A
male
age
41-50,
*ogus
writes:I have been married to my wife for 10 years next month. Our sex life has been very dull over the last few years. Recently we had some issues with our marriage and has been very rocky to say the least over the last 5 months. We have not had sex in almost 5 months. We are currently seeing a marriage counselor but is not helping in my opinion. I tried to engage intimately last night and once again got shut out. She told me she has no desire and thinks she will never have the desire again. I need help, what do I do? I am seriously considering separation but we have 4 kids. This would really hurt them and me. Please help, I am very confused and frustrated!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2011): So, have you done anything special for her? In my marriage my husband dont do anything for me and I have recently started feeling that way towards him. I have suggested romance but, he dont get the picture! Do some thing romantic maybe that will help you out.
A
male
reader, happy140 +, writes (7 August 2011):
 "I understand women hold on to those feelings for long periods of time...what would you suggest is my next step? I have apologized countless times and try to show extreme sensitivity daily to her and show her that I care. She tells me she sees that I am trying but doesn't think it is sincere??? What more do I do?"
Her saying that is because she doesn't want you to be-a woman knows when her husband is sincere or not and she doesn't want to believe you are for whatever reason she has. A divorce is a rough and hard thing, maybe she needs to know that is the alternative here and she needs to make her mind up. Woman withhold sex to hurt a man as deeply as the possibly can and thats whats she doing. No intamintcy, no sharing of feelings, no physical contact-thats all a sign of leave me alone I no longer want to be here.
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A
male
reader, happy140 +, writes (7 August 2011):
The statement she will never have the desire again means she pushing you out-she doesn't want intamitcy or to be close to you at all and that is her excuse to do that, to keep you away, her form of torture. When the lack of sex happens via a flat out refusul like that I see it as a sign of not wanting to be married anymore. Why/ I don't know your relationship so can't comment on that but she CLEARLY does not want to be close to you in any fashion and stays because she wants/needs or doesn't know how not to be married.
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A
male
reader, Mogus +, writes (7 August 2011):
Mogus is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI understand women hold on to those feelings for long periods of time...what would you suggest is my next step? I have apologized countless times and try to show extreme sensitivity daily to her and show her that I care. She tells me she sees that I am trying but doesn't think it is sincere??? What more do I do?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2011): "We are currently seeing a marriage counselor but is not helping in my opinion."
Get another counselor and start over with that phrase, letting the new counselor know.
Someone may not be engaging in their counseling fully, and the counselor may not be able to see it and parse through the issues.
Counselors are human, and counseling couples is very hard. Most couples do not go to counseling and become open and honest and willing to talk for a number of months.
Changing counselors can help...if you get the right counselor. Ask your counselor for a reference.
Yes, affairs happen in secret for years, but usually there are much more serious issues with intimacy that lead to that.
Don't assume anything, an affair or otherwise. Perhaps she had an abortion you don't know about, one before she met you, one when she was 17 like the age of the son, maybe all this stuff with the teenager has brought it all back, maybe she was raped as a teen, etc, etc, etc.
Could be anything, could be all of those things.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2011): @Mogus okay, so you "absolutely suspect she's having an affair" and "she feels as if though I broke her"...following up as per my previous answer, these two statements obviously speak volumes and there is a nexus between them.I suspect that she developed feelings of resentment towards you as the result of that situation with her son, and it eventually cascaded all the way down into a full on avoidance mode when it came down to intimacy and sex. Women hold onto these things for decades if they feel that you haven't properly atoned for your misdeeds, especially if you just want her to move on and forget about it.I know someone who's having an affair because of a similar lack of communication issue, specifically the husband's anger issues and childish approach by never talking responsibility and never accepting blame throughout the marraige. It has killed any feelings of affection she has for her husband to the point that, per her words, she'll never get it back....when women are at that stage it is indeed very hard, or next to impossible, to feel attraction towards said man.Women will deny affairs until hell freezes over.....poker face all the way.
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A
male
reader, Mogus +, writes (31 July 2011):
Mogus is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe is upset from a past issue. We have a 17 year old son (my stepson, her biological). I have been here in his life since he was 3 yrs old. 2 years ago, he got his girlfriend pregnant. They had the baby etc. I did not agree at the time with what my wife wanted. Due to the difference in opinion, it quickly turned from "our" son to "her" son. She said I turned my back on the situation...her and our son. This the reason she claims is our problem in our marriage. I do understand now that when she needed me I was not there. But, I was also hurt that my opinion did not matter. I am sorry for it and have assured her I will always be there for her. Doesn't matter, she still feels as though I "broke" her.
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male
reader, Mogus +, writes (31 July 2011):
Mogus is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI absolutely suspect that she is having an affair. I have questioned her numerous times and she denies it of course. I don't have any evidence or proof. She has always been very emotional and vocal about spouses cheating and her disapproval of it. So, I don't know what to really think. One side of me says she would not but the other says, she is human and is capable of it. I also think the same thing..."why am I hanging around?" I think it is a just get by for the kids. I just can't go on anymore like this. I love my wife with everything and cannot think of anyone else but I have feelings and needs too! It is very scary and I just want to be 100% sure I am making the right decision (If I leave)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2011): What are the issues she has been having with the relationship??
You need to look at things from her perspective also - emotions and sexual desire is strongly connected in women. If she is hurting and upset over other things (past or present)then naturally her desire will lower also.
There must be more to the story here...
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A
male
reader, Mogus +, writes (31 July 2011):
Mogus is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for taking the time to read and respond. It is helpful. I knew this was most likely the right answer but just wanted some reassurance from the outside.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2011): @Mogus....do think that your wife could be having an affair? Not wanting sex all of a sudden could be a sign that she has feelings and desires for someone else. Although five months is a long time, I know of a situation where sex has been non-existent for years, with the husband thinking that his wife just has issues with intimacy, so he puts up with it for the sake of the marriage. She, however, has been having an affair. He does question her occasionally because he has suspicions, but there's zero evidence that the husband has been able to substantiate.
Sexual intimacy is a big part of a marriage and you're doing the right by addressing it and seeking counseling. Being told that "this is how I feel and I'm never going to get the desire (for you) again" could be code word for "don't you see it too, so why are you hanging around?"
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2011): Having been through this, you MUST move on. Yes it will be painful but it's the much lesser of two evils. Kids will eventually get over it and deal with it. They are more resilient than most people think and they will come to understand.
A marriage without intimacy is not a relationship anymore. You've done the right things, you've given it time, you've tried counselling, but she clearly won't make any changes and is treating you with contempt.
If you want to give things a final chance, then you should separate first and then see if she makes a change. If you go straight for "it's over" then there's no coming back.
It's a tough time. I won't hide that from you. But you'll come out the other side better off. There's nothing worse than the pain of being rejected like this by the supposed love of your life. Especially when she basically lays it out that she won't change and doesn't care about your feelings.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2011): I think you have to talk to her and lay it out there that your sexual desires are not being met. Have a frank conversation with her. She may agree with a separation and even agree to allow you to date but stay in the house for right now. But if you go that far it probably means your marraige is over. Unfortunately it sounds like it already is. I would tell the marraige counseler your concerns too. He/she may have a solution.
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