A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Not a dating/relationship question as such, but just curious...Do you remember why/how you came across Dear Cupid and do you take that into account when answering questions?E.G. When you tell someone to move on/dump their partner, do you actually remember how you felt in their shoes? (I know we all have to/do eventually move on, but do you remember being that person who ever thought they couldn't? I mean if it was that easy no-one would come on here asking how to do it! Lol!!) Do you ever think that it is easier to move on when you are 20 something, and maybe in your prime, than it is when you are older and not so confident in your looks/body or don't find it so easy to just 'find someone else'?Or have the money to 'join clubs/take up a hobby/buy a whole new wardrobe... etc,etc or that your friends are all settled and it is harder to go out with them so often?I'm just curious really as some of the answers on here can seem a little cold sometimes (but are probably well meaning and turn out true in the end!) x
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female
reader, iloveblue  +, writes (28 February 2012):
 Well, this is indeed a good question... I discovered this site in 2009 as I was desperate to look for an online relationship advise before. At that time, I found out my bf (now my ex) was cheating on me. It was shocking and I couldn't accept it. I could not disclose my problem to my friends and relatives as I had built a good reputation for my boyfriend around them.I was amazed at how people from different walks of life and different experiences could have their chance to give you their advises. At that time, i just keep on posting my questions, I never answered one. But you know what, DC was my online bestfriend, it helped so much about how to deal with my broken relationship. I could say I became 10 times smarter. I just started responding to questions when I started moving on and getting healed. Well, the advise I give is always coming from 2 sources, my experience and the experience of people here that I have read almost everyday, everynight before i go to sleep. If you could observe, the problems here are basically the same, they come back over and over in a different package only. I think that's the reason why aunts have become cold in answering. It's not that they are really cold-hearted or they are bitter. It's because they've read too many problems same as yours they have nothing else to say but "leave him"..."dump him"...They don't want to sugarcoat their advises because one way or the other, it will still hurt you. And sometimes, the harsh worst are even the ones to wake you up or give you a lesson. I know before one gave me a one liner saying "so why are you with him if he is hurting your feelings?" And he is right.To me, harsh words or cold words are effective because they wake me up to what's the reality. But that's just my opinion. When I advise, I only advise to situations where I could relate to as I feel their pain and suffering. And I give my advise is because I want to share that I am one proof that there is always a chance for a person to move on, be happy and find a new love.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow, thanks for the responses! I have read each and every one. I find it fascinating.By the way I also found the site by googling break-up stuff!! I still don't really know why we split up, but am doing better and realised that sometimes the only closure you get is that they just don't want to be with you, and it's not your fault, lol!! (They still pop into my head everyday which is annoying though, so I have to distract myself when that happens! Funny enough, it doesn't happen so much when I'm with my mates, or doing fun things, more when you are on your own) Haha, I've just realised, writing that down, they're my 'boredom' thought!! How very flattering is that...NOT! Hee hee ;-)Oh and deleting their number and blocking on face book does help, aswell as trying to avoid them like the plague if you live near them! (Actually, for me, a goodbye text, deleting their number and blocking on facebook felt like I was in control again...I was deciding to end all contact... dare I say it, it felt good, like I had achieved something!) I also find it reassuring to know that others are in/have been in the same boat, and alot of times far worse off than me.I think it's a great site, and even if you don't always get the answers you want to hear, mostly they are right/just trying to help and have bothered to read your question and taken the time out to think about it, and respond. For that I am very grateful.Keep up the good work Aunts and Uncles!x :-)
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reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (28 February 2012):
 I just asked this question a few weeks ago… It’s very interesting.
I came here about a year ago. My marriage was an open marriage at the time and I had always let my then husband go and do what he needed and wanted with other women and was fine with it. I had recently met a man that I was mentally intrigued with and wanted to start spending time with him. I was trying to work it out in my head. I searched for polyamory sites and sites to figure out what was going on with my life. I stumbled across Dear Cupid… and asked a few questions and I was hooked. Over a period of time my husband opted to leave me and my friend and I went from a little something something on the side to a full blown relationship. I like that I can be the rare case where FWB does work out…
With my degree in psych and years and years of making mistakes I can look back on and say “what I SHOULD have done” I feel that I have something to contribute to DC. I am also the parent of adult children including one who is special needs. I have ADHD myself and I am in an age gap relationship where I am the older partner so I have lots of life experience that I can offer.
