A
female
age
41-50,
*onfusion27
writes:I'm so confused and need some advice. Let me start out by saying I am married, I love my husband and I have no intention on leaving him. Basically my question right now is does my husband have the right to be mad and upset at me for having a one night stand when we were seperated? Here is the back story...9 months ago my husband had an affair. He waited until about 2 months into to tell me he was leaving me for her (i had no knowledge of the affair prior to this) He moved out a week later. I had no idea we were that unhappy or he was cheating on me. He says it was me who pushed him there, I wasn't giving him what he needed. So he connected with this woman who was once a friend of mine and she made him feel the way he wanted to feel. He told me he fell in love with her and wanted to move on and be with her. Well there was no way I was going to let him destroy our family. I remained calm. I told him I still love him and I want him to come home. He could never really leave me even when he was living with her. He came over everyday after work to see me...we still talked, watched tv/movies, had sex pretty much a normal life except for at a certain time everyday he had to leave to go to her. She lived an hour away, so she never even knew. She thought he had to work late. I basically became the 'other woman' and as much as I hated it, and was in so much emotional pain I put up with it because I loved him and I knew we were meant to be. This lasted a little over 2 months that he lived with her. When I would get really emotional and panic he would tell me I need to get out and experiance life. Have fun, I was free to do whatever I wanted. He even said I could see other guys or have sex. And anything I did I didn't have to tell him if I didn't want to. Well towards the end of the 2 months I went out with a friend one night to a club and we ended up going home with 2 guys. I had a one night stand with someone I wasn't even attracted to, but I wanted the experiance. I wanted to know if it would make me see that I wanted something else in life. All it made me do was realize how much I only wanted my husband back. I told my husband a lot of things I did, but I chose not to tell him that I slept with someone else. Even though he told me I could, I knew it would still hurt him. When he finally came home and ended things with her I still wasn't sure what he wanted. I was so scared he would not want to be with me either. He did decide to stay and he said he loved me and we agreed to be open and honest and always talk things through, since this was one of the problems we had before. Well I still chose not to tell him about my one night stand, at the time I told myself it was because he told me I didn't have to tell him what I did. And I'm pretty sure the other part of me was just scared that if I did he wouldn't want to be with me since we were still on shaky ground. So months have gone by and it's just been in the last few weeks that I have really started to think about it and realize that it's not right to not tell him. He will mention things about me not ever being with someone else, not ever experiancing another man (usually when we are just light heartedly talking...nothing serious) but I would feel guilty because it was like I felt like I was lying, like I decieved him. I always said if he asked if I had been with anyone I would tell him, but he never asked. So anyways one night we were talking about honesty and how we are supposed to share everything with each other...and I knew I had to tell him what I did while we were seperated (even though I would never say we were actually seperated at the time) I knew he would be hurt but I thought he would know what he did to me and that I had every right to do it, I mean he even gave me permission to! Well he didn't react the way I expected...he was hurt...pissed...angry. He couldn't believe that I would do that to him. He said even though he told me I could sleep with someone, he never thought I actually would. He thought I loved him more than that and that he had such high expectations of me. He thouht I was a better person than that. He says his heart is broken and he 'hopes' he will be able to get past this. I understand he is hurt, no matter what I expected that much. But I really don't think I cheated on him...or that it means I didn't love him as much as I said I did. He wanted me to go out and experiance new things...I wanted him to come home...but he was with his mistress...sleeping in her bed...I didn't go out with the intention of sleeping with anyone, it happened. I was having fun, I wanted to be young and free and things happened. I only did it that one time and I would never cheat on him when him and I are a couple. I have talked to him until I couldn't talk anymore trying to explain to him why/how/pleading for him to understand and forgive me. He is just so angry at me right now. He doesn't want to touch me, kiss me, anything. He says he can't help but think about me being with some guy. I just can't help but think the whole time he was sleeping with his mistress! I only had a meaningless one night stand. I hope he will forgive me. I am sick over the this whole thing. I feel so guilty for hurting him but at the same time he put me through so much worse. Oh and by the way he got the mistress pregnant. She had the baby last week. So I'm dealing with him having an affair...fathering a child (trying to figure out what to do with that situation still)...the woman is crazy and trying to create the illusion that him and he are still together...and now dealing with the fear of losing him because I had a one night stand. I don't know what to do...any advice on any of this I would greatly appriciate. I am just so tired...but I truley love him...and I know we can make it through to better days...I just don't know how to get there yet...thank you...
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affair, fell in love, mistress, move on, moved out, one night stand Reply to this Question
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female
reader, confusion27 +, writes (28 January 2011):
confusion27 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone. I appriciate the feedback.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2011): .....then you "deserve what you tolerate"
Harsh but true saying.
You will learn the hard way!
LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, oneguy +, writes (27 January 2011):
 maverick494 is spot on.Let me repeat this because I am feeling pretty pissed with you right now. Yeah lady I don't even know you but there you have it, I feel totally empowered by you to rip you apart.Oh by the way, this is exactly what your husband is doing to you, ripping you apart, and yes, if you got my point, it is you who has "empowered" that sob thus.The bugger has rigged you as maverick494 said. Rigged is the right word. And what the hell is wrong with you.. how could you let him touch you after he left you for some other woman.. You please go to some counselor or do something good for yourself. I seriously don't know what more to say.People, please help this lady.This feels awful.Lady, I didn't mean to insult you during the beginning of my answer. I just wanted to tell you that basically one defines the respect others actually gives her/him, and you aren't defining that respect correctly at all. We have a saying "If a husband calls a woman a bad word, a stranger passing by on the road will also call her the same way". So you should understand that you can't let anyone disrespect you, least of all your husband. Petty squabbles due to immaturity are excusable, but what your husband has done to you and the way he has made you a puppet is outright crass. The guy needs castration. NOW.Sorry. All the best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2011): he's using you, because you let him. You will do anything for him, apparently.
have you no self respect or dignity??
the more you let him treat you like this, the less self respect you will have. The less self respect you have, the more you will continue to let him treat you like this. You don't love him. You're just emotionally dependent on him, there's a difference.
please stop this cycle now.
If not for your own mental health, do it for your kids. You don't want them to grow up with self esteem issues because they think this is how they should allow other people to treat them.
be a good role model for your kids.
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A
female
reader, SillyB +, writes (27 January 2011):
 He doesn't love you. A husband that loves his wife would NEVER do what he did. There might have been problems, but a good and loving husband would have wanted to work on it and not walk away. You're thoughts are not straight my dear. Seek counseling. You're letting a very manipulative man hurt you.
Remember this, love is not a word or a feeling - its how you treat someone. Love is loyalty, love is kindness, love is respect.
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (27 January 2011):
 The aunts are right, your crazy to stay in this relationship with a man who has no problem walking out on his wife and kids, cheating on his mistress, telling his wife to go and get laid, then having problems when she does just that.You think it's gonna work out ok... yep deluded, not confused.... You believe him?.. why, we all know how good he is at lying, (sleeping with 2 women at once) he is very good at cheating.. You believe he's gonna turn into the perfect husband and dad. Why has he found god or something...He has no reason to change. Why should he, I wouldn't if I could get away with the crap he has. He's in no danger of loosing you... your so in love, you can stand just about anything. Including a man who cares so much about you, he tells you that he doesn't care who you screw. As long as he kisses you, says I love you and says some other bullcrap, you smile and polish your wedding ring.He can sleep with your 'friend', but it's not his fault.. she tied him up and raped him.. She's got to be lying, because, he's so decent, he can't lie. He can do no wrong, because when you look at him your eyes have roses in them.. hard to see reality like that.Kids.... You love your kids.... Your kids love you. Are they walking, talking, potty trained? Now kids don't like lots of things. They don't like bed, they don't like cabbage, they don't like rules and they don't like quiet.When your four year old comes and says 'fuck off', which most kids do when they first hear the word. You gonna hug them and kiss them and say, that's alright baby, you do anything you want because I love you.Kid wants to run in the road, you say no, kid ignores you. Do you sit and look confused, because you can't stop them and upset them and make them cry because it might hurt their feelings.You can love your kids, but if you don't learn to punish them, tell them off and force them to behave, they will be ill mannered, unable to learn, too fat to walk, on drugs and they'll end up in jail or dead.Husbands (like yours) and dogs are the same. You let a dog shit in your bed and then give him a doggie treat, well that dog is gonna shit all over your house and your neighbours house as well.So your husband runs off with your best friend. What do you do.. you give him a "doggie treat', uncomplicated sex.. damn man doesn't even have sleep in the wet spot, he can go to his 'woman's" house where the sheets are still clean.He knew he wasn't going to leave you, probably because their are very few women who can be happy to be treated like this, without either going insane or committing murder. So he plans his way to keep control for ever. You say sorry for everything and allow him to do whatever he wants.. and he.. well, he has it easy.. He just does whatever he wants... Instead of you training him to be good husband, he's training you to be an idiot.1. Get wife to sleep with another man.. then can call her names and make her feel bad for the next 50years. Everytime she irritates me.. I'll just say, but you had sex with a stranger, your a bad wife. She'll cry and feel guilty and shut up and stop bothering me about the new woman I'm seeing/my disappearing for months, the need to go on business trips/the new baby my mistress is having (fill in the blank)2. Back up plan.. if she complains.. I'll just threaten to leave again... she will cry and say "yes master, how high can I jump" Back to status quo.. Me in charge, she grateful for my company.He treats you like this, because he can, he can do anything he wants to you, and you will smile.. as long as he doesn't leave you, your as happy as apple pie.Your in for big trouble as your children group up..They will treat you exactly as the father does. If you have girls, you will train them to take abuse, if you have boys they will abuse women.sigh... and he won't be faithful... no challenge in being king all the time, he can read you like a book... kiss, I love you, she's happy.... he'll cheat over and over again, with women who challenge him, who test him, who make him work a lot harder and behave a lot better than you currently do. Men like to chase, gets boring to win all the time.Sorry my words are harsh.. but you need to be knocked off this cloud cookoo land you've made up. Your an adult, your a grown women and you have your two children who need to learn to respect you.You love him.. fine... I'm more interested in how much you love your kids. If he can't behave, kick him out, you can keep him as a lover on the side, but learn to be strong so your kids will listen to you and learn to do right from wrong.Don't worry about the mistress and her child for long.. few women can put up with the crap you do. She doesn't love him as much as you do, she'll dump his sorry ass and he will pay.. she'll take him for as much money as she can. She'l put her child first and dump the lying, cheating man.
