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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: My ex isnt willing to see me with someone new and i dont want to see his either so we defriended each other on facebook (FYI: It was a bad breakup) We are in different countries so we will never ever see each other again. Do you guys just let your ex become a stranger? I really cant accept the fact that hes just going to be a completely stranger to me forever since he was once the most important and closest person to me.
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male
reader, Illithid  +, writes (30 September 2013):
 I don't know how many friends you have, but personally I always seem to have too little time and too many people I want to spend time with. Once in a while, I (perhaps regrettably) let someone go. Maybe it's someone who never makes time for me, so I stop making time for them. Maybe it's someone I feel I can't trust. Maybe it's just two old friends drifting apart as life takes us different places. But I don't hold onto someone who isn't enriching my life, who I don't enjoy being around, who isn't a true friend. And if an ex and I break up badly, and there's a lot of hurt feelings, and we both move on and see new people but have no real ties to one another anymore, I don't really feel we need to stay friends. Not forgotten, no. Lots of memories, some good some bad. But that person just isn't part of my future anymore. It's not heartless, it's just life.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 September 2013):
 you are in different countries
you had a bad breakup
why do you feel the need to pretend to stay friends?
I have 3 ex husbands:
the first one I talk to as needed about our adult children I have no feelings about him one way or the other as anything other than another human being. I like his wife.
the second one i have no clue where he is nor do I care it was not a nice breakup and being friendly with him serves no purpose
the third and I are friendly and civil but it's a fairly new divorce and we run in the same social circles and share the same friends and our breakup was friendly and amicable. I do not seek him out nor do I do social things with him but when we see each other we are friendly.
Time will help you understand that there is no need to force being friends... you will naturally drift apart especially as you do not live in the same country.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2013): At the crux of every decision I make, I ask myself what do I have to gain and to lose? Is it worthit?To apply this principle in your case.If you decide to stay in touch with your ex...You gain from having him in your life forever...But lose out because you can never completely love someone else without the dynamic of your relationship with your ex changing...Is it worth holding on to a man you love but cannot have at the cost of potentially missing out on dating someone else you could love and have? That's a tough question because it's not guaranteed that you will definitely meet someone else.But such uncertainty is what gives meaning to life. It's what makes every moment special. Cherish what you've had and take a bold step into the unknown. Any friendship with your ex now will only be a shadow of what it once was and you don't that shadow to replace the memories of the good old days.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2013): I agree with llifton, if you want to be friends with an ex then go ahead.It all depends on what sort of break up you have had, but having said that, in time, I don't see how any ex cannot be a friend. They were a big part of your life, and just coz it didn't work out romantically, doesn't mean that a friendship can't cone out of it.You need some time to heal maybe, following the break up, but there is no harm in trying to be friends when you are feeling in a happy place again.I am friends with some of my ex's (just friends). And it works well for me.I wish you luck, and hope it works out for you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2013): If staying in contact is going to prevent you from moving on and will cause you discomfort, then be a stranger. You don't have to be a stranger forever. When enough time has passed and you feel more neutral about each other and have moved on to have new lives established without each other, then you can get back in contact and not get triggered to feel a lot of negativity.
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (28 September 2013):
 i take on quite a different perspective as everyone else. to me, when you have a significant relationship, they become your best friend and therefore, obviously, they mattered a great deal to you. so why not salvage a friendship when it ends, if at all possible? it seems to me that it seems very frowned upon by a lot of people and not the method of choice for a lot. but for me, i've found that if they mattered to me enough for me to spend a part of my life with them, i'd love to be able to keep them in my life as a friend. why not? as long as they didn't do anything horrible.
i'm personally still friends with a good bit of my exes. and we are just that - friends. nothing more. we just weren't meant to be. and there is legitimately no tension or hard feelings. at the same time, i'm gay, so i don't know if that is different than that of the straight community. but a lot of my friends who are gay also stay in touch with a good bit of their exes, also.
so anyway, that's my two cents. if you feel that he's worth keeping in your life as a friend, and you both can get on that page where you're both okay with with just being friends one day, why not? it may take some time to get there, though. good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2013): As YOUWISH says, children are really the only reason you have to keep in touch with an ex. It doesn't mean you should carry animosity or hatred around in your heart for them.
I was dumped by someone in April, and after as much as I had to go through to get over him; why the hell would I care if he became a stranger? That's why I went through no-contact. To do just that!
Once upon a time, he was important to me; but HE ended it.
So apparently I'm not that important to him. Moving on wasn't easy; so now that I'm free, he could fall off the planet for all I care.
I wish him well, and that he enjoy his life on the other side of the planet. If I should happen to run into him, I will be polite, cordial, and friendly.
I'm cool with that. That's the way I roll.
I'm not dribbling gum drops over him. He's gone, and I'm cool with that too. His loss is another guy's gain. Single life is pretty good.
Why dredge up the past?