Do I take into account my feelings when I answer questions YOU BET I DO. It does not mean my answers are any less painful for the OP to read. Because my answers while HARD to deal with are what I KNOW would be best for the OP to do. It does not mean the OP will do it. Or will want to hear what it is… but 9 times out of ten the posting of “LEAVE HIM (or HER) now instead of later” is the best advice. I KNOW the OP won’t. and I know that every time it’s bad they will come back and vent and they don’t want to hear “LEAVE HIM” or “leave her” but I have to say it. Eventually they will leave. But if I can help them be strong enough to do it sooner rather than later and save them years of heartbreak I’d rather do that.
I hate to tell you but at just about 52 I am in my stride. I look better than I ever have. I have a 38 yr old fiancé (tomorrow I propose) who thinks I’m not and sexy and desirable… I find it VERY easy to find men attracted to me now. I don’t base my advice on worrying that “older women” are not wanted…. They just have to revamp what’s acceptable in a partner.
We often don’t want to hear the truth at 20 that we know at 40…. And to be honest once you get to be a certain age you KNOW that folks won’t listen and have to make their own mistakes.
The key is NEVER to say “I told you so” and accept that sometimes folks vent just to vent and while they hear stuff they don’t want to hear and don’t do what we advise.. it plants a seed.
Yes I have a life that I would advise others not to have… I can fix others but not myself. I guess I hope that folks will look at my mistakes and learn from them but I know in my heart that we have to learn from our own mistakes and that being supportive and forgiving no matter what is the key.
So yes sometimes the responses seem cold and harsh… and I wish that the OP would come back and update us no matter what and no matter how long it takes. It can take YEARS for an abused partner to be ready to leave….
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reader, AuntyEm +, writes (28 February 2012):
 I came to DC a few years ago when I was going through a really bad relationship break up. It was all the usual stuff, I loved him but he was a serial cheat and I thought the strength of my love and good nature would be enough to save things!!!...Yep I learned the hard way and put myself through years of depression sadness and anxiety. It never did work out in the end and I learned a really important lesson...WHEN IT'S OVER...IT'S OVER (MOSTLY)
I have been critisized heavily for the advice I have given on DC but really as impartial as we would all like to be, we really only can give advice from our own personal perspective.
I guess I can be quite harsh in my opinion but I secretly am a champion for the broken hearts that are out there. I know how painful it can be when a break up occurs and it is my wish that my straight talking will spare that person from prolonged agony. Of course sometimes I am as soft and smushy as everyone else ( I give hugs)
I am actually about to write a relationship commandment list and post in the articles section. All those dilemmas that come up time and time again on DC and you just wish you could impart absolute wisdom on that person so they never have to suffer or make a mistake again...but then again we are all only human and erroneous paths will always be well trodden. I feel we are the angels along the weary way!!
DC helped me. I sat here in floods of tears the first time I recieved advice. I was just so grateful that a few people out there understood and cared enough to guide me.
I do not care if people rate my answers. I wouldnt care if I was bottom of the list because I have recieved many e-mails and feedback in the shape of genuine thanks and mutual respect (at time) from people I know I have seriously helped....for that I am blessed.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2012): I found DearCupid about 4 years back by complete chance. I was a teenager and needed some reassurance regarding losing my virginity, and as I researched I eventually stumbled upon this website. Everyone on DC has been nothing but helpful to me, and I sincerely hope that every response I write is taken as much to heart as the responses I read beside my first question.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2012): I remember my first question posted here and how great it felt to say my piece to people from all walks of life who did not know me personally - my friends and family were getting a bit tired of my constant whining and questioning my relationship at that point.
I got a variety of answers and importantly different perspectives which was just what I needed in my sort of emotional fog.
Dearcupid has really helped me and although I did find some answers cold/harsh they were often true but I hadn't admitted it yet, or I was so self absorbed the possibilities/alternatives had not occurred to me.
That said I don't think anyone answering posts goes out of their way to be harsh, I think sometimes the facts are just that - harsh.
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reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (28 February 2012):
 I found this site a couple of years ago after getting dumped by my first love and having alienated a lot of my friends who were sick of my whining. I've found that reading about other peoples problems helps me personally as you can always find someone who has things worse off than you... kinda puts things in perspective.
