A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 14 years and a year ago my best friend and I had too much to drink and we kissed for less then 2 minutes(female). I told my husband yesterday and he said I cheated so it's over. Do you think that is cheating?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2007): put yourself in your husbands shoes and imagine he has just revealed to you that he once kissed another guy... how would you feel? What matters is your husband loves you, and you have betrayed him and his trust. He may be angry now, but fourteen years is a long time. Give him some time and eventually you may work things out. it dont happen overnight, what you did was wrong, but i'm sure if he loves you enough he will forgive you for it, and respect the fact that you told him. Good luck =)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2007): ok. so one drunken 2 min kiss equals 14 yrs of marriage down the drain? I'll bet if you said "I consider looking at other women cheating" that would be a different story. Yes you kissed someone else of the same sex and there is no excuse.. it was not planned or no emotion behind it. I would sit down and talk with him with out blowing up (now is the time for calm).. and tell him how you feel and yes you will have to gain trust back after not telling him. but throwing a fourteen yr relationship out over 2min.. is just stupid.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (27 September 2007):
 I'd like to add on comment. Some people mention establishing boundaries in relationships. That is important. If you go out alone, can you dance with someone, can you go out for lunch with a co worker of the opposite sex, can you go to work parties alone? These are issues for a couple to explore. Here's the big BUT.....some boundaries are just understood. The are general boundaries, acts of decency and common expectations that are simply understood. Unless a couple is openly liberal with their sex lives and external interests, we all know very well what is considered acceptable. It's not wise to cloud the issue with extreme cases of what if's.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2007): You kissed someone so 14 years is down the drain? It sounds like he wants an excuse to get out ... and you handed him one.
PS - technically, you could say it IS cheating when you kiss another, but it has to be seen in context.
I would more easily forgive a drunken kiss where there's no intention behind it than I would finding my boyfriend staring wistfully at a picture of a woman & finding he had feelings for her.
To me, the intention behind the act is crucial.
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (27 September 2007):
Anybody who says that kissing another person like that is not considered cheating is out of there mind. Unless you are in a relationship that allows that type of thing, it's cheating. THAT is why she kept it a secret for so long. She knew it would not go over well. Frank B Kermit was correct on this one.
I suppose the definition of cheating is up for debate. It's not debatable though. When you are in a exclusive relationship, you don't behave like that. The fact the husband is angry shows it was wrong. It does not say anything about him as some have mentioned. How quickly the tables get turned!!! He's minding his business, she's kissing someone else and it means he's looking for an easy out...please!! It sounds to me like you were drunk and seeking attention from the crowd. It sounds like you were trying to make a spectacle of yourself, or, in fact you were sexually motivated to do it. People don't "just" do that.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (27 September 2007):
 Everyone plays the line drawing game. What is cheating for one person, is not cheating for the other.
What the facts seem to be is:
1-Your HUSBAND thinks it is cheating and you need to address that
2-You and your husband apparently never discussed your bisexuality or curiousity of it
3-You and your husband never practiced any open relationships (if you have let me know)
4-You kept it from him for a year and violated his trust
5-With his trust violated, he perhaps assumes you did more than you are telling him now
Lets assume for a second it was not cheating. You did keep this a secret from him, and made a fool of him each time wyou were with your friend. You have given him enough reason NOT to trust you. Whether or not you went all the way, his trust was still violated, and THAT is what you need to focus on repairing.
Two questions for you to address for him:
1-Why did it happen (being drunk does not justify it)
2-What will be different in the future such that you can pledge it will not happen the same way again?
For starters, drop the friend if you choose to work things out with your husband, and give up drinking. I think he would appreicate that.
If you want to explore bisexuality as a more open lifestyle with him, then make him a part of it.
The issue is trust, not sex...unless he has problems with bisexuality in general. Then the issue is also prejudice...which means that your marriage may simply not survive.
-Frank B Kermit
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A
male
reader, KC3236S +, writes (27 September 2007):
Guys have imaginations. He probably thinks more happened, however you tried to minimize it by saying it was only a kiss. 2 minutes is a long time, I am sure there were hands on places they should not be, etc. Most "ooops" incidents happen when alcohol is involved, you told him this, so of course he is going to wonder. Now is probably concerned that you have some deep seated feeling for this guy and the last thing he wants to do is always be looking over his shoulder. If nothing truly happened then I would have spared him the chance to wonder if there was more.
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A
female
reader, drastic knowledge +, writes (26 September 2007):
 well wow as i read some of these opions i wonder what gives them the right to say these things in the manner of which is wrong!!
okay yes you hurt your husban by kissing your best friend,
then waiting a year to actually tell him but i do think he maye in shock or just really hurt in the situation he would rather hurt and be done than have it hurt again.
talk with your husban and ask him to explain how he feels and try to see if things can be worked out but i dont think you need to be bending over backwards to please him as other have said you did do wrong but there is no need for that
i think you need to see hes views of cheating and have a heart to heart talk and that as saying respecting eachothers feelings and opions because it just may be the reason hes upset and wanting out not likly it would be another woman as it seems more hurt than a running excuse to me but i could be wrong,
you'll never know intill you to talk
good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2007): I don't consider it "cheating". Why in earth did you tell him about it after all this time? This is between you and your best friend.
