A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been wondering for some time about some of my girlfriends who I think are somewhat shallow. I mean, they don't reflect on anything, they just pursue what they want (sex, money, relationships) and don't much care who and what they damage in the process. They give lip service but they do the same things over and over so I can see it does not mean much.If you ask them what they want, they'll say the house, the hubby, the 3 kids, the shopping sprees, etc. Now I am not putting them down, they're kind of sweet girls which is why I still go out with them. But they just don't seem like they have much inside them you know? They do not expect too much of people. I am thinking maybe it is good to be like that. I want a guy I can connect to, and I am always thinking about more than just money or a house. But in the end, I am the one who has bouts of self-doubt, pangs of guilt, and face emotional pain after breaks ups. They kind of just keep going.Is being shallow a curse or a gift? Life is so much simpler, less painful and confusing, and the goals are so much more clear cut. Should I be envious of their shallowness?
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2011): I think shallow people lead simple lives, they just get on with it breezing from day to day with nothing much to worry about but what to wear and who to date
Its hard being deep and feeling things, analizing stuff, its a struggle being a square peg. Shallow people think only of themselves but still move along nicely getting what they want. I dont think they ever 'care' too much about anything
If your not shallow then you can either change to fit in - or be true to yourself ..I would prefer to fit in
A
male
reader, Starmonster888  +, writes (31 July 2011):
 Arrogance, ignorance and shallowness are usually either indoctrinated traits or defence mechanisms;being vain to unconciously shroud insecurity or shallow because of youthfulness and a young mind. Sometimes it's just plain vanity however.
Either way, those people are judged too(kinda like we're doing now), they're disliked sometimes and lonely too. They just don't recieve symphathy because all we see is an arrogant person getting their just deserts.
To quote Iago from Othello; "I am not what I am".
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2011): Yes, shallow people DO have better lives, simply because they experience less of the bad emotions that those of us who are deeper. I was a shallow woman until about age 26. I dated careless, did not fall in love even though I had two long term relationships, I was not connected to anything. I had no views on anything other than TV shows, I felt no concern about what was happening in the poorer parts of the world (I didn't watch the news) My life was simply lived day to day, and I was the centre of it all. MY parents enables that (I am an only child) as did my bf.
Then I met a man 20 years older than me, and we started a relationship. I got with him for shallow reasons, money. lifestyle etc. However, he turned out to be a well educated, caring, sensitive man, who was involved in a lot of charities and was very vocal about his beliefs. Through him I learnt a great deal and he even introduced me to many books and courses that promoted self improvement and development. Though the use of all this and by spending time with im, I grew, began to reflect on my life and on my choices. Started to make a plan about my future, started to form my own opinions and really thought about who I was as a person.
When that relationship ended, the wind got knocked out of my sails. I was in a deep depression for years, but the thingsI had learnt from him, helped me get through. I had never felt this way about a break-up.
I am a different person now, from before I met him. I have more feelings, thoughts and emotions. But I would do anything to go back to being ignorant.
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A
female
reader, xTheAlmightyDuckx +, writes (31 July 2011):
 Hey. In my own opinion, i think being shallow is a curse rather than a gift. I used to have alot of friends like yours, they seemed rather nice but they never seemed to want much in life, and they could never see the deeper meanings to things, and all i used to be able to think is how can you live like that ?
Throughout my short time in highschool i was very mature for my age but at the same time knew how to have fun if that makes sense, i was never into loads of makeup and clothes and didnt want to spend about an hour talking about a boy just because he had a six pack, i was more interlectual and wanted to go out into the world and get a job and find different ways to make money, and travle to all these different places and make my own mark on the world. Because of being different i was never accepted in highschool i was picked on because of it, and i lost pretty much all my friends just because i choose to be different and have my own intrests and opinions.
You shouldnt join them at all, be yourself and be indivudule. I know you might think to yourself sometimes that maybe joining them and "fitting in" would be so much more easier than carrying on and being different in a way, but don't do it because indiviuality is what makes you special.
I think you will find that strangely enough you are not the only person in your friend groups that has bouts of self-doubt etc. these are all human emotions and i am sure your friends are very good at hiding them.
What i mananged to learn from having my friends who were very shallow was infact most of them arent acutally like that at all but they act like it to fit in and almost compete with eachother on all different kinds of things. As for finding a guy, well if you don't be yourself and act shallow then you won't find someone who truely likes you for you, i am sure there are many guys who like you would love to find someone with simarlar opinions and acutual brains in there head.
So for those reasons i strongly advice you be yourself and don't try and be shallow as i think its one of the worst things you can do. As for finding a guy you will one day find a man who you can relate to and have things in common with, because all though in this socity it isnt very ovbious but strangely there are a huge amount of men who would pefer "brians over beauty".
