A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi! So my question is probably a little different. Im wondering whether or not I shoud ask my mom to come with me when I go Wedding dress shopping. I love my mom, but we really dont get along. My fiance and I actually live with her, we moved into help her because she has a lot of issues ( we are in our mid 20's, shes 61, so fairly young, but lots of problems, medical/physical, emotional, psychological, but its nothing new, shes been this way at least a decade, just getting worse with age.) Anyways, I know my mother in law, sister in law, and a few close friends are going to come. I feel guilty not inviting my mom, but I worry because, its very stressful, she makes a lot of things about her, asks random questions, tells everyone about when I was born ( and this is to perfect strangers as well, even if that topic isnt broughtvup, she just will start talking. She kind of takes over. It definitly creates arguments because if I ask her not to, she does ot anyway. Its very embaressing/annoying- shes done it my ENTIRE life, and then that provokes the argument because I get frustrated. Yet at the same time I would feel very guilty not inviting her because shes my mom and Im an only child. I really want a relaxing/fun experience and do not know what to do... any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2013): You say that you always wind up getting into an argument with your mum... I meant to comment on this, and forgot.One thing I've learned is that you can't be helpful and supportive to family members, if you get down to the level of someone who is trying to pick a fight with you. Your mum shouldn't be having a go at you, but getting into a fight with her is a very inappropriate reaction. Just try COMMUNICATION... tell her, hey I don't like it when you (insert annoying fight provoking behaviour here). My dad has a very instigator-like personality, and is always having a go at me, and all my life until recently I had been getting into arguments with him. Like, he hadn't seen me in three years, for example. I had just returned to USA from Mexico but he didn't care about my experiences and it made me cry... and we wound up fighting. Now in retrospect it's so obvious what I should have done... I should have told him, I don't LIKE IT when you have a go at me. Now I'm kicking myself over my regrets. Life is so short, make the most of it while it's here and it's now
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2013): It breaks my heart to think of losing my mum!! Not getting married is one of my biggest regrets in life... you know why??
Because I always imagined the joy of shopping for a wedding dress with my mum... in fact I always wanted her to sew me one. Thank God!! I still have my mum but sometimes I get sad because I never got married and I always imagined the shopping-for-the-wedding endeavor to be one of the most major bonding times.
I'm not saying that you should get married JUST so you can shop for a wedding dress, but if you are engaged it would be practically a sin not to take your mum to shop for a dress. She tells the story of your birth because she's PROUD of you!! She loves you so much. Furthermore, it would break her heart for you to take people who aren't even related to her, while YOU, her BABY, shut her out. Imagine if it were you!! She loves you so much, and you really should think about how hurtful it would be to be left out. It sounds like she really loves you a lot. So she has an annoying personality, so what? You have a mum who would probably do ANYTHING for you, and love shouldn't have conditions like, ''my mum is/isn't annoying.''
I was engaged to be married once, but my then bf cheated on my with the town slut on Christmas day... I'm over him and I'm over wishing I'd gotten married but I do wish I could have had the joy of picking out wedding stuff with mum.
If you leave her out, you will regret it so much.
Have you ever just tried communicating with your mum? She probably has no idea that telling the story of your birth bothers you. Just say, Hey mum, I know you don't mean to but it embarrasses me. If you just leave her out and don't tell her WHY, it's completely unfair, she'll wonder WHAT she did wrong and not only will she be hurt but also confused.
I have the opposite problem, by the way... my mom never brags about me and barely acknowledges that I exist. She goes on and on about my stepbrother, he is ''G&T'' blah blah blah, but I'm a great person too and she never seems to notice. I mean, he's gifted, I'm of average intelligence. I've accepted it. But I speak multiple languages, studied and worked in two foreign countries, I can SING (my friends say I'm good... maybe I'm not but I hope I am)... I played electric guitar, drums and keys in a band. I wish with all my heart my mom would brag about me to people. Every time my stepbrother takes a dump she goes and gets it bronzed, but no one EVER notices ME... you are so lucky to have your mum all to youself... and she is proud of you... you have it ALL. Make the most of it.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (28 September 2013):
 I lost my mother 21 years ago, I would give just about anything to be able to spend a few minutes more with her. Include your mother in everything you can. A mother is a terrible thing to waste
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (27 September 2013):
 Who is paying for your wedding? Is your mom helping with it at all? If she is, and she's living with you, then YES, invite her.
My mom and I fought like crazy the moment I hit adolescence. I left home and felt like I was sprung from jail. Funny, I struggled with inviting my mom to help with wedding preparations, but she turned out to be *the* best partner in the world as far as wedding planning. I had a huge breakthrough with her then, and we still talk about it to this day as a turning point in our relationship.
