A
male
age
36-40,
*thacachris
writes:May of 2006 I stayed at my friends apt for three weeks until I found my own apt for the summer. She is a girl, and we both liked each other at different times in our three year friendship. Almost immediately before I moved in, she was broken up with by her BF of seven months, and was having a tough time. While I was there we hung out every day, and I began to fall back in love with her. Over the course of the summer I was trying to win her over, as she was trying to get over the break up. She knew I liked her, and she said she liked me too but wasn't ready for anything yet. Understandable, so stayed the friend and was patient.As the summer went on, we were at a bar and ran into her ex. They started making out in front of me and I walked away. They wanted to have sex but because I was there and the ex had a house guest, they decided not to. They never hooked up after that night.A week later, we went to the same bar again together. This time she left with a stranger. I begged her not to go and she didn't listen. She slept with him, and the following four days I waited outside his apt with her so we could ask him if he used a condom, if he was clean, etc. Turns out he was fine, but they never spoke again after that.Later in the summer, she called me at midnight asking me "why haven't you kissed me yet." I was waiting til she was ready, so jumped at the offer and hopped a taxi to her place. We made out and talked all night and fell asleep together. I later found out she slept with a her HS ex just hours before she called me over, and the next day said she wasn't ready for anything and that she was drunk when she called me over and wouldn't have done that sober. I was crushed.(the only other time we hooked up prior to this was a year earlier, and the same thing happened, she slept with her HS ex earlier in that same night)A month later, early September, we start getting more intimate. She tells me she's ready, hook up more often and eventually sleep together. These are the few weeks leading up to our first date.HOWEVER, I recently found out that during these three weeks we started hooking up she went on a date with another guy and slept with him that night. He stood her up on the second date but apologize and wanted to make it up to her. SO - in the few weeks before our first date, she slept with someone around the time she slept with me, and was debating on which guy to start a relationship with. She chose me, and we have been dating now for over a year now and she wants to marry me. As we approach a big step in our relationship I have been questioning a lot of things to be sure it is the right thing to do, including how we began our relationship.Should I be worried that she was pulling me along over the course of that summer? That sometimes I was sloppy seconds? That even in the weeks up to our first date she was debating between me and someone else, and quite possibly got scared when he stood her up and settled for me, a long time friend who she could depend on? Should I be worried I was a rebound even though she tells me I wasn't? (we started dating four months after her break up).I do believe that now, she thinks she made the right decision in chosing me. She says I am everything she's ever wanted and we live together and I know she wants to marry me.My gut is that I'm worrying about nothing, but I'm just curious for other people's opinions. I am at the point in our relationship where it's time to give her long term promises or break up if I can't give them, so I have been doing a lot of thinking. Thanks ahead.
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male
reader, passionatelynumb +, writes (22 October 2008):
 I think that is extremely noble of you. It really shows that you aren't just using her. At the same time. Marraige is way too big of a deal to let this be a deciding factor.
I would get to a point where you are either living on your own or are making enough to pay your fair share of the rent BEFORE you start making any promises. That way you'll be committing to her out of love and not guilt.
A
male
reader, ithacachris +, writes (21 October 2008):
ithacachris is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyeah ithaca!
i know it's early to be making serious promises, but there are other factors that i won't go into here that are contributing to making me feel like i need to. short story, i have been living with her for free for two months as i try to find a job. she wants me to stay until i can afford to either pay rent or find my own place, but i don't feel right doing this (or mooching) much longer unless i know she's the one. make sense?
but really right now i am wondering if our relationship began the wrong way, and if it did is it that big a deal considering we are so good now.
i'd appreciate some other opinions on this! thanks all!
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A
male
reader, passionatelynumb +, writes (21 October 2008):
I don't know how you made it this far. She strung you along for so long. I couldn't do it. The fact that she was willing to have sex with pretty much anyone, but only kiss you when she was drunk is pretty pathetic on her part. You deserve a lot, LOT, better.
I think she is very bad news. You sound like a genuinely nice guy who's more than willing to commit.
I'm so tired of hearing how the nice guys live the part of the white knight, while their princesses screw anyone who treats them with as much respect as the lunch they ate that day.
Girls complain of a double standard when you guys like us are hurt by their promiscuous ways, but most of the guys who are hurt like us, AREN'T PROMISCUOUS! You didn't go out and screw anything that looked your way. Why should you settle for a girl that did.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (21 October 2008):
 Hello my darling,
First off - let me say... Ithaca!! I am from Ithaca!! Yay Ithaca!! Now I live in Oregon (school), and miss Wegmans and D.P. Dough most of all.
So, on to your issue. I think that you don't need to make her long term promises at this point in your relationship. You've only been together for a year and some change, and all these questions you have about your relationship suggest to me that marriage would be moving a little fast. Why don't you wait and see if she has really settled down?
It could be that when you first started dating, she was still in a wild phase of her life and maybe now she's really settled and she's ready to commit. She sounds like she really cares about you. On the other hand, maybe her previous actions do give you a little foreshadowing of the relationship ahead.
I would really wait until you have no doubts.
Good luck, my fellow Ithacan.
Yay Ithaca!!!
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