Best of luck x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2011): Yes, I think so. It is my observation that usually people who deserve the least get the most. I know a bunch of people, mostly former classmates, who did bad in school, weren't too bright, had no ambitions and now they have lives a million times better than mine. But that is mostly due to the fact that in the country where I live, all that matters are connections. So, those people have no skills to get well paid jobs, but their fathers are friends with people who are in charge of hiring. Also, I see super strict immigration rules for some countries magically don't apply to some of the people I know.
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A
female
reader, Celest  +, writes (31 July 2011):
 Hello dear!!!
I think that Abella with her post bellow was really as her picture saws, a lighthouse! so you can see the safe entry to the harbor.
I would like to add though, that shallowness is definitely easier and this is because it’s not a serious thing to achieve! And of course it will make one’s life easier, emptier, meaningless!!! Doesn’t require any effort to be shallow, ignorant, arrogant. These characteristics are a kind of “fellowship” that it might be a good idea to avoid. Even the humor has a bad side when the use of it, is to keep you thoughtless about something that it might requires some improvement. And usually shallow people using it like this despite of they can really be smart. So my dear, in your case… it is clear that you ‘re different , do you think that it would be able for a person like you to start being shallow for having it easier???.... I doubt!!! And remember “He who knows nothing, doubts nothing.”
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A
female
reader, Tyedyedturtle  +, writes (31 July 2011):
 Being an intellectual, insightful, and deep individual amongst a field of shallow puddles, all too worried abou the superficial, can really make you feel isolated and strangely lost. I would know. All through high school, I hung out with such girls. They loved their nail salon appointments, shoes, and purses. They always wanted to gab about the boys and speak snidely about the other girls. I always wondered why any of it matter as I sat listening to their endless chatter. Finally, one day, I realized it didn't. I grew tired of being shrugged off when I attempted to discuss literature or politics. So, I stopped being their friends. They didn't understand why I didn't enjoy their companionship and why I cared about deeper things. From that point on, I became quite a loner, feeling like a stranger in a strange land. However, thankfully, with some time and patience, I began to meet like minded individuals. Sure enough, after some searching, I made a few friends and they are still my friends today. It can be tough, but trust me, why would shallow and superficial be a better existence? Within, those girls are empty, lacking emotional depth, intrigue, and character. Finding other deep souls is tough, but I'd rather be a deep soul with a few good comrades, than another mindless sheep, caring not of the world or my fellow man.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (31 July 2011):
 hi,
You sound like an insightful person. There are some wonderful things that insightful people have achieved in the world.
If stranded on a desert island I would rather be surrounded by insightful caring people who demonstrated empathy than by vaccuous people only concerned with finding a hibiscus to put behind their ear.
Don't try to be what you are not.
And you do not sound shallow.
Instead go looking for more caring insightful people who will appreciate your talents and good attributes.
There are many good things in this world that would not have happened, been discovered, nor improved - were it not for good kind insightful caring people.
Two examples spring to mind - and they are dearcupid.org and Doctors without Borders.
I am sure you can think of many other good examples.
The shallow unthinking people may appear to cruise through life - but often I think they cause direct harm, by refusing or being incapable of making a difference.
Think of the expression 'when Good men say nothing.... (etc) . That expression is epitomised by if you saw a lost toddler/child, alone, in pajamas, crying in a city street at 11pm at night with cars rushing past?
(1)Would you ignore the child, make out you saw nothing, and keep walking?
(2)Or would you call the Police?
(3)Or would you giggle and say 'not my problem,' i,m off to pick up pizza'
Or more to the point would you want to be friends with anyone who answered (1)
Or (3) ??? I think not.
Find some friends who really do think about issues. Cherish that you have feelings and are in touch with your feelings.
The reasons you still have these pangs of doubt is because you are still growing, learning and immersing yourself in real life. You are growing in wisdom.
Sometimes we outgrow friends who are judgemental. Or unkind to us. Or say nasty things. Or lie to us.
But having no empathy and being vacuuous woul sure get me sitting and asking, do i have to put up with this? After I had examined it I think I would stepp back and do more observing. If called for I might even talk it over with the person, to see if they understand how it impacts on me.
And if no resolution I might decide that a shallow vacuuous person who was thoughtless and had no empathy, no kindess, no insight was probably a person who I had little in common with. So I would move
You can choose to stay with your friends. They often need a wiser kinder person to talk to.
Never imagine that such people do not sometimes wonder if there is more to life than being shallow. But sometimes it takes a few 'wake-up' calls before they realise the truth.
You should not waste your time being envious of such people.
You are one who will develop great wisdom and insight and empathy.
Such people are really needed in this world
Best of luck,
Abella
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