You bring your mom. She should be there above the in-laws, friends, etc. If you were a "go it alone" person you might be able to get away with it, like CindyCares said, but bringing everyone except your mom who lives with you because you'd be embarrassed by her talking about you and asking questions? Sorry, but that's unbelievably selfish on your part. Everyone gets embarrassed by their parents at some point. If you do not invite her, the thought of you shutting her out on that day will break your heart when you're sitting at her funeral begging God to hear her voice one last time telling the story of when you were born.
Your mom knows you better than the other people you mentioned. Never forget that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2013): Thanks you guys! I asked a close friend and my fiance too, and the have said pretty much the same things. I really dont want to hurt her feelings. Like I said, its not that I dont love her, she is just a handful, sometimes. As far as friends and fam, oh yes they KNOW how she is. So, they do know what to expect. I will definitely invite her, I dont want her to feel unloved, unappreciated and unincluded. @largentsgirl- Im very sorry about your loss. Im honestly worried that my 85 yr old grandfather will out live her. They are almost in the same state, except he is more physically fragile, health wise, very similar. She has diabetes she doesnt take care of, takes a 3-7 hr nap, and sleeps 8hr/ night. It is hard and sad because I cant help her to change, no matter what I do and she doesnt care enough about herself to, either. My dad is also 61, working and still physically active, worksout, he doesnt look any older than when I was a kid. So its difficult to see her decline.
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (27 September 2013):
 Getting married is an extremely big step in one's life and if I were you I would ask myself would my mom being there be a good memory for me or a horrible memory for me?
You can't pick your family. Your mom is from what you said, disabled and declining in health fairly quickly which means she won't be around for very much longer.
I lost my mother four years ago this December and there were so many things that she wanted to be a part of before she died and I didn't let her because I feared she would be drunk and ruin the occasion, but there is nothing I regret more than not including her. I miss my mother dearly and we didn't get a long very well either at least not within the last few years that she was alive.
I know it might be difficult for you to take your mother dress shopping with you, but I think it would break her heart to not be invited and to find out that you invited your mother and sister in law. Yeah she might tell embarrassing stories about you, but that can be the funny part of your day that you tell your children after she has passed away. It might not be a happy memory at the time, but you'll be grateful for the memories once she's gone.
Think about it. I hope this helps you.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 September 2013):
 Look, I went all by myself to pick my wedding dress. I too wanted to avoid any stress , and I did not want my taste and choices to be influenced, commented , critiqued etc. I wanted things to be fast, simple and easy ( they were ) so I made sure NOT to let anybody join me . But I am a pretty independent type, they knew that well , so nobody got offended, and if anybody got disappointed, I never knew.
But, doing it on your own is one thing- calling your MIL and SIL and NOT your mom , totally another one- that would be such a slap in her face !. Pardon my bluntness, but... you 'd " feel " guilty ? you 'd BE guilty- it would be so rude and insensitive and ungenerous confrontational to invite for the errand your bf's mom- but not your own !
So, your mom is not perfect. She's got issues. She can be quite a lot to handle. She is still your mom, yout own flesh and blood. She deserves at least the same consideration- and the same ivitation- that you are giving to someody's else mom.
Brace yourself, exhibit tolerance, good will, and a healthy dose of sense of humour. And a healthy dose of self confidence - so what if your mom wants to tell the story of your birth ? It's only embarassing if you care about strangers' opinion way more than you should. Learn to care only about what and who really matters to you. Then again, if you had guests for dinner and your mother was there, what would you do, lock her in the attic like Mr.Rochester's crazy wife in Jane Eyre ?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 September 2013):
 I would invite her no matter what. I assume your friends know your mom and her situation.
YOU know how she is, and if you are aware of it I think you can prevent ruining the shopping day.
What you COULD do as well is showing her some of the ones (style/designer) you are interested in beforehand (online or tablet/phone and talk to her about it, that way she can criticize BEFORE you go actually shopping and maybe be less negative.
I think no matter what you will regret if you don't do it and if she is like that, you might never hear the end if it.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (27 September 2013):
 The people you are inviting to come with you are close friends and future family. They know you and no doubt your Mum and will be aware of the problems you face with her and how she behaves. If they haven't met her they will surely know of her.
They also love you and would stand your corner if your mum said anything hurtful and I'm sure will not be bothered by anything else she may say.
I think, in years to come you may regret not inviting her to this special event and she may be quite hurt to be left out when your future mum-in-law is going.
However this is YOUR day and you have to be happy too, so maybe go out just with her to try on a few gowns and then have your proper day without her, but maybe keep it to yourself.
I hope you have fun, it's a very exciting time for you.
I hope this helps AB x
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