A
female
age
36-40,
*ula
writes:This is probably the weirdest most disghusting querry you'll ever read, but I'm afraid I need an insight on this one and how to deal with this tricky situation to say the least. I happen to have a friend who whenever she comes to my place, uses the bathroom for number 2, takes a crap, spending between 15 and 25 minutes in my place just doing that. I live in a very small flat and on three occasions she'd do the same. On occasion one, she was ill- I completely understand. On the second, we were supposed to be meeting down from where I live and she ringed me to buzz her up to my place and went straight to the loo. Same happened yesterday. We walk to class together on Tuesdays and Thursdays and I can't take it anymore. In fact, I think it's rude, and the only reason I'm living on my own is because I'm sick of sharing with people. How am I supposed to tell her not to do that. Do you think I should suggest meeting her at the bus stop, now that's it's winter, I don't like to walk and get soaked. How do I go on yet subtly tell her not to come to my place. I am thinking of going to class on my own, and there before she swings by my place. Any ideas?I hate being taken for granted, for I was the one who made her soup and she slept on my sofa while she was ill, and just for you know I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO HER PLACE, EVER! How do I go on being NOT the so-nice understanding friend victim into the real me, I tend to be passive and passive but then aggressive. People think I'm vicious when I retaliate and resist, but I am fed up with her and her twisted ways of taking advantage of me and my resources including the ladies room, to put it nicely!! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Tula +, writes (29 September 2013):
Tula is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBig love
Big thanks to all of you who took the time to read more on the matter. Originally, when I wrote the question for advice I thought it was just the bathroom use I'm upset about, but the root cause is her bad manners really...I thanks you again for reading on and apologise for misrepesenting what I needed to say... I agree with those of you who mentioned it's best to get rid of her, she is more of a mooch in the making than a real friend.
Thanks CindyCares
Thanks WiseOwlE
Thanks Honeypie
Thanks llifton
THanks Aunty Babbit
And last but not least thanks iAMheretohelpyou
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 September 2013):
 Ah then there's more to the story. It's not just the bathroom ( which again, could be something she does not have a whole lot of control on ), it's her attitude and her using your apartment as a pit stop for her convenience when she is on her way to other places. Yes, that's not cool at all, and you should not tolerate it. I'd tell you to speak up- if I thought this kind of " friend was worth being kept . But I don't, I don't think this is even a friend, so- just get rid of her.
You know, unluckily it's quality over quantity in friendship too. Everybody makes the mistake at some point of accepting into our life people that do not bring anything positive in it, and to let them stay , out of loneliness, shyness, being used to constant companionship, a search for popuoarity or whatever else. But I think in the long run , it pays to be absolutely merciless about whom you are offering your friendship too- it pays to really take their measures and weed them out early on . Better a very small circle of true friends, even just 2 or 3, heck, even just ONE- than a cohort of hangers on and users.
I also subscribe , though, to Wise Owl's advice to not keep score of the good deeds you may do for people. You don't HAVE to overextend yourself , to volunteer to help them out, to go out of your way to make their life easier. But, if you do , do it because it gives you joy and gratification , because it makes YOU happy seeing that somebody solved a problem because of you. In this way, whether the favour is reciprocated or not,- you win anyway, because you did it for your own sake to begin with.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2013): As the other aunts mentioned, you weren't totally inclusive of other people taking advantage of you. I would have given you better advice had I been given a little more information.
The one friend you mentioned in your post requires some training in good manners. You simply have to inform her how you feel about the behavior, and put her on the spot. Don't suffer in silence; she'll figure it's okay, and just keep doing it. Even worse, do it spitefully; because she thinks you're a wimp.
I too tend to do a lot for my friends, and some may not reciprocate. I do it out of caring; so that doesn't seem to bother me much. I don't really look for people to reciprocate when I'm helping them through a crisis, or some misfortune. In fact, I don't expect payback for good deeds at all. The reward comes from seeing things go well.
In your case, it's just not being able to say no; and they count on you while taking you for granted. Fortunately, my friends know how honest I am about my feelings; and they know when they've pushed the envelope. I know how to let them know in subtle, but effective, ways. I know how to assert my power in my own home. That's a matter of respect.
Learn to let people know; hey, I might need a little help with so and so, so consider this a favor. That way you can cash in on a favor in return. They learn from this.