Responding to other peoples problems, -even if I'm not always an expert on their topic- is incredibly helpful. Its always helped me build my identity back up, reminding me that I'm an individual with my own opinions... which sounds lame, but seems to be an important thing to regain after a separation.
I've just hopped back on here because I've lost my lover and her kid, my best friend, job and very likely soon- my home... Bit of a combo hit, all within the past month. I say this not to get pity, merely to point out that I'm here for the cold, harsh opinions from anonymous people. Its what I'm after because it helps the most... Sugar coated opinions or "support" can be easily gotten from friends.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2012): I came here about a year ago with a question, I found the site by searching randomly. I got some advice for my questions. It wasn't bad advice for the most part. I still wonder if I made the correct choice though in what I did, I took into consideration the advice and also thought about it myself and talked to friends and family .
I have told people to consider leaving or to leave a relationship depending on the circumstances, the duration and what they seem to say about what is going on, but I usually tell them that it is their decision to make as only they can know fully what the circumstances are- I just assume they know that in most cases. Some people seemed quite happy with the advice they received and in some cases we helped people who were in abusive relationships to have the courage to leave.
I think it's naive though to think people online who don't know you can really give you solid advice in every case unless it's an obvious situation of abuse or someone involved with a serial cheater but in some questions people do get great advice. If it's a shorter duration relationship it will be easier for most people to leave- but anyone who says it is easy to leave or let go of someone they really love and have loved and have been a family with is kidding themselves or have never really loved or they're a serial monogamist. Those scars stay with you forever when a relationship ends badly. We can give advice but that's all it is advice from anonymous people online and people should take it with a grain of salt.
I find some of the answers to be too harsh and judgmental here and to make predictions which aren't possible to make as well as not that helpful, sometimes the same cliches are thrown at people without really figuring out what is going on in their particular situation or even listening to what the person has said.
I do think it is harder to move on when you're older- there are many more factors that have to be taken into consideration such as what else is available out there, the baggage and so on. You can leave a situation and end up with more of the same or worse, lol.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2012): I think I found this site a few years ago when I googled a questions about boobs. I clicked on one of the first few sites listed and there I was- on DearCupid. I didnt know what it was, but I found it interesting.
At first I didnt really pay much attention to the site, but a while later I came back to it and I was so fascinated.
I quickly registered and began answering questions. I would be on the site for a couple of hours just answering questions and browsing.
I think that DearCupid is a site that isnt getting as much credit as it deserves. These are real people asnwering other people's questions with their own experiences and opinions.
It's funny, everybody that's on DearCupid has seemed to find it on accident, and it's an amazing thing when people can help people that they don't even know. :)
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reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (28 February 2012):
 "Do you remember why/how you came across Dear Cupid and do you take that into account when answering questions?" ~
Absolutely! I had a relationship problem and I didn't know whom to ask. I typed a question on google and there were links to various sites and articles, one of them being DC. I posted my question here, I wasn't really expecting any replies, but to my surprise, there were at least 4-5 of them, and the advice given was good, solid and sensible. I then tried answering a few questions here, I saw that this is a safe and no-nonsense website, I like the aunts here, the atmosphere is really nice...and I've been hooked to DC ever since. I'm a moderator here now and I absolutely love this place!
"When you tell someone to move on/dump their partner, do you actually remember how you felt in their shoes?" ~ Absolutely. I tell people to dump their partners because there is no point dragging a dead relationship. When there is nothing left to do, when the situation comes to the point where there is cheating/physical violence/emotional abuse, one should not carry on with a relationship. And trust me, it's not that difficult to let go. Its all in the mind. If someone makes up their mind that they will not put up with shit any longer, then they can snap ties without a second thought.
"Do you ever think that it is easier to move on when you are 20 something, and maybe in your prime, than it is when you are older and not so confident in your looks/body or don't find it so easy to just 'find someone else'?"
~ It is possible to move on at any point of time, age has nothing to do with this. I just don't understand why people use age as an excuse to not take the leap. If anything, age should make you more mature and capable to take a decision and not shy away from it. Age is just a number and I firmly believe age is just an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter! Don't ever let a number get to you.
"Or have the money to 'join clubs/take up a hobby/buy a whole new wardrobe... etc,etc or that your friends are all settled and it is harder to go out with them so often?"
