A
female
age
36-40,
*ummy to be
writes:Hi everyone, I recently came across this site and found reading other people's similar stories really helped and made me want to get views on my situation. I am 21 years old and was with a manipulative man for 5 years (since i was 16), the relationship was up and down pretty much throughout but owever hard i tried i could not leave him. I loved and still love him very much. He is older than me by 11 years, making him 27 when we first met so he had a whole lot more experience at life than me and where he was my first love, i was way down at the bottom of a very long list. I should say that when we got together he was engaged to someone else and he had a son (6 months old). He told me they were having problems and he was planning on leaving her anyway. Not that there is any excuse for me getting with a guy who was already involved with someone and my only defense is naivety. Needless to say i feel awlful about it now that i have grown up and know what this does to people. We had issues from about 6 months as i got suspicious and very jealous - turned out i had reason to. I found girls numbers written on peieces of paper in his wallet, text messages, voicemails from girls thanking him for the night before. When i confronted him about it he couldn't deny it as the evidence was so obvious but he would cry and beg me not to leave him. I didn't! This went on for a year or so and my family said i had become drawn and for a 16/17 year old very lifeless. Violence became involved, not often but in the 5 years of being his girlfriend i had 2 black eyes, a bust lip and lacerations to the head. He would always say that it was my fault, a bit more crying and would say if i just broke down and cried everytime he hit me instead of stick up for myself then he would stop but i don't cry until the violence has stopped and i have time to sit down and think about what just happened. After 2 years of being with him i found out that he had not only been copping off with other girls on nights out but he had also been staying over at his ex's house alot and telling me he was at work, he had been asking her in drunkenness to get back with him so he was also leading her on making her think there was a chance for them to be a proper family. This was it for me and i begun to hate him although still love him. I decided it was time for me to get my own back. Whenever i went out i would cop off with someone, most of the time not even wanting to but i just did it knowing i would confess what i did to my boyfriend and making him jealous. I knew that playing games like this would not help our relationship but i didn't know what else to do, he wouldn't commit himself to being loyal and i just didn't have the strength to leave him. Besides, when we were together there was a connection between us that every couple wants. We were so close in a way that if you saw us you wouldn't dream that we had these problems going on and we were so passionate.Then finally one day (last January - 2007)there was a breakthrough. He became more dedicated to me, seemed to stop the cheating and he seemed to really want to settle down. After he found out that i had cheated weeks before he decided that he didn't want to ruin us anymore and he proposed. I foolishly said yes. Because of the love i felt/feel for him and i so badly wanted us to work. I know we should have waited and got our relationship sorted first. For the next few months i was walking around on cloud 9, i was so happy and couldn't believe that we were finally bliss! Then in May he had left for work and i was on the internet, something inside told me to check his emails and i did - there were loads from this one particular girl showing that they had been meeting up and he had introduced his son to her. I was devastated. My trust that he had just gained had just totally drained from me. We argued about it and he cried on my parents doorstep for a week begging me and promising me it was all a mistake and he loved me and only me. I took him back! I lost all faith in our relationship again and when i was out i cheated. I got on great with this guy and i finally decided to leave my boyfriend for him. We called off the wedding, which turned out great as it came out afterwards that he was actually seeing our next door neighbour. I kept in touch with my ex because i was still very involved with what i saw as my stepson and in January this year i broke up with the lad i was seeing and turned to my ex for support. We ended up sleeping together for months and in April he told me that his girlfriend(the next door neighbour) had cancer and they had split up and he wanted us to start again - things would be different this time. I was going away in May so i said yes we will give it a go but i will think about it properly while i'm away and we'll discuss it when i'm back. We got back together. At the end of May i found out i was pregnant and told him. That night he slept with his ex girlfriend (the neighbour). We talked on the phone and apparently she had had the same life with him as i had and he never split up with her, she had just gone away for treatment for the cancer. He is evil i thought! He treats me like this when i'm carrying his baby and treats her like this while she is going through the battle of cancer. She has since moved and my ex is still in my life. We are on and off all the time, first we're friends and then we end up sleeping together and seeing each other and then when i talk of any more commitment from him he walks away and doesn't get in touch for weeks. I want him to be a part of my baby's life and i think he wants that too but i feel trapped. He is always going to be in my life and that is partly my fault but i don't know if i will ever get over him. I am enjoying my pregnancy so much but he stresses me out and i feel guilty on my unborn baby for letting him do it. I just can't let go. He is also refusing to pay half for the cot, pram etc. Should i seek professional help to get over him or just write this out and hope that eventually i will move on?! Please advise. Mummy to be
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female
reader, Mummy to be +, writes (24 October 2008):
Mummy to be is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you both so much for your replies. In response to your questions Fade878, the sad thing is i had no reason to leave home so early. I had a great relationship with my parents (luckily still do) and strangely enough i am very family orientated. And i guess there were signs from around 6 months of being with him that made me think a little but i was in love with him in the first week of knowing him. I put it down to me being so young and naive. My parents say he has a gift, you fall in love with him as soon as you meet him, then unfortunately you end up getting hurt along the way. He says he has a sex problem, that he needs it all the time. I have been on a constant weight watching diet since i was 16 because he led me to believe that if i was anything over a size 8 then he would leave me because he doesn't like fat women. I personally think he is mentally ill, there are 5 women (including me) that i know he has made fall in love with him, led them on to believe that he loves them too and then broke their heart. I also know that he has used his son as a weapon to keep in touch with these women, saying he misses them and has been asking after them. That's why i won't be letting him be alone with my baby. I am seriously going to look into the counselling like you suggested because i already love my baby more than anything and i want him/her to have the best start in life, not an unhappy mummy! I have not heard from him in over a week (since i asked for half of the money for the cot) but i know he will be in touch, he likes to stay in touch so it's impossible for me to get over him. I am going to be strong! Not just for my baby but for me as well. I feel i lost my childhood, and i believe for a long time i lost myself. And i'm going to fight for a better life and maybe one day i will meet someone who will treat me how i deserve to be treated. To my anonymous reader, i don't think he would ever hurt my baby as he has never hurt his son but what he did at one time was when he was angry with me hit me infront of his son and said to him, "we're playing a game called hit Steph" and got his son to join in. I will use all this against him if he refuses supervised visits. Luckily in my line of work i will have no problem with getting the best solicitor for the job!I thank you both again for your replies, it's great to get an outsiders point of view and opinions. Love Mummy to be x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2008): I think you already know the solutions to your problems. This man is seriously controlling your life, and I think it is time for you to take control back. This guy will never change!!
You need to stop sleeping with him, being with him, everything. Do you honnestly want your child to grow up thinking that yours is a normal relationship?
Now, I am not here to judge whether he should be allowed to see your baby (are you sure he wont be violent towards them too??), but if youre certain you want him to be in its life I suggest you set up formal child support and visitation periods once the baby is born. Going through a solicitor may be an idea?
You seem like a very strong person, as you have coped with a lot. So get your life back together for your childs sake. You will eventually find someone you deserve :) Good Luck.
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