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A
female
reader, luvmymike4eva +, writes (27 January 2011):
 tisha-1 is right he is mad at you for the same thing hes doing except for him its not a one time thing
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A
female
reader, FloridaCatGirl +, writes (27 January 2011):
 Think about what you have just written... "Even though it seems so obvious that I should move on, when I'm with him I just can't."
It's obvious to everyone, including yourself that this is not going to have a happy ending. You "can" leave him, you just need someone (a friend, family member, psychologist, etc) to support and guide you through this.
I understand you don't want to hurt your children. Do you realize it's harmful to raise children in an environment where the parents have a strained relationship? Let's not forget, this is the same man who chose another woman over you and his own flesh and blood. This speaks volumes about your husband's character.
You wrote, "As far as the baby situation goes, he has been good about it. He says any contact we have with her and the child will be the both of us together."
Of course he has been good about it, this child was only born last week. It won't be long before those rules go out the window. How much more pain and heartache are you willing to endure... because this is only the beginning of a long miserable road.
I don't want to sound harsh, but you need a serious wake up call. A year ago, if someone had told you about someone in your current situation... I bet you would have said, "She needs to leave him."
Please find the courage to leave this man. Contact a psychologist to help you sort through your feelings... and get a good divorce lawyer. It won't be easy, but it's the only way you will ever find happiness again.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (27 January 2011):
"the woman is crazy and trying to create the illusion that him and he are still together" (Confused)But you know better right.. your husbands so honest and decent and faithful, that she has to be crazy. He wouldn't still be telling her lovey dovey stuff, whilst sleeping with you. Of course not, because he's a good guy.mmmm... when you were sleeping with him and he was her man, wonder what he was saying then. Probably something like 'my crazy wife don't understand finished, over, I don't want you. I've told her to go and get herself a good screw, but she's so in love with me she won't leave me alone. She's crazy and insane.'You got this love sickness so bad, you'll believe in anything. It's not confusion you got, your deluded, your not living in reality.I got a few thing to mention about discipline, kids, dogs and naughty men. You got to change if you want to stop the headaches. He don't have to change, why should he, when two women are willing to share him and allow him to treat them so badly.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 January 2011):
 Sorry, the man who left you for another woman, fathered a child by her, continued to have sex with both of you at the same time is having a hissy fit because you slept ONCE with another guy, and didn't tell him about it right away? Am I reading that right?
Seriously? No shit, HE'S angry and YOU are the one apologizing? You're the one being made to feel guilty? Excuse me, have to go look outside.
I'm back. Yes, the ground is still down and the sky is still up.
Sweetheart. Stop taking the blame for this; he's transferring all of his crap onto you. HE'S the one who should be working his goddamn ass off making up to you, based on what you've told us.
Go see a really really good divorce attorney and get all your ducks in a row, make sure you know what the exit strategy is and prepare for it. You need to start dealing from a position of strength and you're going to have to mentally set yourself up to do that.
Please go see a counselor as well; if you want to repair this marriage, you need to have some reality checks and work on your own self-esteem. Your kids need someone looking out for them, and for that to be you, you have to put yourself first for a change.