It also helps when you find a better quality of people to make and/or call friends. That means, "nice" folks who appreciate and respect you.
Hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (28 September 2013):
 Now your first update makes more sense as to why you are mad at her. You invited her over for a cooked meal and she treated you in a way friends don't do. She made plans with someone else and asked for the meal to go? I would have told her Fuck no! And then There is the door. And then not stayed friends with her. That would not be OK with me either. If I have invited someone to dinner and they accept, they bloody well stay and eat!
From your original post it seems like the problem was her using your potty to go poop on. Which most people just don't seem as a big deal.
I have learned many things in friendships, one of them is, IT IS OK to ask for help if you need it. Friends are NOT mind-readers. So even if they knew you were moving they might not have considered that you needed help, because you never mentioned needing help.
Personally I would rethink the friendship with that girl. If you "get" nothing out of it, then why waste your time with her? Find people who can respect a friendship.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (28 September 2013):
 Firstly it's Babbit and perhaps if you had given us a bit more information in the beginning I may have had a clearer image of the problem.
Try reading your original post as someone with no idea of the whole situation (as we are) and then you might see what I saw.
You never mentioned all this other stuff about her or your other so called friends.
I can only respond with what I'm given.
AB x
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (28 September 2013):
 Your question didn't mention anything directly about feeling taken for granted in any other way other than your one friend using your bathroom on a couple of occasions. So that's why a lot of people responded the way they did. It wasn't until your update that you mentioned the other things about being taken advantage of and treated rudely. Yes, coming over and being on your phone the whole time and leaving right after you got there is rude considering you spent all that time cooking. yeah, based on this new info, I'd say I'd limit my time with her. She seems pretty inconsiderate.
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A
female
reader, Tula +, writes (28 September 2013):
Tula is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm no mother Teresa, and friendships like relationships are best balanced or else they won't float. It was dumb of me to have put up with her rudeness for friendship's sake, cause you know what it's not MUTUAL! Thanks for all your help though :)
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A
female
reader, Tula +, writes (28 September 2013):
Tula is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your ideas folks. Cindy Cares and WiseOwl it seems are the ones who really understood the situation best so thanks for that. She's a friend who tends to take more than gives back on many levels. I am patient, giving and have invited her over and over for tea and dinner, and made her soup when she was ill even offered her my sofa and bathroom! Just so that you know, NONE of my friends has ever done anything like it in return for me. I moved house twice in less than 3 months and none of my friends even offered to help! They all take me for granted. Don't want to blow my own trumpet there, but I NEVER ask people to do things for me that I wouldn't do for them in return, but sadly no one is CONSIDERATE enough to care or feel me. So that you know Aunty Rabbit that your comment was unnecessary..and your advice was unsolicited for if you need to mention” crap” and its derivatives. I understand people's medical needs, but the other night, she was invited here for dinner, had the soup, and excused herself. Spent 20 minutes in the bathroom, then went out, got a call from other friends, decided to leave after 50 minutes of arrival and even asked for the main dish to be packed in a food box for her to go. I spent over an hour forty-five minutes cooking; she came for 55 minutes, 20 of which were spent in the loo, and left like that…. See why I HAVE ISSUES NOW!!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 September 2013):
I wouldn't "confront" her or tell her to NEVER use my bathroom either - that is ridiculous.
BUT if you don't like others on your potty, meet up at the bus stop. It's that simple.
If she has Chrons, IBS or any other medical condition that means she got to "go" when she got to go - it's not like it's something she can control.
I still don't see why it's such a huge deal - it's not like she comes OVER to your house to go poop.
Personally, I DETEST public bathrooms, and will rather hold it til I get home or non-public place. IF she can go poop in your house she must feel RATHER comfortable with you and your place.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2013): You can't have everything exactly as you want it.Choose to either a) meet at your place but tell her she's not allowed to use your bathroom anymore. ( I think it's rude to say this)b) meet at the bus stop and risk getting wet. Explain that you find that it's a waste of time and energy to have her come up when you're leaving anyway.c) go to school alone before she gets to your house... She'll be suspicious though and will probably ask you why the sudden change.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (28 September 2013):
Well, in a way I feel your pain, I am very territorial about my bathroom too- it's my sanctuary and my domain, lol, and I don't like having it invaded by strangers.
