A
female
age
51-59,
*esperateJo
writes:Hi I am looking for advice and hopefully a way to love my husband again. I am driving myself crazy with anxiety and worry that my marriage could be over. We have been together 8 years and married for 4. We have a 4 year old boy and I am also pregnant. For the first 4 years I was so so happy, when our son was born we were perfect and have always been a great team. I never imagined I would question my feelings for my husband. A few weeks after getting married I was it by a sudden feeling of "I don't love him anymore" I tried to dismiss this as stupid but the thought kept popping in my head and I started to panic as every relationship before this as ended when I have felt the love as gone. At around the sake time as this I found out my mum was terminally ill with cancer. I had some counselling and felt more positive and the feeling lifted. Over the passed 2 years I have had episodes of the thoughts of not loving him anymore and needing to get away. These tend to happen close to my period time and just for a few days. I have had times where I have felt happy again and have been thankful I didn't act on my thoughts and end my marriage and lose my family. Last year I lost my mum, and suffered a miscarriage. Again those feelings and thoughts took over my life and I reviewed more counselling. She said these thoughts were dud to the losses and losing what means most to me. This helped I was fine and happy again. My husband is a wonderful man and I would never want to hurt him. I have told him how I feel and he is very sad. I have now had my longest period of these thoughts 6 weeks and I can't make sense of them anymore. I have everything I ever wanted and I look at my husband and worship the ground he walks on but I just don't feel anything inside and then my brain says "you don't love him, you need to tell him and end your marriage" but I seriously don't want to, I want to feel in love with him be confident in our future. I also don't want to hurt my son or the family life for this new baby should we be lucky enough to carry( I have a history of miscarriage) I really want this baby and my family but these thoughts are affecting my everyday life. I can't eat , sleep and am generally low. I feel like I am going to lose everything and it will be all my fault and something I will regret massively down the line. What can I do? As anyone ever felt like this? Is it true and I need to accept it? Is it hormones? Is it depression due to losing my mum? Is it because it's so important to me I'm scared to lose it? I really am driving myself insane and that isn't doing me or the baby or the rest of my family any good. Any advice please?
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female
reader, DesperateJo +, writes (12 June 2012):
DesperateJo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi thank you both for your answers. It does help to hear another persons viewpoint. I think both responses are right. I do lovey husband and we need some time together to find that spark again and I also agree with 2nd reply that with this thought reoccurring there is truth in the fact I just don't live him anymore, but I really want too and I don't want to give up on my family as it as been so good in the past. I think counselling together is a good idea but difficult as my husband works away in the week. I have booked in for some today and hopefully this will make things clearer to me. I am terrified of the possibility that I could end up alone and hurt a lot of people. I also believe that this would happen again any other relationship I had in the future. Before marrying my husband my relationships ended when I felt as though I didn't love the person anymore and I would walk away but if I do what I've always done I'm going to get what I've always got and spend a lot of my life lonely and now I have children to think about too not just myself. My husband has done things that I am angry about, he can be very lazy at times and also moan a lot which gets me down, but generally he is a good man and a great father. I really want to make this work.
A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (12 June 2012):
You love your husband, it is clear from what you write. But you sound lost in the routine of life, and getting a little depressed from it. Also your hormones are changing a lot, plus the stress from miscarrying before.
Whilst falling in love feels like a miracle happened, staying in love takes a bit more organising. Think back to what was fun and, despite being pregnant, find the time to find what makes you happy together, again. Try to avoid analysing your feelings, you are pregnant, you wont find the answer. Can you find a relative or babysitter so you can take a small holiday together? Talk with your husband and work on something together. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2012): You need to get into counseling (or get back into counseling) to help you clarify your thoughts.it could be true that you don't love your husband, but you've been clinging to him all these years out of fear of what if you were to leave him - fear of never finding someone else 'better' (whatever that means which is different for each person), fear of feeling guilty over hurting him and your son, fear of regret. I tend to think that a nagging feeling that you don't want to be with someone, which just won't go away or keeps recurring over and over again, is probably your gut telling you that you really don't want to be with that person but your head is rationalizing why you should stay.In the end no one can tell you what is right for you - many people will tell you to ignore your feelings and go with your head and rational thoughts where something as serious as a marriage and family are concerned. Other people will tell you that once you're married and have kids it's not all about your happiness anymore, you have to consider whose lives will be turned upside down if you were to do what makes you happy. I also suggest that you and your husband go to couples counseling. This isn't just your own private problem to deal with, it's his as well because he's the one who might get left. It's possible that he has done something that has caused these lingering feelings in you. Maybe you've never gotten over something he did or does. Maybe you rationalized it away for whatever reasons. But clearly if you're not in love with your spouse anymore, it's equally possible that they had something to do with that so if you're wanting to save your marriage you should both be involved not just you trying to change your feelings by sheer will and rational thought.
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