Here's a backbone for you to use if you need it, okay? Be tough, stay strong and don't accept the stupid crap he's trying to force you to swallow. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (27 January 2011):
He has no right to be upset at you. The facts:1) he cheated on you first. And not just one time, but he actually having an ongoing affair. Then he left you to go live with his mistress. 2) then while living with her, he was cheating on her with you. So he's a double-cheater. He even got her pregnant.3) He gave you permission to go out and be with other guys.4) He said you did not have to tell him if you were with other guys.So basically you were following his rules. He on the other hand is going against his own rules. You did nothing wrong.And he's trying to put the blame on you and make himself out to be the victim?? Oh please.and that part about how he though you were a "better" person than that - he's just being a drama queen.He's being selfish. it's OK for him to do whatever he wants and not owe you anything. But heaven forbid if you do anything.Why would you want him back so badly? it's clear that he doesn't care about you.You should have walked away from him the first time he left you to be with his mistress rather than trying to get him back and allowing him to use you as his mistress as well (when he was cheating on her with you) and then allowing him to come back to you while he still had one foot in his other relationship.
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female
reader, confusion27 +, writes (27 January 2011):
confusion27 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate the comments I have gotten so far. I did expect to hear what you all have said. Even though it seems so obvious that I should move on, when I'm with him I just can't. I really do love him and when we are happy and not dealing with these issues we are great together. We also have 2 young children who I do not want to hurt. As far as the baby situation goes, he has been good about it. He says any contact we have with her and the child will be the both of us together. I had told him before this child was born that I would support him and I would be involved. He said he will not visit or spend time with the mother and child alone. I do believe him when he says he does not love her anymore and that he will never do something like this again to me. I know I'm the one choosing the hard road. I'm looking for magical answers that I'm sure don't exist. I just hate that he is so angry...he says if he didn't love me and didn't care about me that he wouldn't be so angry, he wouldn't care.
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (27 January 2011):
 I also believe he has no right to be upset, and agree with Cary and Maverick that yours is not a healthy relationship. Healthy for you, I mean.
He has you where he wants you. I think you'd be better off without him.
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female
reader, FloridaCatGirl +, writes (27 January 2011):
You have done absolutely nothing wrong! Let me get this straight... your husband had an affair, left you for this other woman, got her pregnant, told you to go out, have fun, and meet other guys, you did just that, he moved back in with you, you were honest with him about what happened, and now your husband is mad at you??? Wow. He should be thanking his lucky stars that you're even willing to give him another chance!
Please do not beat yourself up over this, as you have done nothing wrong. He has put you through an emotional rollercoaster for the past 7 months. Do not let him shift the blame onto you. Remember, he is the one who left you.
I admire your strength and ability to forgive, but now that he has a child with this other woman, I would reevaluate your situation. This woman will be in your husband's life forever. How do you know he won't jump in bed with her when he visits the baby? He fell in love with her once... how do you know it won't happen again? I strongly suggest you think about your own future now... without him.
Are you two in marriage counseling? And seriously, are you sure this is the future you want? I know this is hard to hear, but I just don't see this working out. Have you even considered moving on?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2011): "Well he didn't react the way I expected...he was hurt...pissed...angry."Which is exactly how most people react who set you up this way.Women do this, as well as men. Your ONS also wasn't meaningless, it has other meanings you haven't thought out fully yet.Bottom line, you two need counseling to help you deal with all the issues you are having, it is EXTREMELY complex. His affair, your ONS, and your marital issues as well as the other woman and the baby all need to be aired out with extreme thoroughness.You don't mention children with him/you...don't have any or get pregnant until you figure this out. Odds are very low that you will be able to work this out, and it takes months of work and honesty and openness, and you still don't know everything about this guy.
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (27 January 2011):
I'll keep this short. You're his puppet. Your husband has rigged you in such a way that even though HE was the one who did wrong, you are the one begging for forgiveness. Christ woman, don't you have any self respect left? he has absolutely NO right to be angry, especially since he was the one who broke it off to pursue some other woman. The only thing you ever did wrong was to let yourself be manipulated and played like this.
This is not a healthy relationship. If you have any dignity left you leave him. You love him, but he doesn't love you. Not really. he just thinks your convenient because he's got you entirely under his control. Become a person again, don't become a character in a script written by him. I'm sorry if this is harsh but it just breaks my heart reading what you put up with.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (27 January 2011):
 Well you've learned a lot about your husband and his character, or lack thereof, haven't you?
I'm astonished that he has the nerve to reproach you for what you did. What chutzpah!
In most relationships a guy would be walking on eggshells around you, and would be on probation for years while trying to earn your forgiveness. But it sounds like you're so devoted that you've given him a free pass. So not only is he not grovelling, he's mad at you for doing what he suggested. I know this isn't the advice you were looking for, but I think you'd end up better off by displaying a bit more backbone because at the moment you're being treated like a doormat.
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female
reader, confusion27 +, writes (27 January 2011):
confusion27 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh and I almost forgot he says he is just so upset that I waited until now to tell him. He said he could have dealt with it easier if I would have told him when he first came home. He says he is just as mad about that as he is about the fact that I had sex with someone else. I felt at least I told him now and not a year or two down the line...he says at this poing it wouldn't make a difference.
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