But, what would you like to do, prohibit your friends to use your bathroom ? That would be a very hard and not very reasonable stance , I think.
I cannot believe that this girl is doing this on purpose just to piss you off , or to take advantage of you- advantage of what, a free square of toilet paper ?.. Most people actually do greatly prefer the privacy of their own bathroom for these eveniences, and
would never use other people's , if they only could. If she can't , maybe she has some sort of intestinal problem, spasms or something, which make impossible for her to time appropriately her bowel movements . Or, she is one of those persons that absolutely have to " go " always at the same time.
Well, yes, that would be her problem, not yours,... but I still feel it would be very hostile and embarassing telling her " hey stay off my WC ".
So, for once, I'll endorse the passive aggressive way , which in general I always disadvise. If you just can't stand the idea of another person evacuating in your bathroom, tell her you prefer to meet directly at the bus stop , or at a coffe shop etc., or just go to school on your own.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (28 September 2013):
I assume you leave for class at around the same time each day.
Most people, not all, empty their bowels at around the same time each day.
It seems that your friend has, unfortunately, had the urge to "go" on arriving at your house.
The first time she was ill and you said you even cared for her and then it's happened twice more. I'm sorry but what is the big deal?
It's not as if she turns up, unexpected, walks in has a dump and then says "Bye" and walks out again, is it?
I think you have major issues. You can tell her how you feel but think she will be very embarrassed and wonder what the hell she's supposed to have done wrong!
And what the hell does it matter that you haven't been to her house?
You say you live alone because you're sick of sharing with people, you say she's your friend but she has twisted ways, and that you're passive, passive then aggressive.
I'm sorry but I think you need to speak to a counsellor and sort your "shit" out (scuse the pun)
AB x
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (28 September 2013):
wait, hang on - you're mad because she takes a shit at your house? or am i missing something?
who cares if she comes in and uses your bathroom? that's what toilets are there for, right? she's not coming in and taking a dump on your floor, so it seems pretty legit to me. and maybe she's got a medical problem. there really is such a thing; people who constantly have to go. or some other kind of issue. you said she was ill one of the times. seems she may have a condition of some sort. or maybe it's just been a big coinsidence that she's really had to take a crap while she's been there.
regardless, my point remains - who cares? what's the big deal???
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (28 September 2013):
 I don't understand - does she leave it unflushed? Where is your air freshener? I have it in my house to the point where someone could do whatever they want, and it's properly freshened. There is Glade in the bathroom in case it's particularly pungent.
I think this is happening because it's at the same time every day. Some people just get the urge suddenly, so following WiseOwle's advice here, while sounding logical, could end up with a big mess and her using your shower while you call a carpet cleaner in disgust. Walking or running also loosens bowels in some people, so it's possible she could have gone at her house, and then the walking triggers round 2. She sounds like a "sudden urge" person because of her rushing up to your bathroom.
The only remedy is not to walk together with her twice per week. Also, she could have Irritable Bowel Syndrome as well, which causes the sudden urges. You didn't mention whether or not she had her gallbladder removed, which makes life miserable for many people in that area. If she has IBS, you could suggest she carry Immodium, which slows the bowels down and cuts down the sudden urges, in which case she'll thank you.
If this has only happened twice (you only mentioned two times), then I wouldn't say anything. If this happens EVERY Tuesday and Thursday and you don't want to stop walking with her, get air freshener for your bathroom including Glade, and tell her about Immodium and changing what she eats for breakfast to help her with sudden urges. Oatmeal, in her case, may be the Kiss of Death. heh. If you bring up her using your bathroom every time she's there in a lighthearted way seemingly giving her friendly advice, she might get the idea without you being a jerk and telling her to squeeze it off or put a cork in it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2013): You have to say no, and not feel guilty about it. Tell her exactly how you feel and ignore any negative reaction. People can only getaway with what you let them. If you let people walk all over you, that's your own fault.
Tell her please use the bathroom before leaving her house; because you're not going to let her do it at your place anymore.
What can she say?
Don't complain about a problem when you have complete control of the situation. It's your loo, your flat, and your time. She doesn't sound like she's playing with a full deck, she sounds a little daft. So she may need you to teach her a little etiquette. You don't stop at the homes of other people to release your bowels. That is personal, disgusting, and to be done in the privacy of your own home.
There, how's that!
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