A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly a year and a half, and we're not connecting these days. Ever since graduating this past spring and moving 1-2 hours away from each other (1hr by car, 2+ by train), it's been difficult to spend time together.I moved back to the city for an internship, and he moved to a friend's in the country to live rent-free until he finds a job. The town is inaccessible to me, as the bus doesn't even go there. If I want to see him, I have to take a train and bus for over 2 hours and then get picked up by him for another half hour ride to the house. For him to see me, he has to drive for an hour. So, especially considering the fact he has to come to the city 1-2 times per week anyway to volunteer, he usually ends up coming here.With our schedules, we hardly get to see each other--or at least not as much as we used to. Going to the same small college together, it was so easy to at least run into each other every day. For the first 4 weeks after school, we seemed to develop a nice schedule: he'd come over Friday and Saturday (his days off), drive to work Sunday morning, and then come back late Sunday night because he volunteers Monday mornings in the city anyway. And sometimes we even got lunch later that afternoon. Then we wouldn't see each other till late Thursday or the next Friday. And that is perfectly fine with me. We're both busy and have our own lives, and I really value that in a relationship.But the last several weeks have been super stressful. Three weekends ago, he went camping with his girl friend on his two days off, so I only got to see him for a short amount of time that Sunday and Monday (from like midnight till 6am). The next weekend, I was feeling the stress of not seeing him (I should probably mention that when we don't see each other, we don't really talk much. We might chat online a couple times or text a bit, but we don't really extensively communicate on the phone or anything.) Because we were fighting, he cut the weekend short and said he needed me-time. I was fine giving it to him until he asked me if I still wanted to go to a festival with him the coming Friday (this was an event we planned to go to for months now), and when I told him yes, he said he will need to leave early because he's going camping with friends this weekend. I got upset because this is really the 3rd week this month I haven't seen much of him, and I feel really unappreciated and neglected.He gets back late tomorrow night, and I doubt I'll get to see him. This means I probably won't see him till this coming Friday. Is this even a relationship at this point? I'm all for being in a healthy relationship and having our own lives, but I don't even see where ours mesh anymore. I went out for lunch with a guy friend today, and I found myself flirting with him a little. I'd never EVER cheat, but I'm starting to feel a little like I'm single and just feel super disconnected from my boyfriend even when I do see him. I'm worried we're drifting apart--and that he's fine with this. He doesn't seem to miss me at all, else wouldn't he make plans with his friends during the week more or maybe invite me out on his trips? I know I can't have him all the time, but shouldn't I have him more than 1-2 times per week for only an hour or so of awake time? When he comes over after work, he doesn't get here till 10:30ish and always gets tired at 11 and leaves early in the morning.Is this even salvageable? I feel so mad at him, and it's pushing him away. But his actions have ALREADY pushed me away. Any suggestions on how to get this relationship back on track?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2011): Hold yourself back. Make no effort to call, text, or contact him in anyway. It could be true that your bf is losing interest, or it could be that he just doesnt need as much contact as you do to stay happy.I had this issue once as well, and worried I wasnt needed as much as I needed him. I pulled back for several days, ignoring my need to always be around him and suddenly he noticed my absence and began determinedly trying to contact me.It might take awhile for some guys. Dont be surprised if its a week or longer. But once your absence is felt, they will either miss you or they wont. If he makes an effort to contact you at least once or more, you'll know he's the kind thats just not as emotionally needy but does like you. If he doesnt contact you at all, drop him--that is not a proper relationship.
A
female
reader, spanishquerida  +, writes (31 July 2011):
I think you both need to sit down together and have a long talk about where this relationship is heading, and whether or not you think it's working as it is. It might be that you need to put it on hold until you can live closer, or it may be that you both need to compromise and MAKE time to see each other. Maybe he could only go camping every so often instead. To me, it seems like it's not working at the moment, but I'm an outsider. You both need to evaluate whether it's working for you with a long and honest discussion about it and discuss what you both want. If that's not each other, then there are plenty more people closer to you who will be willing to put the time in to see you. Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2011): People have to still live their lives and I think you both have already moved on but just havent come to terms with it. Niether of you should be mad at the other, as it seems you both have tried but just coudnt make it work. I personally think you should talk to him and just ask him what he wants. If you and he both still want to give it a go then one of you will have to change things up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2011): I think you should re-evaluate this relationship and maybe cut back your emotional investment to match the reality.
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