~ These are just catalysts for change, not the final solution for anything. One can buy all the Manolo Blahniks in the world or the best of Vera Wang and still feel rotten inside. Probably that explains why the A-listers of Hollywood have such tumultuous lives.
You dont need money to make a difference to your life, you dont need new clothes to make you feel good. A hobby can be inexpensive but fulfilling, something as simple as gardening or keeping a pet or even contributing here on DC. As long as you dont feel it from the inside, nothing can change, and no amount of money or friends can help.
And finally, some answers come across as "cold" because sometimes it is necessary to knock sense into the OP and there are times when they don't need a shoulder to cry on, what they need is a thorough shaking up. We are not here to be nice to people and sugar coat advice, its dished out plain and simple without any frills. Of course this is where we moderators kick in, we weed out the hurtful/unnecessary/rude answers and make sure that things run fine.
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reader, C. Grant +, writes (28 February 2012):
 I was bored one night and surfed for Ann Landers and Dear Abby and ended up finding DC. Saw some questions that I thought I could make a meaningful contribution to. I was surprised when some of those OPs affirmed that I'd helped them, which was surprisingly gratifying.
That was quite some time ago. I don't respond to many questions anymore because I've answered most of them countless times, and the same ones keep coming up. But from time to time questions are posted that do seem close to home, so I add what I can. I have posted a few questions, and have been pleasantly surprised by the insights from people of very diverse backgrounds, young and old, who have genuinely enlightend me. I've been impressed by the wisdom that comes from unexpected places.
That's really what keeps me involved with the site, although it's now mostly in the 'back room' as it were. Surprising wisdom that helps people in unexpected ways.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2012): Yes I came on here because I was really confused and lost, didn't know what to do, and I found this site. I am very grateful to the wonderful people who have taken the time to help me. Granted I may not always get the answer I want, but most of the time, it's the answer I need. It's easier to tell someone else to move on than it is to actually do yourself, of course. I only answer questions that I have had experience with in my own life, and write from those experiences, share what I can. I do not think that age is so much a factor, some young people have been through a lot and give great advice, just as older aunts and uncles do. Some are harder in their approach because that is their way or they think it's needed to get their point across. Sometimes it can seem harsh and even a little cold, but I try to always remember that they are taking the time to help when they don't have to, so I appreciate it.
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reader, janniepeg +, writes (28 February 2012):
 I found this when I typed in someone's name, someone I knew from school who didn't like me back. He was using his real name for his account. I wasn't looking for relationship advice. Now I am hooked on this site.
It was easier to tell someone to move on than to do it myself. Outsiders' opinions are always right when it comes to moving on.
I am 31. I try not to think about when I get old and look bad. I think it is easier to move on when you are younger.
When I break up I don't look for a new hobby. I just find a date.
I suggest you become your own agony aunt too. When you ask something also prepare an answer. In answers, a lot of aunts actually tell you "I think you already know your answers." We just look for outside confirmation that our intuition is correct. Sometimes we need a smack in the face when our vision gets too blurred, when love gets too blind.
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reader, GoodDog +, writes (28 February 2012):
 Yes, I remember why I came here and will always be in debt to the kind Aunts & Uncles who have helped me on my way.
When I answer to a problem, I always answer it from my own experiences and instincts. Yes, I know what its like to finish with a partner, I know what it's like to be cheated on, divorced, dumped, etc - as many of us here have been.
I have been in a situation where I couldn't finish with a partner and instead of growing closer to her and hoping it would all work out in the end, I found that I was slowly sinking with the ship and not only making myself miserable, but also my partner, family and friends as they were the ones to rescue me in the end.
I don't think age comes into it if its easier to move on after a break up of a relationship. I remember being distraught and upset after a split in my 20's and I was the same when I split with a long term partner in my late 30's. The pain is just the same.
Yes, some of the answers on here can be blunt and straight to the point, and some Aunts and Uncles are harder in their approach, but don't forget - people are coming here with their problems from all ages and walks of life and are often desperate for help.
Sometimes, those writing in for help are so lost in the fog that you have to be direct with them as its easier to see a way out when not caught in the thick of it, if that makes any sense!!! I guess what I'm trying to say is that some people need to be told directly and firmly what the best options for them are as they can no longer see what's what anymore.
An interesting question though, so thanks for posting it! I'm interested to see what the other Aunts and Uncles think.
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