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A
male
reader, Garfield2254  +, writes (26 September 2007):
Kissing for 2 whole minutes wow, puts having an affair at the back of the queue. After a drink or two I would call it a bit of fun BUT, and you feel that BUT coming , to want to go further at that stage or in the future could just be the turning point to the relationship.
He has a jealous strek, which is good, and feels threatened by what happened OR is it his 'get out of jail' card, is it his time to show his hand, has he got his eye on someone else.....who knows !.The relationship maybe stale , this will either fire up the relationship to new heights or she has seen the future and a new direction.
Life is full of puzzles and lessons to be learnt
.
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A
male
reader, Garfield2254 +, writes (26 September 2007):
Kissing for 2 whole minutes wow, puts having an affair at the back of the queue. After a drink or two I would call it a bit of fun BUT, and you feel that BUT coming , to want to go further at that stage or in the future could just be the turning point to the relationship.
He has a jealous strek, which is good, and feels threatened by what happened OR is it his 'get out of jail' card, is it his time to show his hand, has he got his eye on someone else.....who knows !.The relationship maybe stale , this will either fire up the relationship to new heights or she has seen the future and a new direction.
Life is full of puzzles and lessons to be learnt
.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2007): I think some of the others are being a bit hard on you here. I mean, it was a year ago now and was a one-off when you'd had a few too many sherbets.
I suppose it was cheating if you want to stick to the letter of the definition of cheating, but it wasn't exactly at the top end of the scale, was it?
To be honest, if my partner did that I don't think it would bother me all that much. Especially as it was so long ago.
I think your husband is just looking for an excuse to get out of your relationship if something as trivial as this makes him want to pack his bags and go. I'm guessing he has other relationship issues as well and this was the trigger he'd been waiting for.
Perhaps he'll cool off in a day or two.
Phil
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2007): Number one, it is cheating and being drunk is not an excuse. Number two, why is your "best friend" a guy? Your "best friend" should be a woman because anytime someone says "best friend" I assume that means you spend alot of time together and that's a dangerous thing to do right there. Number three, your husband was sure quick to throw in the towel on a 14-yr. relationship. Either he's in shock, or this isn't the first time you've done something shady behind his back. It's going to take counseling to pull all the pieces of this puzzle together but if your spouse refuses, then you'll have no choice but to start packing your bags.
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A
female
reader, O Connor  +, writes (26 September 2007):
 to be honest ive dont the same thing and my bf thinks nothing of it - kissing your girl friends for the laugh is fine - but he may see it as cheating as it was just the 2 of you and you did it behind his back. talk to him and tell him you were just drunk and it meant nothing as she is just a girl friend!! i dont see how this would make you husband feel this way but maybe he is just taking advantage of this as he may have wanted out?? talk to him, and try to make him see that he is the only one for you. just asking do you think that there is anything there between you and her?
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (26 September 2007):
 Hi Anonymous,
Personally, I *do* think it is cheating to do anything sexual with anyone other than who you are in an exclusive relationship with.
But, really, nobody's opinion should matter except for your husband's. You just told him yesterday, so he's still freaking out about the whole thing. Once he's calm enough, perhaps the both of you could try to talk things through. Maybe try to work things out somehow, either just between the both of you or with a counselor.
The bottom line of this whole situation is that you've broken the trust that he had in you and you've really hurt him. It's going to take a lot of work on your part in order for him to get the trust back and to stop feeling like crap. If I were you, I'd be bending over backwards to do whatever it is he wants if you really want to save this relationship. (I wouldn't really be trying to debate what constitutes as cheating.) Just keep in mind that whatever it is should center around the relationship - if he's wanting to get "revenge" by hooking up with another person, that's not the way to go about fixing things.
Hope it all works out well for the both of you.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, amber nuttall +, writes (26 September 2007):
My last boyfriend said that it was cheating too. To be honest it does depend on the person, and how they feel about things like that.
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A
female
reader, chrissy32789 +, writes (26 September 2007):
 honestly yes it is considered cheating. even though it was not for long or with another guy it is still cheating. Just put yourself in your husbands spot, if he went out and kissed someone else are you going to be upset,?
TRY To talk to him about it and try to work things out.
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A
female
reader, lildeesbg +, writes (26 September 2007):
 Well everyone has their own definition of cheating and what it consists of. Some men wouldnt consider that cheating...others (like your husband) do. I personally, dont feel that you cheated in a way that would cause a divorce. The fact that he said the marriage is over for something like that has me concerned.
A marriage has its ups and downs, as an adult and further more a partner in a marriage he should have confronted it totally differently.
You need to talk with him and see where his head is at. Maybe their are other things that have been adding up in his mind and this was the ice breaker.
Just know that despite your little mishap...the consequences did not fit the crime
~dee
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2007): yes
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (26 September 2007):
 No
Is he looking for an excuse for out?
C xxxxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2007): Kissing anyone other than your husband behind his back is cheating. You did the right thing about telling him, but you did cheat.
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