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female
reader, Tula  +, writes (28 September 2013):
Yes, a total stranger m'dear. Because if the love or liking was good enough it would have endured the disagreements which got you where you are. So move on, it's not easy at first, and sounds very cruel, but in the end you've got your life ahead of you. If I were you I'd focus on "me" for now, and if you happen to have met a new one in your life, then definately channel some of the love and care his/her way. The priority is/are the person/people you're with. Keep matters of the past behind and advance and enjoy the new change. Embrace the change!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2013): I don't think it's fair to say you can NEVER be friends with an ex, provided the breakup was mutual and amicable and keeping that person in your life does both of you more good than harm-- i.e. you were close friends BEFORE the relationship, or there are kids involved, etc. Also, if you share a large percentage of friends then it helps if you can avoid a situation where those friends feel forced to "choose sides" because you and your ex are on poor terms.How people treat their exes (and how they speak of them) actually says a lot about who they are character-wise. Personally I wouldn't be inclined to date a guy who trashed his ex or claimed to hate her, but that's just me. More jealous types might be happy to hear how bad their partner's ex is to feel more secure in their own relationships. It really just depends on the people involved.In your case, however, it sounds like trying to keep contact with this guy (even though your intentions are good) will only cause pain and trouble for you both. You say it was a bad breakup, and the distance between you makes it improbable that you and he will ever be able to rekindle a casual and drama-free friendship. It doesn't sound like you share friends or kids, so having this guy in your life is only going to drag out your grieving over the end of the relationship. Keep the fond memories, but let him go and focus on healing. Best wishes :)
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (27 September 2013):
 There's only one reason, and *only* one reason why you would NOT cut off all contact with an ex, and that's when a child is involved. When a child is involved, the contact remains only in the context of raising the child. I.E. coordinating visits, child support, and collaborating on big decisions such as activities, colleges, serious illness and emergencies.
Even in the case of having children together, all personal stuff between each other is done. That's why grieving the end of a relationship is appropriate - because the friendship/relationship/exchange is over.
In your case, OP, it's easy since you two are in different countries. I pity those who still have to work or associate with their exes. No contact with an ex means no baggage to interfere with a future relationship.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 September 2013):
 Sure you let him become a stranger - why not ?
He was ONCE the most important closest person to you.
So was your preschool teacher when you were 3. And your best friends in grade school when you were 7. And the first boy you crushed on when you were 12. The first guy you kissed.... then your very first " serious " bf...
Think about it , you have lots of people that at some point in time mattered a lot to you- and rightly so , because at that age and stage of your life, they had a role, a function to fulfill. Ended which, you moved on to other people, experiences, relationships- you went on- LIFE went on.
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reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (27 September 2013):
 I think it's fairly standard for most ex's to become strangers, with the exception of those you share children with.
It's just better all round if you are allowed to get on with your lives, freely and without reminders of the past, particularly if the break up was harsh.
Good luck in your new relationship.
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male
reader, Eng_vice  +, writes (27 September 2013):
Are you my ex by any chance? I did exactly what you have had to do and also find it very unsatisfactory. It has been over a year. If you can put "feelings" to the side you could try and stay friends but it really is not as simple as that.
The only advice I would offer is perhaps to stay out of touch for a year or so then write a simple pen pal letter. Ask not to mention new relationships to each other. Maybe this means you will not be interfering in each others new relationships yet still not being total strangers.
I agree with the other comments but in my experience it can hinder progress to be totally disconnected. For example I still have contact with local exes and have peace with them but feel disconnected and uncomfortable with the silence from my LDR ex.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 September 2013):
 Yes, I let all my exes become strangers. I also have an ex in another country and we're not friends on facebook and we don't have any friends in common either. For all I know he could be dead and gone, that's how little I know about him these days.
Once the relationship is over you got to let it die. You aren't the most important person to him any longer, and he can't be the most important person to you either. Some times, we love someone, and then we need to let them go. You don't have to hold on to everyone for ever, if that was the purpose then you'd only ever love one person and you'd marry that person too.
You will move on from him, it is hard now when you're still in love with him (you got to admit, you care for him too much still). But as time goes on you will spend less time thinking about him, and he'll no longer be a part of your life. Which means you will have room for NEW people in your life, such as a new boyfriend. You can't keep your ex in your heart forever, or there will not be room for new loves...
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female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (27 September 2013):
 I think it depends on the two of you as people and your relationship that you had. I've had exes that stayed my friend when we broke up and it was alright and I've had ex that I tried to be friends with and it was horrible.
It's really up to you. You guys are in different countries so what would really be the point of you two keeping in touch as friends? Especially since you took each other off of Facebook?
I think this is a personal question that you need to decide on your own. Not everyone can remain friends with their exes.
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (27 September 2013):
At this point, especially with them being so far away what'd the point in hanging on? It's usually easier to just say goodbye. In an ideal world we'd all be friends with our exes and just eliminate the romantic feelings from the equation. But in real life it's not that easy.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 September 2013):
 The emphasis is on WAS. He WAS one the most important person to you, he no longer is.
Are you supposed to let them become a stranger?
Not if you don't want to, but keeping people around just to keep them around isn't always a good thing either. It's a constant reminder that it just didn't work. Also if the relationship ended with a bad break up I don't really see why you feel a need to keep him around.
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