these things fulfill me. I try to work on myself..did not let my painful childhood affect me..well it has in many ways, but I tried to break free from the pain. But when I found this "PC" relationship, it meant a lot more than a lot of things. I made time for him like I would for a real life boyfriend, but that doesn't mean I neglected friends and my personal life. Loneliness hurts the most when you have friends around you, but no one to really be FAMILY... friends have their own lives... sure family does too, but it's a different thing altogether. I guess I can't really say much since I never really had one and had to fend for myself since I was 12. But it's that feeling of something missing.. always wanting more and this "PC" relationship filling that void. But all that said.. I guess you are right. He is trying to be considerate and hopes I'd just buzz the heck off. So be it then. I will buzz off. But, I still wonder why.. after what this relationship meant to him.. after how he made the grand gestures.. after he pursued this.. I want to know why I'm the one left feeling crummy.. but I guess he's the only one who can answer that. So thank you all.
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 June 2012):
 No, it's actually easier done that said. You just have to want to do it , and take the steps to start doing it. Like , getting your butt off that chair and switch off that PC and go OUT and about, among real people, whom you can talk to, touch, be with or be around IRL. To get on with your life you need to have a life- now I know that when people nowadays says " get a life " means it in a disparaging, derogatory wait, I don't mean it this way, but you need to get a real everyday ,practical, concrete, tangible life, not just a virtual one. If you don't have it, start building it. Patiently, one step at a time. Rome wsan't built in one day. But you do need to have real life friends, real life hobbies passions pursuits in the here and now, not just in your head. With satisfactions, gratifications, and also disappointments coming from more than just words on a PC screen. Moreover,let's forget for a sec that your " relationship" was a virtual one and let's skip all the debate about what's real or not real. As long as it served its purpose it's fine. Most children have imaginary friends who feel absolutely real and provide as much comfort and companionship as a real buddy , until they are ready to go out in the world and make flesh and bones friends. That's not really the point: I would say the same to another girl who was on the verge of being dumped by her IRL bf:
it's a bad mistake putting all your emotional eggs in one basket and make one person the one and only focus of your interest and source of your support. In this way, you are offering need, not love- no wonder that eventually the offer gets devaluated.
This " relationship " of yours is obviously , painfully grinding to a halt . He is just being passive-aggressive . He does not have the balls, as Honeypie says, to just tell you to buzz off, so he is pulling off his energy from your " thing " in the hope you'll get tired or get the hint or both.
Don't let him drag it on, he is not going to give you what you want. Go out and GET IT , whatever it is ( friendship, sex, companionship etc. ) Too difficult ? No more than clinging to an indifferent , uninterested STRANGER who lives miles and miles away.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI apologise.. I meant we met up once alone.. and another time during Christmas with his entire family... I hope I did not confuse anyone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe met up once and it was the best thign ever.. and tat's the thing. I'm always making the effort to want to meet up and be with him. He does nto seem to want to. I know everyone thinks it's not real. but it was real to me. When u live so far apart and love so far apart... online becomes real. I know that sounds kind of pathetic. but we did meet 2 times in the 2 years.. we did have a simply blissful time together. He would talk of meeting up with me.. but nothing more has come out of it. I want to just surprise him and go visit him, but i'm afraid of what he might say. Or how he might react. His parents and sister love me.. but, these days if they ever come in the room when he's talking to me.. he jsut mutes me .. it's like he does not want them to see me or hear me or know that he's still in a relationship with me. And AuntyEm, I RESENT the idea that we "probably indulged in some sort of sex talk.".. poor assumption on your part and even rude. That was NOT how it started at all. In fact.. intimacy only happened after a year.. he was/is my first.. been in relationships before but I never loved anyone like i have him.. but yeah .. after reading all you had to say and everyone else.. I don't know.. I was broken when I wrote the question.. right now .. it's a feeling of numbness and.. get on with life?... Easier said than done huh?
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 June 2012):
I think he realized that what you have is more of a fantasy (sorry) then an actual relationship. NOT that i think it didn't feel real for you both.
The idea of a relationship like the one you have is admirable, but at some point the people involved will want some kind of real physical contact. Yet in over 2 years there have been none? No talking about meeting up?
He moved on into the "real world" and didn't have the balls or curtsy to tell you. So he is being "mean" hoping that you will take the hint and drop him. That way HE isn't being the bad guy.
I'm sorry, maybe it's time you get out there in the "real" world to and give people a go?
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reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (11 June 2012):
So, the relationship was completely online? Or, you met online and then started hanging out in person? If the relationship was all online, I am not sure how long you can carry on without someone wanting to see and be with a person in real life. Relationships are not really made for online purposes. You need to be able to see one another (in person), touch one another, and be in one another's presence. A relationship can only grow so far if it is all on the net. Look at it like it was a great part of your life while it lasted and you met a wonderful person, but it's not likely to go much further.
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reader, Justinara +, writes (11 June 2012):
you need to meet this guy face to face before you can really say you love him or if he really loves you. On- line is living on a virtual world where things are not really 'real'.
I had guys claim they love me on - line but its not real, you can be anyone or anything in the virtual world. Unless you are interacting with them in real life, there is no real relationship. So meet up with this guy and than see where it takes you. You need to explore this relationship more before you just give your heart away, and although you love parts of this man, you only love the façade he shows you on line.
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reader, AuntyEm +, writes (11 June 2012):
I know you are hurt and probably don't want to read what I am going to write but technically you arn't in a proper relationship with him...at best it was a kind of online friendship where you probably indulged in some sort of sex talk.
I get that your background/childhood has made you into a needy and emotionally fragile person and you saw this 'liason' as more than it was. He too has played the game and enjoyed 'words' from you but in 2 years he's probably thought it over and decided he's like a full on relationship, or simply his freedom to meet other people...truth is he always had that freedom.
When he wasn't clicking away online to you he could have been out there meeting and dating others. You won't ever know that for sure, because he didn't have to tell you what he didn't want you to know. He may also have been in another relationship or even married...perhaps that's why he wasn't keen on meeting in the flesh.
For all the physical things missing in your relationship...like kissing, touching, going out, hugging, making love, planning a future...well your mind and imagination have filled in the gaps and married it up with your online conversation so you see it as perfect and complete when in reality, it was just a really good online connection that romantically could only go so far and so it eventually fizzled out.
I know lots of people rely on these kinds of relationships to fill lonely times. We all want to feel special and matter to someone and online people can be whoever they want and say whatever they want. It's really hard to judge how a person truly is until you have spent a good amount of time in their physical company and seen with your own eyes how they operate and react...online there is no body language, no eye contact, no sense of presence or touch...all essential for a whole relationship.
I don't mean to do you down and your pain is real and tangible to you, but for whatever reason he has decided to move on and you need to accept that and heal, learn and get on with your life.
hugs
xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2012): Perhaps you have pinned too many hopes on someone who in real life you have never met. You said in childhood you had to fight for love and it seems like this is what you are doing now, and that this is driving him away.
It might be an idea to have some counselling so that you can sort out the root cause and maybe this will help you to make friends in real life who can give you so much more than someone who is just online.
I feel so sorry you are so sad and have sometimes felt the same way myself, but did find that counselling helped.
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