A
female
age
41-50,
*arahlou82
writes:My boyfriend and i have been together 6 months. Well before i met my boyfriend i was a lapdancer which he has always known from the start of our relationship. I made an innocent comment about dancing the other day, which led him to call me a slag, a dirty little tramp and say i have no respect for myself, hes called me before in an argument then apologised and says he doesnt see me this way and will never say it again but he has and now i dont know where we go from here. I dont know now if he truely does love me or has any respect for me, please help
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female
reader, jaime90  +, writes (22 October 2008):
 He is jealous. He doesnt want you to have done that for any other man. I know because my boyfriend of 9 months is exactly the same about my past and the guys i have been with. We get into arguments and he calls me the worst things then apologises and it started around 6 months too. If he cant accept you for your past then he will never respect you The things he is saying dont come out of nowhere.I am still trying to figure it out myself. Just know its not your fault, DONT LET HIM GET YOU DOWN! once you agree with his comments he will think this means they are true, do not let this happen! you need to be firm with him, do not let him get his way. when he says these things say what you think, tell him its not true and he is being an idiot. Tell him its his problem and nothing to do with you. If he keeps doing it you should think about leaving, but tell him first everything thats on your mind. Talk to him when your not in an argument as i have found men are prone to not listening to you when they are mad. hope you work it out!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2008): Hi
Never let ANYONE make you feel ashamed about yourself. So you were a lap dancer once whoopeeeeeeeeedo! He is jealous that is all and he can not cope with HIS NEGATIVE feelings.
This is about him really not YOU. Never have regrets in life you were a lap dancer and that's that. You were able to do, and men admired you what is so wrong with that? When you are an old bat i bet you look back and smile, I'd rather be an old bat that can look back tn her youthful sexual days and got her kit off occasionally and had men admire me and earn a few bucks at the same time. Lap Dance for him! or does he want a couch potato sat with a remote control in her hands every evening?. So i guess your guy is PURE and has never looked at a naked woman and admired her or watched and drooled over a dancer or fantasised about a woman dancing naked or half naked infront of him? He should join a monestry but hey! they are ALL PURE TOO!
Life is for living it's too short to have regrets, youve done it and you can not let it ruin your life or self worth. Dirty and slut comes from the mind of a prude and a jealous one. Women often forget they are sexual and repress this side in fear of shame.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (21 October 2008):
 I just asked for one reason: sometimes what a person finds innocent another does not.
I also wish I had better news for you, but I don't. I think he is having trouble with the fact that you used to be a lap dancer. He says he doesn't see you in a bad light, but it's very clear he does.
Why he is with you if he can't take you as you are, that is the question. However, it spells trouble ahead. Be ready. If I were you, I would tell him something like "I see you have a problem with my having been a lap dancer. You met me as one, took me as one, and now you're pouting. Is this how it is going to be from now on? Tell me now. I have had enough from you and I want to know whether I need to leave you now"
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2008): I think Fade878 hit on something there...
There was an old movie I saw a couple years ago from 1959 or 1960... Can't remember the title. Anyway, in that movie, the women was a former prostitute and she met a rich man who she got engaged to and within the relationship she told him her past. He told her that it was ok, he loved her and accepted her past and wanted to marry her anyway. She felt like the luckiest woman in the world that she found her Mr. Right.
Until she walked in on him and caught him molesting a little girl. He looked her right in the eye and bold as balls said, "Well, I thought with you being a hooker, you'd understand my proclivities... We're both perverts." She ended up slamming the phone into his head 4 or 5 times and killing him on the spot. I sure wish i could remember the name of that movie.
My point, is that what Fade says is alot like what went on in that movie... he was happy with her being a hooker because he figured, "oh great, we're both freaks, I can do what i want and she won't say a word."
Same with your guy. Clearly, since he opened his foul-little mouth to say what he said to you, he feels that you are those things. And he may have chosen you because he figures you're just a (fill in the blank) and you should feel lucky to have any man and he can be as nasty as he wishes because a (fill in the blank) like you would never leave him.
Sad, but... Anyway, its a theory.
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A
female
reader, A Cappella  +, writes (21 October 2008):
 After reading what your comment was I am even more convinced that he's unreasonable. You were offering him some advice from your experience; we ALL do that. You were even trying to commiserate.
Don't take that from him. You deserve much better.
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A
male
reader, Replacement  +, writes (21 October 2008):
 He's an asshole. Being a lapdancer doesn't make you a slag, it's just a way to earn a wage. The lapdancers I know hardly even view it as a sexual job, they give so many different men lapdances that it becomes a dull chore, and they just turn off their brains similar to someone working a register or a desk job. I don't know if this is the case for you but in my conversations with them they said they got no sexual pleasure or delight from their jobs, because it was just a job. So I can't see how that would make you a slag. It's not like you were sleeping with them.
More to the point, your past is none of his business and it's not fair for him to hold it against you. I can't say whether or not he loves you but he obviously doesn't respect you if he's calling you names. It's still early in the relationship, it's not too late to call it quits and get out with little damage. Let him know that your past is your past, and it comes with the package. If he doesn't like it, he is free to find a woman with a more conventional employment history.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2008): He sounds like a thoroughly nasty piece of work. My girlfriend is a lap-dancer and as long as she is happy in her work I would never dream of asking her to give it up or abuse her for it. Find yourself a nice guy who treats you with respect and doesn't have such obvious insecurities, you don't need to put up with it.
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A
female
reader, Fairy_Lu +, writes (21 October 2008):
 Tell him to get over it, its in the past and he needs to grow up, so what if you where a lapdancer its a job i can think of a worse job. I think you really need to talk to him about this its unfiar and cruel to keep bringing it up in an argument i personally would not put up with it if it was not a serious relationship. He should respect you despite your past if he cant see past that then maybe its time to fnd someone who can
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A
female
reader, sarahlou82 +, writes (21 October 2008):
sarahlou82 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDanielepew, my boyfriend had been exercising and had aching muscles i asked him if his arms hurt underneath as mine would when i hadnt been on a pole for a few days, if i'd had known the reaction i would have got i never would have said anything as i didnt think there was anything wrong in what i had said
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A
female
reader, sarahlou82 +, writes (21 October 2008):
sarahlou82 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDanielepew, my boyfriend had been exercising and had aching muscles i asked him if his arms hurt underneath as mine would when i hadnt been on a pole for a few days, if i'd had known the reaction i would have got i never would have said anything as i didnt think there was anything wrong in what i had said
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A
female
reader, warmrain +, writes (21 October 2008):
Yes, if he said it, he was thinking it. Please move on. He isn't worth the trouble.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (21 October 2008):
He obviously has a problem and I think you need to tell him he needs to deal with it or you will leave him.
Tell him that he's said hw wouldn't be horrible to you like that before and he's broken that trust.
Tell him if he ever so much as thinks that again you will leave him.
And mean it. You danced for a while, you were honest about it. If he can't deal with that it's his problem.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, A Cappella +, writes (21 October 2008):
I wish I had better news for you. I think you should leave him. If he calls you these things, he's thinking them.
You have nothing to be ashamed of, BTW. You've been honest, and that's all anyone can ask. If he can't get over it, it's on him, not you.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (21 October 2008):
I wonder if you can tell us what the comment was.
By the way, I don't think you're a bad woman.
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