A
male
age
36-40,
*onystarkben
writes:Ok... hopefully i can get some good advice on this and not people making fun.I have been seeing the most lovely girl for the past few months. Before she was with me, she was in a 4 year relationship with the most awful guy - he hit her, put her down ( told her she was no good for anyone), told her what to wear, etc - you get the picture.We do things she has never done like go to dinner, i took her to the theatre as a surprise, we go out together or with friends, it's a really nice time. I even do things like hold doors open for her, give her my jacket etc. To me, these are normal things but she often tells me how i am like her prince charming and a perfect guy and she has never met anyone like me. She does also think i'm too good for her, but that's not true. Her family really like me and say they have their old daughter back and she is very happy.So, all is good...well anyway, we went out on Saturday to a Carnival and there were hundreds of people there. So, just my luck, out of all the people, we just bump straight into her ex and his family. Lou didn't say anything, she just took me away but she was upset as she didn't want to see him ever again.So that night we went to some bars with friends and Lou was pretty drunk as she was drinking wine with her girlfriends. We got back to my place and like normal, she jumped on me. While we were doing it though, she always has this habit of saying my name, especially when she's super drunk. Anyway, there i was, and she said the ex's name. Once. I just stopped and she asked me what was wrong - i told her what she had said and how it's kinda killed the mood and she was adamant she didn't say it. I was sober so i knew, so i ended up leaving the house and staying at my friends.This was last night and Lou was calling and messaging me late last night and this morning saying " i'm sorry babe, it wasn't how you think, i was drunk and it's because i had seen the douchebad yesterday and i wasn't thinking about him in a sexual way, why do you just assume the worst? I am so so glad i met you and that i'm not with him anymore"So i havent replied, maybe it's a guy ego thing. But i don't know what to do or think :(
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2012): What if it had been you who called out the wrong name? What would be the reaction.
The family said they have their old daughter back, but it is not your job to save her. Does she still have feelings for this guy? Her subconscious was obviously somewhere else while with you - mistake or not, don't just be 'a nice guy' and take it. The whole idea that in order to be 'a man' you have to forgive immediately is ludicrous. Don't let others define what being a man is for you. Be your own man and decided if this is something you can live with. If it isn't, then don't be that guy and say it's o.k. if if isn't.
Take some time and be sure of what you want and more so, to be sure you can trust her moving forward.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2012): You need to reply to her messages, don't let her stew too long on this one or it may snowball into something bigger.
Tell her everything is fine but to give you a small bit of time to get over the ego bruising.
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A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (11 June 2012):
You have good advice already. My wife did the same thing. Just forgive and forget. Funny thing is, if I had made the same mistake, and maybe you too, I would have been crucified!!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (11 June 2012):
 Oh how tacky!
I do believe her apology. I don't think she was thinking of him in a sexual way while having sex with you. But I still wouldn't be happy about it either.
The thing is, she was with him for 4 year and with you for a couple of months. It was a hellish time for her, she finally got out and met you. She is WITH you. Not him.
Take some time to cool off, but try not to hold it against her.
By the way my husband once called me by his ex-gf name ( not during sex but through out a whole week end) on and off he would use her name. I felt it was a SLAP in the face every time. Then I come to find out that she was trying to claim she was pregnant with him (except he'd been gone for 11 months at the time and hadn't seen her at all in those 11 months) so he was CLEARLY upset. And he didn't want to tell me about it because (as he put it) it was ridiculous drama she was trying to start. It didn't make sense to me at first honestly, I was too busy being pissed. But I talked it over with a friend and he talked me down. That was 16 years ago.. We are still here.
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A
female
reader, Eyespy17 +, writes (11 June 2012):
Clearly she was traumatized by running into him just when her life is getting better.
Clearly she feels terrible and is apologizing. Don't torture her and give her angst by dragging this out.
She is sorry - no forgive her and move on.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 June 2012):
 She didn't say his name to be mean or because she wants to be with him; he was a big part of her life for a while and it's just a verbal habit. You could be Prince Charming and the nicest guy on the planet and that won't erase that fact. It's okay, it's not a sign she's dissatisfied with you at all.
Decide if you really are a nice guy and if you are, choose to let it go.
Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (11 June 2012):
 My advice is to let it drop. Saying the wrong name is a common mistake, it happens, and it has no hidden meanings. I understand that it was hurtful, when having sex you are at your most exposed and fragile, so such a mistake would hurt more than it otherwise would have. I am sure your girlfriend understands this as well. But your pain is just from the mistake she made, mistakes happen, and it doesn't go beyond this.
Calling someone by the wrong name happens from time to time, for absolutely no other reason than people being absent minded and saying the first that popped into their head. My very own mother has called her children by the wrong names several times, and that doesn't mean she loves us any less or secretly wants someone else to be her children...
And I didn't even need to read your entire question to give you this advice (although I did read through it now after I wrote it all), which just shows how little everything else you wrote matters in this. Such a mistake happens, no secret meaning or hidden message in it. She saw him the day before, and that explains it all. But even if she hadn't seen him the day before these things can happen.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (11 June 2012):
 I've done that @ say the wrong name, and at the worst possible moment .... I was stone cold sober, and it didn't mean anything.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (11 June 2012):
 I know you're assuming the worst, but I think your girlfriend's right, she didnt mean it. She was just probably really surprised on seeing the guy and he was on her mind because she saw him after ages. The bad memories must have come rushing back and the name just slipped out.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (11 June 2012):
 She had a horrible relationship with the guy: bumping into him unexpectedly is bound to have an impact on her. Including him being on her mind. That's just how it is.
It was an accident. You say it may be a guy ego thing. Well, man-up and get over it.
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A
female
reader, Xanthe +, writes (11 June 2012):
Well, this kind of thing could happen to anyone. I don't really see the point. She was in a relationship with him for 4 years, that's a long time... And he is clearly a total douchebag, not even close to competition for a guy like you.
Don't take this too serious, she was drunk and she was upset about seeing him the other day. She was not thinking about him sexually, believe me.
I did the same thing once, I accidentally called my boyfriend by my ex's name. That was just because it was a habbit back then, so when you're drunk, that's a very, very common mistake. Now text her back! ;)
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (11 June 2012):
 Ok ego wise I can see you have taken a hit...but is it really worth an ongoing argument when the girl has apologised and told you it was because she was drunk and had run into him that day??
Do you think she is lying to you?
Do you want her to write a declaration in blood, get down on her kness and beg or get her mind erased so she never slips up again?
Is your ego so fragile that you are going to wreck your relationship with her because you are over reacting and cannot give her the benefit of the doubt?
If you don't trust her then it's within your power to say 'We are over'
But if you don't want it over, you have to suck it up and give her a clean slate because storing it up like a festering weapon of doubt will only lead to arguments, unhappiness and drama!!
I know you really like this girl, it's not her fault that she ran into her ex and are any of us not guilty of making a faux pas when drunk??
If you like her that much you will let it drop and forgive her...if she f*cks up again...then call it a day.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2012): one word bro;
Leave
You will only be making yourself paranoid and will distrust her.
It's obvious what's on her mind.
If she's ok with you moaning other girls names for the next 20 sex, it's cool.
If not, leave and never look back.
Some things just shouldn't happen, and if it did, it will never be the same.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2012): Hello, she will ALWYAS value you more than anything. A lot could have been on her mind that night. She was upset. Women think A LOT. And it could have been one thought leading to another... And she happened to say his name. But it probably means nothing...with women.. when doing it, it's not only the sex they think about. A gazillion things are running through their minds. It's really a curse.. but hey! She's with YOU.. she LOVES YOU! She's texting and apologising to YOU. If you loved her at all.. and not jsut to feel liek the hero around her.. if you truly loved her, she would appreciate you talking to her. Asking her why ... asking her what was on her mind. Ask her what was making her upset.. what made her drink etc. Ask her why.. because if you are as perfect as u are.. why is she upset that she met him? It should be her being GRATEFUL she's NO LONGER in his evil clutches. But if she is upset, does she have unresolved issues? Ask her.. talk to he rlovingly. You can decide waht you want to do and how you want to move on fromt here. She wil appreciate you talking to her...and don't interrogate.. give her a listning ear.. make her feel comfortable to tell you the truth and DON"T run with it. Take time to absorb it ok?I hope u work it out. :)
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